Tonya Talk

Matthew - 18 Months

2012-01-16T18:09:00.011-05:00

I absolutely cannot believe our sweet Matthew is 18 months old today! It absolutely doesn't seem possible! Unfortunately, I can't post any real recent pictures because our camera is broken again. Grrrr! :/ But, I'll update you anyway.

He is very, very delayed which breaks my heart. There are certainly worse things in life, but it's very hard to see babies much younger than him doing so much more. And it's harder to see him want to do things that he physically can't do yet.

Physically he is progressing but very slowly. We still go to physical therapy every other week. We had been going every week until this week, but he seems to have hit a "wall". I continue to help him at home every day. He finally can get himself from laying down to a sitting position by pushing up with his left hand, but not his right. He still army crawls but has started to sporadically crawl on his hands and knees like normal. He pulls up on things pretty easily but always with his left foot in the lead and his right to follow. He cruises around the furniture and can walk behind a push toy. His right leg doesn't always cooperate and follow as it should, so I have to help it a little. We have some new tape to tape his leg so it is turned inward to help some when walking. He has just started to let go of things and stand for a couple of seconds before falling. He continues to prefer his left hand and mainly only uses his right when he has to. I do occasionally enforce some "forced use" therapy where I hold his left hand down and make him use his right. This does not make him happy!

We see the neurologist again in March. He had wanted Matthew's right heel to be evaluated by a pediatric orthopedic surgeon, so we have an appointment at Emory for that in February. He isn't saying he will have to have a heel-lengthening surgery. He just wants a baseline for future reference.

He isn't saying any true words yet...at least that we can understand. He jabbers all the time and converses back and forth with us. It does seem like he says "Hi" at times and "OK" but nothing definitive. At times it sounds like he says "Ummm" before he jabbers his language which is really cute. He says "Dadadada", "Mamamama" and "Babababa" but not appropriately. I think he calls Jessica "Guh" but again, we aren't sure. Emma Grace says her name from him is "Eh". He understands some simple commands which is encouraging. He knows where his most prized "lovie" is when I ask him, and he shares his pretend creations from the kitchen when I ask if I can have some. If I tell him to put a block in a box (for example) he can do that, too. His wheels are turning, and I continue to pray that he is neurologically and mentally intact. We just don't know the extent of the damage of that brain bleed, and we won't until he gets older.

Speaking of his head, Matthew was very sick at his 18 month well-check on January 16th, so it ended up being more of a sick visit instead. They did all his measurements and it didn't seem that his head grew at all since his 15 month check up. I measured it myself and it was bigger, but the pediatrician wants to measure his head every month for a while to be sure. I will know for sure about where his head plots and how much it has grown when we see the neurologist in March.

At 18 months, our little man weighed 25 lbs, 2 oz (40%), he was 32 1/2 in long (60%) and his head was 18 3/4 in (45%). Just three days prior to this visit he weighed 26 lbs but had lost a pound because of his sickness over that weekend. Also, when I measured his head, I got 19 1/4 inches. Who knows what's right or wrong and how much he weighs now! He is wearing 18-24 month clothes and size 4 diapers.

As for eating, he has all his teeth that he should have at this point, but he still struggles a bit. He doesn't like to eat veggies very well, so I'm very thankful for the veggie pouches that he will eat. He loves them and that's one way I can get some greens in him. He loves carrots if they are cooked in a roast and occasionally, if he's in the mood, he will eat some steamed carrots and peas. He gags on most everything else. :( At least he loves fruit with his favorites being bananas, strawberries, apples, and grapes. He likes mandarin oranges and pears on occasion, too. He would eat pizza or grilled cheese at every meal if I would let him. But, I don't, of course. He loves taco meat, avocados, black beans and spaghetti. Yogurt is a mainstay of his diet, too. He has just started to show interest in utensils, so I usually give him a spoon or a "spork" while he is eating. He puts food on it and takes the food back off to eat it. It's a start! Mostly he just loves to play with it and shove it in his mouth. The great news is that he is bottle free! He had his last bottle a couple of weeks ago. I was very sad to pack them up but elated to be done with them at the same time. He's really getting to be a big boy.

He goes in spurts with his sleeping. The last few nights have been great again with him going to bed around 7:30 and getting up between 6 and 7. He was getting up at 5am for a while which did not make this momma too happy. I'm not a morning person! He is still taking two naps, but I think he's about to switch to just one. That's a transition that I'm not looking forward to!

