A Quick Prayer Request

I'm so incredibly tired, physically and emotionally. I'm so thankful that Gib let me sleep this morning and sleep I did...from 8:30 to 1:30!

To make a long story short, Matthew started nursing yesterday without the nipple shield. This is a HUGE praise! But the joys of this is being overshadowed by the fact that he is holding his breath when my milk lets down. This is no different from what he does at the beginning of a feeding with the bottle, although I feel like his episodes are a little worse at the breast. While I abruptly pull him off the breast, while trying to keep my nipple intact (OUCH!), he turns all shades of purple and blue. I stimulate him by vigorously rubbing his back, patting him and calling his name, and he will eventually start to breathe but it's not always without some coughing and sputtering. There are times that I wonder if I will have to resort to more aggressive means to "bring him back".

UGGH!

BIG SIGH!

People, it's very scary to see your baby do this. I've talked to Suzanne, of course, and she has reassured me numerous times that this is a maturity issue and not a heart issue. But is doesn't take away the fear. Or the frustration.

And to add insult to injury, once I put him back on the breast after his episode, he doesn't really want to eat. He just wants to sleep. But then when I put him down, he's awake again crying because he's still hungry.

Would you please pray with me that he gets better at feeding and not holding his breath?

I've tried to stay strong and positive because there is much to be thankful for. However, three weeks of 'round the clock feedings of him holding his breath is wearing on me emotionally.

Almost to the point of tears.

OK.

I confess.

The tears have already come...

I just want him to be okay. And eat. And be happy and healthy.

That's not too much to ask is it?

One more praise before I go...I had his weight checked Friday and he's up to 7 lbs, 3 oz. YAY!

Love,
Tonya

Matthew. Pictures...Finally!

Gib loaded these pictures onto his computer this morning at 4-something as I pumped milk for our little guy.

Enjoy!

Taken August 15th.





Taken yesterday, August 17th.



This is just a fun, cute one taken on August 7th, asleep on Daddy, of course. The finger...



Love him to pieces!

Matthew - One Month

It's hard to believe our sweet Matthew is already one month old today!

I don't feel like he's that old, though. I guess that's because he spent the first two weeks of his life in the hospital...

He's doing great! He is a super good baby and only really cries for obvious reasons (hungry, wet, dirty, etc). He is eating 2 1/2 to 3 ounces every three hours (yes, I'm pumping and giving him a bottle - I haven't completely given up on nursing him - more on that later). He is still a bit uncoordinated at the beginning of his feedings and forgets to breathe. But after a couple of times of me taking the bottle out of his mouth, he seems to get it and finishes without any problems. He has the sweetest chubby cheeks and is starting to get rolls on his long legs. Love it! I'm going to take him back to the pediatrician this week to be weighed, but I can tell that he has gotten bigger. He is starting to stay awake for short periods of time, and his eyes have changed from brown to deep grey. It will be interesting to see what color they end up being. I'm loving watching his eyelashes grow, too. He didn't have any when he was born just like his biggest sis, Jessica. He is very noisy and grunty which makes sleeping hard, especially for Gib who now gets up at 3:30am...crazy or what?! (He's training for a half marathon in October) I'm still getting used to changing boy diapers and haven't been shot at yet! Maybe that's because I always have it covered.

I don't want this time to pass too quickly, but I know it will...

I have a few cute pictures that I wanted to post from yesterday, but Gib fell asleep and I hate to wake him to load them on this laptop of his. Which speaking of, I'm going to be lost tomorrow because his classes start tomorrow night, so I'll be computer-less. Even though I don't spend much time on the internet these days, it's at least nice to have that option...

I will definitely come back and add the pictures for our family memories, and I'll be sure to let you know when I do.

Well, I've typed this whole post one-handed because he was sleeping so peacefully in my arms. But now it's time to get his bottle warmed and the two of us ready for bed even though we, make that I, won't be sleeping much I'm sure! Oh, I got a Moby Wrap which I'm super excited about using. I put him in it for a short time tonight and we both loved it. :) I have someone coming to clean my kitchen and bathrooms tomorrow...I'm super excited about that, too!

Love,
Tonya

Glad. Sad. Mad.

I'm not sure this post is going to come together like I want it to, especially in the amount of time I have to write it. But, here goes...

