Senseless Saturday

Today is one of those days. I don't know if I'm coming or going. My thoughts are many. My mind is busy and distracted. I'm sad. I'm grumpy. I really have no exact topic to write about. So, bear with me. This will probably just be a whole lot of rambling.

This past week has been a whirlwind of fun, chaos and emotions.

Gib was on spring break this past week. Unfortunately, it didn't coincide with the girls' spring break which was the week before. Gib's best friend, Stephen, came to visit from Vermont with his two boys. Gib, Stephen and I all went to high school together. They were with us from Monday until Thursday. We all had a great time!

Stephen and Gib



Stephen and his boys, Noah (on his lap) and Nick



Noah and Emma Grace (could this be a future rehearsal dinner picture or what?!)


I registered Emma Grace for Kindergarten Thursday afternoon. It was exciting but sad all at the same time. I held her back last year because of the long school day. She was ready academically, but I felt she needed a little more time. It has been really nice only having her in school half days again this year. I love spending the afternoons with her.

Here's a funny story. I had looked for her birth certificate a couple of times, and I just couldn't find it. Then I thought I remembered that I never sent off for one. So, I got a money order, filled out the request form and mailed it. Thursday morning Stephen and I were having coffee, and Gib got out our files to start looking himself. I said, "It's not in there. I've already looked." I was stressed about everything I had to do that day. Stephen grabbed my hands and we prayed. He asked God to help me relax and let me find the papers that I needed. No joke, right after we said Amen, Gib pulled out a paper and said, "What's this?" It was her birth certificate! I couldn't believe it! Next on the agenda was her social security card. I just knew we didn't have that either. I was getting Emma Grace dressed and here comes Gib again. "Look what I found!" It was her social security card! WOW!!!

Friday was a CRAZY, busy day. Emma Grace has "reactive airway disease". If you don't know what that is, the easy answer is that it's a form of asthma. She doesn't have to have breathing treatments all the time, but sometimes a cold, or in this case the pollen, can trigger her to wheeze and cough. I ended up taking her to the doctor first thing Friday morning to get something to help her. She's on a steroid and breathing treatments for the next five days. And let me tell you, the steroid is making her GRUMPY!!! (and that's an understatement!)

After the doctor, Gib and I took her to school for her Easter egg hunt. She had a great time, even though the eggs had to be put out in the fellowship because it poured down rain!




And so, here's the story of my life. There is a, you guessed it, BABY! This baby had the exact same due date as Grady, December 5th. This is an amazingly sweet family who lives in our neighborhood. I have somehow not seen them since Grady died. Well, their little boy was having his egg hunt the same time as Emma Grace. I was blind-sided. I am not a betting person. But I would bet my last penny that this mom told me her baby was a girl. NOT! I had to do a double-take. The dad was clearly holding a baby boy. Now, there's always the possibility that the doctor was wrong or my memory isn't as good as I thought (and I have a pretty good memory). But it was such a painful, "in-my-face" moment.

Exactly what I would have in my arms if he hadn't died.

The family did nothing to make me feel bad. I kept my distance. It's just the reality of my life. The cold, hard reality that I live with every day.

The day did get better. I had lunch and a great visit with one of my very best friends who was in town. I don't get to see her very often, so it was a treat for me! We spent the afternoon together. I was so thankful to have that time with her!

Today I've just been grumpy. Maybe Emma Grace's steroid is rubbing off on me. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I did have a great morning and afternoon with the girls. We went shopping for some new shoes and had lunch at Chick-fil-A. Always a treat! YUM!

The girls played outside the rest of the day, Gib researched Disney cruises, and I journaled and rested. I SO WISH I was a day-time sleeper. But I'm not. I really could have used a good nap this afternoon...might have helped with my grumpies.