He has such a funny little personality! He loves to clap for himself over just about everything. He has the biggest smile that just melts my heart. He loves to play peek-a-boo and show you how big he is by raising his arms. However, he sometimes covers his ears instead of putting his arms up. I have no idea why! He has started showing his temper and voicing his opinion more loudly than ever. He has learned to arch his back and go limp when he doesn't get his way. He is very inquisitive as to any little change he sees or noise he hears. He likes to put things in something and take them back out, and he likes to pretend he's drawing or writing with a closed marker and some paper. He also loves to pull all the books all the shelves or the plastic containers out of the cabinets. He cries and pitches a fit for anything electronic, especially the girls' iPods and Jessica's iPhone. He still loves to play with the kitchen and loves to read books. His favorite books are "10 Little Ladybugs", "Wheels on the Bus" and "Five Little Monkeys". He tolerates "Goodnight Moon" but it's not his favorite. He loves to crawl into a room, close the door and play peek-a-boo. But he does not like it when he closes himself in! He loves to cuddle, especially when he's going to bed and waking up. He snsuggles into me and tucks his arms between us. And his open mouth kisses are still slobbery sweet...never can have too many of those! :)

Here are some of my favorite pictures of him from Christmas at 17 months old.

And, yes, he desperately needs his first hair cut SOON!

We love this little guy more than words can say! He makes our hearts happy and completely full of joy!

Love,
Tonya

Happy New Year, 2012!

2012-01-01T22:19:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year my long lost friends! I miss you...really, I do! I have such great intentions to blog. I just don't make the time to do it. Obviously. And I apologize for that. Especially to readers like my Aunt Barbara, who reads this to keep up with our family. So, in honor of the new year, I will do a little catching up for all of you...and myself, too.

***We have had a GREAT break for Christmas. I have totally enjoyed our whole family being home. Gib goes back to work tomorrow; the girls go back Tuesday. Matthew and I will be lonely for sure. I'm not sure what, if anything, is going on with Jessica and her friends, but she hasn't asked to do much at all over break. She spent two nights with a friend and had another over one night, but that's it. I have totally enjoyed having her home. I'm sure things will change once school starts back.

We were going to go to Colorado this past week, but we decided to wait until our break in February. Plane tickets were way too expensive and are way cheaper if we wait. Gib's brother, Arthur, recently bought a house on a ski resort (Copper Mountain) in Colorado, and we're going to go check it out. Should be fun! I can't tell you how absolutely wonderful it is to have reconciled with Arthur after not really speaking for four years. Feels like the family is "back together"! I'm not sure we will ever be as close as we once were, but it just feels great to be in touch again.

The girls have gotten along exceptionally well this Christmas break. They have shared and spent some great time together. Jessica hardly ever uses her room upstairs; she mainly sleeps with Emma Grace. They really need a bunk bed. But don't tell them I said that! :)

***Matthew continues to blossom every day. His personality is so funny, and he is such a love! He absolutely melts my heart when I pick him up, and he lays his head on my shoulder. He has developed a temper, though. Gone is the laid back baby I once knew. Here is the baby who pitches a fit when he doesn't get what he wants...and I wouldn't have it any other way! I need to do an update on just him VERY soon.

***I'm reading "The Help". Emma Grace gave it to me for Christmas. I have a hard time putting it down. I really wanted to read the book before seeing the movie because that's just the way I prefer it. I'm almost done, but it feels like these last 100 pages or so are taking me the longest to get through.

I'm turning over a new leaf tomorrow, and I'm blogging about it for accountability. I'm starting South Beach diet tomorrow and am committed to exercising regularly. I did South Beach before I got pregnant with Grady and lost about 15 lbs. I like the way it works and think it's a healthy approach to weight loss. I turn 4o this September, and I'm determined to run a half marathon before then. And, I would love to wear a bikini to the pool this summer! :) Gib's mother made the mistake of saying "You can't run" to me at Gib's 40th birthday dinner. That just added fuel to my fire!

I'm also going to be looking for a nursing job this year. I really need the extra money, but more than that, I need something to call my own. Gib never makes me feel like the paycheck he receives is his...always "ours". But, I've worked since I was 14 and only recently have I not been earning an income of any type. I taught childbirth, breastfeeding and infant safety/cpr classes until Grady died, and then I continued to work at the preschool. I need something. I am starting my own support group for perinatal loss in one week, but I'm not getting paid. The funding for my salary has not come in, so I'm doing that on a volunteer basis. I'm also determined to get better at using coupons. I may not get a lot of free stuff like the "extreme couponers" do, but at least I will be saving money!

