Meetin' MckMama

Yep, that's right...

I MET MckMAMA YESTERDAY!!!



I heard she was coming to Atlanta, and I wasn't about to miss an opportunity to meet her in person. It was a little over an hour drive, but I didn't care. The weather didn't stop me either. It was damp, rainy, cold and the thermometer on my dashboard said it was 43 degrees. It took quite a while last night for my toes to warm up, but it was well worth it!

And to think, I almost missed it! I would have been MOST unhappy! I misread her instructions when she threw out the idea for an Atlanta meeting and just left a comment on her blog. Then, in one of her tweets, she said she was emailing people back about the Atlanta gathering. I emailed her on Friday to ask about details and when she responded, I literally said "WHAT?!" out loud to my computer screen. It was planned for two days later.

My small group was gracious enough to delay our Thanksgiving dinner by 30 minutes. It was at our house this week, and there was no way I could get to the gathering at 3pm and back home by 5:30. Everyone agreed to meet at 6 instead. Which doesn't sound like a lot of extra time, but it was just what I needed.

Gib was wonderful to help me get the house ready. I just couldn't get into the cleaning groove Saturday, so he picked up the slack for me on Sunday. Emma Grace dusted and wiped down the table. Jessica cleaned the guest bathroom. Gib vacuumed, changed the table cloth and washed dishes. And it all came together beautifully.

Back to meetin' MckMama...

My friend, Jenny, and I braved the cold weather and headed down to Grant Park, which is just outside the gates of Zoo Atlanta. (It's also where I ended the second day of my breast cancer walk in October) We got there early around 2pm. We were instructed to look for orange balloons. We circled the park and didn't see one orange balloon. I started to get a little worried. Finally, we decided to get out and just start walking. We found MckMama in a photo shoot with a family of four, and they were just starting to blow up the balloons.

I'm so glad that we got there early because we had a few minutes to chat with her before everyone else got there. She is such a genuine person and very easy to talk to. And I can honestly say that I loved her just as much in person (even more so) as I do on her blog. I was disappointed not to see Prince Charming and her MSC anywhere. But we quickly found out that he had taken the kids around the zoo while she was doing photo shoots.

Not too much later, the rest of the MckFamily arrived. It was an honor and pleasure to meet each one of them. Prince Charming was extremely nice, and I have to say that their *MSC* (many small children) are absolutely, gorgeously beautiful and sweet! But you already knew that didn't you?! I am not the expert photographer, nor do I know how to use Photoshop to enhance pictures, but here are a few pictures that I took.

Small Fry with her Mama...



And enjoying a snack...



Big Mac willingly posed, while also eating a snack...



And enjoyed a game of peek-a-boo under his Mama's shirt...



Nuggey did NOT want his picture taken...




And the highlight of the day was Stellan...



Yes. You're seeing that photo right...

I HELD HIM!



He was not nearly as smitten with me as I was with him. The only thing he found interesting about me was my furry black jacket. In fact, when I hugged MckMama goodbye, he grabbed my sleeve and put it in his mouth (apparently he sleeps with a blanket of a similar texture). I cannot tell you what an honor and privilege it was to hold such a miracle in my arms. I didn't take it lightly, not for one second!

But for those of you who are new to my blog, you have to also understand what a huge step this was for me personally. I have only held one baby since I held Grady in the hospital. (You can read about it here) But the difference with Stellan is that he was born only two weeks before Grady. I always look at pictures of him and read what MckMama is writing about him, and I wonder if Grady would be that big or doing those same things? (Sara, I thought about you SO much yesterday!)

It was the first time that I've even thought about holding a baby so close in age to Grady. There was a lady holding Stellan (the blogger who gave MckMama the idea to name him Stellan in fact, which I know she will blog about!) and this overwhelming urge to have him in my arms came over me. She handed him to me and it made my heart SO happy! I really can't articulate it right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to...

It was a great time overall, despite the cold wet weather. I met some new blog friends, local ones at that! I even recognized a lady, and we discovered that she works at the church where we used to attend. I am so grateful to MckMama and Prince Charming for making the time to meet some of their blogging friends here in the south. Meeting their family was a wonderful experience and definitely one that I'll never forget!

Love,
Tonya

Peace. Not Understanding.

That's what I've felt since Grady's first birthday.

