Most of you following this blog, so far, know what tragedy we've recently had in our lives. Our precious baby boy was stillborn on November 12, 2008. He was full-term, just two days away from being happily welcomed into this world via c-section. I will have a post, with details, devoted completely to him soon. However, the past almost three months have been the most difficult and trying of my life. Even more so than when Emma Grace was born 15 weeks early at 25 weeks gestation, weighing only 1 lb. 13 oz. Maybe not more difficult, just "different" difficult. Babies just aren't supposed to be born dead! I know that sounds harsh, but that's been the reality of my world since that beautiful fall day when my world fell apart.
I wish I could say that my faith never wavered, but that's not the case. My faith has been shaken beyond belief. However, I have finally "come around" in the last few weeks. That's also going to be a blog coming soon..... We were in church this morning, though, singing a song that many of you probably know. Its called "Blessed Be Your Name" by Tree63. Several of the lyrics popped out at me and really spoke to my heart this morning. I'm not sure if I will be able to put into words exactly what this means to me, but I'm going to give it my best shot.
There is a verse that says "And blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name". The song goes on to say (and this is really what caught my attention), "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name". This may come as a surprise to some of you (and you will learn quickly that I'm a raw, honest person, don't usually hold anything back), that I really do have to CHOOSE to say to the Lord, "Blessed be Your name". It doesn't always come easy to me these days, as often happens when you are going through a dark time in your life, walking on a "road marked with suffering". God gave to me a beautiful, perfect baby boy, who He quickly took away. It would be so easy to continue being mad at God, wondering why He didn't prevent Grady from dying. Questioning "Why God?", "Why us?", "Why him?". "Why me?". And if I'm completely honest (which I always am), I do still ask those questions. I'm only human and can't help but wonder. But I'm not dwelling on it anymore. I have CHOSEN to praise the Lord for all the He has done and continues to bless me with in my life. I will never understand the "whys" of this situation (at least not until heaven), but it just feels so good, warms my heart, soothes my soul to say, "My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name......"