Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, June 22, 2009



That's what I'm doing.

Waiting for direction from the Lord...

Have you heard the song from Fireproof called "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller?

I had a meeting Friday at the hospital for the perinatal loss/bereavement committee that I'm a part of. I heard the song on the way there AND on the way home. The lyrics struck me...and I realized that's exactly what I'm doing.


And while I'm waiting on Him, I'll continue to praise Him...

What am I waiting for?

Lots of things.

Direction and discernment regarding complicated decisions about my life.

Our lives.

But I want the answers to come from Him. I want to know that the next steps are His will for my life. Not hasty decisions that I make on a whim, just because I feel like that's what I want or what I should do.

I want His will for my life.

You see, I'm at sort of a crossroads in my life.

According to the plan that I had for my life, I should have my two beautiful girls and a seven month old baby boy to take care of. Juggling "older girl activities" while changing dirty diapers, nursing around the clock (maybe not around the clock at this point, but frequently during the day, at least), sitting in a high chair, eating solid foods, two naps during the day, sitting up, rolling over, fun time in the Baby Einstein activity center (that still sits in the closet), walks in the get the idea.

That was my plan. I thought it was His plan, too. But it wasn't.

I'm slowly coming to terms with this. And let me tell you, it's not easy!

I'm reading a great little book called, "Still To Be Born - a guide for bereaved parents who are making decisions about their future". There's a quote in it that jumped off the page at me...

"When an infant dies your future is put on hold until you can come to terms with your past".

That's what I'm doing. Coming to terms with my past.

Grady was perfect. Grady died. Is it not the will of God for us to have more children?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

Is it time for me to move forward and close this chapter of my life?

Should we try again?

Should we not try again and just be thankful for the two beautiful girls we've been blessed with on this earth?

Is it time for me to decide what I want to do professionally and get a "real" job? (I do have a BSN degree that sits dormant, waiting to be put to good use.)

I feel strongly that I'm supposed to do something in the area of perinatal loss. Myself and another NICU nurse are very passionate about a position being created for us as "perinatal loss coordinators" to be with families who are "in crisis", in the midst of a loss, to educate the staff on sensitivity and how to better care for these families, to be a liason and advocate for these most confused families who are in shock, facing difficult decisions. But, we're facing road blocks that are discouraging. We will not give up easily, but...

I'm waiting.

To see how the Lord really wants to use Grady's life and death to impact others. I can't let his life be a waste. It was too important. HE was too important! I have to use this experience to somehow reach out to others who are hurting in similar circumstances. I'm just not exactly sure what that is...yet.

So, I'm waiting...

I need to schedule an appointment with Dr. Joe to discuss, in detail, my history, my uterus, my chances (ie. statistics), my age, etc. I have so many questions. So many fears. Those fears won't go away just by talking to him. But having as much information as possible will be helpful. Then comes LOTS of prayer.

What's next in my life? Our lives?

I'm not sure. But in the meantime...

I'll wait.

On Him.

For His will to be done...

And I'll continue to praise Him. I'll run this race of life and not grow faint. I'll remain hopeful for what He has in store for me. I'll serve and worship Him...

...while patiently, I wait.


Here are the lyrics, if you want to read them.

"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller (from

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

Just in case you've never heard the song and would like to, you can listen to it by clicking play (don't forget to mute the music at the bottom of this page first!).



  1. What a beautiful song. Thank you for sharing. I feel a lot like you in the sense that I'm kind of in this in between stage right now. We're trying to conceive but it's not working naturally so we are trying to decide what to do next. Anyway, I do have to say that I find a lot of hope and inspiration from your blog. The things you say touch my heart and help me with my grief. Little Grady's life does mean something, not just to you and your family, but also to all the people that read this blog and take something from it. I will pray that the position you were talking about becomes a reality for you. I know you will be amazing at it. God Bless.

  2. Hey Lady-in-Waiting,
    Praying God gives you peace while you wait on Him. And wisdom to be able to test and approve what God's will is for your future.

  3. Praying that God would make your path straight before you... that He would be a lamp unto your feet.

  4. Beautiful post. We will wait with you.

    I praying for you, Tonya.


  5. Hey I finally got your email in my spam... sorry, I just replied to you. But it referenced some of these same things. I will pray for you Tonya as you wait. I pray that God really clearly shows you the path ahead. Wouldn't that be nice:) Tonya, I can't wait to hear all that the lord does through you regarding the perinatal loss stuff. I have felt maybe the Lord would have me do something there too, but don't have a strong leading as of yet. Thinking of you and praying that the Lord gives you peace in the waiting. Love to you friend.

  6. Tonya -

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Don't be too hard on yourself.

    Those lyrics apply to how I'm feeling in life too. You are not alone. :)


  7. Beautiful, Tonya...praying for you as you wait on Him...