***I apologize for no pictures tonight. I'm tired and don't feel like waiting on them to load. One of my goals for 2012 is to blog more, not only for you my readers/friends but for memories for my family.

Happy New Year! See you soon!

Love,
Tonya

Santa Visit, 2011

2011-12-15T05:43:00.009-05:00

One of my favorite local stores had Santa and Mrs. Clause visit last weekend for photos and a special time with the kids. To my GREAT surprise, Matthew didn't cry! He didn't smile either, but he didn't cry. I was amazed!

Here he is checking out Santa before his turn.

Emma Grace looked thrilled, huh? She sat this way the whole time she was talking to him with a little smirk on her face.

Jessica was somewhat big for Santa's lap, but she sat there and told him what she wanted. It didn't seem to bother her one bit to be surrounded by children many years younger than her. (It seems crazy to write that..."many years younger"...she is growing up so fast!)

Matthew was very interested in Mrs. Clause for their group picture, and no matter how hard I tried, he wasn't taking his eyes off of her!

And while we're talking about Christmas, here's a picture of my favorite little Rudolph. She and Jessica had a "make over" session with make up and a little face paint. Love it!

Hope to be back sooner than later!

Love,
Tonya

Grady's Third Birthday

2011-11-12T20:40:00.020-05:00

Today, we celebrated Grady's 3rd birthday. It seems like more than three years ago that I said hello and goodbye to him...

Jessica loves Matthew, and I know she would have been a great big sister to Grady, too.

Jessica had an elaborate day planned for us to go to MeMe's house in Dahlonega and spend the day. But, unfortunately, MeMe hasn't been feeling well, so we went to plan B. And it turned out perfectly!

The day started out great when, at 6am, Gib told me to stay in bed and rest, and he got up with Matthew. It was so nice to doze. I got up around 8am because I heard Matthew screaming. He had fallen but was okay. I got him down for a nap and went BACK to bed! I didn't get up till 10am!'

We took our time this morning and didn't leave home until about 1:30pm. We stopped and got some balloons to release, along with some subs, chips and drinks for a picnic. We went to a park called Little Mulberry Park. It has a 2.2 mile walking trail around a lake. The leaves were pretty but had changed so much since I was there just a few days ago.

Not long before we got there, the blue skies turned to gray and the sun hid behind the clouds. This made it a little cooler than we would have liked, but it wasn't bad. After our picnic, the girls rode their bikes along the path, while Gib, Matthew and I walked behind them.

After one time around the lake, we took a restroom break, changed Matthew and got our balloons. We found the perfect spot on a dock where the leaves were beautiful.

I was hesitant to release them there because there was a man fishing with his dog on the other side of the dock. He turned out to be very friendly (more about him in a minute). I really wanted to ask him to take our family picture but he had fish and bait all over his hands, and I really didn't want them on my camera! :) So, Gib took the pictures.

As we released the balloons, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Grady. We watched them float high in the sky. They stayed together for a while but then four of them made a straight line while the fifth one drifted off to the left by itself. Gib said, "Maybe Grady is reaching for that one." :)

After we released them, the man who was fishing said, "That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced." I told him it was for our baby in heaven who would be three today, and he said, "Man", while putting his head down and shaking it. I told him not to be sad, but to take it as a reminder to not take one minute for granted and to be thankful for what he has. We wished him luck with his fishing and his fish fry, and off we went. I can't help but think that maybe he needed to be part of our "Grady moment" today...

As the girls got back on their bikes (they wanted to go around one more time), Gib started running while pushing Matthew in the stroller. I wasn't going to be left behind, so I started running, too. Very soon after I started running, I thought my legs would fall off. I told Gib I was shooting for half a mile. Half a mile came and went. I RAN TWO MILES!!! Gib was cheering me on and saying I was doing it for Grady and that motivated me so much. But, Jessica and Emma Grace motivated me even more.

