I feel like I've been away for so long! I have so many things that I want to post about and share with you, but they are going to be long posts and take so much emotional energy that I just don't feel like I've had lately.
I want to share with you what happened to me yesterday. It was so freeing for me. I've said several times that I LOVE the church that we've been going to since January. All of the speakers have been wonderful, but Andy Stanley is by far my favorite. He just has such a way of teaching the Bible in a way that is fun (YES I said FUN!), easy to understand and apply to your life. We also went to his church about 15 years ago, so it's nice to be back.
I was hoping yesterday's message would speak to me. The title of the sermon grabbed my attention - "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Boy, is that for me or what? As usual, I was not disappointed.
The sermon was about David, found in 1 Samuel 21. A short synopsis was that David thought everything was going well for him and that God was on his side. He was revelling in God's goodness for him, when all of a sudden his life took a turn in the other direction. His plans weren't going as he hoped and wanted, so he fled, turning his back on God and taking matters into his own hands. Turns out that his way didn't work out so well for him.
This was only part 1 of the sermon. If you'd like to hear or watch this sermon click here. I'm looking forward to next week when we learn how God was with David all the time. David realizes this and starts leaning on Him again.
This sermon was so important to me because I realized that I wasn't alone in my anger with God. I realized that it was okay that I was angry. I wasn't alone in feeling like God had turned his back on me when Grady died. I wasn't alone in taking matters into my own hands, handling my grief on my own. Because after all, what kind of God who loves me so much would take my precious unborn baby boy from me? My life was going well. I had such big dreams of having a little boy. I had such hopes for the joy Grady would bring to our family. I could taste what it would feel like to hold him in my arms. I wanted him so much! And then, boom, in an instant it was all gone. Grady was gone. My dreams were shattered. I didn't know what to do or where my life was going, but I knew for sure I didn't want anything to do with God. But at the same time....He was all I had.
But the truth is, God was there all along. Being patient with me. Waiting for me to come back to Him with His arms open wide. Waiting to comfort me in ways that only He could.
I was writing last night in my prayer journal. Here's part of what I wrote:
"Thank you for taking that anger from me and turning it into something less destructive - confusion, something so hard to understand that it's just not humanly possible".
That's mostly what I feel now. Confusion. I don't know why we don't get to have and love Grady here on this earth. And it's not something that I can grasp. It's just something I have to live with and learn how to live with each day. I am so thankful, though, to have a heavenly Father who loves me, weeps with me, rejoices with me, and carries me through even the hardest times.
I don't know what, if anything, you're struggling with right now. I don't know where you are spiritually. I don't know if you have faith at all. But one thing I know for sure is this... No matter what you're going through. No matter what your circumstances. No matter what your struggle is...
God is right there with you. He is in control. He has a plan for you.
"....plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11.
Love,
Tonya
Monday, March 30, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
3 - 2 - 1 BLASTOFF!
That’s how I feel my life has been this week. Taking off VERY fast. Taking off in directions that I wasn’t expecting. At least not so soon. Let’s hit the brakes and back up…
In the first few weeks after Grady died, I was searching incessantly for a support group to attend. I read lots of stories online, but I so badly needed to be face-to-face with other moms who had lost their babies. Most of the groups were general grief groups or groups where people experience the loss of a child at any age. This just wasn’t what I was looking for. In my anger, it came to my mind that I should start a group. That I needed to be the agent of change for moms like me.
I feel that I need to give you a tiny bit of background about me. Because after all, what would qualify me to lead such a group?
First of all, I’ve personally experienced a lot of loss in my life. I think I explored this in previous posts, but if you missed it, I’ll tell you again. My dad died when I was 13. My grandparents died one by one between 1996-2003. We almost lost Emma Grace in 2003. I had a miscarriage in 2005. My mom died in 2007. Grady died in 2008.
Professionally, if you don’t know, I am a registered nurse. I have not worked in the hospital since 1998 and even then, I have only a short time of experience in the adult ICU. When Jessica was one, I became a Certified Childbirth Educator. For the past nine years, I have taught childbirth, breastfeeding, and infant safety/cpr classes. I also led a support group for new moms called Motherlore. I loved it. I was very sad to leave, but I just can't talk and teach about babies all the time now.
Now back to the present. The thought of starting a group remained in the back of my head. In January, as I drove across town to the only support group I could find that suited my needs, I met a wonderful woman who runs that group. I was talking to her and shared my desires and interest in starting a group. She agreed that there was a huge need in our area for an infant loss group. To make a very long story short, after emailing back and forth, her organization sponsored me to take an RTS Bereavement Training Course (hence my trip out of town last week). One point of important clarification: I did not ask for this training. She offered it. It literally fell in my lap. I knew it was from God and an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. I know it is very soon after Grady’s death, but it was the only training this year that was in driving distance, and I didn’t want to wait until next year.
RTS is a very credible and reputable organization in hospital-based bereavement programs. Dr. Joe (my OB) agrees that there needs to be some kind of group at the hospital to serve moms/families like us. Not just a stillbirth, but any perinatal loss – miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, death from prematurity, stillbirth, and death shortly after birth. This works in my favor as he is the Chief of OB! Can I just tell you once again what a wonderful person he is! He, too, is one of those God-sends in my life!