Peace.

I was talking to Alice, my mentor and prayer warrior, this morning and that's all I could describe. Things aren't great. Things aren't bad. But I feel like I've climbed over a huge hurdle. And now that I've made it through the first year without Grady, I feel like I'm going to be okay.

Let me clarify...there were days that I questioned if I would make it through. The heaviness and deep ache were too much at times. But deep down, I knew I was going to be okay. I knew God was big enough for my burden. He could carry my heartache. And I had to be okay for the rest of my family. In my mind, there was no other choice.

But, I'm at a place, honestly for the first time, where I have peace about Grady going to heaven so soon.

Peace. Not understanding.

There's a difference.

I'll never understand why God gave me this "cross" to bear along with the other losses in my life. I'll never understand why Grady couldn't stay here as part of our earthly family.

And I won't understand until I get to heaven myself.

But I have peace in God's plan and will for Grady's life. And I have peace in God's plan for my family's life without him here on earth. I'll never understand it, but I accept it.

And I'm at peace.

Just because I have that peace does not mean that I love him or miss him any less. It doesn't mean that I'm "magically" okay. Or completely healed. Or "over it". Because friends, I can tell you that will never happen. I'll never get "over it". I'm getting through it. But someone who loses a child never gets "over it" in my opinion.

Just because I have peace doesn't mean that I'll never cry for him again...because I will.

It doesn't mean that I won't miss and think about him every day of my life...because I will.

It doesn't mean that I won't miss him on holidays and special family events...because I will.

It doesn't mean that I won't hear a song and break into tears because it makes me think of him...because I will.

Peace.

Not understanding.

I feel like I'm one more step ahead in this grief journey. Moving forward in this process is a good thing...

Love,
Tonya

My girls are playing at a friend's house, so I thought I'd take this time to blog. However, I've sat down and don't really know what to blog about. So, I'll just ramble for a minute (or ten).

I'm in a rut. A dinner rut, that is. I feel like we eat the SAME things over and over again. I don't mind cooking. But I've gotten to where I don't like to go the grocery store without a menu for the week and a detailed list. Oh, and I MUST have my calculator, too! Since we took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course this summer, I hate surprises at check-out. I can have $100 to spend and only get five things, but I like to know how much those five things are going to cost before I get there. And I have pulled out my cell phone and used the calculator on it before, but it isn't nearly as easy to use as the regular one!

Back to the rut...when I try to think of a menu, I go blank. Tonight is our Tuesday pizza night. Thank goodness or I have no idea what we would have! But, PLEASE, if you have a favorite easy recipe to share, please leave it in the comment section or email me (email on left side bar). I am in desperate need of some new ideas. I usually cook a chicken in the crockpot once a week, so chicken recipes are very much welcomed, as are beef recipes, especially since I have a deep freezer full of that, too!

I took some pictures of my girls sleeping the other night, just because. Do you ever do that? I used to take pictures of them sleeping as babies quiet frequently, but for some reason, as they've gotten older, I don't do it as much. So, the other night, after Emma Grace had a hard night, I went to check on her and this is what I found.



The blue bear is called "Baby Grady Blue Bear". It was a bear that was given to Grady at one of my showers. Emma Grace slept with it before Grady was born and still sleeps with it now.

I decided that I should snap one of Jessica, too.



See the blue blanket? The week before Grady went to heaven, Jessica asked if she could sleep with something of her brother's too. I didn't have any more stuffed animals, so she chose this blanket. She, obviously, still sleeps with it, too.

They're growing SO fast!

I never check the girls out of school early, but I did today and will again on Thursday. As we were waiting at the dentist's office, Emma Grace got on her knees in front of the heater, clasped her hands in front of her and said, "I'm a praying mansion". Of course, I laughed first, then corrected her, "You mean a praying mantis".

On the way to our second appointment, Emma Grace breaks into the "B-I-B-L-E" song. She sings, "The B-I-B-L-E, yes that's the book for me, I stand along on the word I've got, the B-I-B-L-E". I hated to correct her because it was SO cute, but I did.

And one from a while back, driving home from shopping, I hear Jessica singing along with the radio, "Oh no, you never let go. Through the mall and through the store". It's supposed to be "through the calm and through the storm". It was hard to convince Jessica of this and took some explaining about realms of the "calm and storm" in our lives.

