Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Tidbits from T

It's a BEAUTIFUL sunny day here in GA! My girls are out playing in the woods, as I believe all children should do; my husband has gone to work for a while; and I'm trying to get my hiney in gear to get some things done. I really just want to sit outside. If I had a hammock, that would be perfect...stretched out enjoying the sunshine and warm weather, reading a good book, or maybe just listening to the sounds of my kids laughing while playing. Sounds great, huh? Well, no hammock here, so I might just have to settle for a plain old chair.


Before I get my chores done and enjoy the outdoors, here are some recent tidbits from T...

Tuesday I was grocery shopping for Emma Grace's birthday dinner. As I made my way to the check out line, I heard it. And the closer I got to the front of the store, the louder it was. What was it? A TINY newborn crying. There's no mistaking the sound of a newborn. I felt my heart start to beat a little faster. I tried to talk myself down. I wasn't prepared for an anxiety attack. It caught me SO off guard. As I waited in line (the baby was a couple of lanes over from me) and continued to talk to myself (and pray!), I realized that I forgot the broccoli that Emma Grace requested (which by the way she changed to green beans about an hour before dinner!). So, I turned around and headed to the very back corner of the store. I thought, surely by the time I get back up there the baby will be gone. But despite being in the back of the store, I could still hear the crying. By now, my heart was racing, my face was hot, my ears were ringing and my hands shaking. I leaned hard onto the shopping cart and told myself I would be okay. Unfortunately, the baby wasn't leaving any time soon. Something must have happened as they were checking out because when I got back to the front, they were standing at the customer service desk. Uggh. I just kept taking deep breaths, staring at the door. They finally left. When I got to the cashier, I must have looked bad 'cuz she said, "Are you okay?". My reply, "I'm much better now that that baby is gone." Her: "Yeah, crying babies can really get on your nerves". Well, friends, I spilled it all to her with people behind me. As I told her what happened with Grady, she remembered me being pregnant. She even commented on how big I was with him and how they always asked me when I was going to have him. Yes, that was me. And yes, he died. Luckily, she didn't crumble. She just said she was so sorry and off I went. I haven't been caught off guard or spilled Grady's story like that in a very long time. Grief is SO unpredictable! And while it has become a roommate and companion to me, it certainly was NOT my friend that day!!!


Luckily, Emma Grace has only complained of one other headache this week. They were starting to really concern me because she was having them every day. She took some of her steak in her lunch the day after her birthday, and I heated up the rest of her leftovers for her dinner that night. She didn't seem the least bit upset that we didn't get to sing to her on her actual day...maybe because we made it a point to do it the next night. She's really a pretty easy-going girl. Her feathers don't get nearly as ruffled as her sisters!


Speaking of her sister, Jessica got in a bit of trouble yesterday. She lied to me, which is a BIG NO NO in our house. She hasn't lied to me in a very long time (that I know of - and I do trust her). She came in with a bleeding finger yesterday afternoon and said she cut it on a branch. I didn't think much of it until I saw her put a certain "tool" away in the garage before softball practice. It was some sort of knife that closes up, but it wasn't like a Swiss Army knife. Emma Grace told me that was what she cut her finger on. So, in deciding her punishment, I would normally wash her mouth out with soap. But considering she's a bit bigger than she was when that happened in second grade, I decided she was going to write me a paper on why she should not lie. Doesn't sound like much punishment, does it? Well, take into consideration that the cut is on the thumb of her writing hand. It's not too comfortable for her to write. She asked if she could wait until it was better. You may think I'm mean, but I told her no. I've always been one to try to make the punishment fit the crime...this comes pretty close. She doesn't have to write it all at once, but it has to be at least 150 words, and she started on it today.


Gib has been working very hard getting ready to administer this test next week. It is the Georgia High School Graduation Test. He will test 890 kids Monday - Thursday. He and his secretary have had to count and organize 890 tests x 4. Not to mention all the other stuff that goes along with testing. I know he will be ready for Spring Break...but he tells me he has to work that week on getting ready for the Gateway. Is it summer, yet?


I had another meeting at the hospital yesterday. Things are still up in the air about the Perinatal Loss Coordinator position. But the leader of our group is a little more confident that even if the position does not get approved, they will at least start a support group which is very much needed in that area. I have to write a paragraph or two to be included in the proposal for that. It feels good to be a part of positive change, especially when it comes from such a devastating loss. I am determined to use Grady's life and death in a positive way...


I've been having my own little "church" since Wednesday. I bought the new Selah CD called "You Deliver Me". I bought it because of two songs called "Unredeemed" and "I Will Carry You". But it turns out that the whole CD is awesome! IF you like Christian music, that is... The title track brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it and the old hymns on the CD bring back memories of going to church with my grandmother, even though the hymns are a little more contemporary but still have an old gospel feel to them. I LOVE IT! And I truly think if you've lost a child, or are just plain going through a hard time, the songs on the CD will speak to your heart.


Before I go, I must share something with you. Emma Grace just busted through the back door to get a plastic Target bag. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "Whatcha doing?"

EG: "I need a plastic bag 'cuz I'm collecting litter so the earth will be healthier. And we've already found a cookie wrapper!"

I cannot imagine there is that much litter behind my house and my neighbor's house, but I'm anxious to see how full the bag gets. I did warn her to be careful of what they picked up...


I've been at this computer long enough! It's supposed to rain tomorrow, so I'm gonna enjoy the sunshine today while it's here! Have a great one!



  1. Wow, what a week for both of us...ugh... the unpredictableness of grief. I am so sorry Tonya. I wanted to send you an email about your situation in the store. I am just so sorry that happened to you. I have been praying for the Lord to be with you, that you feel His presence in a real, strong way. I know He is always there... but shoot, I want to feel Him:) I am praying friend. Yesterday was 70 here, today we are under a winter storm warning... crazy. We have an interview with a birthmom today at 4:00, she is 23 weeks along and is only interviewing us. I pray we can get out with the weather. We will see.

    Love you friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  2. I'm glad you decided to blog about the feelings you had in the grocery store. Others will surely not feel alone in their experiences when they read what you have to share.

    That tool!?! It didn't occur to me to connect those dots... I think you handled that situation well. Writing will give J the opportunity to mull over what happened, and open doors of communication afterwards. Good job :)

    See ya soon!
    ((hugs)) Nicole

  3. I have the Selah CD as well and love it! Music can be so soothing, in my opinion.