(For the record, I started it this morning and have just finished it at 2:25pm)

These are feelings that I've experienced since I was admitted to the high risk unit on July 13th. When I was on bed rest in the hospital, I eluded to a post of this title and truly thought I would write it while there. That was before I knew how absolutely terrible the internet connection was.

Fast forward...

I thought I would only be feeling the "glad" part now that Matthew is here and alive and healthy.

Nope.

Not that easy for me.

I'm a very sensitive person anyway. Add to that postpartum hormonal changes and lack of sleep and well, this is what you get.

While in the hospital, before Matthew was born, I was sad... Sad to be away from Gib and the girls. I was hoping to be in the hospital a long time and didn't like the thought of being away for so long. Little did I know that I would only be there a week.

I was also mad. Mad at my body. Mad at my uterus that it couldn't and wouldn't behave. I was mad at myself for not getting more done earlier on to prepare for Matthew. Truth is I was scared. I had bonded with him and loved him, but as far as physically preparing a place for him in our home, I was going to wait as long as possible to see if he lived or not. (may sound grim but don't forget that was our reality once before)

But in spite of feeling sad and mad, I was also glad. Glad to have a doctor who was super conservative and not willing to take any chances with me. Glad to be in the hospital just in case something did happen. Glad, at the time, to have the option of medications that could quiet my irritable uterus (that is until even the strongest of medications didn't touch those pesky contractions!). Glad to have the support of my hubby, girls and many family and friends.

Then Matthew was born...

I was so glad he was here, "alive, pink and breathing", as Dr. L from the NICU said.

But at the same time, I was sad he had to be in the NICU, even though I knew that NICU was better than death. I was sad to be away from him. But if he had to be in the NICU, I was so glad he was there. It was almost like a reunion with so many of the nurses who took care of Emma Grace, and it was like being with family when those I've kept in touch with were around. I knew that Matthew was being taken care of exceptionally well. Not just because of my connections, but because they are a great bunch of docs and nurses who genuinely care for all of the babies who reside there.

I was mad, too. Mad that nothing can be easy. Mad that my body failed me, yet again. Mad that nothing seems to work out as we plan. It's not about us or our plans, I know that! At times, though, it seems that when I look around, the plans that others make come to fruition without even a small glitch. I know...get over it.

I'm trying.

Fast forward again to today.

God love me. I'm still feeling glad, mad and sad.

SIGH.

Why?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

I am SO, SO, SO very glad to have Matthew. And Jessica. And Emma Grace. And Gib. And Grady in heaven. And a God who loves me unconditionally and has plans for me that are better than I could ever imagine or plan myself.

But I'm sad that I'm done having children. As crazy as it sounds, even after everything we've been through, I would entertain the idea of having another baby. Gib, on the other hand, who must have a say in it all, does not share my feelings on this matter. Thus, the end of babies for our family. Not to mention the fact that Dr. Joe would most certainly fire me as his patient if I got pregnant again. Which I'm not going to do...I'm just saying...and I wouldn't want anyone else as my doctor.

But here's where the mad part comes in. It's not just that we're done having babies. It's the fact that that decision has pretty much been made for me. Physically, my uterus cannot carry another pregnancy and hold another baby. It's just not possible. Especially since they keep getting bigger with each one!

Now please don't misunderstand me. It may sound like I'm ungrateful which couldn't be further from the truth. I am incredibly thankful that I was even able to get pregnant. I can think of at least a handful of people off the top of my head who have a hard time even conceiving. And my heart breaks for them. I was able to be pregnant five times which is a blessing (just for the record I had a very early miscarriage in 2005 which might have been a blighted ovum).

But as I was talking to my friend Jenny the other day, we agreed that when a decision is made for you, it's much harder to swallow. Even though we were "done" after Matthew, pregnancy isn't even an option for me again. And that's where the mad part comes in, I guess.

I feel like I've rambled my way through this post. I hope you were able to follow at least a little and make some sense of it. As I'm typing, I'm thinking this could be alternately titled, "Grief of a different kind". Because that's exactly what I'm doing...grieving what didn't happen and what can't happen in the future.

