That's what I've felt since Grady's first birthday.
I was talking to Alice, my mentor and prayer warrior, this morning and that's all I could describe. Things aren't great. Things aren't bad. But I feel like I've climbed over a huge hurdle. And now that I've made it through the first year without Grady, I feel like I'm going to be okay.
Let me clarify...there were days that I questioned if I would make it through. The heaviness and deep ache were too much at times. But deep down, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God was big enough for my burden. He could carry my heartache. And I had to be okay for the rest of my family. In my mind, there was no other choice.
But, I'm at a place, honestly for the first time, where I have peace about Grady going to heaven so soon.
Peace. Not understanding.
There's a difference.
I'll never understand why God gave me this "cross" to bear along with the other losses in my life. I'll never understand why Grady couldn't stay here as part of our earthly family.
And I won't understand until I get to heaven myself.
But I have peace in God's plan and will for Grady's life. And I have peace in God's plan for my family's life without him here on earth. I'll never understand it, but I accept it.
And I'm at peace.
Just because I have that peace does not mean that I love him or miss him any less. It doesn't mean that I'm "magically" okay. Or completely healed. Or "over it". Because friends, I can tell you that will never happen. I'll never get "over it". I'm getting through it. But someone who loses a child never gets "over it" in my opinion.
Just because I have peace doesn't mean that I'll never cry for him again...because I will.
It doesn't mean that I won't miss and think about him every day of my life...because I will.
It doesn't mean that I won't miss him on holidays and special family events...because I will.
It doesn't mean that I won't hear a song and break into tears because it makes me think of him...because I will.
I feel like I'm one more step ahead in this grief journey. Moving forward in this process is a good thing...