Easter 2010

Playing a bit of catch-up on my blog! This year we spent Easter with just our family of four. It was rather nice to be on our own time schedule and do whatever we wanted.

We started the day by finding out what was in the girls' Easter baskets.




Then headed to church.





My girls, especially Jessica, no longer like to dress up much. I don't fight the battle anymore. I choose outfits that look cute and that they can wear again. We go to a very casual church where you come as you are. It's not about the clothes you wear...it's about your heart. People do get all decked out on Easter. Maybe I have the wrong attitude, but we go to church on a regular basis. Easter is a very special celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. However, it's not an occasion that I will spend tons of money on to make an impression on others. I really don't believe God cares what you wear. Within reason that is...

Once home we boiled eggs and the girls had a blast dying them. This year I got them 18 eggs each. Emma Grace was a bit less patient in letting the colors soak in, but they all turned out beautifully.




I forgot to take pictures with their eggs earlier in the day, so these were taken at bedtime after showers. Poor Jess had poison ivy all over her face. :(




Gib headed out to hide the plastic eggs that we've collected over the years. I'll have to blog some day about how he threw them out once, and I made him dig through the trash to get them. (Sorry Gib, I'll never let you live that one down!) The girls had a great time hunting them but the day warmed up much more than I expected. It was rather warm out.







While they finished dying their eggs, I baked a strawberry cake. We made our first bunny cake. The recipe called for just a plain white cake, but I thought strawberry would be more exciting and yummy. I would love to make a resurrection cake one year, but the pictures I saw looked like more than I wanted to take on this year.

Start with two round cakes. Using a rounded edge, cut off the two sides of one to make the ears. What is left is the bow-tie for the bunny. Using the whole round cake as the bunny's head, assemble bunny with cut cake parts.




I did not make my own butter cream frosting like I did with Grady's first birthday rainbow cake. Instead I took the easy way out and bought two containers of Betty Crocker butter cream frosting and let the girls have at it. They pretty much frosted this cake all by themselves.






We used spice drop candies for the eyes and nose, red licorice for the mouth and Starburst jelly beans for the bow-tie. Gib had to help me with the mouth because I was getting extremely frustrated. At times he has the patience of Job. I'm so thankful for that in him!



Here's our finished product.




(Note the left side of the bunny's bow-tie...Emma Grace decided to do a pattern of red and purple jelly beans)

For Easter dinner, I was going to attempt leg of lamb. However, someone told me as I was on the way to the store that it has a "gamey" flavor to it. I re-evaluated my dinner selection and settled on a ham. Safe bet in my house. So for dinner we had ham, green beans, lima beans, corn and rolls. I completely forgot to cook the carrots. Oh well. There was plenty without them. And our bunny cake was delicious for dessert!

After dinner, it was my turn to hide the eggs again for the girls. It was much nicer to be outside because the weather had cooled off considerably. Again, they had a blast.




However, the most fun part of their day, reported by both of them at bedtime, was hiding the eggs for me and Daddy to find. I told Gib he couldn't run around to get his because I couldn't keep up with him being pregnant. He was a good sport, but I had two little helpers named Jessica and Emma Grace who kept telling me where to look. Emma Grace even went as far as to pick some of them up and bring them to my basket. I ended up with more eggs than Gib, but it wasn't a fair-and-square distribution. It was 3-1 egg hunting. It was tons of fun watching their faces light up and hearing their squeals as they cheered us on.




I have to say that the day was absolutely wonderful, and I spent it with my three most favorite people in the world. However, I can't end this post without telling you how very much I missed Grady on Easter this year. I always thought the "first" of everything was the hardest. But I can honestly say that wasn't the case with Easter. This year was harder than last. This year he would have been walking. I couldn't help but picture him with a basket, probably bigger than his head, toddling and trying to run to find eggs. Trying his best to keep up with his big sisters. Or maybe he would have gotten one and just sat down to inspect and explore it, not caring how many more there were to be found.

I remember the chaplain from the hospital telling me that moments you aren't prepared for can often hit you the hardest. (This was after I broke down into sobs at midnight on New Year's Eve the year Grady died) I was definitely caught off guard by the depth of my sadness over Grady this year at Easter. I still enjoyed a beautiful day with my girls and hubby. I cherish the time we spent together as a family. But I missed my baby boy more and felt more sadness over him not being here than I have in a while. I miss him every day...but you know what I mean...

And as I was loading pictures, I forgot a major jam session during the day consisting of some very loud music, dancing and pretend guitar playing. Jessica seriously cracks me up!