It's these little things that keep me going. Keep me smiling. And I just keep thanking God for His abundant blessings in my life!

Love,
Tonya

Wondering Thoughts

This past weekend was absolutely beautiful! I'm so thankful for the warm weather and beautiful sunshine. It hasn't felt like November, but it's supposed to end tomorrow.

Saturday was such a mix of emotion for me. But the beautiful weather definitely helped my spirits.

Saturday morning I awoke with a heavy heart. It was my last day with Grady in the hospital, and the day I said "goodbye for now". As the day wore on, I got more sad.

I left the hospital last year around 5:45-6pm. I went outside around 5pm to check on the girls, and it was a beautiful evening. I grabbed my Grady journal and a chair and perched myself in front of my house on my walkway. As the sun set and the tears fell, I wrote to my boy. About lots of things. One being how I wished we could have had his first birthday party that day...

You see, my c-section was originally scheduled for that day, November 14th. Had Grady lived here on earth, it would have been an absolutely perfect day for a first birthday party.

Emma Grace got up Saturday morning and came to stand with me at the back windows. As we were talking, I told her what a great day it would have been for Grady's first birthday party. I told her I was thinking he might have had a Thomas the Train party. Her little dimples shone as she smiled and said, "Yeah, 'cuz his middle name was Thomas!" Gib and I had to chuckle, and I couldn't' help but give her a big squeeze.

I've never planned a boy birthday party. It has always been princesses, fairies, Build-a-Bear or Dora. Jessica did have a Littlest Pet Shop party once, but other than that, it's always been "girlie-girl" parties here, including one High School Musical bash.

So, I thought about a boy party... Blue and red balloons on the mailbox instead of pink. A cake the shape of a train. Blue or red cups, plates, napkins, etc. Lots of presents filled with boy stuff...trains, cars, bulldozers, blocks, etc.

But all I could do was wonder...

And you know what?

I'm thankful for at least that.

Because if I had not grown Grady in my womb, never given birth to him or never entertained the thought of what a boy might enjoy, I would have missed out on the smiles that those thoughts have brought to my face. While missing out on those moments and milestones are sad, I've grown to love my "wondering thoughts" about my sweet boy.

When people have living children who die, they have memories to draw upon and "remember". But when a baby dies in utero, there are only memories of kicks, hiccups, sleep-wake cycles, jabs in ribs, etc. I have dreams that I'll never know would have been fulfilled or not. So these "wondering thoughts" are my memories that I hoped to make.

I expect that they will continue every year as his birthday and holidays roll around. However, I'm sure my "wondering thoughts" will change as he would have gotten older.

After church on Sunday, we got Subway and went to the Athens Botanical Gardens. It was beautiful. There weren't too many flowers in bloom, but the trees were gorgeous. I know my pictures won't do them justice, but enjoy!









Love,
Tonya

This Year - November 12, 2009, Remembering - November 12, 2008

I finally have the time (I think) to write about Baby Grady's first birthday. It was not how I pictured it when I was pregnant with him, that's for sure! But it was a peaceful day filled with lots of emotion.

And I felt the love of many throughout the day.

First of all, let me show you what accompanied my day of remembering and baking. Call it a shrine, or whatever you like. I don't really care. I lit Grady's special candle and it burned all day. (except for when I went to get Emma Grace from school) I went through four tealights! I put his urn, his picture and the two beautiful flower arrangements on the corner of the island. I loved having them nearby, so I could see them all day.



I made the decision not to talk to anyone on the phone yesterday. I decided only to talk to those I had to see in person. I didn't answer the phone, texts or emails.

So, if you called and left me a message, thank you! Thanks for not putting pressure on me to call you back. Thanks for just letting me know you were thinking of me, praying for me and remembering Baby Grady.

If you texted me, thank you for taking the time to do so!

If you emailed me, thank you for taking the time to write me!

If you sent cards in the mail or came by and put them in my box, thank you!

If you left gifts on my door or gave them to me in person, thank you!

If you sent me flowers, Sally, thank you!

If you simply thought of and prayed for me, thank you! I definitely felt your prayers.

You will never know how loved I felt. It was a really hard day emotionally. My 'tear switch' turned off and on many times, some stronger than others, especially last night.

