Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, August 21, 2009


That's all I can say.

Last week at Abby's service, I introduced myself to the new pastor of the church. His name is Michael. I work there at the preschool, and I've heard GREAT things about him. During the service he talked about butterflies. Some live only 48 hours, some 9 days, some longer. But, I've seen a lot of butterflies lately. Every time I see one, I think of Grady.

I introduced myself to Michael and asked him again what he said about the butterflies. I told him briefly about Grady and the butterflies, etc. He immediately dove into the deep questions. Didn't gloss over anything. Didn't dismiss me and try to move on. Seemed genuinely interested.

It really touched my heart that he took the time to listen and ask questions about my experience. He wanted to know about my grief and healing thus far, what I was doing to help me through, and so forth. I explained that even though I wasn't an official member of his church, they had made me feel like I was. They took me in, brought me meals and loved on me and my family as if we attended church there every Sunday.

I walked away from that conversation with Michael feeling a sense of "Wow!" I had just met him but he had immediately connected with me at the heart level. I felt inclined to write him a note and tell him how much I enjoyed our conversation, how much I appreciated his time and what a gift he had to truly minister to others. I also included an announcement of Grady, just 'cuz I thought he might enjoy seeing our beautiful baby boy.

I never expected anything in return, but another "Wow!" came yesterday. While I was at work, he walked down to the preschool to see the children and gave me a note. I didn't read it until I got in the car, and I'm SO glad! Because (this will NOT surprise you!), I cried.

It touched me so much that I'm going to share with you what he said. I don't think he would mind.

"Thank you for sharing Grady with me. His card has been sitting on my desk. It's difficult for me to put it away.

Most mother's carry their children full term and give birth. Us men never know or understand the bond you establish with the life that moves and grows within you. We watch with amazement as your bodies carry the extra weight and then push new life into the world with great pain, sometimes swearing you'll never do it again, only to somehow forget the pain, and go through it again for the joy of another child.

You carried Grady to full term and were then robbed of his life. I cannot imagine your grief, or that of Gibson, or your girls. It occurred to me that in many ways you will always carry Grady within you, within your heart and your dreams. While I believe that to be true, I hope your grief will not always be as deep and as biting as it is now. It hasn't even been a year.

I looked at the calendar. November 12 is a Thursday. That's a day you are scheduled to work. That will be a difficult day. Anticipate it. I can't tell you how to plan that day, but you will know.

Just as you will always carry Grady within you, never forgetting him, always holding him close in some way, trust that God has not and will not forget him either, or you. If a sparrow does not fall to the earth without His notice, how much more did He notice when Grady's life ceased. Continue to trust Him, even as you question Him."


He even took the time to look on the calendar to see what day November 12th was. He took the time to write me this beautiful note with these kind, encouraging words that I so badly needed. What a gift and blessing!

Maybe something he wrote to me will touch you today, too!



  1. What a beautiful note - I'm feeling blessed by it too as I cry. I needed a good outlet for shedding some tears and this was it. I find myself lately bottling up my grief and not dealing with it the way I should. The ability to shed a few tears is what I needed today.

  2. He sounds like a very genuine, compassionate person. What a heartfelt acknowledgment of Grady's life and the impact it has on others lives!

  3. Tonya,
    Just wanted you to know that my class and I watch butterflies daily from our window. We usually see anywhere from 4-5. The children get so excited when they see them, they run to the window and yell, "Look Mrs. Jada, the buttflies, the butterflies are back!" The children will knock on the window, trying to get their attention, surprisingly, this does not scare them away. They continue to flutter and dance for the children as if they were children themselves, putting on a show for their friends. Thank you Tonya for reminding me about the butterflies and Grady...not only is he in my heart, he's right outside my window.

  4. That's beautiful, Tonya.
    I'm so glad he's a compassionate man. What a gift.

    Thinking of you.

  5. Tonya, that is absolutely amazing. Really, that he took the time to write that and to acknowledge all that he did. To look ahead to the calendar and see that you would be working and to validate how hard that day will be. Really, you rarely see that kind of sincere compassion and willingness to "go there" with someone.

    He obviously has a heart for ministering to people. That is awesome. I am so happy that you had that. It made me cry... as usual:) It touched me to and many things he said were like music to my ears too. Thinking of you Tonya... and missing our sweet boys together. As I was laying on the bench in Samuel's garden tonight, I was thinking about him and all the other little ones I now know are with him in the Lord's presence... what a party they must be having... can't wait to join them someday:)
    Sending love to you friend.

  6. Tonya, That was such a moving note from that pastor. If I were you I might think about joining that church! Such compassion! WOW!

    When my granddaughter died I felt like people didn't really know the pain that we were feeling. And because they knew that she had heart issues from birth,..some of them acted like it somehow hurt less because there was always the possiblity of her death.

    It didn't hurt one bit less because of her heart issues. We loved her for 6 years! And it was a very big shock. There was a chance that she could live into adulthood.

    I miss her everyday. We loved her so much. I look at girls her age and I wonder what she would be like now. I have another granddaugther who is her age and I am sure that Lynnette looks at her and always thinks about Anna.

    I know you will always carry Grady inside of you, your heart and mind, like the pastor's note said...and we will carry Anna in our hearts always. As well as her two baby brothers Samuel and Josiah.

    The good news is that the sting of the pain does soften after time passes. It will be 5 years this November since Anna went to be with Jesus. She loved babies so much and always held her baby brothers. Perhaps she knows Grady and is holding him in heaven?

    Someday we will be with them again my friend,...and that does bring peace to my heart.

    Love you,
    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  7. All I can say is WOW! Perfect title for that post. I'm so glad that he sent that letter to you, I know you will treasure it always and I hope it will also be a little reminder that there are so many of us that do deeply care about you and your family. =)

    Love you,
    Mary Beth

  8. OK,now I am crying....I am so glad you came and helped with Abby's service. I knew it might be difficult for you but, you got to meet a very passionate person and I am glad you did! Michael has been such a blessing to many people!
    Thanks for going to lunch with me the other day! I enjoyed it!!

    With Love,