I am not looking forward to the days ahead. I could really use your prayers. Tomorrow is Easter, and I'm not even excited. I'm trying for my girls. Tomorrow is Grady's five month "angelversary". Tuesday is the day that he should be turning five months old if he had been born on his scheduled c-section date. Tuesday is also the day that my mom died two years ago. Wednesday is my big presentation to the doctors at the hospital to present my ideas about starting a perinatal loss/bereavement support group. AAGGHHH! It's all a bit overwhelming for me.

Thanks for reading about my Senseless Saturday. Have a great night ~

Love,
Tonya

The News

I've gone around and around about what to write about today. I was going to post about our second trip to Disney, but I just don't have the time tonight. When I got the picture cd, I was prompted to tell about this instead...

If you've visited my blog recently, you know that I've been struggling with missing Grady a lot. I probably should have picked something unrelated to him for this memory just to try to get my mind off of him some. However, the truth is, it doesn't matter what I write about. He's all I think about lately.

It was 21 weeks ago today that we met our beautiful baby boy...not that I'm counting or anything.

I want to briefly share with you the day we found out we were having a boy. It was a Friday afternoon, June 27, 2008. We had just returned from our second trip to Disney, which I'll probably write about next week. The highlight of coming home from that trip was finding out if "the baby in Mommy's tummy" was a boy or girl.

We came home from finding out and sat the girls on the sofa. Here they are waiting anxiously...


I asked them what they thought it was, boy or girl. They both said "girl". I then asked them what they hoped it was. Jessica said a girl, Emma Grace said "both". Well, I reiterated the fact that there was only ONE baby in my tummy and she had to choose. It took a couple of times, but she finally confessed that she hoped this baby was a girl.

I wanted to keep them in suspense, so very slowly I announced...

"It's.....a.....BOY!"

Here are the reactions...





Emma Grace quickly perked up and said, "Well, we can change that!"

Me: "No, baby, we can't change that. It's a boy."

Emma Grace: "No, Mommy. We just need to tell God that we want a baby girl instead!"

Me: "God obviously wanted us to have a baby boy because that's what He gave us."

Oh, the innocence of a child. Ask and you shall receive...

Even though they were apprehensive at first, they had grown accustomed to the idea of a baby boy/brother and were very excited to welcome him into our family. We all still struggle with the alternate plans God had for him. He will always be a part of our family because he will always live in our hearts.
Thanks for sharing this memory with me this week.

Love,
Tonya

I Accept. I Trust. In Spite Of...

...the fact that I don't like it.

It's NOT what I want...

As you can tell, I'm still not doing great (or even good for that matter). Gib asked me last night what I think it is that has brought back my grief with such a vengeance. I don't think there is a concrete answer to that question. It's the hard and difficult roller coaster of grief. It's the unimaginable dream of losing my unborn child. My friend, Ebe, described it last night as a "deep, unsettling ache". I would have to agree.

The title of my post may be confusing, so let me explain. But first, let me preface with this....I really don't know who reads my blog. I'm hoping that lots of people do. I don't know where you are spiritually, or if you have faith at all. If you do, it may or may not be in the same God that I believe or trust. What I post here is based on my belief in our risen Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He's all I have to hold onto.

HE IS MY ONLY HOPE!!!

And to be honest, I don't know where I'd be right now if I did not have that hope.

So, having said that, I hope that you'll keep reading and know that I'm speaking for myself and not trying to intrude or impose my beliefs onto you in any way! I welcome all readers!!!

I accept. I trust. In spite of the fact that I don't like it.

You see, being a Christian doesn't always mean the road before us is without difficult hills to climb. It doesn't mean that it is paved perfectly without pot holes that we can fall into. It doesn't mean that we won't have sharp, winding curves that we can't see around (I'm pretty thankful for that!). It also doesn't mean that our road won't take us to the edge of a cliff where we have to quickly and strongly put on the brakes, back up, and get on the right path again.

God never promised any of us an easy road. But His promises are true to always love us, guide us, be with us and never leave us, NO MATTER WHAT! It's the times when we think He's the farthest away that He's really the closest...