It's all good though. Just working through this emotional junk. Not getting too bogged down in it but knowing it's there and lies dormant under the surface. Praising the Lord for what I have and knowing I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world. Even the heartache and pain of losing Grady and missing him every day. Grady, who by the way, would have turned 21 months old yesterday. Hard to believe!

And before I go, please add my friend Tessa to your prayer list. She is 27 weeks pregnant with twin boys and is now on strict bedrest at home. And my friend Jenny, who I mentioned in an earlier post, is also home on bedrest and doing well. Thanks for lifting them up!

Love,
Tonya

The Butterfly

I have to quickly share this.

If you've been around my blog for any length of time, you know that butterflies remind me of Grady.

Yesterday, I was snuggled on the sofa with Matthew sleeping peacefully on my chest. We've had a few deer roaming our backyard the last few days, so I was looking out the back windows wondering if they would appear.

The deer didn't, but a butterfly did.

It was a beautiful, huge, yellow one. That butterfly must have flown by my windows at least 20 times. It would fly in one direction, and a bit later, it would fly the opposite direction. Back and forth across the windows.

I couldn't help but think of Grady.

When I told Gib and Emma Grace, they both said, in different verbiage but at the same time, that Grady must have been checking on his baby brother.

I agree.

But I also think it was a sign.

A sign that all is well with Grady. A sign that Matthew will always have a big brother in heaven watching over him. A sign that says, "It's okay Mommy. Even though I'm not physically here for you to hold, I'm always close." Even though we rejoice in Matthew's life, Grady is never far and is always a part of everything we do.

Grady is always close in spirit and lives in our hearts forever.

And his baby brother is looking more and more like him with each passing day!

I was caught off guard when Matthew was born and didn't look much like Grady. Before you leave me a comment, I know he's not Grady! But the whole time I was pregnant with Matthew, I was kind of hoping he would resemble Grady. In fact, I expected him to because, in my mind, Grady was what our boys would look like. (Seeing as how he was our only boy until Matthew) But as Matthew grows closer to the gestational age at which Grady was born, 36 weeks and 5 days, he's looking more and more like his big brother. His adjusted age, as of today, is 36 weeks and 3 days.

Have a great weekend! Hopefully I'll be able to post some recent pictures soon.

Love,
Tonya

Random Update

Just a quick update to let you all know that we are still here and doing well. Our home computer crashed Monday. It has a virus or something. All I know is that I can't use it, so I've got Gib's laptop here at home and it's not my favorite. And I definitely don't know how to load pictures. So, any posts to come in the near future will be picture-less.

We took Matthew to his first pediatrician appointment Monday, and he got an outstanding report. The pediatrician said he looked great and he had regained his birth weight, back to 6 lbs. 2 oz. I was shocked that he didn't have to go back until he is two months. I might take him back to have his weight checked but Dr. E said we will not treat him as a fragile baby just because he was a preemie. Fine with me! Although, I do treat him with a somewhat fragile manner here at home...

People have started bringing us meals which is such a blessing. People have also been gracious and not asked to hold him. I'm a bit overly-paranoid with my preemies. I don't like them passed around too much and all the family members who have held him have been instructed to wash their hands first, for sure!

Speaking of washing hands, Emma Grace has a cold. I'm a bit freaked out. But trying not to be. All I can do is pray over Matthew, keep her away without hurting her feelings and keep our hands very clean. I knew germs would visit us, but I didn't think they would come so soon.

The girls started school Monday. Jessica started middle school and seems to like it so far. Emma Grace is in first grade and enjoying it, too. Gib has been taking them to school in the morning before he heads to work, but I'm on my own Monday. It's gonna be a challenge.

I have been a bit sad among my joy this week. Please don't misunderstand me...I am SO, SO thankful to have Matthew home with us. But my c-section was supposed to be yesterday, August 4th. That was the day we had been counting down to. It was my dad's birthday, and I thought it would be so special to have Matthew on that day. But it wasn't God's plan for him or us. I accept that, but I am also grieving our plans that didn't come to fruition. It may be hard to understand, and it's definitely hard to explain. With as big as he was and as good as he did in the NICU, I can't help but wonder if Matthew wouldn't have just come home from the hospital with us if he had been born at 36 weeks. Maybe we could have had one more "normal" delivery and homecoming. This too shall pass. I'm thankful to have a baby, and I'm certainly not complaining. Just something I'm working through.

