Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Living Life

I've had lots of time to ponder things lately. In the quiet moments while holding Matthew, my mind wanders. It skips and jumps and moves all around.

Time is passing way too quickly. Jessica is 11. We only have seven years left with her until she goes to college. I hope she will choose somewhere close, but we will support her regardless.

I can't believe Emma Grace is already 7, and Matthew is 3 months. It is hard to believe it has already been almost 2 years since Grady went to heaven.

Time is flying, and I want to live life. I'm just not sure how to do it...

Let me explain.

Obviously, with a tiny baby there isn't much structure or routine right now. We're still trying to figure that out. And it will come. I certainly do NOT want to wish this time away. It is precious time, and I'm gonna miss it one day. In a way, I already do...

But, despite ironing out those kinks, we still need to live life.

Right now, I feel like we're just existing.

I don't take a single day for granted with my family. I know each minute we have could be our last. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow or even two hours from now. So we should live each moment to the fullest.

I tell my kids and husband that I love them all the time. I think they know it.

But as much fun as I want to have with my family, the chores and daily grind still exist. I'm struggling to find a good balance.

Before we had children, I dreamed of one weekend night where we would have family game night. Each one of us would pick a game to play, and we would have a great time together. We play games but not nearly enough. One of the problems is that we don't have many games to play. The other problem is that there is always other stuff to do, or we are all so tired. Well, maybe that's just me and Gib.

I want my kids to have good memories of growing up. I want them to know that we love them, and I want to engage with them more. I think games are a great way to do this, but even just taking a walk together is nice.

I'm afraid if we keep traveling down the road of life the way we have been, the girls (and soon Matthew) will only remember Mom and Dad as being tired all the time, sleeping/napping, and not doing anything fun.

We do fun things, but not nearly enough.

Here's the thing. There are several things that stick out about my childhood. My mom would occasionally take me to Baskin and Robins to get ice cream on Fridays after school. My dad would play games with me on the weekends. Our favorite was Trouble. We would sometimes brave Monopoly which was a two-day event. I always drank coffee in a sippee cup and "read" the paper with my dad on Sunday mornings. We went to the Flea Market on Sunday afternoons, and I looked forward to the bounce houses.

But, even with those fun things, I remember my parents spending lots of time sleeping/relaxing. Mom would nap every afternoon after I got home from school, one of which I took it upon myself to eat a whole bottle of Flintstone Vitamins. The repercussions were NOT pleasant. My dad always napped on the weekends. And the result was that I was bored a good bit of the time. Granted I was raised as an only child because my brother is 15 years older than me, but I wish I had more memories of us doing things together.

I want that for my children and myself.

I want to look back and know that we spent our time wisely with our children.

I want them to remember us as fun parents who were willing to get out and do things with them. Or who found fun things to do even at home.

I don't want them to remember us as lazy bums, which is what I feel we are sometimes. I'm not saying naps and resting are bad 'cuz Lord knows there are just days when you HAVE to have that or you won't make it through. I'm just saying there needs to be a good balance. And not just with napping and having fun but also with chores and having fun.

The weeks are busy, and there's lots that absolutely has to be done. But the bottom line is that I need to grow a big ole backbone and demand more help from the other people who live here. I'm not very good at that, though. But I'm bogged down with "stuff" and I want to be bogged down with the people who I love the most.

We don't have the money to be going all over the place in search of fun things to do. I just need to be more creative in finding free/cheap things to do. All too soon, it's going to be just me and Gib. And we need to work on spending more time together just the two of us so that we aren't strangers when we are empty nesters. But that's a whole different post for a different day...

We are having a beautiful weekend here in GA. The fall festival at Emma Grace's school is later today, and Gib is running a half marathon tomorrow. Jessica is away for the weekend somewhere in the GA mountains having a blast. Yes, I know where she is :) And I'm so thankful for this great weather because rain and storms are supposed to move in Monday.

Hope y'all have a GREAT weekend!

And, by the way...if you have any fun ideas/suggestions on things to do as a family or memories from your childhood that you want to share, I would love to hear them!



  1. Tonya, I got my hug from Louis:) Thanks:) I am praying for you sweet friend as I feel the heaviness entering more in my days as we approach Samuel's birthday.

    This post was great. I can so relate to so much of what you said. I will echo your thoughts on having the rest of the family help. Especially with homeschooling, I feel like I NEVER have time to get it all done. But when they all pitch in, I really do have more time for family time, which is so important. We even do the firemans clean up after dinner... everyone helps till it is all done. (Food put away, floors cleaned, dishes cleaned up, it all, or I am the one in the kitchen for a long time... no fun.) My kids have a lot of chores, but I think it helps prepare them for the future too. Caleb just asked the other day if I think he could live on his own right now:) I had to laugh, but he told me all he could do, the laundry, dishes, cook some basic stuff, and I had to agree, if he could drive, he probably could:) Such a goof ball.

    We love taking walks together, playing games, even something as basic as uno... just takes a few minutes, but it is time spent together. I also try to take the kids out individually, and they love that. Good memories for me too.

    Tonya, you are a great mom to all your kiddos. Go easy on yourself, it takes a lot to get through what we have, keep moving forward, and doing all we need to do as moms. I always pray that the Lord would help my kids remember all the fun things we do, and not the other:) does that make sense? Silly, I know, but I figure, He can do anything right? Praying for you friend... sorry for the novel...


  2. I'm with Sara - go easy on yourself... you ARE a good mom. It is really all the little conversations and moments at meal times and at bed that I remember with my parents, and that I try and do with my kiddos. It is weird how I mention something fun we did as kids... what felt like all the time, and my mom will tell me now - she thinks that we did that maybe a handful of times. Funny how our minds and memories work.
    You are right, we do need to deliberately do things like play games and go places fun; however, because you love your kids the way you do - their childhood will be full of happiness... it doesn't have to be bells and whistles all of the time. And because you love them the way you do, they will respond to your request for help. I have memories of cleaning our room and dusting/putting things away with my sisters and actually having fun because of the conversation.

    Blessings on your weekend!

  3. I am sure you are doing a good job with your girls. They seem so sweet.