It was an odd sort of day. I woke up very sad knowing what was ahead.

Remembering.

Remembering and reliving memories can be emotionally exhausting.

But I also woke up knowing that I had already lived through the worst of it. The worst was when I found out there was no heartbeat. The worst was seeing him so perfect but silent. The worst was handing him over to the funeral home, knowing I wouldn't see him again until heaven. And if I lived through that, and the intense grief and heartache that followed, I knew I would get through his first birthday.

And I did.

When Gib kissed me goodbye at 4:45am, I remembered how, one year ago at that time, I told him that he needed to pray for the baby because he hadn't moved. He sat down on the bed and prayed with me while I cried. This year, he simply left the room and headed to work.

Around 8am, I remembered that it was about the time, one year ago, that Gib came home from work because he knew something was wrong. This year, I was starting to make Grady's cake.

While the cakes were baking, I straightened the house. I picked up, cleaned off the island in the kitchen and vacuumed.

I was then overcome with sadness around 10am. It was that time, one year ago, that we learned there was no heartbeat. I will never forget the conversation..."Dr. [Joe], I don't see a heartbeat" Dr. Joe's reply, as the life sucked out of him, "I don't see a heartbeat either". This year, I sat down and wrote him an email, thanking him for the wonderful doctor he is and letting him know that the long hours, hard work and many sacrifices he makes have a huge impact on the lives of his patients.

Around 11:20, I remembered that, one year ago, as we were driving home from the hospital, my friend, Annette, texted me to ask if I wanted her to bring lunch to me after she left work. I simply replied, "Not today". She asked if everything was okay and I couldn't reply... This year, I was trying to level the six layers of Grady's cake.

One year ago, at 1pm, Gib went to check Jessica out of school and Emma Grace came home from Lunch Bunch. I remembered how hard it was to tell them. I remembered how Jessica was in shock and said, "You mean Baby Grady died? Inside of you?" And I remembered how heartbroken Emma Grace was, crying, "I didn't want Baby Grady to die". Oh, how I didn't want him to die either... But, this year, I was mixing my first batch of homemade butter cream frosting. First batch, first time EVER!

A little after 2pm, I remembered how, one year ago, we took the girls next door. I was late leaving for the hospital but I didn't care. Emma Grace was too upset for me to leave any sooner. I comforted her until she was calm enough for me to leave her. I didn't want to leave her, but I had to go do the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...

We had no cash for parking and needed gas, so we stopped by Kroger. Gib dropped me off to go buy him a bottled water and get cash back. He went to get gas. I walked out of Kroger, literally, in a daze. A state of shock. I was trying to absorb what was about to happen and what had already taken place. I remembered that as I started walking to the gas pumps, I saw my friend, Annette, who texted me earlier in the day. She stopped, very cheery...I was a zombie. She asked what was wrong, and all I could say was, "It's the worst that you could imagine". (Her) "What?" (Me) "He died." (Her) "Who?" (Me) "The baby." She jerked her van into park, got out and gave me a huge hug. Just then Gib pulled up to get me. I know that my small town heard the news within five minutes of me seeing her. The prayers started, and I sure needed them.

This year, at that time, I was sitting in the car pool line, bawling my eyes out, waiting for Emma Grace to get out of school. I was writing in my Baby Grady journal. Remembering. Pouring out my heart to him. And God.

This year, once we were home, I made my second batch of icing and started on the side of the cake. Emma Grace had a great time watching, and licking one of the beaters! One year ago, we had just gotten to the hospital and I was hearing about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) for the first time...

Gib came home from work early this year, too. He went to get Jessica from her service organization meeting at school while I had my friend next door, Nicole, come show me how to attach a coupler and tip to a frosting bag because I was getting VERY, VERY frustrated! She showed me that and also taught me how to make starbursts around the cake.

Jessica came home and made a few starbursts around the bottom of the cake. She had commented on how cool she thought the icing bags were, and I just had to let her help. The girls, together, made a rainbow out of Skittles on top of the cake. (I think the same amount that went on the cake also went into their mouths!)





I got brave and wrote his name and a heart.



Gib blew up some balloons and we wrote messages to Grady on them.






