Wish You Were Here

Where were you at 6am this morning? Probably sleeping!

Where was I? Right here...



I got up early to try to accomplish something very special. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped. It definitely isn’t professional. But here it is...





It was only fitting that I write his name in the sand this morning. He would be 8 months old today. I won’t lie. This trip has been GREAT so far, but it has also been hard emotionally for me. This is another first for me without Grady. This would have been his first vacation and first trip to the beach. We decided to come to the beach this summer when I was pregnant with him. We love to go to Disney, but I’ve seen too many people with small babies there in the summer and everyone looks pretty miserable. Even though he isn't here, we decided we still needed a relaxing vacation and kept our beach plans.

My heart was very heavy yesterday. Our van was packed with luggage, beach toys, laundry baskets and coolers filled with groceries for the week. I was sad because, to look at our van, there was no room for another person. Even Emma Grace commented on the way down about where Baby Grady would sit. I assured her that if he was here, we would have taken less stuff and there would have been plenty of room for him, too!

Jessica wanted to eat dinner on our balcony last night. We are right on the ocean, 9th floor, Gulf-front. I happily obliged. When we sat down for our "gourmet" dinner of hot dogs, mac-n-cheese and corn, Jessica said, “Look, a rainbow!” I turned to look over my shoulder and sure enough, there was a rainbow. I hurried inside to get the camera, trying not to hurt myself in the process. It was half of a rainbow, but it was beautiful just the same.



I felt such peace when I saw it. I love the symbolism of rainbows, of God’s promises and truths. It reminded me that Grady is in the best place he could be. A place far better and more beautiful than where we are right now. (And it's pretty nice here!) I may hurt, but Grady does not, and never will. It reminded me that there is so much more to come. So much more to look forward to. That one day, all things will be perfect, just like that rainbow over the ocean. (Even if it was just half a rainbow!)

We have had a great first day here in PCB. We actually spent the entire day on the beach and not at the pool. I couldn’t believe it! The last time we came to the beach, neither of my girls would do anything but stick their feet in the water. Today, we couldn’t get them out! Jessica willingly went out, but Emma Grace went kicking and screaming, holding onto her Daddy’s neck for dear life.

The look on her face tells it all...



But it didn’t take long until she was asking me for her floaties so she could swim around more. I was a bit of a nervous wreck, but they had a great time. Somehow, they even got me in the water, past my knees! I can’t tell you the last time that happened. I love to walk on the beach but don’t so much love to be in the ocean.

Gib has taken the girls for an evening walk on the beach. We have all showered, and I honestly don’t feel like getting sandy again. I told Gib he was on clean-up duty when he got back. That was okay with him.

I think he’s having a pretty good time, too. What do you think?



You probably won’t hear much from me this week. I can blog at home, but the beach only comes once a year, if we’re lucky!

Before I go...

Dear Baby Grady,
Happy 8 month birthday baby boy! We love you so much, miss you so much and wish you were here! I couldn’t help but think about you today, especially when I saw a baby boy under an umbrella in his bumbo seat. I wondered if I would have thought to bring yours and do the same. My heart leaped and sank when I read MckMama’s post today about Stellan being 8 months old and what a joy he is to her. My heart sank at what I know I’m missing out on. My heart leaped because I know you would be just as much of a joy to me. I think you might have even had dimples like Emma Grace, and I do love to eat those up! I know I would eat you up, too! I am so privileged to be your mommy, even if it has to be from as far away as heaven. You are always close to me as the love in my heart for you grows more for you each day. I asked God this morning to tell you happy birthday and how much I love you. I hope He did. Sending a big hug and kiss to you tonight, my precious angel!
Love always,
Mommy

I leave you with a picture Gib took on their walk...



“Talk” to y’all soon!

Love,
Tonya

To Have or Not To Have?

Yes, I'm up early this morning. Much earlier than I would like.

Have I told you that I'm NOT a morning person?

Well, I'm not!

But here I am with my coffee and a quiet house for now. I didn't sleep well last night. It was probably the two diet cokes that I drank at Bunco on top of the fact that it rained so hard on me coming home that I almost had to pull over on the highway. That tensed me up and didn't help the crick I already have in my neck. Why do I always get hurt somehow right before vacation?!

I didn't go to sleep until after 1:30am, woke up at 3:15 to check on the girls (yes, I still do that! I think I always will as long as they're living here!), woke up again at 4:45 and couldn't go back to sleep. Then at 5:15 Jessica was calling me because she had a bad dream. I tossed and turned, but I couldn't go back to sleep.

