At a Loss

For once, today, I'm at a loss for words.

I can't decide what to blog about.

But my heart is heavy for Stellan and his family. He is not doing well. She is updating on Twitter on her left sidebar. Please pray for them.

I'm trying a new support group tonight called Compassionate Friends. I'm anxious about it because I'm not sure how well I'll be received. I've been driving 50 miles one way to a wonderful support group for perinatal and infant loss, but for some reason, I feel compelled to try this one. One reason is that it's MUCH closer! But also, in talking to others who have lost living children, I've found that my thoughts and feelings about Grady aren't that different from theirs. Yes, they had more time to spend with their children. Yes, they have tangible memories that they can draw on with their child(ren). And I don't. I can only imagine what life would have been like if Grady had lived. But my child died just like theirs. I hope it goes well...

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Not much happened one year ago on this day. Today was a Sunday, and as I recall, I spent it obeying orders and resting with my family. I know the next few days will be hard to write about...

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Did you happen to see the live Steven Curtis Chapman broadcast on facebook last week? Thankfully you didn't have to have a facebook account to watch it because it was phenomenal. One of the things that struck me was the verbage he used when referring to Maria, his five year old daughter who died last May. He never once referred to her as dying...he always said, "When Maria went to heaven, after Maria went to heaven", etc. This struck me. It makes me want to change the way I refer to Grady. Because while Grady did die here on earth, he is VERY MUCH alive in heaven. What a more positive way to phrase it..."After Grady went to heaven... Before Grady went to heaven... When Grady went to heaven..." I like that much better.

SCC's new CD is called "Beauty Will Rise" and is compiled of songs that were written after Maria went to heaven. I'd like to share one of the songs he has written for her called "Heaven Is The Face".

Enjoy. (Don't forget to pause my music at the bottom of the page before pressing play!)




Love,
Tonya