Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Tough Morning of Tough Love

Yep. It's another Wednesday without a Wednesday's Walk. I promise the third part of Grady's service is coming, but something happened this morning that I have to write about instead.

Yes, this beautiful big girl named Jessica has gone on her first trip, six hours away from home. She has spent the night next door and at a friend's house not too far away, but she has never been away from home otherwise. Heck, she won't even spend the night at her grandparents' house! She left this morning to go on a school trip until Friday. (Yes, I had her cover up her shirt so no one could tell where she was going for safety reasons!)

This trip has been planned all year. We talked about it in the fall when I was pregnant with Baby Grady. She knew I couldn't be a chaperone because I would have Baby Grady to take care of. Well, that part of the plan didn't work out, but she insisted that she still wanted to go.

She had to be at the school at 6am this morning. We pulled up to see two big white charter buses, and her reaction was, "Whoaaaa!". When we parked I said, "Okay. This is your last chance to back out, are you sure you still want to go?" Her answer, "Yes."

So, we said a prayer, got her luggage on the correct bus and here she is climbing aboard.

I was standing around talking to some other moms (imagine that!) and she kept waving and blowing me kisses through the tinted windows. I was trying to fight back tears. Then I look up and she's crying and mouthed to me, "I miss you." I can't tell you what that did to my heart! Of course, I marched myself right up into that bus and back to where she was sitting. She said, "Mommy, I want you to go with me." We talked for a couple of minutes, and after lots of encouragement that she would be fine and have a great time once she was there and telling her that if she's absolutely miserable and can't do it, I'll come get her, I fought the primal urge deep within to scoop her up and bring her back home with me.

I turned around and left my oldest baby girl crying on the bus.


Talk about hard! I know it was the right thing to do, but there's a reason the "tough" is in tough love. It was HARD leaving her crying. I know she would have regretted it, and so would I, if she hadn't gone. She needs this as a growing experience and to gain some independence and self-confidence. Still, this morning was the hardest thing I've ever done with her other than watching her be placed under anesthesia and put on an MRI table when she was two. (And rest assured, if she IS miserable and CAN'T make it until Friday, I WILL go get her!)

She told me that she wanted me to go ahead and leave. She thought that would be easier for her. I told her that I would, but I couldn't leave completely. She didn't know, but I pulled across the street into the middle school parking lot and waited until the buses pulled out promptly at 6:30am.

I've been super over-protective of my girls since Grady died. I was overprotective before, but now that I've lost one child....... Well, I don't think I need to say anything else.

She is with some great girls and also a great friend of mine, Jada, who will love on her and take great care of her. In fact, Jada has already called me once to update me about where they are and what's going on. I know Jessica will be taken care of, and I know she will have a great time.

Even though she's my oldest, she'll always be my baby!

I'm a bit anxious about bedtime the next two nights. That's our cuddle and talk time together. I'm hoping she's so worn out and distracted by her friends that she'll conk out! If you think about it and have time, say a couple of prayers, for her and me! I'll let you know how it turns out!



  1. I'm so proud of you and Jessica! She will have a blast... where is she going? Send me an email and let me know. I'll say a little prayer for her (and you), especially tonight at bedtime. None of my kids have spent the night away yet... except for grandparents' houses and I know I will have a hard time when that day comes too. Heck, I had a hard time just letting Austin go on a field trip!! Love you... MB

  2. Oh, Tonya, I know that was so hard. You are a wonderful mom and I know Jessica will have a fantastic time, making all kinds of great memories.
    I'll be praying for her and you during the next few days.

  3. Big hugs, Tonya. I know that was so hard. She'll be fine and will love the trip. It's just hard to let them leave, sometimes.

  4. I hope you heard from Jessica today. I know it must have been hard for you, and I admire and applaud your strength for letting her go, but I can't wait to hear about how much fun she had!

  5. I remember going away to camp for church and balling my eyes out with my head against the window. AND I was the one who WANTED to go. My Mom still has a picture of it. I hope you two are together again soon to get all those missed hugs.