And one more thing before I go. Please say a prayer for my friend Jenny. She went to the hospital early Tuesday morning with bleeding and contractions. Turns out what she had been told was a low-lying placenta is a complete placenta previa. She is still in the hospital on bed rest through the weekend and then will be home on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. She isn't due until late November. She has two other children, a one and two year old, so pray that she can really be off of her feet and get the rest she must have. Funny thing, she is in the room on high risk that I was first admitted to. If I had held onto Matthew longer, we could have been there together the first part of this week. Crazy!

That's all for now. Baby crying. Gotta go.

Love,
Tonya

Heaven on Earth

Matthew is home!

And we are thrilled.

It feels like a little of heaven on earth.

In more ways than one.

It's very surreal to have a living, crying baby here. I'm SO thankful. There aren't words to describe how I feel.

Really.

She's gonna kill me because she specifically told me NOT to put her picture on my blog. But I can't help it. She has been such an instrumental part of my life and I seriously don't think I could have made it through my last two births without her. This is Matthew and Suzanne. She was leaving as we got there to pick him up. Love you girl! Forgive me!?!? Thanks for everything!



Last feeding at the hospital.



No fancy going home outfit for him. Just a simple onesie that says it all. "Little Brother".



Leaving hospital.



First car ride & his cute little feet!




We brought him home around 6:30 Friday night, after a stop at the Zaxby's drive-thru for dinner. He did very well on his first car ride. He tried his best to stretch out, but he just couldn't do it. But he didn't make one peep and slept all the way home.

First picture at home!



His first time in the bassinett.



It wasn't long after he woke up that Emma Grace decided that she finally wanted to hold him. It was such a sweet time.




And a time of reflection and thankfulness for these two preemies, whose birthdays are both on the 16th day of different months. Both of whom we are eternally grateful. Both of whom we don't take for granted for one second. Jessica is included in those sentiments as well! We love her and are thankful for her, too! She just chose to enter this world in a much more calm, "normal" fashion.

The first night Matthew was home was definitely a honeymoon night. He ate every three hours and went sound asleep afterwards. Last night was a little different. He didn't finally settle until about 3:30am, but I expected this. The same thing happened with Emma Grace when we brought her home.

Matthew was on an every four hour feeding schedule in the hospital. Now he eats every two to three. I'm hoping he isn't going to lose much weight at his appointment tomorrow. I'm really trying to just breastfeed him because he paces himself very well and has the suck, swallow and breathe pattern down much better with the breast than the bottle. I've given him a couple of bottles, but he isn't much interested in them. He LOVES to nurse. He would do it for hours at a time if I would let him. I'm struggling with a happy-medium though because I have more milk than he needs right now. The challenge for me is to feed him and pump, but not too much, because I don't know when he's going to want to eat again. I know this is temporary, but it's a challenge all the same. But I'm up for it and thankful to have it!

Jessica and Emma Grace have been great helpers to me. Because she's older, Jessica has really stepped up to the plate, doing anything I need her to do. She is very sad that school starts tomorrow. She said this morning that she wants to stay home with Matthew. I understand. I wish she could be here, too.

I have one more thing to add to your prayer list, please, for our Matthew, in addition to his brain bleed resolving with no complications. Suzanne listened to him Friday morning and heard a heart murmur again. They have heard it on and off, and just to be sure, she called the cardiologist in to do an ECHO on Matthew's heart before we left. Dr. B, the cardiologist, called me Friday afternoon and Matthew has two small holes in the upper chamber of his heart between the two atria. One is called a patent foramen ovale, which usually closes at birth. I'm not sure what the other hole is from, but Dr. B was not the least bit concerned. He strongly believes both will close on their own, but he already has an appointment for another ECHO in two months.

That's about all I have time for now because I want to add pictures to this post which takes forever because I have so many pics on my camera. Well, he's awake, so I'll get this published when I can...

So it's now 5:30pm. Gib's parents came for a visit this afternoon.



And this is the scene right now.




My brother has taken the girls to the pool for one last hoorah before school tomorrow. Just remembered I have to make a list and go to the store...my girls need food for their lunches. It's gonna be hard to get back in the swing of things I'm afraid.

Toodles for now!

Love,
Tonya