****Here’s where I feel like the space ship is taking off, and I’m standing in the trail of smoke left behind saying, “Wait for me!”
I had my yearly appointment with Dr. Joe on Monday. We talked some in his office and over lunch, and he feels it would be important and valuable if I would speak at an upcoming Performance Improvement meeting to present my ideas. Immediately my anxiety rose to levels far beyond the roof! I don’t like speaking in front of a bunch of people, especially a bunch of doctors. Don’t get me wrong. I want to do it! I’m just very anxious and nervous, and the meeting isn’t until April 15th!
Tuesday morning I emailed two of my friends at the hospital to ask some questions. I received a text that morning AND a call from Dr. Joe’s office telling me that there was a bereavement meeting that day at 2pm. Was I available? After scrambling for childcare, I WAS able to go. I was immediately put at ease as I saw some familiar faces from our 4 months in the NICU with Emma Grace. I thought I was just going to observe, listen and learn at this meeting. Nope. I am now a part of this committee and have been assigned to a sub-committee. This bereavement committee has been in place for the NICU for a very short time with some very big and much-needed goals. They are trying to expand it to reach Labor and Delivery at the hospital because that is where most fetal deaths occur. I really hope that I can be a voice for other moms who lose their babies!
Don’t ask God to use you if you’re not really ready for Him to! On my way to the training I asked the Lord to help me be attentive and learn as much as I could to reach out and help grieved families. On the way home, I prayed for Him to use me in such a way that would help people and bring Him glory. I’m seeing answers to these prayers already. It’s powerful but overwhelming!
This is MY NEW MISSION that I’ve referred to in previous posts. I KNOW that God has called me to this particular ministry. There is NO doubt in my mind. I rest in that. I have peace with that. However, I’m having a very hard time with how fast things are moving. BUT, I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I just didn’t expect to see Him working so soon and opening so many doors at once. I’m going to have to be careful with what I take on as I am still very much grieving my Baby Grady.
Speaking of him, I found out today one year ago that I was pregnant with him. It’s been a hard day.
I have had a hard time lately anyway. I feel myself starting to struggle much more emotionally than I was before. I was never OK. A better way to describe me was that I was better. But, I’m more sad and maybe even a little depressed. I think I’m entitled to that, though, don’t you think?
I think it’s a combination of the training and the mix of emotions in this new mission of mine. I have read that 4-6 months is particularly hard because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. Unfortunately, I’m finding this to be true.
I am SO excited about the opportunities in front of me. But the life I REALLY want is a life that I just can’t have. My new reality IS becoming evident and it becomes more and more real every day. I want my new reality and my new normal to be as I had imagined before that life-changing, awful, earth-shattering day of November 12th, 2008.
I really just want my Baby Grady here in my arms.
Love,
Tonya
In the first few weeks after Grady died, I was searching incessantly for a support group to attend. I read lots of stories online, but I so badly needed to be face-to-face with other moms who had lost their babies. Most of the groups were general grief groups or groups where people experience the loss of a child at any age. This just wasn’t what I was looking for. In my anger, it came to my mind that I should start a group. That I needed to be the agent of change for moms like me.
I feel that I need to give you a tiny bit of background about me. Because after all, what would qualify me to lead such a group?
First of all, I’ve personally experienced a lot of loss in my life. I think I explored this in previous posts, but if you missed it, I’ll tell you again. My dad died when I was 13. My grandparents died one by one between 1996-2003. We almost lost Emma Grace in 2003. I had a miscarriage in 2005. My mom died in 2007. Grady died in 2008.
Professionally, if you don’t know, I am a registered nurse. I have not worked in the hospital since 1998 and even then, I have only a short time of experience in the adult ICU. When Jessica was one, I became a Certified Childbirth Educator. For the past nine years, I have taught childbirth, breastfeeding, and infant safety/cpr classes. I also led a support group for new moms called Motherlore. I loved it. I was very sad to leave, but I just can't talk and teach about babies all the time now.
Now back to the present. The thought of starting a group remained in the back of my head. In January, as I drove across town to the only support group I could find that suited my needs, I met a wonderful woman who runs that group. I was talking to her and shared my desires and interest in starting a group. She agreed that there was a huge need in our area for an infant loss group. To make a very long story short, after emailing back and forth, her organization sponsored me to take an RTS Bereavement Training Course (hence my trip out of town last week). One point of important clarification: I did not ask for this training. She offered it. It literally fell in my lap. I knew it was from God and an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. I know it is very soon after Grady’s death, but it was the only training this year that was in driving distance, and I didn’t want to wait until next year.
RTS is a very credible and reputable organization in hospital-based bereavement programs. Dr. Joe (my OB) agrees that there needs to be some kind of group at the hospital to serve moms/families like us. Not just a stillbirth, but any perinatal loss – miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, death from prematurity, stillbirth, and death shortly after birth. This works in my favor as he is the Chief of OB! Can I just tell you once again what a wonderful person he is! He, too, is one of those God-sends in my life!
****Here’s where I feel like the space ship is taking off, and I’m standing in the trail of smoke left behind saying, “Wait for me!”
