It has been a long time since I've blogged...until today when I blogged about our trip to Colorado, that is.
It has been an especially long time since I blogged about anything really deep...the kinds of things that come from that deep, dark place inside of me. I used to be so good at sharing, but I've gotten really good a shoving those thoughts and feelings aside.
I don't really know why.
Maybe it's because I don't think many people read my blog anymore. Maybe it's because I think people just want to read "happy" stuff. Maybe it's because I think people simply just don't care anymore. But, for whatever reason, I don't blog about "deep" issues. But I'm about to...
I have some confessions. Don't ask me why I chose to do it tonight or why I chose to do it at all. Because the answer would be a huge and honest, "I don't know!". However, I was doing dishes tonight, and I felt like I needed to write out some confessions I've been keeping secret.
So, here goes...
*I started my own support group in February with Rock Goodbye Angel. This support group serves the area around the hospital where I delivered Grady. It is so important and special to me. But I'll be honest...I feel guilty sometimes that I'm so far removed from my loss and that my feelings aren't as raw as others' in the group. I know this is a good thing because I'm able to focus and help them through it. And, please don't get me wrong...I still tear up and get emotional at times because the raw pain and emotion is so evident. I remember those feelings. I still have them at times, and I'm thankful they come few and far between. But at times, I feel guilty for being where I am emotionally and wish everyone else could be there, too...
*Along those same lines, I have people in my support group who have had premature babies who have not lived. I struggle with feeling guilty, yet being so happy, that Emma Grace is alive and well today when their babies are not here with them. I don't know why Emma Grace lived at 25 weeks. I don't know why she not only lived but is so healthy with no problems from her prematurity. It is truly, simply a miracle. I don't know what God's will is for her life, but I give Him all the glory and know that I'm extremely grateful to have her here in my arms. I remember so clearly when we thought she wouldn't be. Unfortunately, that is the reality of some of the families I meet, and my heart absolutely breaks for them.
*I'm extremely sad that my child rearing days are over. I hear of people expecting babies and wish it was me. But then I remember how my body didn't agree with pregnancy (except with Jessica), even though I LOVED feeling the baby growing and moving inside of me. And then I remember the lack of sleep and how it really about pushed me over the edge after Matthew was born. But then I reason that it was extremely difficult because I was pumping AND trying to take care of him and that was why it was so hard. The truth, though, is that I'm done having biological babies, and I really am okay with that. Most of the time... Although I'm open to adoption if God lays it on mine and Gib's hearts one day.
*I'm super disappointed in myself. I started this year with some pretty big goals of getting in shape and running a half marathon by my 40th birthday in September. I started off really strong but fell off the wagon. Hard. I won't go into detail, but I've been dealing with some emotional "junk" and haven't been able to find my way back to the "happy" side of things yet. I don't have much motivation and seem to have a hard time doing anything really good for myself. My mind tells me one thing, but my body responds in a completely different way. SO FRUSTRATING! I don't blame anyone but myself because we are all in control of our choices, but still...I'm stuck!!! :/
*I am so torn between wanting to be home with Matthew and wanting to get a job. I still have the dream to be a perinatal loss coordinator in a hospital, specifically the hospital where Grady was born, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I've thought about trying to go into hospice. I've thought about being a NICU nurse. I've thought about going back to teaching breastfeeding and infant safety/cpr classes. But I've just thought about it. I tried to apply for one hospice job online and got so overwhelmed that I quit in the middle of it. Gib helped me get my resume together, but something is holding me back. I feel like I need to work, not only to help provide for our family financially but also to have something to call "my own". But, at the same time, I feel tremendous guilt over even thinking about leaving Matthew. I didn't leave the girls. Matthew has some special needs, and in some ways, I feel like he needs me even more. Grrrrr!
I have more things I could write about, but I'm honestly super sleepy and the bed is calling my name. If you made it this far, thank you. Hopefully I'll be back sooner than later!