So, an early start it is, to this very busy day!

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Thank you for your comments and suggestions for things to talk to Dr. Joe about AND book recommendations for my trip. I went to the library yesterday and got "Can You Keep a Secret?" by Sophie Kinsella (they only had two and the other one was "Shopaholic & Baby" - I didn't really want to read about a baby the entire book, so I went with the other one), "Summer Blowout" by Claire Cook, and the librarian recommended "Little Bitty Lies" by Mary Kay Andrews. Three good-sized books ought to keep me reading for a while. And I can promise you it won't be in the car! But don't worry, I most certainly will NOT have my nose in a book the whole time, and I most certainly WILL spend lots of fun time with my family, too! Why can't I have the best of both worlds? Yeah, me neither, that's why I'm gonna try!

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So, I guess you'd like to know what Dr. Joe told me the other day... Well, I'll tell you. He did not tell me not to have more children. I was glad and then not glad. I know that sounds strange, but here's why...

If he had told me not to have any more children, I would have been very sad, but the door would have been closed. The answer would have been clear. I could make peace with it and move forward (not that easily I'm sure, but you know what I mean!).

But that didn't happen, and now, it is more complicated. I have to decide, at this crossroad in my life, am I going to risk it again and try for a healthy, living baby, or am I going to move forward, find my niche in nursing again (something dealing with perinatal loss, I'm sure) and pursue my career that I worked so hard for? Gib and I have to talk and pray about what God's will is in all of this. What is best for our family? Taking into consideration so many things that I can't even begin to list.

Dr. Joe did tell me that he would like to do a thrombophylia work-up on me to check for clotting disorders before I conceive again, if we choose to do so. He said he really doesn't feel that I have one, considering the way the placenta and cord looked, considering Grady's size for his gestation and my history of no previous problems.

He still believes that Grady was some sort of cord accident. He feels that Grady's death was sudden and quick based on the way my amniotic fluid looked (it wasn't very meconium-stained). I don't know if I've shared this on here before, because there was nothing conclusive and no obvious cord accident - no knot, it wasn't wrapped around his neck. But, based on what he saw when he did my c-section, his thinking is that the cord slipped into the bottom portion of my uterus, which is more narrow than normal, and Grady's head compressed it. We will never know for certain since we didn't do an autopsy. But I'm truly okay with that. Having a cause of death doesn't make me miss him any less and it can't and won't bring him back...

Dr. Joe also said that, IF we try again, starting at 32 weeks, he will do a non-stress test and biophysical profile on baby every week or every 3-4 days. He said depending on how those look, he would like to wait as long as possible to deliver, but would consider taking the baby as early as 34 weeks, and probably not wait longer than 36 weeks. Am I okay with that? Yes. Dr. Joe and I both wonder if Grady would be here if we had scheduled my c-section for 36 weeks instead of 37 weeks...only God knows the answer to that. But there was no reason to think we should have taken Grady any earlier...

So, just like Dr. Joe said as I was leaving, we have a lot of praying, talking and soul-searching to do. I will keep you posted as we make decisions/progress in either direction. Please pray with us that the answer will be clear...

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Before I go, I must tell you what a surprise, and special gift, I received yesterday. There is a friend of mine from high school, named Jennifer (she goes by Jenn) that I had lost touch with. We were such good friends and I have such great memories with her! The last time I saw her was 10 years ago when Jessica was a baby. She moved to Florida, lived on a boat (and still might - I'm not sure - how fun is that?!) and we simply lost touch.

I'm not on facebook, (the blog world takes way too much of my time as it is!) but several of our other mutual friends are. One of my other friends shared my blog with Jenn, and I got a sweet, sweet email from her yesterday. My heart leaped when I saw her name in my inbox! I cried because I've missed her so much! Bless her heart, she said she read ALL of my posts, which I know took her a while! It warmed my heart to hear from her, and I'm SO excited that she's coming to Atlanta to visit her parents in August with her baby boy. I'm looking SO forward to seeing her again. Jenn, thanks for being in touch with me. You don't know how I've missed you and how much I'm looking forward to seeing you! Love you!

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Well, I think that's enough for now. Gib is up, but the girls are still asleep. I think I'm going to take the rest of my coffee out back to watch for deer and make my to-do list for the day.

