Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

A Day of Brokenness

I went to a funeral yesterday.

For a sweet, precious baby boy.

I'll never understand this side of heaven why parents have to endure such awful, deep heartache. Whether a baby or an older child, parents just shouldn't have to bury their children. But it happens every day. Way too often.

His name was David. He was beautiful. Precious. Tiny. With a head full of dark brown hair. He looked so peaceful resting in his tiny casket.

Dr. Joe put me in touch with this mom who is now a dear friend of mine. Her name is Rachael. I don't have permission to link to her blog, so I won't. I've met her, talked to her, and we've emailed numerous times. She had known since her 20 week ultrasound that, short of a miracle, her sweet baby wouldn't live long, if he was even born alive. He lived for about seven hours after birth. I know that was precious time that she and her husband will never forget.

The service was beautiful, and I'm so thankful that I went. At the graveside, I happened to be standing on the side of the family tent. I could see Rachael clearly. I couldn't stop looking at her. Praying for her. My heart breaking for her and weeping with her. I'm convinced that her big, black sunglasses hid eyes that were, and still are, the saddest they will probably ever be.

As they lowered Baby David's tiny casket into the ground, the funeral director asked her whether to start placing the dirt on top or to wait. I heard her mutter the words, "Go ahead". Her oldest little boy was standing next to his daddy saying, "Bye bye David, see you in a little while...see you soon". It broke my heart even more.

We were all given a white rose to place on top of his grave after the sod was replaced. As I took mine up, I wanted to grab her and just embrace her. But I didn't. There were too many people waiting after me.

God love her sweet self...she called me last night to thank me for coming. I wanted to be there for her and her husband and to honor Baby David's short life. We didn't talk long, but she told me she felt like she was in a fog. I know. She told me she just felt physically sick, didn't want to eat, but knew she had to eat something. I know. All I could tell her was that what she was feeling was normal and to take this road one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. The next few weeks will be extremely hard for her as the adrenaline slows down and the shock starts to wear off. Would you pray for her and her husband with me? They are both hurting.

It's a cruel, hard, awful time for a mom to live through. You grow a baby for 40weeks. You birth that baby. You hold that baby for a while but leave the hospital with empty arms. Your arms physically ache to hold your little one again. Your milk comes in, and you suffer through engorgement, but there's no baby to nurse. You bleed for who knows how long as your uterus gets back to it's pre-pregnant state, but you have no baby to show for it. I could keep going with the postpartum issues, but they get more unpleasant, so I'll stop there. There should be a way to stop mom's body from going through the normal processes after a baby dies. But there isn't.

I was broken for Rachael yesterday, and I'm still broken for her today. Praying for peace, strength and comfort that can only come from God above. She read a beautiful poem that I hope to post on my blog soon.

I heard a song for the first time yesterday. Funny, though...I heard it on the way to the service AND on the way home. Coincidence? I think not. The lyrics were perfect for the situation and spoke deeply to my heart. I'll leave you with those today.

Josh Wilson, Before The Morning

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Praise God that morning is coming!



  1. Hey Tonya,
    This broke my heart this morning to read this. I went to the specialist on Thursday and heard the familiar cries of a woman who was given terrible news. So quickly those memories came back. I sat in the room hoping I was wrong... I hurt for your friend and other families who will not be able to bring home their precious baby. Thinking of you as well.

  2. This makes my heart so very sad. I don't understand why one mother gets to cherish her living David while another mourns his passing. I simply don't understand. I pray for Rachael, her husband and her older son. Lord, haste the day when she sees her sweet David again.

  3. Tonya,
    I will be praying along side of you for Rachael and her family as they start this journey. I am so glad that you are there for her... that she has someone she can talk to who gets it, and understands all of these things that she will face in the coming weeks.

    It is so hard to read those words and know the road that they will walk... how long and unending the journey of grief is... it gets better... but never will end really until we are holding those little ones in Heaven... Can't wait for that day!

    Thinking of you Tonya! Praying for you too... all the time!

  4. It breaks my heart to hear of others having to walk down that road of grief and pain...thank you for sharing the words to that song.
    So glad we have such Hope in seeing the faces of our babies again!

  5. I know how hard it must have been for you to go to that funeral, to relive those emotions, to see another woman struggle with the pain you know so well. Grady, David, Samuel, and the others are angels in Heaven, but you, my friend, you are an angel on Earth.

    Much Love,