You see, Jessica has just started basketball cheerleading and has learned a few cheers. Those two girls changed the words to one of her cheers for me, and at every mile marker they chanted, "Come on mighty mama, you know what to do, you gotta rock with the baby and roll with the kids". It so doesn't rhyme, but it meant SO much to me! They were so excited to see me coming up to each mile marker, and I would tell them to go. Off they would go to the next. I really wanted to run three miles for Grady's third birthday, but Matthew was D.O.N.E.! He had completely missed his afternoon nap, we were out of snacks and he was ready to go. I wasn't going to put him through more torture so I could do another mile. But, now...I'm ready to run again! Hopefully this is the start of something new! :)

Proof!

Here I am at the end of my two miles. I might not be able to walk tomorrow, but I did it!

It was worth it to see how proud my family was of me, and I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself. I haven't run in years!

Along our path, a bunch of ducks crossed our path. I had to stop and jog in place because I knew if I stopped I wouldn't start again. On our way home, a buck crossed our path. How often do you see a buck??? And on a different road, another deer crossed in front of us. We took those as signs from Grady, especially the buck!

We ventured home and Jessica was such a huge help. While Emma Grace and I went to the store and to get Chinese for dinner, she fed Matthew dinner and bathed him for bed. After Matthew was down, the girls and I made a cookie cake for Grady. It was super easy and delicious! I used the wrong tip for writing on the cookie but it turned out okay. We lit candles, sang and dug in!

This day was exactly what it was supposed to be. And it was beautiful! I am so thankful for the cards I received in the mail from my brother and his family, Aunt Barbara, Mary Beth and MeMe. I'm so thankful for the phone messages I received. I am so thankful for my friends who posted about Grady on their facebook page. And, I'm so thankful for all my friends who left sweet comments on my facebook posts. It means the world to me that people remember and honor our sweet Grady with us. His life means so much to so many and that's exactly the way I want it!

Dear Grady, We had a wonderful day celebrating you today. I told Daddy that I could see you on a big wheel or a bike with training wheels trying to catch up to your sisters around the lake. I know you would have loved the cookie cake we baked you, and you would have loved the Bob the Builder card MeMe sent you in the mail. It was decorated with stickers and everything. I will put that and your other cards in your memory box and keep them forever. Your life was not in vain. I try everyday to give your short life meaning and make you proud as you look down on all of us. I know you celebrated today with Granny and Popaw Barry, along with all of your other relatives there with you. Or did you celebrate yesterday? I often wonder if there is a celebration on the day you entered those pearly gates... Either way, we miss you here. We wouldn't wish you back now that you've been there...instead we look forward to the day when we are there with you forever! We love you SO much! (((HUGS))) and KISSES to you in heaven! Mommy

(And I forgot that I rode Jessica's bike, too! That's me in the pink jacket.)

Love,
Tonya

3 Years. Nothing New.

2011-11-11T22:00:00.009-05:00

It's 10pm, and I sit here alone. Gib, Matthew and Emma Grace are asleep. Jessica has a friend over, and they are upstairs watching a movie. I'm sitting in front of this computer wishing for something new to write about Grady, but there is nothing. It is so much fun to reflect on Matthew and his growth, to see the girls growing and changing and experiencing life in so many ways.

But, there's nothing new to write about Grady.

And I so wish there was.

How big he would be. What he loved to eat. His favorite toys/games, etc.

But there's nothing.

Nothing but those "wondering thoughts" I wrote about a long time ago, only a couple of years older.

I sit here and can't help but think back to this day/night three years ago.

Would I have done anything differently?

I don't know.

Knowing what I know now, maybe.

Probably.

But I can't change the past. As much as I wish I could, I can't.

Or do I?

Do I really wish I could change the past?

I don't know.

It's still very hard for me because I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Matthew. And I know for a fact that if Grady had lived, Matthew would not be here. Some are quick to say, "You don't know that!"

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Because Gib was going to get "neutered" after Grady and our family was going to be complete.

Matthew would not be here.

But, oh how I long for both of those boys to be here with me! It's so hard to put it into words. So hard, in fact, that I can't. I really can't describe it. Just like I really can't describe how awful and tragic it is to have your child die inside of you. Unfathomable. Unless, of course, it happens to you. Then it becomes your reality.

And you just have to learn how to deal with it. How to incorporate it into your life. Like it or not, it's a part of you forever. And you make the best of it. And you pull at straws for your baby's life to have meaning here on earth.

Grady went to heaven three years ago today, around 4:30 or 5:00pm. I sure hope there was a celebration in heaven today. Three years. That's 1,095 days. Wow!