Yesterday was part two of our sermon, Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I won't go into all of the details of that sermon, but I will tell you that David was faced with another trial when things were going really well for him. He was already king and was betrayed by his son, Absalom (2 Samuel 15). Instead of fighting back this time and taking things into his own hands, he surrendered. He left his palace and said something that was very powerful to me...

2 Samuel 12:26, "...let him do to me whatever seems good to him."

David is referring to God, not his son Absalom. Our dreams are not always God's will. But He sees the big picture that we cannot. Even though I don't like these circumstances. Even though I want Baby Grady back with all of my being. Even though there are times in the day that I feel like I can't go on. Even when all I want to do is just go to heaven with my family and not experience any more of this hurt and anguish here on this earth.

GOD KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, even if I don't agree.

Andy Stanley phrased it very well yesterday when he said this...

"Our faith in God stands apart from our dreams".

My faith and trust remain. Even though my dreams are shattered. Even though my heart is broken beyond words.

Love,
Tonya

Beat Down

That's how I feel tonight. Beat down. Run down. Emotionally exhausted.

It's been a hard day, friends.

I had a family get-together today with my extended family to celebrate my Uncle Thomas's 80th birthday! He looks great to be 80 and can still play the piano like a young stud! We LOVE for him to come to our house and play because our piano doesn't get used at all (except for the occasional banging!). The girls love it so much that they open the back windows in hopes that the neighbors can hear, too!

We love you, Uncle Thomas!!!

It was a great time of celebration for him and I'm so thankful I went to honor him. But, it was the first time that I've been with my whole family since my mom died. Almost two years ago. The reasons are long and personal. The purpose of this blog isn't to hurt anyone, family or friends. But it is for me to share what's on my mind and heart with those who care to read and know. We'll just suffice it to say that there is a lot of hurt in my heart that has built over the past two years, including Grady dying.

I knew that today would be hard for me. So hard, in fact, that I called my dear friend Amy Ellen to pray for me this morning. Hard not just to see my family, but also because there was going to be a baby there. Not just a baby.

A baby boy.

I'm not exactly sure when he was born, but I think it was September or October. Very close in age to what Grady should be. I sat in the parking lot for a long time before I ever went in. Praying. Gathering every bit of strength and courage I could muster...

I managed to hold myself together until I was getting ready to leave. One of my cousins had the courage to actually mention Grady to me. To just say, "I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I don't know what else to say." I can't tell you how much that meant to me! Most everyone avoids any mention of him wherever I go. It's the "elephant in the room". If you are reading this and have experienced a stillbirth, you know exactly what I'm talking about. People don't say anything at all because they don't know what to say. When, in reality, the silence is worse because it's as if the baby never existed. In defense of others, it's not an easy subject to talk about. It's not comfortable. But there's nothing comfortable about a baby dying. PERIOD! Especially for the parents and siblings who have lived through it. (And before I get a lot of comments about this, NO, I did NOT expect or want to receive doting and attention today. Today was about Uncle Thomas!) I was just extremely touched at my cousin's courage and follow-through.

I was so emotionally drained when I got home, I went to bed. I NEVER go to bed in the middle of the afternoon! I just couldn't deal with anything else. I got in the bed, hugged my Baby Grady blanket and went to sleep.

I took the girls outside after dinner to ride their bikes before it got dark. If my day wasn't already hard enough, my next door neighbor came out with her baby. Not only did she come out, she walked over to my drive! She has NEVER come over before. Outside, yes. Over, no. Of all days!!! At least she has a baby girl (girls are a little easier for me than boys). But still. This baby is only two months older than Grady would be.

I know you're thinking, "Girl, you've gotta get a grip! There are babies everywhere!" Believe me - I KNOW!!!! If there's a baby in a 10 mile radius, I'm gonna see it first! Sad thing for me is that I love babies.

And I especially love my Baby Grady.

It's just going to take time, prayer and LOTS of healing.

Thanks for listening to me tonight...

Love,
Tonya

Date Night!

We actually had one tonight!