I had my yearly appointment with Dr. Joe on Monday. We talked some in his office and over lunch, and he feels it would be important and valuable if I would speak at an upcoming Performance Improvement meeting to present my ideas. Immediately my anxiety rose to levels far beyond the roof! I don’t like speaking in front of a bunch of people, especially a bunch of doctors. Don’t get me wrong. I want to do it! I’m just very anxious and nervous, and the meeting isn’t until April 15th!
Tuesday morning I emailed two of my friends at the hospital to ask some questions. I received a text that morning AND a call from Dr. Joe’s office telling me that there was a bereavement meeting that day at 2pm. Was I available? After scrambling for childcare, I WAS able to go. I was immediately put at ease as I saw some familiar faces from our 4 months in the NICU with Emma Grace. I thought I was just going to observe, listen and learn at this meeting. Nope. I am now a part of this committee and have been assigned to a sub-committee. This bereavement committee has been in place for the NICU for a very short time with some very big and much-needed goals. They are trying to expand it to reach Labor and Delivery at the hospital because that is where most fetal deaths occur. I really hope that I can be a voice for other moms who lose their babies!
Don’t ask God to use you if you’re not really ready for Him to! On my way to the training I asked the Lord to help me be attentive and learn as much as I could to reach out and help grieved families. On the way home, I prayed for Him to use me in such a way that would help people and bring Him glory. I’m seeing answers to these prayers already. It’s powerful but overwhelming!
This is MY NEW MISSION that I’ve referred to in previous posts. I KNOW that God has called me to this particular ministry. There is NO doubt in my mind. I rest in that. I have peace with that. However, I’m having a very hard time with how fast things are moving. BUT, I know God doesn’t make mistakes. I just didn’t expect to see Him working so soon and opening so many doors at once. I’m going to have to be careful with what I take on as I am still very much grieving my Baby Grady.
Speaking of him, I found out today one year ago that I was pregnant with him. It’s been a hard day.
I have had a hard time lately anyway. I feel myself starting to struggle much more emotionally than I was before. I was never OK. A better way to describe me was that I was better. But, I’m more sad and maybe even a little depressed. I think I’m entitled to that, though, don’t you think?
I think it’s a combination of the training and the mix of emotions in this new mission of mine. I have read that 4-6 months is particularly hard because the shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. Unfortunately, I’m finding this to be true.
I am SO excited about the opportunities in front of me. But the life I REALLY want is a life that I just can’t have. My new reality IS becoming evident and it becomes more and more real every day. I want my new reality and my new normal to be as I had imagined before that life-changing, awful, earth-shattering day of November 12th, 2008.
I really just want my Baby Grady here in my arms.
Love,
Tonya
Monday, March 23, 2009
Blindfolding My Children
Well friends, I'm very tired tonight but wanted to say a quick hello. Things are going well here. I haven't quite caught up from my trip and this week seems like it's getting away from me already...and it's only Monday!
I wanted to share a funny thing I did with my children last night. I don't know what made me do this, but it was great! I got my point across....
I get an organic produce box every other Monday. We never know what we're going to get in the box, and it's awfully fun to be creative with what you have. My friend, Amy Ellen, has helped me with this task. She's the one who introduced me to the box in the first place - thank you my friend!
In reading her blog, she made a quiche with some of her produce. Me, being the copy-cat that I am, followed suit. I tweaked her recipe just a little but it was delicious! It had kale, mushrooms, and onions, but instead of the parmesan cheese, I used marble cheddar. (I have not liked parmesan cheese since I was pregnant with Grady but loved it before - strange!)
Aanywhoo, I knew once my girls saw all of that green in the quiche they were going to have no part of it. They do pretty good with greens. They will both tear up a salad and love steamed broccoli, but other greens (except for green beans) they're not so sure about. I was frantically brainstorming how I was going to get them to eat this because I knew it was going to be yummy! Then it came to me....
Blindfold them!
So I did!
They were excited about our new "game". Gib brought in two of his t-shirts and wrapped them around their heads. We made them take a bite and both of them said, "Oooh, this is good!" Once Jessica saw all the green, she wasn't so sure anymore. Go figure! But she still ate most of her serving. However, Emma Grace didn't miss a beat! She tore that quiche up, had seconds, and asked for it again for dinner tonight. She was out of luck. Gib took the leftovers for lunch today, but I promised her I'd make another one later in the week.
I think I'll start blindfolding them more often just to introduce a new food/dish, at least those that I think they would like but don't like the looks. I want them to learn that looks don't always dictate taste. If this is how I'm going to have success, by blindfolding them, then so be it!
One more thing, if you feel so led, please pray for Baby Stellan. 
This is a baby who was not supposed to survive outside the womb but he was born a perfectly healthy baby. He became very ill over the weekend and he's in the hospital with serious heart problems. His momma, known as MckMama, is one of the most famous bloggers of all time. Prayer is exactly what they need right now. Thanks in advance!
Love,
Tonya
I wanted to share a funny thing I did with my children last night. I don't know what made me do this, but it was great! I got my point across....
I get an organic produce box every other Monday. We never know what we're going to get in the box, and it's awfully fun to be creative with what you have. My friend, Amy Ellen, has helped me with this task. She's the one who introduced me to the box in the first place - thank you my friend!