This picture was taken in May of a buck in our backyard. We have seen many deer since we have lived here, but never a buck! He has been visiting again lately.



Have a great one!

Love,
Tonya

A Day To Remember...A Love Forever

Happy Anniversary Gib!!!

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary! There are so many directions I could take with this post...tell about the whole wedding day, remember the great time we had on our honeymoon, share my favorite anniversary memory, etc. But, instead, I've decided to briefly tell you about the wedding and why I'm so blessed to have this man as my husband.

We have only been married 14 years, but in September, we will have been together for 20 years. That's a LONG time! You can read here about how we met and his proposal Christmas Eve on the 50-yard line of our high school's football field. Awwwww, how sweet! Yes indeed!

We were very young when we married. Very young and very broke! I was 22; Gib was 23. He had graduated from his undergraduate studies and was about to embark on graduate school. I was still in nursing school. So, our wedding was very simple.

We had our rehearsal dinner at The Magnolia Tea Room in Stone Mountain, GA. (As I'm typing this, I'm wondering if it is even still there?!) The wedding was at 2pm in the church where Gib attended growing up. Our reception was held in the fellowship hall at the church. It was very simple with a piano player and delicious food catered by a friend's mom from high school.

Two things stand out about the wedding (in addition to the sweet kiss I got when pronounced husband and wife!)...

A couple of weeks before the wedding I was helping my mom unpack boxes from a recent move. I found a tape that said "The Rose". We listened to it, and it was my dad singing the song "The Rose" by Bette Midler. (He had a band for years and was the lead singer and lead guitar player) My dad died when I was 13, and I was very sad that he wasn't here to walk me down the aisle. When I heard the tape, I immediately knew that I wanted it played at the wedding. It was a special way to incorporate him into that special day of my life. We played it right after they chimed the hour. It was first in the ceremony, and there wasn't a dry eye in the church. It was beautiful!

I didn't know he was going to do this, but the pastor took these lyrics from the song and weaved them into the ceremony.

Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose
(Taken from "The Rose" by Bette Midler, www.lyrics.com)

He compared "the seed" to me and Gib, and our love for each other. He went on to say that "With the Son's love" (clarifying that he was talking about Jesus' love for us, guiding us and our marriage) we could, together, become a beautiful rose (holding up a red rose). I remember that it was a beautiful analogy, and one that I would certainly never forget!

When the reception was over, we climbed into the limo that my brother rented to take us to the Chateau Elan Winery and Inn for our wedding night. The limo was awesome and the food they packed for us was delicious, but there was one problem...nothing to drink! So, the limo driver stopped at a local gas station and got us something to drink. Too funny!

The next day we headed to Amelia Island for a week-long honeymoon. We stayed at the Ritz-Carlton where we were upgraded to a suite for no extra charge. SWEET! We had a great, relaxing time hanging out at the pool, the beach and doing a little historical sight-seeing.

Dear Gib,

Happy Anniversary! We've been through a lot in our 14 years of marriage, some good, some not so good, but there's no one else that I would want to journey with other than you. You are quiet...a man of few words. Quite the opposite of me! But I think we balance each other pretty well, don't you? You are an upstanding man of integrity and character who loves the Lord and his family. That, in and of itself, is enough. But you don't stop there. You are my rock, strength, support and voice of truth and reason when my thoughts are jaded. You are a wonderful daddy to our beautiful girls. I love the way you play with them, tickling them, wrestling with them, and always looking for ways to make memories with them. They are blessed to have you as the "man in their life" for now. You are setting the standard high for them in choosing a husband. I only wish Grady had been able to stay here and know you like they do.

Thanks for being the man in my life. Thanks for being you. And...

Thanks for asking!

I love you!

T

Here we are at the rehearsal dinner...



A wedding picture...



Thanks for "walking" with me today!

Love,
Tonya

Suggestions Please...

So...I've made a list of questions and things to talk to Dr. Joe about tomorrow. I'm just wondering if any of you, who have been in my shoes, have suggestions for me to ask. All of our brains put together are certainly much better than my one! Remember, we didn't do an autopsy on Grady, but all blood work came back normal, 5 ultrasounds (3 of those high-risk) showed a perfectly healthy, big-for-his-gestation baby. There was no obvious cord accident upon delivery, and the cord and placenta came back normal from pathology. I now have two classical incisions on my uterus, one from him and one from Emma Grace. That is a big concern I have about the risk of uterine rupture. Let me know your thoughts/suggestions, PLEASE!

