Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Peace. Not Understanding.

That's what I've felt since Grady's first birthday.


I was talking to Alice, my mentor and prayer warrior, this morning and that's all I could describe. Things aren't great. Things aren't bad. But I feel like I've climbed over a huge hurdle. And now that I've made it through the first year without Grady, I feel like I'm going to be okay.

Let me clarify...there were days that I questioned if I would make it through. The heaviness and deep ache were too much at times. But deep down, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God was big enough for my burden. He could carry my heartache. And I had to be okay for the rest of my family. In my mind, there was no other choice.

But, I'm at a place, honestly for the first time, where I have peace about Grady going to heaven so soon.

Peace. Not understanding.

There's a difference.

I'll never understand why God gave me this "cross" to bear along with the other losses in my life. I'll never understand why Grady couldn't stay here as part of our earthly family.

And I won't understand until I get to heaven myself.

But I have peace in God's plan and will for Grady's life. And I have peace in God's plan for my family's life without him here on earth. I'll never understand it, but I accept it.

And I'm at peace.

Just because I have that peace does not mean that I love him or miss him any less. It doesn't mean that I'm "magically" okay. Or completely healed. Or "over it". Because friends, I can tell you that will never happen. I'll never get "over it". I'm getting through it. But someone who loses a child never gets "over it" in my opinion.

Just because I have peace doesn't mean that I'll never cry for him again...because I will.

It doesn't mean that I won't miss and think about him every day of my life...because I will.

It doesn't mean that I won't miss him on holidays and special family events...because I will.

It doesn't mean that I won't hear a song and break into tears because it makes me think of him...because I will.


Not understanding.

I feel like I'm one more step ahead in this grief journey. Moving forward in this process is a good thing...



  1. Beautifully written Tonya. Isn't it wonderful when you can say that you have peace about it. I feel a bit like a pin ball though... back and forth. But I completely get the feeling of feeling like you survived the first year... you climbed that mountain... and you know you will make it each step of the way with the Lord's help. Still means those tough days, times etc. will still be a part of your life. But there is celebration and gladness for having seen God see us through that first year.

    Tonya, we are making it... I am so proud of you! Thinking of and praying for you today... Thanks for your words in your post... in encourages me:)

  2. Can I just say, I wish we lived closer:)

  3. Such a good post, Tonya. I can relate exactly to what you wrote.

  4. I'm there too. Not understanding but filled with the peace of the Spirit.

    love you,

  5. Tonya,

    There is a peace that we feel from the Lord that His plan is perfect and that our babies are resting in His arms. I pray for you daily and know that through Him "peace passes all understanding"


  6. Hey Tonya,

    I'm Amy, and I met you at the picnic today. Just wanted to say Hello and leave you the link to my blog. I haven't updated it in several days, but I have several posts to come. Hope that you got warm after the rain and had a great night!