Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Nagging Feeling

Something just hasn't been right today.

All day.

I couldn't put my finger on it. All day, I've been thinking about October 5th. Feeling like it was an important date. I've checked my calendar a few times to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I didn't miss a birthday. It wasn't a special holiday. I only had one appointment which I kept.

It has nagged me and driven me crazy. So much so that I pulled out my 2008 calendar just to see what might have been going on today a year ago.

Why did this date stand out in my head and why was my heart so heavy today?

When I read it, my heart sank.

A very important event took place one year ago.

And I found these...

And these...this was me a year ago today...

Finally an answer as to why I've been feeling so down today. It's hard to believe that just a year ago I was feeling excitement and anticipation, but I'm typing with such sadness just one year later.

The gifts unused. Sitting in drawers and hanging in the closet untouched.

It was this day, the day of my first baby shower for Grady, that I finally let myself be excited. It actually felt real that we would bring our baby home with us. I let myself believe it. We had passed the scare of extreme prematurity. All was well.

Or so we thought.

Still, all is well...

With my soul. With Grady's soul.

But not with my heart. At least not the part that belongs to Grady. It is broken and grieving and sad and torn apart tonight.



  1. Tonya I am so sorry. I know this must be hard for you-

    Please know that I am thinking about you. Hugs.


  2. Grieving with you Tonya... I am all torn up about all of the what I was doing last year at this time... and with the weather changing again... it makes me remember how cold and empty I felt after Samuel died.... It is all rushing back to me. Please know you are in my prayers sweet friend. God be with you and comfort your precious soul today.

  3. This is just so hard. The comparison from a year ago just seems so foreign now. The pictures you posted are lovely. You look amazing in them.

  4. Hey Tonya,

    I know this is a little late on the post, but I really can relate to this one. Isn't it weird how you kinda subconsiously grieve? And then you realize... oh wow.

    Your Grady was a beautiful boy. Your Grady *is* a beautiful boy. And your mother's heart is responding rightly to be torn apart.

    Love to you.