The other two aren't as heavy, thank goodness!

First of all, do you have any funny, light-hearted, good books to suggest for me to read at the beach? I have read my share of books on stillbirth and grief. I am ready for something different...something that will make me laugh out loud! If you don't have anything that is that funny, then just a good read, with not much tragedy or heartache, and preferably fiction.

We are heading to Panama City Beach, FL. It has been years since we've been. Any good restaurants you can recommend? We will mostly be eating in our condo but plan to go out to dinner twice and for lunch once. I'm hoping when I get down there I can look around for some "kids eat free" nights. Let me know if you have any favorites there!

Feel free to leave me a comment or send me an email - my email address is on my left side bar. Thanks SO much!!!

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And, just for fun, here are a few pictures from Father's Day. Because posts are much more fun with pictures than without! Don't you think?!?!

This year, Gib made me promise that I wouldn't buy him any gifts. So, us three girls each made him a card. Then we posed for some funny pictures. Jessica started the "posing" on the back of the sofa. It wasn't such a pretty sight for me to get off. In fact, Gib had to get up, and I had to roll forward onto the sofa which made for a good laugh. I'm just not as young as I used to be!!! (or as small!)

SIGH.






Love,
Tonya

A Fun-filled Fourth

I hope you and your family had a great 4th of July. We did!

I wanted to post yesterday, but I had the lazy bug. Really. We were all so lazy, but I do have to say, it was a great way to spend a Sunday!

We got up early on the 4th and headed to Gib's parents. They live about 45 minutes north of us. We made a quick stop by a local farmer's market near their house, and then headed to their "funny farm" for some fun.

They have a farm on about 50 acres, and my girls love to visit. They have 3 horses, 11 cows, 1 bull, 4 dogs and some chickens. The girls had been looking forward to horseback riding on the trails (really in the woods) behind their house. Jessica was very nervous about that. There is a steep hill at one point, and she was afraid she would fall off the back of the horse.

They decided to take a trial "ride" in the lower pasture and then headed down the road where they live. They were gone for a good hour and had a blast! Here are a few pictures...

Emma Grace and Daddy walking to the barn. I love pictures like this!



Waiting for the horses to get saddled-up!



Whoa Sugar!



Gib...my cowboy wanna-be!



Emma Grace and Daddy on Dixie.



Jessica on Sugar.



Mama Lu leading on Dutchess. Heading to the lower pasture for a trial "ride".



Jessica came back and said her favorite part was when Sugar start to gallop. Emma Grace's favorite part was just being with Daddy. Daddy said Emma Grace talked the whole time...that's my girl!

We visited for a while out back in the gazebo. It was a clear day and the mountains were beautiful. We ate a nice lunch on their back porch and headed to see two little dogs that my girls love. My in-laws have some friends with two little Yorkies, Buster and Tia. Tia is just a tiny puppy and the girls couldn't go home until we saw them!

Here are the girls with a tire from one of the space shuttles. Jessica is holding Tia.



We came home, ate a light dinner and headed to watch fireworks. We have never done this before on the 4th. We're always so tired and Emma Grace has always hated loud noises. This year we decided to go for it.

We met up with our friends and neighbors. It was lots of fun. We saw two sets of fireworks, one from a country club and the others from a park. The police had blocked off the street to the park, so we parked in a nearby shopping center. The people next to us said you could see both sets, so we were excited. But, we were all a bit disappointed because once they started, the main ones were not that easy to see. It was still fun.

My girls with their BFF, Sidney. Three peas in a pod!



I have to say, though, that lingering thought, that I have all the time, was with me all day. Would we be doing this if Grady was here? If so, where would he be? In the stroller? In the carrier? Would he be enjoying this or would he be miserable? Would I have stayed home with Grady and Gib taken the girls, or vice versa?

I'm convinced that I will think about him forever, in everything we do. And if so...that's okay! 'Cuz I love to think about him!

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This week we're getting ready for our trip to the beach. Wednesday is our 14th anniversary, and I have an appointment with Dr. Joe to talk about my childbearing future, or lack there of. I'll keep you posted on it all!

Have a great day! Thanks for stopping by!

Love,
Tonya

Walking With You - Meeting Our Babies

If you'd like to meet Kelly and learn more about Walking With You, please click on the picture above.

Last week, we talked about "Waiting". This week we are supposed to talk about meeting our babies, making memories and the time we spent with them.

