Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, February 28, 2011

I Just Don't Post

Lately, it seems that when I'm struggling with things, I just don't post.

When I was dealing with my raw grief for Grady, I posted A LOT. This was my safe place to come and share my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure why it has become hard for me to "go deep" lately.

Maybe I don't have the mental or emotional energy. Maybe I feel selfish. Maybe I think people don't really care what I have to say. Maybe I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe I don't want to sound like the "Debbie Downer" that I feel like I am.

You see, I'm struggling with some selfish thoughts that have to do with a few people in my life who I love very much. They all stem from expectations that I have or had at one point. (Speaking of which, I have a post that I started on December 19, 2010 still sitting in my inbox. I'm not sure if I will ever finish it and post it.)

I feel terrible that I expected anything from anyone in the first place, but it's hard for me to dismiss my feelings and brush them under the rug. Expectations only set you up to be disappointed. People will let you down, no doubt about it. Which is precisely why my eyes need to be turned more toward Jesus than people. That's a whole different post!

Anyway, in addition to that, my heart has been so burdened lately.

I'm heartbroken for the family of beautiful Kate McRae that her cancer has returned.

I'm heartbroken for the orphans in the world who desperately need a home. I found this blog recently and spent hours reading the story of the adoptions of their special needs children, one of who was five years old and weighed only 15 pounds when they brought her home. Her most recent post included a few children whose time is running out to be adopted before they are institutionalized forever. Oh, my aching heart. If I could save them all, I would.

I'm worried about my own little Emma Grace and her headaches. She is having them very frequently. They are not all severe, but they are all on the right side of her head and in and around her right eye. I've tried to pinpoint a trigger and can't seem to find one. I am going to have her eyes checked first, although I don't think that's her problem. She has some other concerning symptoms that precede her headaches, and to be honest, I'm scared to know what's going on.

Scared. To. Death.

Of course, my mind immediately races to the worst. I can't seem to help myself. I can't turn on a happy button and pretend that something might not be wrong.

My heart is heavy for my friend, Rachael, as her Baby David's first birthday is tomorrow and he is spending it in heaven. They came up with an awesome idea to celebrate his L.I.F.E. Visit her blog if you want to read more. I wish that I had thought of it myself to honor Grady. I need to figure out what I'm going to do to honor that precious boy and his family. I've been thinking about it but nothing has blown me away yet.

I'm anxious for my friend, Sara, as she is so close to having Baby Levi, praying every day for his safe arrival. I want him to be born now!

Oh, the list could go on. My heart is heavy. That's all I've got for now.



  1. (((hugs))) Tonya. Praying for your family and Emma Grace's headaches. Hoping there is a "simple" and easily cured/fixed cause behind them.

    I can get what you are saying about not being able to go deep in blog world. I have over a dozen unfinished posts from the last two months.

  2. Tonya,
    I totally get not being able to go deep sometimes... there have been so many things that I have wanted to express while in here in the hospital, but can't seem to go there or articulate it all... Layers of the onion of grief... overwhelming at times.

    Tonya, I will be praying for Emma Grace. I pray that the headaches stop or that you will get answers as to what might be causing them. Do you think that they are migranes? I suffered with them for years.

    Tonya, thanks for mentioning me and for all your prayers... I want him out now too:) Please pray for God's perfect time for him to arrive safely Lord willing. Love you Tonya!!!

  3. It is so easy to become overwhelmed. Thank God that we do not have to carry that burden alone, but that we can lay it at the cross! I am thanking God though that your heart, along with mine, and with many others, is burdened and breaking for orphans! It will only be with our brokeness for the least of these that they will find families-maybe even with ours!

  4. It sounds like Emma Grace might suffer from migraines. I've had them for years. Tyler was dx with them when he was 6. A good Neurologist could dx and treat them.

    Debbie Waters

  5. Tonya, I totally know what you mean by being overwhelmed by all of the suffering in the world around you. I feel this way many times myself.
    I will be praying for Emma Grace too.
    Thank you for mentioning davids birthday celebration.
    Love you friend!

  6. I am thinking about you guys this afternoon. Hope all is well.

    I feel the same way about posting- I just don't post. : (
    It's good and bad and just... the way it is right now, huh?

    love you friend.