My friend, Lee Ann, invited the girls over to play this evening. Our kids hadn't played in a long time, so she wanted them to come and stay for dinner. This gave me an idea...

I texted my hubby and asked him on a date! He obliged, making me a very happy Momma T! Only I wasn't Momma for a few hours. I was just "T".

Nice.

You see, we never get a babysitter and just go on dates. This was a real treat for us. Plus, it couldn't have happened on a better day because I just got my hair done today! The works: cut, color, highlights and lowlights! (Thankfully we had a gift card for dinner 'cuz we sure don't have much extra after that splurge on myself - only it's not really considered a splurge in my eyes. More like a necessity! I refuse to be white-headed at 36!)

Back to the real post...



I came home from taking the girls to find these beautiful flowers...just because.

Wasn't that so sweet and thoughtful?

YEP!

We went to the bookstore and browsed. And browsed in quiet peacefulness.

(BIG sigh - ahhhhh)

We were lucky to get an early dinner reservation at P.F. Chang's. Chicken lettuce wraps...YUM!

I indulged in four diet cokes and used up all the lemons that were meant for Gib's water. Couldn't let them just sit there...

Great food. Great company. Quiet dinner.

WONDERFUL night!

---------------

But, I can't leave you tonight without telling you about the steals I got at Kohls. I returned a couple of things and browsed there too. I bought a pink cotton hoodie for my breast cancer walk in October and two NICE winter coats for the girls for only...are you ready? $45.00! Woo-hoo! The coats were nice (Zero Exposure) and dirt cheap (marked down from $110 and $85) plus I had a 20% off coupon. I love a good deal!

WONDERFUL!

Love,
Tonya

Premonition or Paranoia?

This topic has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. It started when someone on my stillbirth message board started a discussion about premonitions of our babies dying. I had thought about this, but not really. Lately, I can’t get it out of my mind...

I haven’t even shared this with Gib…

Was I having premonitions that Grady would die or was I just paranoid?

I’m not sure.

This is a hard post for me to write today. Hard, but necessary…

When I found out that I was pregnant a little over a year ago, it was really hard for me to believe. I honestly thought we were finished and our family was complete with our two precious girls. I literally had to keep reminding myself that I was pregnant. If I hadn’t been so nauseous, I truly think I might have forgotten. At least until my belly got so big...

It all seemed surreal to me.

Then I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw that tiny heartbeat. WOW!

Two weeks later, that “bean with a beat” now had sprouts growing off of it (arms and legs).

And so it went, week after week, I got bigger and bigger. Five ultrasounds of a healthy baby. Ultrasound of my cervix every two weeks. Normal blood work. Full-term baby. Seemingly healthy baby...

I was unsure about having a little boy in our “girl world”. It was hard for me to picture him as part of our daily lives. As much as I wanted to, and tried, I never could fully grasp it my entire pregnancy.

Fast forward to when we were painting the nursery. I picked the color, Gib painted and put the crib together. This was in July before he went back to work for the school year. I thought, “Have we jumped the gun?” “Are we doing too much too soon?” "What if something happens to him?" I tend to be a procrastinator and didn’t want to have the stress at the end of the pregnancy to rush and get everything done at once.

At the time, I just thought I was worried about prematurity – which was true.

But...

Premonition or paranoia???

When we would talk about him, we would always say “Baby Grady”. That sounded so sweet to me. But when I would picture myself calling his name as he got older, “Grady” didn’t seem right. I’m not sure why because I love that name. I just couldn’t picture him being any bigger than a baby.

Premonition???

Then came the baby showers. I had two (well, four really). One small one with my very closest of friends, and one with the people I worked with. My supper club gave me a diaper shower, and Gib’s co-workers went in together to get us a really nice big gift.

As I was writing my thank you notes, I would always hesitate when writing something like, “I know he will look so cute in that outfit” or “I know Baby Grady will have a great time playing in that activity center”. This was just the week before he was to be born, but ultimately died. I can’t explain the hesitancy I felt every time I wrote those words...