My friend, Suzanne, is a Nurse Practitioner in the NICU where I delivered. I met her when Emma Grace was born prematurely at 25 weeks, and we've since remained friends. She and another nurse friend, Lori, came to my c-section with Grady that evening on November 12, 2008. They were going to come to my scheduled c-section just two days later. Suzanne was already working; Lori came in just because she's a precious soul.

I was completely against pictures of Grady. It just didn't seem right to take pictures of my dead baby. I've previously talked about this in a post called "Regrets". Fortunately, Suzanne got in my face, albeit politely, and told me that I wouldn't get this time back. I agreed to the pictures. And I'm SO very thankful! The hospital furnished a beautiful, white, smocked gown for his pictures.



When he was born, still and silent, at 6:14 pm, they asked me if I wanted to see him then or wait until recovery. Gib and I agreed that we would wait until I was in the recovery room. About 45 minutes later, when I entered the recovery room, the photographer from NILMDTS was finishing the pictures. At the time, I only wanted pictures of him. Therefore, I have not one of me with my precious boy.

I was in a daze. Not from the medications, but from the confusion and shock of the whole situation. There was the flash of the camera, hushed talking, commotion behind the curtain, more flashes, but no baby noises.

Grady was there, but he wasn't crying.

His body was there, but he was missing. His soul was already in heaven. He breathed his last breath inside of me. The last beat of his heart was long gone.

It was time for me to say hello and goodbye all at the same time...

Gib held him first while the nurse in recovery did some things with me. Gib and I can't remember who brought Grady to me. It was either him or Suzanne. The only thing I remember is Suzanne walking over, before he was in my arms, saying "Tonya, he's beautiful."

And, oh, how right she was.

I remember holding him for the first time. He was still warm from my womb. He looked like he was sleeping.

He just wouldn't wake up.

I kept stroking his face, kissing him, telling him how sorry I was, asking him what happened.

I held him for a while. I was asked if I wanted to keep him in the room with me. Since I'm a nurse, I had a little insight to this part of the deal. I asked them where he would go if he didn't stay with me, and they honestly told me he would go to the morgue.

No thank you. I've been there. (not in that hospital but where I worked years ago) I decided to keep him with me.

We were very fortunate that he didn't have bodily fluids leaking from him like some babies do. He really and truly looked just like he was sleeping.

He was beautiful with his BRIGHT red, rosy, rosebud lips. He had deliciously chubby cheeks. He had long, beautiful fingers and BIG feet, just like his Daddy! His skin was softer than the finest silk, I'm convinced.

I was then transferred to my postpartum room, which was NOT on the postpartum floor, per my request. I remembered being there after Emma Grace was born, hearing a baby crying in the middle of the night. I cried, too, because my baby was in the NICU, fighting for her life. I just knew that I couldn't be on the postpartum floor in that situation.

Grady stayed with me until I left.

That Thursday I was numb. The tears wouldn't come. I was exhausted. I had tried to sleep the night before, but had stared most of the night at Grady's bassinet, willing him to move and make noise. Didn't happen...

I asked for no visitors, but a few came anyway. One of them was my brother. He showed up bright and early the morning after Grady was born. I was holding Grady on my chest under a blanket, kangaroo style, just like you would hold any other baby. My poor brother walked in and was VERY confused. He thought he had misunderstood because I was holding Grady. I felt so bad for him because he was caught off-guard. He didn't stay long, but I was glad he came.

Not long after that a hospital worker from housekeeping came in to sweep my floor and change the trash bag. As she was leaving, despite the card on my door, she said, "Congratulations". What was I supposed to say? I mustered a weak, "Thanks".

Gib came for a while after he got the girls to school. A few more people came in and out. Grady was with me the whole time. I am so thankful that I kept him with me. I only wish I had held him more. I even wish that I had cuddled him in the bed with me at night. That may sound crazy to some of you. But he was my baby. I had watched and felt him grow the 36 weeks and 5 days that I carried him. The bond was strong. The love intense. The guilt overwhelming. I needed to be with him.

It was all I could do...

Those two days passed by way too quickly.

Friday came, and so did the tears. I took two sleeping pills the night before because I HAD to get some sleep. I slept well, but I was able to "feel" a little more the next day. I cried all day. I knew the formal goodbye was coming.

