Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Mommy in Heaven

*Warning: if you are pregnant, you might want to skip this post*

I've met a new friend through the preschool. I won't disclose her name, but we'll call her L. L and I started talking one morning. She needed to view her oldest son's beautiful picture on the computer. I had my blog pulled up (to listen to the music) and had to close it so we could see the picture. I told her a little about Grady, she asked for my blog link and the next thing I knew, she and her husband had visited my blog.

We have emailed several times since, and we've talked briefly at preschool. She has not been in the exact same situation as me, losing a baby, but she does have a baby boy with special needs. Her grief and heartache is different, but yet the same as mine, in so many ways.

She seems like a wonderful Christian woman who has been praying for me. And I can tell she's a sincere know the kind I'm talking about. One who will really pray for you if they say they have been or will.

I got an email from her a couple of nights ago that I just can't get off my mind.

L. was so sweet in prefacing that she does not pretend to know what I'm going through and has been praying for me. But a thought wouldn't leave her mind. She apologized if it would bring me more pain and hurt, but she wanted to share it with me.

And I'm so glad she did because I have never once thought of it in the past year.

She said that she couldn't help picturing Grady, with his beautiful rosey red lips, in the arms of a mommy who didn't make it through childbirth. A mommy who wanted so badly to hold her unborn baby.

It touched my heart and made me jealous all at the same time.

I was comforted that Grady might have filled a void (are there any voids in heaven? probably not, but I'll proceed) for a mommy who didn't get to hold her own baby. But I was jealous that someone else got to hold him first.

I have always pictured my mom as the one who welcomed Grady at the gates of heaven and led him to see the Father. And I feel that she did. But then she might have taken him to see some special woman who needed to hold him.

Just a thought. Something that I can't get out of my mind either. It truly does bring me more comfort than anything else....

I was even jealous that my mom and the others got to hold him before I did. Well, kind of they did. I held him alive in my womb and his flesh in my arms after he died. But someone else held him healthy and whole in their arms first.

I'm holding fast to the hope and promise that I will get to do that one day, too!



  1. That is a beautiful thought Tonya, one that hasn't crossed my mind at all either. Hmmmm, I have come across 2 blogs lately where both moms either died a couple of days after the birth or the day of... and yeah, I would love for them to be taking joy in our boys. It is so interesting all the thoughts and emotions this journey brings with it. Praying for you Tonya, so often!

  2. Tonya, I want you to know that you have really touched L.L.'s heart. She is my sister and has told me how much she feels for you and your sweet little angel. She really has been praying for you, and cares about you and what you are going through. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. It blessed me tonight. I will be praying for you too.

  3. I love the idea that angel mommies hold angel babies in Heaven. It reminds me of our interconnectedness in this world and beyond. I also think L is an angel on Earth, channeling comfort to you from another place, where infinite love reigns. ((hugs)) Nicole

  4. This reminds me of the movie 'My Girl'. Veda tells Thomas J's mom that her mom (who died during her birth) was taking good care of Thomas J up in Heaven.

    I can't help but think of what a fantastic party it must be up there. It doesn't make me miss Owen any less, but it does make me smile.

    love you,