Hope you enjoyed the pictures. They tell the story of a great, fun day of making memories together! That's what it's all about to us.

Love,
Tonya

Dumplin'

Finally, some long-awaited details on Dumplin'! Along with a picture and why I didn't announce our news sooner...

Once we made the decision to try again on September 13, 2009, I had to have some blood work done. I drug my feet because I knew we shouldn't try until November. Dr. Joe had told us to wait a year from my c-section. I got the blood work done in early October during my girls' Fall Break. Dr. Joe tested me for all sorts of things, including clotting disorders. All of my labs were normal so we got the green light to start trying.

I prayed that I would get pregnant quickly. I know myself very well, and if it had taken me a long time to conceive, I would have constantly second-guessed our decision...even though I felt that it came straight from the Lord. On the second month of trying, I had a positive pregnancy test.

I was honestly shocked.

I found out I was pregnant with Dumplin' on Sunday, December 20th. This was just two days before I came down with the monster H1N1 flu that knocked me off my feet right through Christmas. I didn't go to the doctor because I couldn't take Tamiflu. I took the bare minimum OTC meds (approved by my doc) just to help me feel like I might live. My fever was high, and I was scared silly that this baby wouldn't make it through such fever and sickness. Gib was worried, too. There was lots of prayin' going on while I was on that sick bed!

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks on January 6th and was completely overwhelmed emotionally. I was going to have my HCG levels checked, and they told me that if they weren't busy they would sneak a peek at the baby. However, when I walked into the office, they were so busy that I sat on the floor because there were no seats. I resided myself to the fact there would be no ultrasound that day. Fun thing was that I saw a blogger that I met at the Atlanta MckMama gathering, so we had a little time to chat...you know who you are! :)

After Nanci (Dr. Joe's nurse) drew my blood, I was walking out the door and she went the opposite direction toward the ultrasound room. UH-OH. I wasn't prepared to go in there again. It was the same room where I learned Grady no longer had a heartbeat. I hadn't been back in that room since that horrible, life-changing day. Nanci hugged me and talked me through my anxiety...

As I sat and waited, I cried. And cried. And cried. And I so badly wished I wasn't there alone. I relived every moment of that November 12th morning. I was so scared I would get more bad news that there was no heartbeat with this one, too.

When Dr. Joe did the ultrasound, it was VERY hard for me to see a heartbeat. With Grady, I saw a tiny circle with a heartbeat. This one literally looked like a line or pole. I strained hard to see the heartbeat. Dr. Joe insisted things looked good and I trusted him. After all, this is his area of expertise. But I wasn't 100% sure.

I have had an ultrasound every two weeks since. Dr. Joe always checks my cervix with vaginal ultrasound because of my history of prematurity, and yesterday was the first time he didn't peek at the baby. I was fine with that because he didn't look at Grady every time either. I'm feeling much more consistent movement which is unbelievably reassuring. I was actually convinced for a few days that this baby had died...

I felt Dumplin' move for the first time on Monday, March 15th. This is super early to feel movement as I was only 15 weeks and 5 days. It was BIG movement, too. I was lying in bed that morning and felt the baby on the outside of my abdomen. It was such a bittersweet moment. I was overjoyed to actually feel this new life inside of me. But the last time I felt movement was with Grady...

I was very teary when I went to wake the girls for school. Jessica was still asleep when I told her I felt Dumplin' move for the first time, so she didn't say anything. But little Emma Grace, in her sleepy slumber, said "Mommy, that means he's not dead".

More tears..."Yes, baby, you're right".

I felt tiny flutters when I was still and had an appointment two days later. Everything was fine. However, after my appointment and for the next 3-4 days, I felt absolutely NOTHING. I tried to trust and not be scared. But I was. I didn't call Dr. Joe. I waited it out. I was convinced this baby had died too. I think it was on the following Saturday that I felt another tiny flutter. This put my mind a bit more at ease but not completely.

Things are going well. I'm just HUGE! I am a little over 20 weeks along and yesterday I measured 28cm! For those of you who might not know, you should measure the same number of cm as you are weeks (20weeks=20cm). A little variation is normal, but 8 weeks is a lot to be off. This same thing happened with Grady, although with him I measured 26cm at 20 weeks. I'm a bit bigger this time. I didn't measure this way with the girls, so I'm a bit puzzled as to why I'm this way with my boys. Dr. Joe will watch me closely. With Grady my fluid levels were always normal and his growth was on track. He was a little bigger than average but not too terribly much. I expect the same for this one, too.

