Thank you for visiting my blog! If you are visiting because you have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, let me say that I am so very sorry. I started this blog shortly after our Baby Grady was stillborn on November 12, 2008. Please visit the sidebar below called "Labels" to find the topic in which you are interested, or just read as your heart desires.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Tidbits from T

***This is a super busy week for our family. Or at least it seems that way.

Monday, I met with the founder of Rock Goodbye Angel to discuss some opportunities to serve bereaved moms who have lost babies. Yesterday was Emma Grace's field day. Matthew and I went for the afternoon fun, and it was HOT! He was so sleepy but such a trooper, as usual. I'm hoping he will continue in that same fashion today as Jessica has a track banquet from 3:30-5:00. After that, we have to go shopping for her an outfit and new shoes for her Chorus performance tomorrow night. (Don't get me started on that! She has to wear all black with black shoes that she will never wear again...UGGH! She borrowed black boots in the fall and winter but those won't fly this time of year. Not to mention that I somehow didn't get the email that was sent out, and Jessica just told me about it last night. DOUBLE UGGH!) Friday, Matthew has to go to the neurologist, Mr. Personality himself. And Saturday, we have the balloon release and ice cream party to honor our babies. Busy, busy.

***Emma Grace received an award last week, called a Dragon Award, for sportsmanship. She was selected by her classmates for this, and we were so proud! She was honored on the stage with a special lunch. I went, but she requested that I not bring Matthew. So funny that girl! It was a special time just the two of us.

***Matthew has mastered the art of rolling. And rolling. And rolling. All over the place! This is such a huge accomplishment for him. He is building strength in his right arm, and his therapist is going to be thrilled when we go back next week. He gets from his back to his tummy in no time flat. And he is actually enjoying his tummy, even rolling over on it to sleep. The bad part about that, though, is that he has woken up every morning soaking wet. Two nights ago, he wasn't happy on his tummy and couldn't find his paci, so at 3am I turned him to his back to find he was wet up to his chest. So, a change of clothes and a new sheet it was. Fortunately, he went right back to sleep.

When he's on his tummy, he is trying to move his legs and get them under him. He is showing the beginnings of doing an army crawl. It's my guess that he will be all over this house very soon. What a blessing! But what a challenge...

***Heeding my own advice is so hard. I used to tell moms that any amount of breastmilk they gave their babies was better than none. And that is the absolute truth. But for myself, I set the bar super high and strive for a year. I did it with Jessica and Emma Grace. But, unfortunately, my breastfeeding/pumping days are a thing of the past. For good.

I gave it up last week. I just couldn't do it anymore. I honestly had grown to hate it. I never loved it, but I knew I was doing a great thing for Matthew. It got to the point, though, that when I would sit to pump, I would almost have an anxiety attack. The stress of that would inhibit my let down, and I would get frustrated about that. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Of course, I had the internal dialogue with myself..."You've done it for 9 1/2 months, it's okay to stop now." And the flip side... "You've done it for 9 1/2 months, you can do it 2 1/2 more!" But the truth is that I needed to stop for myself. I am still struggling with the guilt, especially since Matthew isn't taking his bottles like he was before. But I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders these days.

***If it comes to mind, could you please say a prayer for my sweet husband? This is an extremely stressful time for him at work. He is preparing for the EOCT (end of course testing) at his school for close to 4,000 students. He is a perfectionist when it comes to his work and gives 110%, plus this is a huge responsibility for one person. He was awake at 2:30 this morning and will work late every night until (and after) the testing is over, which is in two weeks. I worry about him, obviously because I love him, but also because of his past heart issues. He had a heart attack in May of 2007. Not your typical heart attack due to blockage, but due to an artery spasm which decreased oxygen to his heart muscle. He takes medication daily to help keep those vessels relaxed, but stress can aggrevate the problem, so please pray that he does okay. And that I can be supportive and encouraging to him during this time. Thanks!

That's all I have time for right now. Thanks for reading!



  1. Tonya... I will totally be praying for Gib's health during the next couple of weeks. Wow, and for you as I know when the daddy is soooo busy it puts a bit more on the mama of the house:) Thinking of you all, how does the summer look? Any chance for that road trip??:) Love you Tonya!

  2. I'll be praying for Gib... hey... what size does Jessica wear? Shoes and otherwise... sometimes I buy ahead for H, but she may even be able to wear my black shoes... I have an assortment! Call me if you'd like...

  3. I will be praying for Gib and his health.
    What formula are you giving Matthew? For some crazy reason I got Similac Advance in the mail Friday! If you need it I will be glad to let you have it, I do not know what to do with

  4. How is Gib doing this week? Tell him he needs to do some breathing and stretching exercises every morning. : ) I'm praying for him and you all. This time of year is stressful.
    Chris is so busy right now. I can't even tell you what time he gets up in the morning. I'm thinking it's before 4am. : (

    Tonya, you did a great job. Pumping for all that time is incredible and you are incredible. Please don't put any more guilt or pressure on yourself. You need to take care of yourself too.

    love you,