I tried to find our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer today. I got his address from his website and went on the hunt for him. Imagine my surprise when his "office" was his house! There was a suite number in his address, so I thought it was an office park. Nope. There was a car in the drive, but after ringing the doorbell twice, no one came to the door. I left his cream cheese frosted pumpkin spice muffins on the door with a thank you note and one of Grady's announcements. I hope he sees them. I just wanted to thank him for the priceless gift he gave our family with the pictures of Grady.

I'm not sure how we will celebrate Grady's birthday tomorrow, but I will do my very best to blog about it. Thanks for listening to my rambling. That's what I feel like it is. Rambling. Because I've said the same thing 1,000 times before...

Love,
Tonya

Matthew. 12 - 15 Months.

2011-10-28T10:58:00.045-04:00

Never, ever did I imagine that I would be this far behind on my blog. Seriously?!? Where does the time go?!?

Sweet Matthew is now 15 1/2 months old. I cannot tell you what a love he is. He is just a ~~lot~~ little spoiled and brings such joy to our family. I will do my best to make this post as easy to read and follow as I try to play catch-up on our little man.

~12 Months~

*He celebrated his first birthday in the Bahamas, which I posted about right here. It was a great celebration with great memories for sure.

*We also had a birthday party here at home on July 23, 2011. I want to post all about it, but here are some pictures from that day.

*He was still eating a great variety of pureed fruits and veggies, with the only real "solid" food being Gerber Lil' Crunchies. He was still on formula, getting five bottles a day, while learning to drink water from a sippy cup.

*Right before we left for the Bahamas he decided to start army crawling. So much for containing him on vacation! He had a great time perusing around our hotel suite on his belly.

*He was still sleeping great! Two naps a day, totaling 3-4 hours and 10 - 11 hours at night.

*At his 12 month well-check, he weighed 23 lbs. 8.5 oz (65th%); was 24 3/4 in. (50%) and his head was 18 1/2 in (70%). He was wearing mostly 12 month, but some 18 months, clothes.

~13 Months~

*This is the only picture I have of him alone for the month of August.

*I really can't think of anything huge that happened at this age for him except that we continued to try new foods and get better with the sippy cup. We also worked on physical therapy stuff, trying to crawl on his hands/knees and start pulling up.

*On September 3rd, he pulled himself up on the sofa, which I blogged about here. He was 13 1/2 months old. It was such a huge accomplishment for him! And just like my post said, I cried. I was SO proud of him!

~14 Months~

*September 19, 2011. Supposed to be napping but pulled himself up in his crib for the first time instead.

*I wrote the following in a "Tidbits" post, and I'm so thankful I did. It really is hard to remember...

--He has mastered pulling up and is learning to get himself back down. He is learning to wave and immediately claps for himself after he does it. He is cutting his molars, and the bottom two have broken the skin. He loves to eat and feed himself...I'm happy to report that he's doing well with that. He also loves his sippy cup, and I hope to have him off the bottle soon. He army crawls fast as lightning and climbed the stairs the other day with very little help. So happy and thankful for his progress. Still a long way to go, but thankful for how far he has come.

*These were taken on my birthday, September 10. This is one of our favorite expressions he makes.

~15 Months~

*Well, 15 1/2 months now to be exact, but that's okay. We're caught up as best we can be!!!

*At his 15 month well-check, Matthew weighed 24 lbs. 3 oz (40%), he was 31 1/2 inches long (65%) and his head was 18 3/4 inches ( 65%). He had dropped some in his weight but had gained in his length. He works so incredibly hard to do what he does, I think he just burns a lot of calories. He is a great eater, though! He's down to two bottles a day, one in the morning and one at bedtime...I'm hoping to have him strictly on a sippy cup soon. He loves whole milk and would drink it all day if I would let him...which I don't!

*He now has his upper and bottom molars and is actually cutting his "eye" teeth...poor baby. He's such a trooper!

*He has learned to give me hugs. They melt my heart! I call them "sweet love" when he gives them to me. When he puts his head on my left shoulder, he just hugs. When he puts his head on my right shoulder, he pats my back or arm. He will go from one side to the other. And if I had my way about it, they would be never-ending!

*He also gives kisses...selectively...when he wants to. They are the open-mouth, slobbery kind. Is there any other? Love them!

*He has some shoes that he's not real fond of. They are white high tops from Stride Rite. They didn't come in brown or navy, and his therapist really wanted the support of the high tops. He does feel more stable in them and will actually take a few steps when holding onto a push toy or our hands. He still can't stand alone, and he has a long way to go before he walks.

