Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I Saw Him and His Hands

I saw him again tonight.

And his hands.

They will always be precious to me.

Almost sacred.

His name is Mitch.

He works at the funeral home here in our small town. He was amazingly wonderful when my mom passed away but was even more so with Grady.

You see, he was the one Gib and I met with the Monday after I came home from the hospital. We had not yet decided whether to bury or cremate sweet Grady's earthly body. As we met and made our decision, through my tears, hot and flowing, I asked one thing of Mitch.

"Mitch, before you cremate him would you please tell him one more time that his Mommy and Daddy love him?"

With a reassuring nod, he said, "I sure will."

And I know he did. Because he told me so.

But you may be wondering, "What in the world does this have to do with his hands?"

A short time later, I went back to the funeral home to take care of some other business, and it struck me. Driving down the long funeral home drive, it hit me that he was the last one to have his hands on my baby boy. His big strong hands unwrapped the blanket that Grady was swaddled in. Undressed my baby from his blue gown with the lion on the front. Took his diaper off. Removed the hospital cap from his head. Told him that his Mommy and Daddy loved him. And gently placed his perfect little baby boy self into the crematory.

Boy, this is hard to write. Here come the tears. Unexpectedly.

His hands will always hold high regard with me. They will always be special and sacred to me.

I know Grady is in God's hands now. And I know that Grady was in God's hands the day he was cremated. But Mitch was the last one to touch my baby boy. To touch the flesh that grew inside of me. The body that I held and loved and stroked and kissed. The body that I still remember and still miss and still love today.

I was reminded of that again tonight when I saw him and needed to share it with you.



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  2. Oh, wow. I have never thought of that. Oh my, I wonder ... what my Jeremiah looked like before they put him into the crematory. I have never thought of someone else saying goodbye to my baby. This sent chills down my spine. Thank you for a very thought provoking post.

  3. Tonya... Ugh!!! There are so many hard things, so hard to accept at times. I am so glad that you were able to talk to Mitch and tell him to tell Grady you and Gib loved him one more time. I always wonder if Samuel was treated with respect... that always bothers me a lot. More regrets...

    Tonya, I wish I was there to give you a big hug! I wish we lived closer... when those things just kind of smack you in the face, I wish we could just meet up and talk about it. I get it, all of it, every bit of what you said. You were and still are such a good mommy to Grady. You grew him well, amazingly well:) and you still love and miss him well. HE WAS SO BLESSED TO HAVE YOU AS HIS MOMMY... and I am blessed to have you as a friend.

    Praying for you right now Tonya!

  4. That made me cry...real hard.. I can't even type this. Thank you for sharing...

  5. Oh Tonya, this one got me pretty hard. I've never thought about the last hands that held my sweet baby boy. Luckily those hands below to a dear friend of ours as well. Thinking and praying for you daily.


  6. I can't stop the tears. Never thought of it before. Can't even make a coherent sentence. This really touched me.

  7. I wonder about those last few days too...after we said goodbye to him at the hospital until he was buried three days later.
    It hurts so much that there was time that we didn't get to spend with them...things that we just couldn't do.

    Missing Grady with you today.

    love you,

  8. This was a beautiful post, Tonya. It had to be hard to write; it moved me deeply. The comments from your readers were equally touching. I'm so glad you have such a strong support system, and that your stories connect with so many people who share your pain. Peace, sweet friend.

    ((hugs)) Nicole

  9. My heart aches with you. I sometimes feel like I didn't tell Lukas enough how much I love him.

  10. You will always be Grady's mommy and I think the Lord lets him know how much you love him.

    Sometimes when I pray I ask God to tell our Anna how much we miss her and that we love her. She is still alive in heaven...just not on earth. I have done this also for a lot of my other loved ones that have gone on to be with Jesus. It really helps me.

    I hope God will give you comfort and peace today sweet Tonya. Thanks for sharing your heart and your hurts. I love you.

    Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

  11. Tonya, I think I'll shed a few tears with you. I can see why that touches your heart. I'm not sure who's hands were last on my children but I'm pretty sure I was one of the last to touch them. Once that casket was closed, that was it.

    Deep, tender, thoughtful.... meditations.