In reading her blog, she made a quiche with some of her produce. Me, being the copy-cat that I am, followed suit. I tweaked her recipe just a little but it was delicious! It had kale, mushrooms, and onions, but instead of the parmesan cheese, I used marble cheddar. (I have not liked parmesan cheese since I was pregnant with Grady but loved it before - strange!)
Aanywhoo, I knew once my girls saw all of that green in the quiche they were going to have no part of it. They do pretty good with greens. They will both tear up a salad and love steamed broccoli, but other greens (except for green beans) they're not so sure about. I was frantically brainstorming how I was going to get them to eat this because I knew it was going to be yummy! Then it came to me....
Blindfold them!
So I did!
They were excited about our new "game". Gib brought in two of his t-shirts and wrapped them around their heads. We made them take a bite and both of them said, "Oooh, this is good!" Once Jessica saw all the green, she wasn't so sure anymore. Go figure! But she still ate most of her serving. However, Emma Grace didn't miss a beat! She tore that quiche up, had seconds, and asked for it again for dinner tonight. She was out of luck. Gib took the leftovers for lunch today, but I promised her I'd make another one later in the week.
I think I'll start blindfolding them more often just to introduce a new food/dish, at least those that I think they would like but don't like the looks. I want them to learn that looks don't always dictate taste. If this is how I'm going to have success, by blindfolding them, then so be it!
One more thing, if you feel so led, please pray for Baby Stellan.
Love,
Tonya
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Saturday Randomness
I’m back! My trip was better than I expected. A BIG thank you to those of you who prayed for me. The second day was harder emotionally than the first, but all of it was great. The speakers were wonderful, and I met so many amazing people. I learned so much and have so many ideas and plans that I hope to see come to fruition in the future, both near and far. I am excited to see where God is going to lead me and how He is going to use me as a result of Grady’s short life and sudden death. I said before that I would much rather have him here. We all know that’s not possible. If I can’t have him, I might as well make the best of the situation.
I didn’t have quite as much down time on this trip as I thought. Like I said, I met some wonderful people and went to dinner with a few of them Thursday night. My family missed me a bunch. It’s so nice to know you’re loved and needed! I missed them too, and it was good to get home.
---------------
We had Emma Grace’s birthday party today. The fun started with a carousel ride and Chick-fil-A in the mall.
After lunch we pulled apart the monkey cupcake cake and opened presents.
We then headed upstairs to Build-A-Bear.
Here's the birthday girl rubbing the hearts under her hands on her cheeks so that her monkey could smile.
Her bear getting stuffed.
She and Jessica giving their monkeys a bath.
The finished product.
It was low-key, not very big and not very stressful. I think the girls had a great time. There were four other friends there besides my girls. I didn't post their pictures 'cuz I don't know if their mommas want them posted here :)
We stopped to get gas on the way home, and the Humane Society had dogs for adoption at the adjoining grocery store. We did NOT come home with one, but Jessica and Emma Grace fell in love with one named Jordan. He sat right down in Jessica’s lap and stole her heart. It was hard to pull them away, but we managed.
---------------
I have to share something that I’m very excited about. In case you don’t already know this, we live in a very small world. I was visiting a blog and came across someone else who had also experienced a stillbirth. I visited that blog and turns out that we live very close to one another. We’re hoping to meet in person this coming week. I think she’s a God-send and an answer to prayer. You know who you are.....I can’t wait to meet you!!!
---------------
Speaking of the blog world. I need help from fellow bloggers. Is there any easy way to get pictures to load exactly where you want them or do they always load at the top of your post? The pictures take me SO long to load and get exactly where I want them. Any suggestions to make this easier?????
---------------
I’m not sure what the rest of the weekend will hold for us. I know that I have some catching up to do around the house, but the weather is beautiful again. The girls are outside kicking around the soccer ball. They went to a soccer game Thursday night with a friend and now they’re both talking about wanting to play. Jessica played when she was five, but she wasn’t very good. Not because she couldn’t kick the ball. No....it was because she wouldn’t take the ball from anyone and kicked the ball to the other team! She was too nice. There's no telling what they'll be into come fall.
That's about all for now. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family and friends!
Love,
Tonya
I didn’t have quite as much down time on this trip as I thought. Like I said, I met some wonderful people and went to dinner with a few of them Thursday night. My family missed me a bunch. It’s so nice to know you’re loved and needed! I missed them too, and it was good to get home.
---------------
We had Emma Grace’s birthday party today. The fun started with a carousel ride and Chick-fil-A in the mall.
After lunch we pulled apart the monkey cupcake cake and opened presents.
We then headed upstairs to Build-A-Bear.
Here's the birthday girl rubbing the hearts under her hands on her cheeks so that her monkey could smile.
Her bear getting stuffed.
She and Jessica giving their monkeys a bath.
The finished product.
It was low-key, not very big and not very stressful. I think the girls had a great time. There were four other friends there besides my girls. I didn't post their pictures 'cuz I don't know if their mommas want them posted here :)
We stopped to get gas on the way home, and the Humane Society had dogs for adoption at the adjoining grocery store. We did NOT come home with one, but Jessica and Emma Grace fell in love with one named Jordan. He sat right down in Jessica’s lap and stole her heart. It was hard to pull them away, but we managed.
