Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One Year Ago - November 10, 2008

This is the last full day that Grady lived.

It was also the day that I 'most disobeyed' Dr. Joe's orders.

Over the weekend, I had rested. I checked my blood pressure incessantly. It was fine. No swelling. Everything seemed great. Other than the normal discomforts of pregnancy, that is.

So, on the morning of November 10th, a Monday, Jessica rode with the neighbor to school, and I decided that I wanted to drive Emma Grace to preschool. Her school is five minutes away. I honestly didn't see the harm in it. (Did I mention before that nurses are the worst patients?!) It wasn't stressful. It wasn't far. There was no traffic. I didn't even have to get out of the van. Drop her off and head back home.

And that's exactly what I did. And once home, I rested, again, in the recliner and on the sofa. Watched tv and dozed.

At 11:30, I went to pick her up. I didn't go in...I just pulled up to her teacher's door and into the van she came.

Then it was home for lunch and more snuggling with my baby girl. Resting until 2pm when my friend and neighbor, Nicole, came over to help me with some things around the house. She did this several times and it was amazing how many orders I could bark out in that one hour before the bus came. We talked about what was left to do and decided we would finish the nursery the next day and get his clothes sorted and organized. The bassinet was already set up in our room, and the car seat was in the van.

Gib came home from work that afternoon with a pile of food from some of his wonderful clerks/secretaries. We enjoyed a delicious meal. Grady was as active as ever. Seemed to be pretty happy in there, kicking and hiccuping away.

After dinner, I sat in the recliner and wrote thank you notes for Gib to take with him the next day. I didn't want to wait because I didn't think I'd have much time after Grady arrived...

As I recall, the night seemed pretty uneventful after that. Baths (which I did not give), bedtime stories and songs (which I did participate in) and off to bed we all went. Still in shock that I had made it so far and that we were only four days away from having Baby Grady here with us...


I missed seeing the people from my regular support group last night, but I have to tell you that I truly enjoyed the new one I attended. There were some deeply broken hearts around that table and tears were shed, for sure. I was not sure, at first, that I had come to the right place when I arrived because everyone seemed older than me. But when the meeting started and the facilitator shared her story, she had experienced a stillbirth 19 years ago with her first baby girl...

I relaxed after that.

I was received well, welcomed with love and parted with hugs. The drive was much closer, although I can't say nicer. I was traveling about 60 miles per hour when a deer tried to run in front of me. I'm so thankful I dodged that accident! Thank you Lord!


It's been a miserably rainy day here again. We've gotten so much rain the last two months it's unbelievable. I love to hear the rain and love to stay inside. But staying inside is not an option with a puppy without a fenced backyard!

It was the kind of day where I changed our typical Tuesday night dinner plan from pizza to homemade broccoli-cheese soup with some hot, crusty french bread. It was delicious and was just what we needed for a cold, rainy day.

The biggest problem with the rain is that our roof is leaking. We have vaulted ceilings in our family room which makes it hard to get in the attic and over to where the problem is. Gib managed to get up there and find the leak. He tried to patch the problem, 'put a band aid on it' as he called it, but he's quite stressed. Which is making me stressed. We're not sure where the problem is coming from on the outside, and a new roof is not in our budget right now.


At least we didn't have any feet coming through the ceiling tonight!


I had a great afternoon with my girls today. Since it was raining there was no playing outside. They came home and we had some hot chocolate together before starting homework. Watching the rain...Talking...Just being together... I loved it! And let me tell you, if you haven't tried Nestle's 'Chocolate Caramel' Hot Chocolate you must very soon! If you like caramel, that is. Emma Grace wanted regular but me and Jessica had it and it was yummo-delicioso!


That's all I have for tonight. I'm honestly not looking forward to tomorrow.

It's the day he went to heaven.

I'll post about that some time tomorrow.

One day at a time...



  1. I'll be praying for you tomorrow. SO thankful that He walks with us one day at a time. I love that footprints poem because it reminds me that He is there.

  2. Tonya,
    I am so glad that you had a good support group last night. I was wondering how it went. I hit a deer when I was pregnant with Jojo...glad you missed that one.

    Tonya, I am praying you through today... I am boldly and earnestly praying that the Lord carries you through the next couple of days. You are making it Tonya, one day at a time... even the REALLY rough, challenging ones.

    When I thought about the day that Samuel went to meet his Savior... I have always felt bad for him, wondered if he felt anything... you know all of those questions and things you think about. On Samuel's heaven going anniversary day a couple of weeks ago someone sent me an email. It brought me comfort and relief from some of my previous thoughts... basically she said this, but with Samuel's name, not Grady's.

    She said, "Can you hear heaven calling him home... Grady (just a whisper)... Grady...Grady...Grady (louder)... Grady my child (even louder) Welcome home Grady."

    I hope that doesn't come across wrong, but it brought me comfort to think of him just slipping from my womb gently being called home by his savior.

    Thinking of you sweet friend... Clinging to the promises of our God with you... He is here right with you... He will NEVER leave us or forsake us. He loves you much. He knew you would be the perfect mommy to Grady... and you are!

    Love you friend!

  3. Tonya,
    I'm also thinking of you all so much today and tomorrow. It's such a difficult time, for everyone. I don't know if you've heard this, but there is supposedly a connection between hiccups and stillbirth. I struggle with all this info. as it doesn't change the past, but I don't want to not tell people. Anyway, increased hiccups can indicate an umbilical issue. I don't quite understand what's "too many" and how a mom is supposed to know. I think Felicity died during the night and don't ever recall her having a lot of hiccups, but I've read other things too.

    I hope this isn't a burden to you today. I was actually going to write a blog post about it, as MCCL (MN Concerned Citizens for Life) has new billboards up that say, "I had hiccups before I was born - 54 days from conception." And seeing that struck a cord in me and this supposed connection to stillbirth. I normally LOVE their billboards, but it's so hard to see that one.

    I'm glad you went to TCF meeting. I've been to a few myself (though it's a long drive) and found it to be a very welcoming place, even though it's not faith-based. They had a beautiful Christmas program last year that we participated in and it was so special for our family. Just another one of those things we do for our babies since we can't parent them in the traditional sense.

    Anyway, this is getting long, but I will be praying today and tomorrow. I look forward to seeing how you guys celebrate Grady. Remember that whatever you're able to do is fine. I found the planning and preparation to just put me in a fog. May God hold you all especially close.

    Happy 1st Heaven Birthday, Grady!

  4. YIKES! Your roof is too new to have a leak... it's newer than ours!

    Please know that I am praying fervently for you over these next days. I am thankful that you are still having sweet times with your girls...

    Jeff read me a quote this morning... DL Moody wrote (this is my paraphrase): "Soon you will read in the paper that Moody has died. Don't believe it. For at that moment, I will be more alive than ever." Like you mentioned earlier this week, Grady has not died. He is LIVING in the everlasting where you will meet him face to face again one day.

    Yes, you still miss him sorely, but there is great comfort in the fact that you have not "lost" Grady. You know where he is. And he is waiting for you.

  5. The anniversary of the last full day Owen was here with us hit me really hard too. I remember vividly folding his clothes and putting sheets on his crib that night.
    thinking of you today.