Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

There Are Some Things In Life...

...that you just can't ask for!

Today's post was inspired by a conversation that I had with a good friend of mine a couple of months ago. I thought about it again yesterday, and it stirred something in me that I needed to write about today.

We were talking about people in my life who had hurt me during the time surrounding my mom and Grady's death. I was sharing why I was upset with certain people, mainly for not acknowledging the death of my mom and/or Grady. No card. No phone call. No simple, "I'm sorry". Even from people who knew my mom (unfortunately no one really got to know Grady but me), and people I was supposed to be "close" to.

***As an aside, let me say that I have made amends with two very important people over this subject. I will not name any names, but they know who they are. I'm so thankful for that resolution, and the peace that has followed. However, there are a few people with whom I'm still very hurt because of the lack of acknowledgement and/or expression of sympathy toward me and my family. It goes as far as flat-out dismissal of our loss, acting as if it never happened (especially Grady). Maybe that's wrong, but I can't deny the feelings that I have.

Back to the conversation with my friend...

As we were talking, she voiced that my hurt was coming from unmet expectations that I had of these people. She suggested that I tell these people what I need(ed) from them. After all, if you don't tell people what you need, how are they supposed to know?

I agree 100%. People can't read our minds, so we must ask for what we need...

Except in the case of sympathy!

You CANNOT ASK for sympathy! You can't say to someone, "Can you please be sorry for me or show me some sympathy that my baby/mom just died?"

It is something that is given out of love and respect for the one who is deceased and/or to those who are grieving. It comes from one's heart.

(***Another aside, there are some who know but have chosen, for whatever reason, to remain silent...that hurts worse!)

I am so very grateful for the out-pouring of love and sympathy that we have received in many different ways. Maybe I should not have expected sympathy from anyone. Maybe my expectations were (and are) too high of people. But it is amazing to me that mere strangers, or those who are acquaintances, can be more empathetic and sympathetic than close family and friends.

If you have not experienced loss and/or death and in your life, you are very blessed!

However, I've learned a very important lesson through the deaths of my mom and Grady that I want to share with you. Even if you're uncomfortable with it, try your best to communicate these words with someone who is hurting...

"I'm sorry for your loss."

It doesn't take much effort, and it's a message that reaches far beyond the words themselves to let hurting people know you care.



  1. Tonya,
    This is funny, I started commenting and got so long winded and started venting a bit... so I emailed it to you instead:) I so relate and stuggle greatly with that. Praying for you today Tonya. I miss our boys:) I know I didn't know you or Grady 4 months ago even but I know he is a part of you... so I miss him too:)

  2. I agree wholeheartedly with this post. I can't believe the people who just choose to be silent about our grief. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? I've analyzed it to death and all I can say is that they don't get it. Even if they themselves have suffered in life (and I believe the majority haven't suffered) and don't say anything, I think it's because they've never walked their grief journey, instead they just plodded on, refusing to get messy in their sadness. I think that's so wrong. I do kind of have an issue with people saying, "I'm sorry for YOUR LOSS." I guess I'd much rather have people say, "I'm sorry." I don't want my daughter trivialized, but I agree that saying, "I'm sorry for your loss." is better than not saying anything. Family of origin has so much to do with how people deal with death. One of the gals I met at Faith's Lodge said that when people tell her that they're sorry, she says not to be, because her daughter was INCREDIBLE. And she would go through the pain all over again, just to have that little bit of time with her. I thought that was amazing and it's TRUE. I'd give anything to go through it all again, to just have Felicity in my womb again, to feel her kick, and to lovingly rub my belly. Even to hold her lifeless body again in my arms, to kiss her, touch her, and try to memorize every detail again. If only. . .

  3. Tonya,

    I love that you wrote about this subject. I have been struggling so much with this! I have been wanting so badly to be able to forgive, but I honestly cannot forgive the complete ignorance and lack of compassion I have found in so many people. I have received more love and friendship from strangers, and acquaintances that I have received from a few of my closes "friends" My husand says "You know they just don't know what to say" and I do know that, but to say nothing and try to pretend like Isaiah never lived is such a slap in the face!

    I have come to accept and appreciate what my life now has to offer. I am so very blessed to have an Angel watching over me every moment of my life, and to have wonderful people in my life. Not having those who have hurt and upset me is such a gift from above!!!!

    I have been thinking of you and Grady, and I hope that you start to feel better soon. Its such an arduous, painful road to travel......


  4. Thanks for your post. I totally understand what you mean!

  5. Tonya,
    Thanks for YOUR comment! Glad you already have the book on hand. My husband and I are trying to read it together. It's not long, so it shouldn't take us too long. Here's my email: rschwendinger at hotmail dot com
    I'd love to chat more. Your hubby sounds a lot like mine (he also reads my posts and comments and sometimes I think it's the best way for him to get inside my head and heart.) Yay for blogging! I'm also on fb. Blessings!

  6. I totally agree with you...

    I can't understand why people won't just say "I'm so sorry." And then leave it at that. I guess they feel they have to put in their 2 cents about grief and maybe make us feel better... :( I have no idea.

    The only people who have been able to offer support to me since losing Owen are the ones who have gone through what we have or something similar or people who have an extreme ability to sympathize. And those people are rare!

    So glad to have you in my life!

    Love you Tonya!!!

  7. I just came upon your blog from talking to my wonderful friend Lauren who lost her quads earlier this year. I just wanted to say that I read your words with tears in my eyes and I am so sorry you are living through such grief. I can't comprehend how it must be, especially now that I am a new mom. My heart goes out to you & your family. You are in my thoughts & prayers.