Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Church. Love. Peace. Guilt.

Crazy title, huh? Those are the things on my mind this morning.

Jessica moved up to the middle school environment yesterday. It is called Xtreme. They do a fantastic job with the kids at our church, providing an environment that is comfortable, appropriate for their age group and "cool" in their opinion. We went to drop her off and it was much different than before. No name tag on her shirt or number to attach to her clothing in case she needed us during the sermon...just a name check from a list and off she went. There were groups of kids just hanging out in the hall, enjoying orange frosty drinks catered from The Varsity. Gib and I were sad that we couldn't stay and have one, too! When we picked her up and asked her how it was, she said "It's cool. Much better than downstairs. We rocked out!" I'm glad she enjoyed it so much, and I'm ever so thankful that worship comes in all styles.

We finished our sermon series by Andy Stanley on "Staying in Love" yesterday. I have to say that it was fantastic! It has opened my eyes and my heart in regards to how I approach my marriage. I posted links to the first two sermons in previous posts, but click here for the whole sermon series. I encourage you to take the time to watch them. Whether your marriage is falling apart or is doing great, I believe you will benefit from them. And, hey, there's always room for improvement, right?

If you know me then you know that I love music. Everything about it. The lyrics often speak straight to my heart. At the conclusion of yesterday's sermon, four members of the band performed "Love Is Not a Fight" by Warren Barfield. The best part about it was that the power went out, and they didn't have the loud music like usual. Don't get me wrong, I do love loud music, but this song was perfect the way it was with just one singer and three instrumentalists. The song was very moving...of course, I got very teary-eyed...and I came home to look it up. I found that it is part of the Fireproof movie, which we still haven't seen, but I'm thinking I need to buy the soundtrack. There are several songs from that movie that I love.

Just because I feel like it, here is a You Tube video of the singer and song. Take a minute if you can to listen to the lyrics. And don't forget to pause my music at the bottom of my blog.

I wish I could stay in church for the next 58 days. Seriously. As we were singing our praise and worship songs yesterday, I realized what peace I have in my heart during that time. It happens each and every Sunday. I stand, sing and peace fills my heart. During that time, I feel peace with Grady's death. I feel that no matter what comes my way that I will be okay. I feel that all will be okay with Dumplin'. The fear, worry and anxiety that I've experienced throughout the previous week leaves me and is replaced with inexplicable peace. I can't explain it other than that it must be the Holy Spirit. I know that as believers the Spirit dwells in us all the time, but I guess I feel His presence more during those times? I pray and seek Him through the weekdays, but I do look forward to Sunday mornings for those few minutes where the weight and worry is lifted from me.

I haven't blogged about it much , but I've been struggling a lot with fear, anxiety and worry about the outcome of this pregnancy. My thoughts are almost too jumbled to make much sense out of them to share with you. Maybe when they become more clear, I'll attempt to write about them. I knew this wasn't going to be easy,but I didn't quite expect it to be this hard...

I've also been struggling with guilt. Guilt that I can't do very much with my girls this summer. I know it is temporary. I know they will be okay if everyday isn't filled with something fun to do. But I can't do much at all. I'm not complaining, but it hurts me just to walk. So that takes out so many things...the zoo, aquarium, mall, etc. They are so sweet to me. They help me, look after me and let me rest each and every day. But I want to make the most of this time with them and unfortunately I'm not creative at all! This is (hopefully) our last summer and our last days of just us hanging out before Dumplin' comes. Our lives will be forever different with another baby/child in the family. And while we are all very much looking forward to that, I want to savor this time with the two of them. They are older, funny, witty and just down right fun to be with. We will spend some time at the pool, but since I can't get in the water, and with the GA heat and humidity, my limit is about two hours. Doesn't do much to fill a day. Suggestions anyone?

Some picture posts to come sometime this week! Have a great one!



  1. I am so glad that you have such a great church Tonya... and that Jessica loved her new class to go to:)

    I am praying for that peace that fills you on Sundays to fill you more on the other days of the week:) Wouldn't that be great??:) Love you friend... praying as always for you and Dumplin... I can't wait to see his precious face:)

    Now I am going to go listen to that song... by the way the fireproof movie IS really good, you should rent it sometime... I remember seeing it pregnant with Samuel and bawling during part of it, holding my tummy because I literally felt like I could sob out loud in the theatre... another precious memory with my boy... missing the boys today... missing you too:) Have a great Monday Tonya...

  2. Tonya,
    Thinking of you and praying for you all of the time. I am counting down the days with you! I am not sure if that thought helps you or make you more nervous, but i just can't help it. I am SO excited for the day that you hold little Dumplin' in your arms. I do hope and pray that you have a joy-filled, memorable summer with your girls.

  3. I love your jumbled posts (though I don't think they are jumbled, just glimpses of your life ;). I imagine it is hard to want to do more things with the girls than your able to right now, but I bet they understand. Thinking of you today!!

  4. I know that fear and anxiety, it almost feels too overwhelming and too impossible to carry. Jesus is with you all the time and loves you so much, Tonya. We love you too.

    I hope to see you next week!

  5. That song is amazing!! I found it right after the movie came out! Another song from that soundtrack is While I'm waiting by John Waller! It is SO moving! Check it out!!!