Dr. Joe came to see me. He asked if I was ready to go home. I told him it was a tough decision...I had two girls at home who wanted and needed me, but when I left, I had to say goodbye to Grady, this side of heaven. He's such a wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate person and doctor. He said he would write my order that I could go that day or stay until the next day. The choice was mine. I knew I was going to have to say goodbye sometime.

I decided to go home.

The funeral home came to get Grady. Unfortunately, because of living in a small town and because of my mom's funeral, I'm on a first-name basis with the funeral home directors. Chad was the one to come get Grady. He was so kind. He didn't rush me. He came in to tell me how sorry he was and that he was there. He brought some magazines and said the nurse would know where to find him when I was ready.

How could I ever be ready to say goodbye? To touch my baby for the last time...

But I had to.

I asked him one question. I needed to know...

Was he going to put Grady in a body bag? That may sound terrible, but again, being a nurse, I know these things. I couldn't watch them (same people) take my mom from her home after she died because I knew she would be in that bag.

To my surprise, he had a basket to put Grady in. When it was time, he brought the basket in to the room and put it on the bed. The nurse gave me a standard hospital blanket to wrap Grady in. He had been wrapped in a beautiful blue and white crochet blanket that I was going to take home with me.

I swaddled him. Gib and I kissed him. We told him we loved him.

And I placed him in that basket.

That was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Gib and I held each other and sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed.

Chad walked out of the room with my precious baby, and we followed not long after.

The nurse said she was going to get a wheelchair for me. I adamantly refused!

I was determined that I was NOT going to be wheeled out if I didn't have a baby in my arms. Gib pulled up to the back door, where Grady had been taken out, and I walked right out those doors.

Empty handed.

AGAIN.

Only this time, there was no hope that my baby would come home alive.

He was gone...



Love,
Tonya

Progress...

My walk this week happened very recently. This past Saturday, in fact.

One of my very best-est friends, Shana, had her baby last week. When she told me she was pregnant it wasn't long after Grady died. She was very honest, up-front and loving in her approach. In the back of my mind, I told myself that by the time her baby was born, I MIGHT be able to hold him/her.

Enough time might have passed...maybe I would have healed enough...to hold another baby...

She and I have had numerous chats and emails about meeting her baby boy. She gave me total freedom to do what I could and what I needed to when her baby was born. She is one of the most self-less people I have EVER met, and I'm so blessed to call her my friend.

I won't lie...I cried when she let me know he was born. I cried honest-to-goodness genuine tears of happiness for her and her husband. This is their first baby.

And...I cried honest-to-goodness genuine tears of sadness for myself.

I SO wish our boys could grow up being friends...

I made the decision that I needed to go see him as soon as possible. I didn't want to visit in the hospital because of other visitors, etc. So, I made plans with Shana to take them dinner and have a visit this past Saturday.

It was hard. The anticipation of the visit was much worse than the actual visit. I just didn't know how I was going to react...

I still don't look too hard at babies.

I still turn away when I see a baby carrier.

I still cringe inside when I hear a baby cry.

But I went.

And it was great!

I walked in and he started making noise. Shana was worried but I said, "Let's go see him".

She changed his diaper, and he needed a new outfit. Very powerfully, the urge came over me to touch him. I asked her if I could change him. And I did. Then the best part...

I picked him up and loved on him.

She fed him, and I snuggled him on my chest in a blanket for at least an hour.

It felt good.

It felt right.

Did I miss Grady?

ABSOLUTELY!!!!

Did I feel betrayal to Grady for holding another baby?

Not as much as I thought I would.

Do I regret holding him?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!

In fact, I can't wait to go back!

If you've never gone through anything like this, this moment/memory probably won't carry with it the magnitude that it will for my friends who have lived through the horrible pain of infant loss. (If you're visiting for the first time, you can click on Grady's picture on my left side bar to read his story.)

Slowly, very slowly, I'm making progress. The Lord is healing my heart. Slowly but surely I'm getting a bit of my "old" self back. I'll NEVER be the same. It's just not possible. I don't ever expect to be. I'm a different person since Grady's death. BUT, I can see light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel of grief.

I am learning and trying SO hard to live a life that Grady would be proud of. I would love for him to look down on me and say,

"Yep. That's my mommy. She's a baby-lovin' fool!"

(You can scroll down one post to read where that thought came from.)

Here are a couple of pictures. (Shana made me promise that I wouldn't put the picture of the two of them on here!)




Thanks for walking with me today!

PS. One more thought...on that day last year (June 27, 2008)...we found out Grady was a boy!

Love,
Tonya