Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, December 14, 2009

A Bit of Guilt

I'm really tired tonight. I don't have much to say, but I'm feeling a bit of guilt.

I shouldn't.

But I do.

I picked up my Baby Grady journal last night to see what I had written this time a year ago. There wasn't an entry for December 13th. The entry was for December 18th.

The beginning said, "I wanted to write on your one month birthday (12/12) and your planned birthday (12/14) but I didn't. I think I was too emotionally exhausted."

My heart sank as I read those words last night.

This month is the first month since Grady went to heaven that I didn't remember his birthday on the 12th. He would have been 13 months old.

Part of me felt good about this as I know I'm making progress and moving forward. A grief counselor would probably have a hay-day with me right now.

But the mommy part of me feels really guilty for not remembering my son's important, special day. If he were here and alive, I certainly would have remembered the day he turned 13 months old.

The pain is still there. It hasn't gone away.

I think about him all the time. Every day. In everything I do. I'm amazed at how my life has changed so much. Because of one little person that I never really got to know. One whom I love so very, very much.

My eyes and heart have been opened up in so many new ways.

New and treasured friendships have been brought into my life as a result of Grady's short life here on earth.

My relationship with God has grown so much stronger, despite the distance I created with Him in the beginning. He is still a mystery to me. His ways and His thoughts. But I love Him still. And He loves me. He has carried me and will continue to carry me...that I know for sure.

I hope you know that in your heart, too.



  1. Oh, don't beat yourself, up, ok? I'm glad you're able to see both sides- the growth and the sadness. I am so glad to see that God is carrying you- and you feel him doing so. We know, he knows, that you'll never forget your precious boy.

  2. I did the same thing for Felicity's 14 month bday this month - totally forgot (even as we drove to church and I looked at her gravesite). It felt good and sad when I realized it - so I understand what you're feeling.

    Blessings in the weeks ahead, Tonya!

  3. The new layout looks really fun and christmasy! :) praying for you in this season.

  4. After 25 months, I do the same thing. I think I remember missing Owen's 5 month birthday and it hurt so much. But we don't forget them. They are never forgotten. You're right, though, we move forward, Tonya and we take them with us.
    Our lives with grief will look different as we move onward toward them.

    love you!