---------------
I have to share something that I’m very excited about. In case you don’t already know this, we live in a very small world. I was visiting a blog and came across someone else who had also experienced a stillbirth. I visited that blog and turns out that we live very close to one another. We’re hoping to meet in person this coming week. I think she’s a God-send and an answer to prayer. You know who you are.....I can’t wait to meet you!!!
---------------
Speaking of the blog world. I need help from fellow bloggers. Is there any easy way to get pictures to load exactly where you want them or do they always load at the top of your post? The pictures take me SO long to load and get exactly where I want them. Any suggestions to make this easier?????
---------------
I’m not sure what the rest of the weekend will hold for us. I know that I have some catching up to do around the house, but the weather is beautiful again. The girls are outside kicking around the soccer ball. They went to a soccer game Thursday night with a friend and now they’re both talking about wanting to play. Jessica played when she was five, but she wasn’t very good. Not because she couldn’t kick the ball. No....it was because she wouldn’t take the ball from anyone and kicked the ball to the other team! She was too nice. There's no telling what they'll be into come fall.
That's about all for now. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your family and friends!
Love,
Tonya
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Prayer Please...
Yes, it is Wednesday but there's no Wednesday's Walk for me this week. I am getting ready to leave town for a couple of days, and I didn't feel like I had time today to give it the attention that it would need.
I am extremely sore from the gym yesterday. I bailed on it this morning to get some last minute things done and to give my poor aching legs a rest. I don't have much time so this will be short and sweet.
I am going for some training to help me pursue my new mission in life (more to come...). I will be away from my family for only two nights, but it already feels like an eternity. This is not something that happens frequently in our home, and no one likes Mommy being away. Daddy will do a fine job taking care of the girls, and I have a couple of friends that will take good care of them, too. But still...
I do have to admit that I'm looking forward to being alone in my hotel room. Reading. Journaling. Watching tv. Whatever I want to do. That will be nice. But knowing me, I'm sure I'll be thinking about home and wishing I was here.
Please pray for me though. While I am very excited about the opportunity before me and its potential, I am also struggling more with losing Grady. I would much rather just have him here with me. If he were here, I wouldn't be going for training. I could just be his Mommy. Well, I am his Mommy, but you know what I mean... It's very bittersweet for me.
I hear the training is emotionally intense. Please pray that I will be able to get through it. Please pray for Gib and the girls while I'm gone that things will go well for them. Please pray for my safe travel. Please pray that God will use this training and Grady's short life for His glory. That's really what all of this is about...
I will not have a computer with me, so I'll be back with another post over the weekend! Thanks for the prayers! We'll "chat" again soon...
Love,
Tonya
I am extremely sore from the gym yesterday. I bailed on it this morning to get some last minute things done and to give my poor aching legs a rest. I don't have much time so this will be short and sweet.
I am going for some training to help me pursue my new mission in life (more to come...). I will be away from my family for only two nights, but it already feels like an eternity. This is not something that happens frequently in our home, and no one likes Mommy being away. Daddy will do a fine job taking care of the girls, and I have a couple of friends that will take good care of them, too. But still...
I do have to admit that I'm looking forward to being alone in my hotel room. Reading. Journaling. Watching tv. Whatever I want to do. That will be nice. But knowing me, I'm sure I'll be thinking about home and wishing I was here.
Please pray for me though. While I am very excited about the opportunity before me and its potential, I am also struggling more with losing Grady. I would much rather just have him here with me. If he were here, I wouldn't be going for training. I could just be his Mommy. Well, I am his Mommy, but you know what I mean... It's very bittersweet for me.
I hear the training is emotionally intense. Please pray that I will be able to get through it. Please pray for Gib and the girls while I'm gone that things will go well for them. Please pray for my safe travel. Please pray that God will use this training and Grady's short life for His glory. That's really what all of this is about...
I will not have a computer with me, so I'll be back with another post over the weekend! Thanks for the prayers! We'll "chat" again soon...
Love,
Tonya
Monday, March 16, 2009
Happy 6th Birthday to our "Emmazing Grace" (and the rest of her story!)
Happy 6th Birthday Emma Grace!
She had two celebrations today. The first one was at school, and the second was at home tonight after Mexican for dinner!
As promised, here is the rest of her “Emmazing” story. It turned out to be kind of long, so you've been warned! Click here to read the first part of her story.
After being on bedrest for 12 days, God decided it was time for us to meet Emma Grace. She was born on a Sunday morning, but let me back up two days to Friday morning.
They had given me a urinary cathether a couple of days after I was admitted to the hospital. Every time I would try to use the bedpan I couldn’t fully empty my bladder and felt like I was losing every little bit of amniotic fluid I had every time I tried. (By the way, I lost amniotic fluid every time I moved, but why move if you don’t have to? AND every time they did an ultrasound they couldn’t find any pockets of fluid, so I was literally leaking all that I was making. This is extremely not good for a developing baby's lungs) The perinatologist (high-risk doctor) came in to check on me that Friday morning. I told him that the catheter was starting to bother me. He asked how long I’d had it. I told him and he said (direct quote), “Well, we might as well take it out. The baby probably won’t make it anyway”. I was so hurt, shocked and angry that he just came out and said that. How insensitive? We had been praying so diligently for this baby and all we had was hope. I felt like he had just shattered everything I had been holding onto. (Another side note, when I was pregnant with Grady, I made darn sure that I did NOT see that man!). The catheter was also a potential source for infection, so it was taken out, and I was given a bedside commode.