Finally, here's a picture of our little Dumplin'. He's waving to all of you!



This was actually taken at 12 weeks and 5 days at my first high-risk appointment. I have some recent pics but they aren't nearly as good or clear as this one.

This post is already much longer than I intended. I'll post about why I waited to share another time.

Thanks for your kind words, cards, phone calls, emails, and most of all your prayers. This is an exciting time, but not an easy time. And it's not blissful excitement. It's guarded excitement. This is not a replacement baby for our Grady. He will always be our third child. And while we are able to find joy in our lives, the love we have for him and the hole he has left in our hearts will forever be with us all.

Love,
Tonya

*MORE* Fun Pictures!

So, I challenged myself to add more pictures. And when I did, I forgot that Emma Grace had her seven year old check-up this afternoon. But I have a little time while dinner is finishing...here are a few more pictures for your (and our) viewing pleasure.

Jessica, my tall softball player who is catching and enjoying it.




Emma Grace, who for some reason likes to get in Buddy's crate with him.



And taken just a little bit ago, Emma Grace, "cool rider", with a huge Blow Pop in her mouth.






*ORIGINAL POST*

I have to work, so I don't have time for a real post this morning. Here is a hodge-podge of some pictures taken recently in no particular order. Hope you enjoy!

These girls are so creative with their imaginations. They made this "mailbox" yesterday from a log (which Jessica carried from the back to the front - we're not sure why she didn't just roll it!), tape and flowers. They will write letters to each other and put them here. Yes, the sun was very much in their eyes! Too fun!




A girl and her dog.



Spring break fun with Daddy home, jammin' to some Band Hero.



Buddy and a few of his "treasures".






Sidewalk chalk drawings of our family. I took pictures of each member, but they didn't all turn the right way when I loaded them, and I don't have time to mess wtih it right now. However, the girls with the Baby Grady angel turned out good.




That's all I have time for this morning. Maybe more later?! The challenge is on...

Have a great day!

Love,
Tonya

I Miss Her

I think this is going to become my new best time to blog. E.A.R.L.Y. in the mornings. But what am I talking about? I haven't made any specific time lately my time to blog! But, I'm trying hard. Really. I am.

You know that Gib wakes up in, what I consider, the middle of the night to go to work. I've not been able to go back to sleep after he leaves between 4:30 and 5:00. And I can no longer just rest comfortably in bed until it's time to get up. I have a terrible pain in the side of my right leg that is worse than any sciatica I've ever had. I'm seeing a chiropractor, but it's not helping. Yet. The only thing I can do is get up, and it eventually eases but never completely goes away.

So, here I am. Bright and early in the blog world!

Gib scanned a picture of Dumplin' for me yesterday, and again, I PROMISE I'm going to write more about him and my pregnancy thus far. However, today has a more "heavy" hold on me...

Today, my mom has been in heaven for three years. On one hand it seems like yesterday. But mainly it seems like an eternity since she left this earth. And I miss her terribly...

I don't have to "think" about what the day is. I just "know". Last night, I woke up from falling asleep with Jessica. It was 11:35pm. I remember so clearly that, at that time, her breathing was becoming more shallow. Her breaths much farther apart. Her groaning louder. And I felt so helpless. All I could do was sit and hold her hand. And I was so glad that I could be there to do that. As hard as it was, I would have chosen to be no where other than her bedside. In fact, I hardly left her side that night. I knew it would be her last, and I wanted to be there as she took her last breath. My mom, though a Christian, was very superstitious. I do believe she heard us talking in her room and knew that it was a Friday the 13th. I don't think she wanted to die on that particular day. She fought it hard, and she took her last breath at 12:13am on April 14th.

She had been admitted to the hospital the early to middle part of March with pneumonia. She had a mild heart attack during her stay. I went to bathe her one day, and I remember her asking me when Dr. L (her oncologist) was coming to see her. I told her that he wasn't going to and she was extremely puzzled. There was nothing else he could do. Her lung cancer had progressed rapidly and her body couldn't tolerate more chemo. I wanted SO badly to tell her the end was near, but my stepfather and brother asked me not to. They felt that if she knew, she would just give up right away. I respected their wishes. And she might not have fought as hard as she did. But I do wish she had known. There were conversations that I would have loved have with her...things that only we could talk about if she was aware that her time was short.