One year ago, from 3:20 - 5:30, I was doing admission paperwork and being "prepped" for my c-section. I made the decision with the anesthesiologist to have a spinal instead of an epidural. I also made the decision to remain awake for the procedure...it was the least I could do. My friend, Suzanne (from the NICU), approached me again about NILMDTS photos, which I thankfully agreed to, with the stipulation that they were to be of just him (HUGE REGRET!). Lori (my other friend from NICU) came in to visit me before heading to the OR, and so did Dr. Joe.

Promptly at 5:30, one year ago, I made the long, dreaded walk to the OR. It was the coldest room that I ever remember being in. I got my spinal and started having a VERY fast heart rate. I was nauseous and felt miserable. The surgery started. I remember just apologizing to Gib over and over. Hearing nothing but instruments clanking, machines beeping and sniffles, lots of sniffles.

Around 5:30, this year, my friend and mentor, Alice, brought dinner for our family. My friend and neighbor, Jenny, brought over a gift.



And she took this family picture before we released our balloons. It was a cool, crisp, sunny fall day this year, just as it was one year ago.




I remember during my c-section wanting so badly to know when Dr. Joe had the baby out. The nurse anesthetist told me she would let me know. At 6:14pm, one year ago, she gently put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Dr. [Joe] has the baby out." The silence was deafening. I didn't know it could be so. Suzanne asked if we wanted to see him then or wait until recovery. We agreed to wait until recovery.

This year, at 6:14pm, we acknowledged his birth at the dinner table. I lost my appetite and suddenly became EXTREMELY sad. I remembered the hope I had that the ultrasound was wrong. That the stillness inside of me was a mistake... Shortly after, we put Grady's cake on the table with a bowl of Skittles.

We took turns putting a Skittle into the side of the cake while telling something we missed about Baby Grady or wished that we could have done with him, as a baby or as he would have gotten older. We didn't make it all the way around the cake which was okay. The girls were just ready to eat some. And I was anxious to see what the inside looked like!



We put one candle on the cake and sang "Happy Birthday" to him. The girls stood in their chairs and made a big production of it. I was so glad they did!




We blew out the candle together and cut the cake. It turned out beautifully!




My orange layer looked a little peach and my red wasn't as vibrant as I wanted, but I don't think it turned out too bad. Especially considering the extent of my cake baking until now was in a 9x13 glass dish with icing just on the top! It was so good to have something to do for him. I'll be honest...there were a few times that I wanted to stop and give up. But I didn't. I couldn't give up on the only thing that I could actually *do* for my baby, besides remember.

As we were finishing the cake around 7:30, I remembered, one year ago, that was about the time that I first laid my eyes on my angel on earth. I held him for the first time and asked him what happened...why he had to leave so soon? Gib left for home around 9pm. Suzanne was on-call for the NICU that night so she stayed with me until around 11pm. I asked if the midwife who delivered Jessica was there and she was...she came in for a short visit, too. I couldn't sleep. I stared at his bassinet all night. Wishing he wasn't so quiet...

This year, during that time, I read a bedtime story with Emma Grace and got her in bed. I then read one of the sweetest, kindest letters from my friend, Mary Beth. She wrote four pages of her perspective of what happened 'one year ago'. It was so interesting to read, and I cried at the heart of a true friend...the sadness and brokenness that she felt. And if she felt that, she could only imagine what I was feeling. Honestly, no one has EVER said or written anything so kind and touching to me before. Thank you, MB! I love you so much!

I had planned for us to watch Grady's NILMDTS dvd and read the book "Tear Soup" that my sweet blog friend, Sara, sent me. But the girls were tired and Jessica still had homework to finish and two tests to study for. I was disappointed at first but realized we had spent some beautiful time remembering and honoring him. We can watch the dvd and read the book any time. It's all about putting things into perspective...

I went to bed completely exhausted and emotionally spent. I wanted to spend time in his room, just me and him. But I just couldn't. I couldn't remember anymore. I was drained and simply needed to go to sleep. I grabbed his blue crochet blanket that I still sleep with and held it as close to me as I could.

His first birthday was a day of peace. A day of remembering. A day filled with love and tears. It was a day I'll never forget. Another day where God carried me through.

Thanks for remembering with me.

Love,
Tonya

One Year Ago - November 12, 2008

This beautiful baby boy was born on this day, one year ago, at 6:14pm.