Now that was an experience. Have you ever been in bed, off of your feet for any significant length of time? It had been 10 days for me. I was not prepared for what it would feel like to be up again. When I sat up for the first time, I felt like my head was falling backwards. It was hard for me to hold it up. When my feet touched the floor for the first time, it felt like I had prickles all over them. You know the feeling when your foot has been asleep and it’s “waking up”? Weird, I tell ya!
I had been monitored very closely for infection. I didn’t have any other signs other than my slowly increasing white blood cell (WBC) count. A new doctor, Dr. D, from my former practice came on call that Friday morning. He came in and talked with me. I had been on a heart medication called Procardia – not for heart problems. This medication has been shown to relax the uterine muscle and calm contractions. I had been on it as a preventative measure. With my WBC count rising, he said he wanted to see what my body was trying to do on its own. He didn’t want the medication to mask or prevent labor if infection was indeed starting.
That Saturday was a great day. Gib brought Jessica to the hospital. Since I had been there for a long time I had a nice high-risk room. It had a mini-fridge, microwave, nice tv, and dvd/vcr player. Jessica snuggled in the bed with me. We shared popcorn and a coke and watched 101 Dalmations. It was just what I needed – I had missed her so much. Short visits just weren’t the same as holding and cuddling her in my arms. She fell asleep, and I loved hearing and feeling her breathe next to me.
Sigh….
After she and Gib left the hospital, I started having mild cramps. I lost my mucous plug later that evening. I knew that wasn’t a good sign. I was able to sleep that night, but the cramping was getting stronger.
By 7:30 that Sunday morning, I was really feeling the contractions and suggested to my nurse that she put me on the monitor. My breakfast tray came, she put me on the monitor, elevated my head some and left the room. I ate part of a muffin, some cereal and some orange juice (this is important). Not long after, my nurse came back and said, “Your contractions are too strong. I have to take your tray and put you flat again. Do you feel like you need to empty your bladder?” I told her I would try because sometimes a full bladder can make contractions worse. This may be too much detail, but I’m giving it to you anyway… When I went to wipe, I felt something squishy. I knew immediately that something wasn’t right. I quickly got back into my bed and was about to push the call light for her to come back when she opened the door. I told her what happened and when she checked, her face fell and she said “I don’t like what I see”. “What is it?”, I asked. She said, “It’s your cord”.
This is NOT good, friends. I knew this from being a nurse and teaching childbirth classes. A prolapsed cord is where the cord has slipped through the birth canal before the baby. My cord was coming out. The reason this is so dangerous is because the baby can compress the cord and cut off his/her oxygen supply.
She pushed the call light and said, “We need Dr. D in the OR stat. We have a prolapsed cord and I need a sterile glove!”. Within seconds there were, no lie, ten nurses in my room. They let me quickly call Gib to tell him to get to the hospital, ASAP! My nurse was on top of me – literally! – pushing the cord back up while the other nurses ran me – literally! – down the hall and elevator to the OR.
I was amazingly calm. My nurse was wonderful. She was pushing the cord back up to keep the pressure of Emma Grace off of it. She was so reassuring – she kept looking at me saying, “I feel it pulsating”. That was what I needed to hear – Emma Grace was still getting oxygen. (Although we still didn’t know if she was a boy or girl at that time.)
Once in the OR, I began to get scared. There was total chaos and mahem around me. That’s when it hit me – I was going to have general anesthesia. When I asked that question, there was a unanimous “YES”. The anesthesiologist was slapping my wrist trying to find a vein for an IV. He said, very hateful, “So you ate breakfast?” I hesitated, but I told him what I had eaten. He shook his head and said, “You ate a full breakfast”. I understood his concern and the risk of me aspirating with general anesthesia if I were to vomit, but geez...I didn’t know this was going to happen! I looked around and asked if anyone in there prayed. One nurse looked at me and said, “Honey, we’re already praying.”
The last thing I remember is being told to take some deep breaths but feeling like I had 500 pounds of weight on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I was waving my hand to try to tell them, but nothing was happening. They were in such a rush that my lungs were paralyzed before I was under anesthesia. Scary feeling!
Things happened so quickly! I found the cord about 8:05, and she was born at 8:17! They didn't mess around!
When I woke up, I was being wheeled to the recovery room. I asked how my baby was doing. The nurse said, “You have a little girl and she looks like you”. I couldn't believe she could tell already.
Remember, I was only 25 weeks and 2 days. I remember them wheeling me into the NICU before I was taken to my postpartum room. She was so tiny! Her head was a little bigger than a tangerine, my wedding ring would have fit on her arm, and her eyes were still fused shut. She only weighed 1 lb. 13 oz. and was 13 inches long. But, she was big for her gestation. Dr. S, one of the neonatologists, kept questioning me about my dates to see if they were accurate. I knew they were. She was four days old here...
This is a picture of her preemie diaper.
