Something just hasn't been right today.
I couldn't put my finger on it. All day, I've been thinking about October 5th. Feeling like it was an important date. I've checked my calendar a few times to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I didn't miss a birthday. It wasn't a special holiday. I only had one appointment which I kept.
It has nagged me and driven me crazy. So much so that I pulled out my 2008 calendar just to see what might have been going on today a year ago.
Why did this date stand out in my head and why was my heart so heavy today?
When I read it, my heart sank.
A very important event took place one year ago.
And I found these...
And these...this was me a year ago today...
Finally an answer as to why I've been feeling so down today. It's hard to believe that just a year ago I was feeling excitement and anticipation, but I'm typing with such sadness just one year later.
The gifts unused. Sitting in drawers and hanging in the closet untouched.
It was this day, the day of my first baby shower for Grady, that I finally let myself be excited. It actually felt real that we would bring our baby home with us. I let myself believe it. We had passed the scare of extreme prematurity. All was well.
Or so we thought.
Still, all is well...
With my soul. With Grady's soul.
But not with my heart. At least not the part that belongs to Grady. It is broken and grieving and sad and torn apart tonight.