His name is Grady Thomas. He weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long.

I'm sure his eyes were blue. He had a sweet little nose. A dimpled upper lip and chin. (I just know he would have had Emma Grace's dimples!) Chubby cheeks. Perfect ears. The most beautiful, perfect rosey-red lips. A head full of dark hair. Skin as soft as silk. Long fingers. Big feet. Cute toes.

Scrumptious from top to bottom. Head to toe.

I kissed him. I cuddled him. I held him. I stroked his soft hair. I played with his fingers. I looked at his toes.

The time was too short. But at least I have memories that will hopefully last me a lifetime.

They have to be enough...

So here's my boy again, on this his first birthday. I'm including some pictures that I've never shared before. Untouched. Unedited.










The red mark on his forehead was a pressure point and the bruise on his cheek was caused from pressure also.

He's still beautiful to me!

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY GRADY! I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH! HUGS AND KISSES TO HEAVEN! MOMMY

I'll post more tomorrow.

Love,
Tonya

One Year Ago - November 11, 2008

I really hope I haven't confused all of you with the dates and what I've written. This evening is when Grady went to heaven. Tomorrow, the 12th, is the day he was born. I'm not sure which is going to be harder to get through.

Today, one year ago, I woke up as normal and felt great. I did take Emma Grace to school again but came back home to rest. After I picked her up and we ate lunch, I wasn't feeling too well. I was just really tired. I checked my blood pressure several times throughout the day. It was fine. A couple of times it was even a little low. Not too low, but lower than normal.

At 2pm my doorbell rang and it was Nicole coming to help me finish Grady's nursery. To my surprise, her husband, Christian, was with her. I don't remember if he had taken the day off or come home early, but nevertheless he was here and was a great help. He vacuumed my house! I couldn't believe it! While Nicole and I were in Grady's room, he was fast at work.

I sat in the glider rocker and told Nicole where to put everything. She opened a pack of newborn diapers. She hung up his clothes, just the way I asked, with the hangers and clothes turned a certain way. She put his clothes that belonged in the drawers there, too. She packed the diaper bag and hung it on the door of his closet. Where it is still hanging, by the way...

As we were working, I commented on Grady's hiccups. He was alive, kicking and all seemed well. That was about 2:30 in the afternoon.

The bus came at 3pm. Jessica got herself a snack, did her homework and got on the computer. By this time it was around 4:30. I was sitting in the recliner talking to my friend, Amy Ellen. As we were talking, Grady gave me a HUGE kick. Not so huge that I was concerned, but it was big. I could feel the outline of his foot protruding on my stomach. I motioned for the girls to come feel. I'm so glad I did. They thought it was so cool, and so did I.

Little did I know that would be the last time we ever felt him.

I truly believe that's when he died. I often wonder if the big kick came from him being in distress or if the big kick caused his distress. Dr. Joe really believes that Grady layed (laid?) on his cord, compressing it and therefore cutting off his oxygen supply. Grady didn't fight or flutter. At least not that I felt. And I'm so thankful. Because as mommies of stillborn babies, we often wonder if our babies suffered inside of us. It's our job to protect them and when they die inside of us, we often feel like a failure. We couldn't even protect our babies where they're supposed to be safely growing. We're supposed to bring life into the world, not death.

I digress.

During my conversation with Amy Ellen, I clearly remember telling her that I was done..that I honestly never wanted to be pregnant again. Obviously that was before I knew Grady would go to heaven so soon.

Not long after that, around 5pm, Gib came home from work with another slew of food from his coworkers. I got off the phone to see what he had brought in. I started to feel a little nauseous and thought I just needed to eat. At the dinner table, Grady didn't move. Caution flag number one. He ALWAYS moved during dinner. I thought it odd, but wasn't too concerned.

After dinner I went to rest on the bed. On my side. In the quiet. No movement. Caution flag number two.

I knew better, but I got up to go do the dishes. I love my husband with all of my heart, but he doesn't do dishes. It's like pulling teeth. He hates it. I needed to do something because the lack of movement had me concerned at this point and I needed to try to get my mind off of it. I didn't work too hard, but I was determined that my kitchen would be presentable.