I grabbed one of Grady's newborn size diapers and put it next to it for comparison. Also, my three fingers almost completely cover the diaper. Just hold up your three fingers and that's how small the diaper was - and it was too big on her!
She breathed on her own with some supplemental oxygen that first day – it’s called the “honeymoon phase” with preemies. Then she pooped out and had to be put on the ventilator. She stayed on the ventilator for 6 weeks!
I got to hold her when she was one week and one day old. I was SO scared! They taped her tubes to me, and she felt like a little bird against my skin. I had tried not to bond with her because I was afraid she was going to die. But, that’s just a bunch of nonsense. We are bonded with our babies during pregnancy, and I was certainly attached after holding her. It was a defense mechanism to try to protect myself. This was my first time holding my little miracle...
After a couple of weeks on the regular ventilator, she maxed out the settings. Dr. L suggested that we should put her on the high-frequency oscillator. I am forever grateful to him for this decision. This vent delivered oxygen into her lungs at a very fast pace – to the tune of 600-700 breaths per minute, kind of like a dog panting. This decreased the pressure on her lungs, and I’m convinced that between God’s mercy and this vent, she doesn’t have long-term lung damage today. Scar tissue, yes. Damage, no.
This is a picture of her at 6 weeks of age. She looks big but she was swollen from fluid. That is my hand on top of her. She stayed in this exact position for 5 days. They changed her diapers backwards and everything. They even had to move a larger crying baby away from her isolette one night because her oxygen levels would drop with the crying. She was then named “Princess Emma Grace” and even had a small tiara placed on top of her bed. (I wish I had a picture of that!)
Those things around her are sandbags that they would place on and around her to give her comfort because the ventilator would make her vibrate. Amazing!
It was a rocky road. Her lungs were VERY sick but amazingly she NEVER got an infection. She never had to be transferred to a different hospital and never had to have any surgeries. She developed retinopathy of prematurity and we thought she was going to have to have eye surgery. Literally from one week to the next, her vessels started straightening out and the eye specialist was amazed. I was blessed to have an abundant supply of breast milk to give her, and she never had anything else. I know that contributed to her growth and recovery as well.
GOD IS GOOD!
Fast forward 111 days (yes, almost 4 months!), and it was time to come home. She weighed a healthy 6 pounds and we were ready! I was a nervous wreck, but we had waited so long and weren’t sure if that day would ever come.
This picture was taken about a month before we were discharged.
She was born March 16th. She wasn’t due until June 27th. She came home July 3rd.
I know the nurses probably thought I was crazy but every time I visited I prayed over her before I left. Literally. I would cross my arms and lay my head down on the top of her isolette and pray over every body system. I would pray specific details. But I always said, “These are the desires of my heart, Lord, but let Your will be done”.
I would have to say that after all of that, it was His will that she live and be a part of our family. Thank you Lord!
This was the vellum on her birth announcement. Yes, you read it correctly. Those were her REAL footprints!!! Tiny, small, and perfect in every way!
Thanks for hanging in there with me again for another long post. I’m a very detail-oriented person and didn’t want to leave anything out. Although I did leave lots of things out, you get a good idea of what she/we went through.
And this is her today!
Six years old. Happy. Loving. Full of life. Spunky. Funny. Healthy. Beautiful. Smart. And an absolute ham for the camera! (Posing with a gift she received and the hair net from her field trip to Kroger today where they announced her birthday over the entire store - how fun!)
Did I mention that God is good? We are truly blessed!
Love,
Tonya
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Leapin' Lizard and a Chicken Child
I hate lizards! It's not just lizards, but anything that's not supposed to be a pet, ie. cat or dog. I don't like any kind of bug, spider, snake, rodent... Did I mention that I hate lizards?
When I was a child, I was away at summer camp. I might have been 10 or 11. I was extremely homesick and wanted nothing more than for my mom and dad to come get me. Well I got my wish, but not before I had an unexpected and unwanted bunk mate. Let me explain.
This was your typical summer camp. (I guess - it was the only one I went to!) We were sleeping on metal frame bunk beds with just a mattress and our sleeping bag on top. There were huge gray blocks that made the walls around us and at some point the blocks stopped and screen took over. I can't remember exactly, but I do remember that there were no solid walls, and I was as close to nature as I wanted to be!
I will never forget one night it was 'lights out', and I snuggled down into my sleeping bag.
(I have the heebie-jeebies already just thinking about it...)
I was NOT alone!
Something was crawling around my legs at a very rapid speed. In the midst of kicking and screaming, I could not get out of that sleeping bag fast enough!
And I was on the top bunk!
It was no longer lights out. It was screaming and chaos by the other girls, too, because they didn't know what was going on.
I had a lizard in my sleeping bag with me. He wasn't big. No, no. He was tiny. Kind of like this one.
Guess where this one was?
Yep! In our house!
Last night, after our nice family movie time on the sleeper sofa with a fire (Emma Grace couldn't stay awake, so she missed the excitement), Jessica and Gib were walking down the hall to her bedroom when Jessica stopped cold in her tracks. It was dark, with a little light from our bedroom, but she saw something. We turned the light on, and there it was.
YUCK!