I remember bringing her home from that hospital stay. We had a hospital bed delivered to her room to make getting up easier, oxygen was set up in the next room with a very long cord to reach her. The hospice nurse met us there to do the admission paperwork. I was helping her get off the potty and as she stood, she hugged me, crying, and said, "I never thought I'd get this bad". It truly broke my heart. I told her we were all there to help her and we would get her through. Having said all of that, I think she knew her time was limited but not so short. She told me several times she believed she still had six months to live. She really only had about 4 weeks. She died just 12 days before her 70th birthday for which she had planned a BIG party at my house! It just wasn't meant to be.

Those weeks at home were tough. My stepdad left for work early in the morning and she was alone until I could get to her. I would get Jessica to school, rush home to do laundry or a little housework, get Emma Grace to school and head to her house. I would leave to get Emma Grace and go right back. My sweet friend next door, Nicole, would get Jessica off the bus, and I would stay until my stepdad got home. As much as Jessica loved being next door, there was one night that Jessica broke down and told me she wanted me to get her off the bus. I did my best, but it didn't always work that way. I was in survival mode. Literally.

The last week of her life she rapidly declined. On the Tuesday morning before her death, my stepdad called and said she was in a lot of pain. Hospice sent a crisis nurse to her home which was a huge blessing. They started her on oral Morphine that day and she rested much easier. My mom told me to bring the girls over after school that day because she wanted to see them. I promised that I would. When Jessica got home, she pitched a fit to play with Sidney next door instead of going to see Granny. I guess it was the stress and sadness that I was feeling, but I grabbed her by the arms and very firmly said, "Your Granny isn't going to be here much longer! You can play with Sidney any time. Granny specifically asked to see you today and we're going whether you like it or not!". She got over her "fit" and off we went.

The girls climbed up on the bed with mom. She loved on them and they on her. It was such a special time. It was the last time, too.

That very same night, I had to teach a childbirth class, and it didn't end until 10pm. It was about an hour away from home, but my brother was still at my mom's house, so I decided to go on over. It was about 11:15 when I got there and she was groggy from the morphine. But she was still talking. When it was time to go, we said our "I love you's".

Sometime during the night, we believe she had a stroke. She was unconscious from then on. I remember not knowing this the next day when I took Emma Grace with me to visit. I was shocked and devastated. As we sat on the other bed in her room, Emma Grace, who had just turned four, asked me why Granny wouldn't wake up. I had no choice but to tell her that Granny had gotten more sick and would go be with Jesus soon. She was in my lap, turned her little head and with the most serious expression said, "No mommy, Granny needs to stay here with us!"

Heartbreaking.

Emma Grace still talks about her Granny to this day. Especially about Granny and Grady being together. I think it makes her feel better that Grady has her with him. The first thing she said when we told them Grady had died was, "Mommy, Grady can be Granny's baby in heaven". Yes, he is.

Gib took a couple of days off of work when mom got worse. It was such a blessing that I didn't have to worry about taking care of them and mom at the same time. I had not been home, so when they found me in my bed the next morning, the girls knew she had lost her battle. They came in to talk to me and it was so hard to explain death to them. Emma Grace asked me if Granny flew to heaven. It is a hard thing to describe the separation of your soul and your physical body. It comforted them to know that Granny was healthy and well in heaven. Jessica said, "You mean she can run if she wants to?" Yep, she can!

As you can tell, my heart is heavy and sad today. My mom wasn't the easiest person to get along with. She often brought me down in our conversations, and I'm so sad to admit that because of this, I stopped calling her every day like I once did. But, oh, to have the privilege to call her again and hear her voice would be amazing! Even if she was depressing and critical at times. So, if your Momma is still here with you, please call her today. Even if you don't want to. Because I promise that when you can't, you'll wish you could...

"I love you Momma! And I miss you more than words can say! T"

--------------------

I wrote this post one year ago. So, amidst my sadness today, I'm going to write ten things I'm thankful for...

1. I'm thankful that the dentist's office called me with a cancellation to get my teeth cleaned this morning...and that it is Wednesday and my dentist of choice is in the office today.

2. I'm thankful for the beautiful weather we've had lately, although I could certainly do without all the pollen!

3. I'm thankful that I was able to change my doctor's appointment from today to Friday because I also have a bereavement meeting that day. Saves me gas, time and money!

4. I'm thankful that most people who have heard that I'm pregnant again have been sweet and positive and that I've only had a couple of negative responses.

5. I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to have lunch with my girls at their schools today.

6. I'm thankful for my husband who works so hard to provide for our family and takes such great care of me and our girls.