I was propped up on Jessica's bed that night around 8:45 helping her study for a Social Studies test the next day. I started poking on my tummy to see if I could get him to move. She asked what I was doing and I told her I hadn't felt him move in a while. She poked too and put her head to my belly and started talking. Nothing. Caution flag number three. I was worried by now but was telling myself I was just being paranoid, that he was fine.

I fell asleep with her that night in her bed and got up around 12am. After emptying my bladder, and praying while I was on the toilet that Grady was okay, I just knew that when I got in my bed I would feel movement. Waited. Waited. Turned to the other side. Waited. Waited.

Nothing.

My heart sank. I was nauseous with worry. My legs were weak, even though I was laying down. My stomach felt more flaccid or floppy. Not as toned as it was. This is where the first warning sign appeared. A big red one.

Gib had fallen asleep in Emma Grace's bed. I didn't go wake him up. Instead around 2am I got up to get my stethoscope. I had never tried that with Grady but I did with Jessica and I heard her heartbeat just fine. That's how they used to do it in the "old days" before dopplers. I found my heartbeat but not his. I knew in my gut that he was gone. But it's very hard to describe...even though I knew he was gone, I was still rationalizing with myself that he was okay.

Because I SO badly wanted him to be okay!

I told myself that even though I was measuring 38 weeks, I was only 36 weeks and 5 days. He probably wasn't as big as Jessica when I heard her. Maybe he was in a position where I couldn't pick up his heartbeat.

Heck, maybe he was in a position where I just wasn't feeling him move.

Wishful thinking.

So there I was. All night. Awake. Alone. Praying. Begging God to let Grady be okay.

I don't remember what time Gib came to bed but I didn't dare tell him. No need in both of us losing sleep. I lay there and contemplated calling Dr. Joe. But then I would have to wake someone up to come stay with the girls and disturb Dr. Joe (turned out he was at the hospital all night anyway). But I rationalized, and this does sound harsh, that if he was dead at 3am he would still be dead the next morning when I went into the office. And then I thought that maybe if I hurried to the hospital they could save him...

But I knew it was too late.

He had been still far too long...

I'll pick up here tomorrow.

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Today was just okay. I didn't cry all day but there was definitely a heaviness present. And it's still there. And the tears have come off and on all day.

First thing this morning, I was getting ready to back out of my garage to take the girls to school when I heard Jessica yell, "Whoa Mom. Miss Jenny!" Jenny is my friend and neighbor across the street. She is a faithful reader of my blog and the one who lit the candle and put it outside on October 15th for Grady. She pulled up my drive on her way to work to give me a hug and let me know she was thinking of me this week, especially today and tomorrow. That was a great way to start the day...thank you!

I tried to keep myself busy around the house. I made a list and went to Walmart to buy the things to make Grady's cake. I'm a bit nervous about that, I must admit!

This afternoon around 4:45pm, right around the time that I think Grady went to heaven, I retreated into his room and journaled in the rocker. It was a time of tears and love and reflection. I decided that we needed to release a balloon today. I still plan for us all to release one for him tomorrow, but we needed one for today, too. Unfortunately, by the time I decided to do this, it was already getting dark. The pictures of it flying away aren't very good, so I didn't post them.






When the balloon flew away, it floated in the direction of my "Baby Grady star". It's a star that I discovered a couple of nights after coming home from the hospital. It just recently reappeared in the same place that I discovered it this time last year. (I know it's probably always in the sky, but it's not always in this particular spot)

Then we went to the Mexican restaurant for dinner. I just couldn't sit at the dinner table tonight at home. I guess because that's where I first suspected a problem.

And I also got these beautiful flowers today from a dear friend, and Gib's best friend, Stephen, and his boys, Nick and Noah. They were a lovely surprise and brightened my day. Thanks boys!



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My Sweet Baby Grady,

How I wish we could turn back time and things could be different. I wish those things for myself because I'm selfish and I miss you with every breath I take. But I don't wish that for you. As much as I wish you could be here, as much as my arms ache to hold you, as lonely as it is without you, I wouldn't wish you back here. You are in the most magnificent place you could be and I can't wait to join you there some day! We would have done our best to give you a happy, loving, Godly home, but nothing compares to heaven. Surely there was a celebration there for you today! You've been there a whole year! It seems like an eternity to me. I love you and I miss you more than words can say!

Hugs and kisses to heaven,
Mommy