I'm really tired tonight. I don't have much to say, but I'm feeling a bit of guilt.
But I do.
I picked up my Baby Grady journal last night to see what I had written this time a year ago. There wasn't an entry for December 13th. The entry was for December 18th.
The beginning said, "I wanted to write on your one month birthday (12/12) and your planned birthday (12/14) but I didn't. I think I was too emotionally exhausted."
My heart sank as I read those words last night.
This month is the first month since Grady went to heaven that I didn't remember his birthday on the 12th. He would have been 13 months old.
Part of me felt good about this as I know I'm making progress and moving forward. A grief counselor would probably have a hay-day with me right now.
But the mommy part of me feels really guilty for not remembering my son's important, special day. If he were here and alive, I certainly would have remembered the day he turned 13 months old.
The pain is still there. It hasn't gone away.
I think about him all the time. Every day. In everything I do. I'm amazed at how my life has changed so much. Because of one little person that I never really got to know. One whom I love so very, very much.
My eyes and heart have been opened up in so many new ways.
New and treasured friendships have been brought into my life as a result of Grady's short life here on earth.
My relationship with God has grown so much stronger, despite the distance I created with Him in the beginning. He is still a mystery to me. His ways and His thoughts. But I love Him still. And He loves me. He has carried me and will continue to carry me...that I know for sure.
I hope you know that in your heart, too.