That word has been on my mind all day.....
How often do you feel productive?
Do you find it to be a relative term?
I keep that thinking I'm going to be a productive member of society again soon. But that day seems like it's never going to come. In fact, it feels like it's getting farther and farther away from me.
Why do I feel this way?
Maybe the answer is because literally every room in my house is dirty. Maybe dirty isn't the correct word. Cluttered would be a better way to describe it. The only room that isn't cluttered is Baby Grady's room. Everything is where it should be, but even that room is going to have to be cleaned out at some point. (What a sad day that will be...) The pantry, the drawers, the cabinets, the closets, even my underwear drawer needs to be cleaned out! (That may be TMI, but you got it anyway!!!) Please don't misunderstand. We do NOT look like the homes on "How Clean Is Your House?". Thank God! But it needs some TLC for sure!
When I go to bed at night, I think, "Tomorrow will be better. I'll get more done...Tomorrow." I keep thinking I'm going to be productive around the house. I keep thinking I'm going to be more productive in planning healthy meals and a grocery list, so I don't have to go to the grocery store every day. I keep thinking I'm going to be productive in exercising again. I keep thinking I'm going to be productive in planning activities and spending more time with my children. I could go on and on, but I won't.
I think I feel like I'm not productive because I don't have anything to "show" at the end of each day. But I've lost my motivation. I hate it! Call it depression, laziness, whatever you want. But it's gone.
I have no desire to go to the gym anymore. I have no desire to clean out the clutter in my home. I have no desire to reorganize the pantry, drawers and cabinets. I try to make myself do things, and I achieve at times. But overall, it doesn't happen. And I feel extremely guilty for my lack of contribution to my house and family.
I have had a job since I was 14. I have always equated my self-worth with making money, even if it wasn't a lot. It was something. This is the first time since I was 14 that I haven't had a job. Well, I take that back. I didn't work for the first year after Jessica was born, but that's it. I quit my job at the preschool two weeks before Grady was to be born, and after he died, I had to quit teaching my classes to expectant parents.
Money isn't what is most important in life, and I know that. But I think my lack of contribution in that area adds to the guilt I feel about slacking in other areas of my life.
So, please pray with and for me that I can get my act together. That I can "shape up" before I get "shipped out". That I can wake up each morning with renewed strength and interest in what needs to be done. That I will have the energy and desire to get things done.
To be "productive" in this earthly life again.