Jessica was freaking out! ( Gib and I weren't jumping with excitement either!) She started crying that she was scared and promptly jumped, standing, onto the middle of our bed. This is a child who plays in the woods all the time, has held a lizard before and loves to catch crickets. I think she was so afraid because it was in our house.
We've never had a lizard in our house before, so Gib and I didn't quite know what to do. We had different ideas as to how to get it out. He shows up with a Target plastic bag and the mini dust pan and sweeper. He was going to try to 'sweep' the lizard into the Target bag and close it to dump him outside. His thinking was that he could close the bag and the lizard couldn't get out.
I didn't think that was going to work, and I sure as heck didn't want that thing loose in my house! I convinced him to get the mop bucket. Fortunately we live in a ranch house. He covered the lizard with the bucket and slowly scooted him toward the front door. I was armed with the dust pan to shoo the thing out the door if it tried to run back in. (Jessica was still standing on the bed!) The lizard's tail kept getting caught in the bucket. I felt a little bad, but not really. I just wanted him out!
We get to the front door, and Gib tries to scoop and throw it out the door. It landed back in the entryway, and I promptly took over with my mini dust pan. Turned out to be a good weapon! The lizard wasn't moving, but I was adamant to get it out!! I didn't whack it, just tried to scoop it up and throw it out. It took a couple of times, but it was finally outside.
WHEW!
We were sure it was dead because it didn't move. This morning when we showed Emma Grace before church, it was still there. I was going to try to get a better picture of it when we got home, but it was gone! I don't know if a cat came along and got it, or if maybe it was just in shock after what we put it through and the shock had finally worn off! I don't know, but that lizard disappeared somehow.
Good riddance!
_____________
I'm about to start working on the rest of Emma Grace's story for tomorrow. I can't believe she will be six! I have a really busy day tomorrow, so I might not get it posted until tomorrow night, but do check back! She is truly a miracle!!
Love,
Tonya
When I was a child, I was away at summer camp. I might have been 10 or 11. I was extremely homesick and wanted nothing more than for my mom and dad to come get me. Well I got my wish, but not before I had an unexpected and unwanted bunk mate. Let me explain.
This was your typical summer camp. (I guess - it was the only one I went to!) We were sleeping on metal frame bunk beds with just a mattress and our sleeping bag on top. There were huge gray blocks that made the walls around us and at some point the blocks stopped and screen took over. I can't remember exactly, but I do remember that there were no solid walls, and I was as close to nature as I wanted to be!
I will never forget one night it was 'lights out', and I snuggled down into my sleeping bag.
(I have the heebie-jeebies already just thinking about it...)
I was NOT alone!
Something was crawling around my legs at a very rapid speed. In the midst of kicking and screaming, I could not get out of that sleeping bag fast enough!
And I was on the top bunk!
It was no longer lights out. It was screaming and chaos by the other girls, too, because they didn't know what was going on.
I had a lizard in my sleeping bag with me. He wasn't big. No, no. He was tiny. Kind of like this one.
Guess where this one was?
Yep! In our house!
Last night, after our nice family movie time on the sleeper sofa with a fire (Emma Grace couldn't stay awake, so she missed the excitement), Jessica and Gib were walking down the hall to her bedroom when Jessica stopped cold in her tracks. It was dark, with a little light from our bedroom, but she saw something. We turned the light on, and there it was.
YUCK!
Jessica was freaking out! ( Gib and I weren't jumping with excitement either!) She started crying that she was scared and promptly jumped, standing, onto the middle of our bed. This is a child who plays in the woods all the time, has held a lizard before and loves to catch crickets. I think she was so afraid because it was in our house.
We've never had a lizard in our house before, so Gib and I didn't quite know what to do. We had different ideas as to how to get it out. He shows up with a Target plastic bag and the mini dust pan and sweeper. He was going to try to 'sweep' the lizard into the Target bag and close it to dump him outside. His thinking was that he could close the bag and the lizard couldn't get out.
I didn't think that was going to work, and I sure as heck didn't want that thing loose in my house! I convinced him to get the mop bucket. Fortunately we live in a ranch house. He covered the lizard with the bucket and slowly scooted him toward the front door. I was armed with the dust pan to shoo the thing out the door if it tried to run back in. (Jessica was still standing on the bed!) The lizard's tail kept getting caught in the bucket. I felt a little bad, but not really. I just wanted him out!
We get to the front door, and Gib tries to scoop and throw it out the door. It landed back in the entryway, and I promptly took over with my mini dust pan. Turned out to be a good weapon! The lizard wasn't moving, but I was adamant to get it out!! I didn't whack it, just tried to scoop it up and throw it out. It took a couple of times, but it was finally outside.
WHEW!
We were sure it was dead because it didn't move. This morning when we showed Emma Grace before church, it was still there. I was going to try to get a better picture of it when we got home, but it was gone! I don't know if a cat came along and got it, or if maybe it was just in shock after what we put it through and the shock had finally worn off! I don't know, but that lizard disappeared somehow.
Good riddance!
_____________
I'm about to start working on the rest of Emma Grace's story for tomorrow. I can't believe she will be six! I have a really busy day tomorrow, so I might not get it posted until tomorrow night, but do check back! She is truly a miracle!!
Love,
Tonya
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