7. I'm thankful for Jessica and Emma Grace. For the joy and love they bring to me each and every day. For the opportunity to be their mom and try to show them the unconditional love I have for them in my heart.

8. I'm thankful to be pregnant again and for the hope that this new little life brings.

9. I'm thankful for Grady and his short life. For the things that his life and death have taught me. For the ways that I've been able to help others because of his life in me.

10. And most of all, I'm thankful for the God in whom I believe. For His faithfulness, truth, promises and sovereignty even when I feel that things are out of control. For without Him, I honestly and truly don't know where I would be today.

If you've endured this very long post, thank you! God bless!

Love,
Tonya

NOT ME! MONDAY

I seriously have four different posts brewing in this here noggin' of mine. But instead of going deep and sharing pics and details of Dumplin', Spring Break and Easter, I decided a few minutes ago that I would jump into a "Not Me Monday" post. Hop over to MckMama's blog , or click the button above, if you want details of how you can participate, too. (I'm not sure she will have a link-up today since she's on vacation, but I'm doing one anyway!)

~~~I did NOT announce to my sweet blog readers that I'm pregnant again, and since then a week has passed by with no other posts on the subject. Nope! I'm definitely more considerate than that!

~~~I did NOT back into my husband's car for the second time last week while he was home for Spring Break. I did NOT tell him good-bye and proceed to mesh the colors of our bumpers. I did NOT slam on my brakes, put my hands on my head and shout, "Oh no, I did it again". And I most certainly did NOT do it with both of my children in the car along with our sweet friend from next door. NOT ME!

~~~I also did NOT have lunch at my favorite mexican restaurant with a friend of mine last week and was so busy running my mouth that I forgot to get Emma Grace from school. I did NOT call my husband in a panic since he was home with the pick-up card for carpool and tell him to go get her right away. His response to my call was NOT "Oh crap!" We are much more responsible parents than that! Thanks to her Daddy, she was picked up on time and never knew that we almost forgot her...WHEW!

~~~I did NOT have breakfast with one of my "besties" Saturday morning on her last day in town. I most certainly did NOT eat every bite of my Momma's French Toast Breakfast at Cracker Barrel along with my side order of grits. NOT ME! I'm healthier than that you know...

~~~I did NOT do the ugly cry in church yesterday in response to the conclusion of our sermon. I did NOT sniffle and snort and try to keep myself from hyperventilating until we were dismissed. I did NOT spend the rest of the day lamenting over it, and I definitely did NOT consider staying home from small group last night because of the topic we were discussing. I'm much stronger than that.

~~~I did NOT witness my husband dump Jessica head first into a huge cardboard box filled with 70% off stuffed Easter animals last night at Kroger. I did NOT stand there and laugh with them while I watched Jessica struggle to get herself out. NOPE! I would reprimand them and give Jessica a helping hand for sure!

~~~I did NOT consider cutting the feet out of a pair of tights to make them footless for Jessica to wear under a skirt to a dance at her school Friday night. I would definitely plan ahead and buy her proper footless tights. However, she spared me the difficult decision when she tried on the tights because the crotch didn't go much past her knees. Thankfully she decided to wear jeans.

I guess that's about all that I've NOT been up to! I promise to post more about Dumplin' soon!

What is a Chicken & Dumpling?

Have you ever heard of chicken & dumplings? It was one of my favorite dishes that my grandmother used to make. Basically, there are pieces of cooked, pulled chicken in homemade chicken stock. The dumplings are little squares of a flour mixture cooked in the stock. They're very tasty, but if you're not careful, they can be terribly bland without the right amount of salt and pepper. I've yet to have them as good as my grandmother made!

But today, I'd like to introduce you to a different kind of chicken & dumpling.

I'm the chicken.



This is the dumpling.



Together we make a "chicken & dumpling".



We are expecting our fourth child, affectionately nicknamed "Dumpling" by big sister Jessica. We refer to baby with more of a southern twang...Dumplin'.

I'm 18 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy. And, today, Jessica and Emma Grace went with Gib and I to find out that Baby Dumplin' is a boy.

I'm the chicken because I'm scared and anxious about this pregnancy and baby. However, I'm extremely hopeful and prayerful that everything is going to be fine.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart". Proverbs 3:5

This is ALL in God's hands.

More to come about this baby and why I've waited so long to announce it here. Also to come are details and pictures of our Spring Break and Easter.

Love,
Tonya