Premonition or paranoia???

I remember Gib putting together the activity center right after we got it. I should have been excited, but I felt a little angry that he was doing it so soon. After all, Grady wasn’t even here yet and he wouldn’t be able to play in it until he was about 4-5 months old. Why go ahead and do it? Oh well, I let it go but distinctly remember telling him, “Don’t throw away the box!”

What did he do?

He threw away the box... (sigh) Now we have a great Baby Einstein activity center that can’t be taken back. It’s just sitting in the closet.

Premonition or paranoia???

I don’t know. But I remember telling a friend of mine that I really wasn’t surprised that Grady wasn’t here with us. The whole pregnancy just seemed so surreal to me.

Surreal or not...

I hate it!

I wish he was here...

Love,
Tonya

First Trip To Disney

This post almost didn't happen. I had all my pictures strategically placed and all at once, they were gone! But, I'm persevering and trying again. Soooo...

This week we’re going back two short years ago to our first trip to Disney! Not just the girls’ first trip. Nope. The first trip for all of us!



Yes! Can you believe that our parents NEVER took us to Disney as children? Don’t get me wrong...they’re great parents. But...NO DISNEY??? Living our whole lives in Georgia! Only 6 hours away! Gimme a break!

BUT, I do have to say, it was great fun for me and Gib to experience Disney for the first time with our girls.

It was June, 2007. We first spent a week at the beach and had a blast! We left and drove to my friend Mary Beth’s. She was living in Orlando at the time, just a short 20 minute drive from her house to the Disney entrance! Thanks again MB!!!

We were only spending three days at the park. We had tickets for two days at Magic Kingdom and one day at MGM. I wasn’t educated about all the “ins and outs” of Disney at that time (ie. Character meals, etc.) but we still had LOTS of fun!




I remember walking through the gates of Magic Kingdom and seeing the castle right in front of us. I have to say that it truly was “magical”. Even for me! I can’t imagine what was going through my little people’s minds.



If I’m not mistaken, the first thing we did was go on a hunt for the princesses. For this trip, meeting the princesses was a definite MUST! Once we worked our way to the back of the park, we stood in the massively long line to wait, and wait, and wait...

But we were not disappointed. The wait was VERY much worth it! When we got to the front of the line, the girls were almost paralyzed... They saw Cinderella, Belle and Aurora (Sleeping Beauty). They couldn’t move. I had tears in my eyes. (I’m such a sap!) One of the princesses asked Emma Grace what her name was and she couldn't even speak!






I left with tears in my eyes - still! It was, again, magical for me and the same was definitely true for my girls! I remember Gib saying, “I don’t think it matters what else we do. That was the highlight of the trip!”

We stepped out and saw Goofy’s Barnyard roller coaster (I'm not sure if that's the exact name of it but I can't remember at the moment). Jessica decided to give it a try - with me. I’m not much for roller coasters in my "old age", but I was willing to do it for her. This is a very tame roller coaster. But when we got off, she definitely did NOT like it!



When we back last summer, in ’08, she stayed far away from it and the other roller coasters, too!

We saw a character parade; a character musical with the princesses, Mickey/Minnie and their gang on the front stage of the castle; a Beauty and the Beast musical; and we can't forget the "Lights, Motors, Action" stunt show at MGM. We rode the classics like "It's a Small World" and "Dumbo". It might not sound like much, but we were all pooped when we left each day.



Jessica still remembers the "dude that fell off the motorcycle in the fire" (at Lights, Motors, Action stunt show). Emma Grace says she loves the memory of Jessica's first roller coaster ride. (She loves it so much because she stayed safe in Daddy's arms!) Gib says that his favorite memory is just "the excitement of being there for the first time myself with three of the most precious girls I know". I would have to agree (well, not the three girls part, but my three favorite people for sure!)

It was magical! Have I mentioned that yet?

The weather was HOT! The park was CROWDED! But we didn’t care! We had a great time!









Love,
Tonya