Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, May 15, 2009


That word has been on my mind all day.....

How often do you feel productive?

Do you find it to be a relative term?

I keep that thinking I'm going to be a productive member of society again soon. But that day seems like it's never going to come. In fact, it feels like it's getting farther and farther away from me.

Why do I feel this way?

Maybe the answer is because literally every room in my house is dirty. Maybe dirty isn't the correct word. Cluttered would be a better way to describe it. The only room that isn't cluttered is Baby Grady's room. Everything is where it should be, but even that room is going to have to be cleaned out at some point. (What a sad day that will be...) The pantry, the drawers, the cabinets, the closets, even my underwear drawer needs to be cleaned out! (That may be TMI, but you got it anyway!!!) Please don't misunderstand. We do NOT look like the homes on "How Clean Is Your House?". Thank God! But it needs some TLC for sure!

When I go to bed at night, I think, "Tomorrow will be better. I'll get more done...Tomorrow." I keep thinking I'm going to be productive around the house. I keep thinking I'm going to be more productive in planning healthy meals and a grocery list, so I don't have to go to the grocery store every day. I keep thinking I'm going to be productive in exercising again. I keep thinking I'm going to be productive in planning activities and spending more time with my children. I could go on and on, but I won't.

I think I feel like I'm not productive because I don't have anything to "show" at the end of each day. But I've lost my motivation. I hate it! Call it depression, laziness, whatever you want. But it's gone.

I have no desire to go to the gym anymore. I have no desire to clean out the clutter in my home. I have no desire to reorganize the pantry, drawers and cabinets. I try to make myself do things, and I achieve at times. But overall, it doesn't happen. And I feel extremely guilty for my lack of contribution to my house and family.

I have had a job since I was 14. I have always equated my self-worth with making money, even if it wasn't a lot. It was something. This is the first time since I was 14 that I haven't had a job. Well, I take that back. I didn't work for the first year after Jessica was born, but that's it. I quit my job at the preschool two weeks before Grady was to be born, and after he died, I had to quit teaching my classes to expectant parents.

Money isn't what is most important in life, and I know that. But I think my lack of contribution in that area adds to the guilt I feel about slacking in other areas of my life.

So, please pray with and for me that I can get my act together. That I can "shape up" before I get "shipped out". That I can wake up each morning with renewed strength and interest in what needs to be done. That I will have the energy and desire to get things done.

To be "productive" in this earthly life again.



  1. Oh, Tonya. I'm so sorry you feel that you are not a productive member of society, or in your life.

    YOU ARE! You are valued and important. You have meant so much to me.
    I know what you mean about nothing to 'show' at the end of the day.

    But, seriously, don't have to do anything to be valued. You just are.

    Please be gentle on yourself. Please allow yourself to just be some days. Maybe give yourself one or two things to try to do a day and see how it goes after a week or so. See if it helps to have smalls goals and then when you accomplish them, just feel proud and happy that you got that one thing done. Don't start thinking about what else there is to do.

    I am NOT kidding when I say that for a year I didn't do anything! I barely made it out of bed at noon, then I got right on the couch. I didn't eat until Chris got home because I had no desire to eat or to make myself eat. So Chris had to do it for me. I ate one meal a day for about a year. I kid you not.
    I never cleaned or did laundry. I didn't shower until I really had to.

    You have done FAR more than I could have imagined that I could have done.
    I know my thyroid disease had some to do with my lack of energy, but losing a child takes everything from you. All the normal desires are gone.

    You are doing so well. You are grieving and functioning on a day to day basis. That's all anyone can ask of you.

    I am praying that you feel productive and valued, because you are! I am praying for more energy, but if that doesn't come for a few more months, then I will pray that you are gentle on yourself and that you would believe that your family loves you no matter what the house looks like or what meals they eat.

    I love you, Tonya! You are a terrific person, and a great mommy!


  2. Tonya,

    I didn't work outside the home before Samuel was born but I still felt like I was productive and was perfectly happy with my life. Nowadays, my days are pretty similar to what I used to do before I had--and then lost--my son. I run errands, cook, clean, etc. But I feel completely useless and like my days are just pointless. Even though my "schedule" is the same as before, nothing is the same. I know that no matter what I am doing each day, how many things I can cross of a list, I am still going to be plagued by this feeling that nothing I do has purpose. It's the sadness and pain that come from not having our babies to nurture.

    I think it's good to have goals and ideas of things you'd like to do, but try not to feel guilty for not getting them done right now. Like Ebe said above, "functioning" is really what it's about right now.


  3. Tonya,
    I can so relate to so much that you said. Don't I say that in response to most of your posts?:) I feel like I have lost 1/2 my brain since Samuel died and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. I really think that the trauma that we experienced has effects that will last a long time... sometimes completely out of our scope of control. I too have not been able to teach my childbirth classes since Samuel was born... just too hard.

    Just give yourself time... be patient and allow God all the time it will take for Him to work in you through all of this... it is such an ongoing journey. I think you are doing great, at least it seems that way, but I completely understand when you just feel so out of your element and so different from the person you were before. Some of that is sooooo hard for me, yet I can praise Him for the things that I am learning and some of ways He is molding me and changing me. It is crazy but I feel my life as sad as it is somedays is somehow so much richer than before.

    I will keep praying for you. And I guess I would say not to worry too much about the kids. I feel bad for how I have been too, but honestly I think God gives them the grace to weather this storm amazingly and I think He protects them or fills in the gaps in some of the ways we just can't fully be there like normal or like we used to be.
    Please know I am not at all giving advice... I just can completely relate. Give your self time... there is no timetable for grief and missing your son.... until the Lord returns or we join them.... Won't that be a great day!

    I am thinking of you and praying for you!

  4. Tonya,
    I'm sorry you feel so unproductive, but it's not surprising. I know the feeling and it's not abnormal in our shoes. Though you may not be accomplishing what the world tells you that you should be doing, your doing a lot of grief work and that's far better done now rather than putting it off and doing it later. You're also teaching your girls about grief in your unproductivity. While it's not fun (for them or you), they're learning about how to grief, what normal grieving looks like, and how hard life can be. As much as we want to shelter our children from all hurt, it's valuable for them to learn at a younger age that life "isn't a bowl of cherries." But by leaning on God, they'll also learn to lean on Him and then can look forward to a bowl-full-of-cherries life in Heaven. With their brother!