*He absolutely adores both of his sisters, but he's particularly drawn to Jessica. I think it's because she's a bit bigger than Emma Grace, but who knows. He will almost jump out of my arms to get to her. Sweet!

*Matthew and Emma Grace will often play a game of give-and-take in the car. Their seats are next to each other, and they will pass a toy or book or his lovie back and forth. They both giggle and smile the whole time. Music to my ears!

*He loves to play the grunting game with his Daddy. Maybe I should call it the yelling game. They go back and forth and often get louder as they go. And, of course, he loves to rough house with him, too.

*I can't pinpoint a for sure first word from him yet. He says something that sounds like "good". Gib heard him say "uh oh" the other night. He will sporadically say "Mama" and "Dada" but not intentionally enough to call it a first word. He does mumble and jabber all the time, though, so I think it won't be too long before he starts saying something we can understand. He loves to shake his head "no" and has started saying "uh uh" while doing it if he doesn't want something. He understands a few questions like, "Where is Buddy?" and "Give it to Mommy".

*He loves to play with our kitchen set, but the unfortunate thing is that he has pulled it onto himself a couple of times. Since he doesn't get down gracefully from standing, he sometimes forgets to let go of what he's holding onto when he plops on his bottom. He loves to open and close the microwave door and take things in and out of it.

*He loves to crawl to the TV, pull himself up and bang on it...not good!

*His other favorite toy is Emma Grace's pink Barbie jeep. He rolls that thing all over the house, army crawling after it.

*His favorite things to eat these days are bananas, blueberry waffles, grilled cheese, grapes, applesauce, yogurt, and fruit/veggie pouches. He isn't too fond of green veggies these days, so I get those organic veggie pouches to get some of those vitamins in him. He can take or leave a sweet potato. Gags on broccoli and green beans. Loves pizza and some mexican dishes. And loves to feed his leftovers to Buddy (who just so happens to hang out under his highchair at meal time!). His all-time favorite snack is Gerber Lil' Crunchies, Veggie Dip flavor. He LOVES them!

*These were taken on his 15 Month Birthday.

*I couldn't resist a naked baby shot. He will hate me for these one day, I'm sure!

*For Halloween this year, he was sick. :( He had a cold and later in the week developed croup. He dressed up in a hand-me-down Honey Pot costume from his sisters. He was already in his jammies here and went to bed straight after pictures. Maybe next year he will get to go Trick-or-Treating with his sisters.

That's all I can think of for now. I started this post a while ago and am just finishing and posting it on November 10, 2011. He will be 16 months old in just a few days. I seriously gotta get better at finding time to blog! Thanks for reading and God bless!

Love,
Tonya

October 15th Remembrance Event

2011-10-12T21:10:00.003-04:00

It's down to crunch time for the Candlelight Remembrance Event with Rock Goodbye Angel this coming Saturday, October 15th. If you are local and have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, or you know someone who has, please visit the website at www.rockgoodbyeangel.org to register. You may call 770-331-1281 to register as well. The sooner the better! We want to make sure we have enough food for everyone and be able to email a free parking pass to the event.

This will be a beautiful time of fellowship with other bereaved families, along with a special time to honor your baby. If you are able to attend, please find me and introduce yourself. I always love connecting with new friends! But watch out, I love to talk! :)

Love and blessings!
Tonya

Tidbits from T

2011-09-27T09:19:00.008-04:00

It's been a while! Thought I would update y'all on some happenings in our lives.

***I've been procrastinating on doing Matthew's 12 month post. And now I have to do 13 and 14 months too. He will be 15 months soon. Should I just give up? NO! My hold up has been pictures. The pictures from the photographer from his party are too big to load on blogger. She told me how to re-size them, but I can't do it on my computer. I have to do it on Gib's computer and then get the pictures on my computer somehow. I just haven't carved out the time to do it. And the more time that passes, the more angry I'm getting with myself. Grrrr.

Matthew is sick again. His cold moved to his chest and turned into an ear infection. So, antibiotics and breathing treatments are temporarily the norm for us again. Fortunately, he has been sleeping well, but his chest sounds very junky, and I'm hoping it doesn't turn into pneumonia.

He has mastered pulling up and is learning to get himself back down. He is learning to wave and immediately claps for himself after he does it. He is cutting his molars, and the bottom two have broken the skin. He loves to eat and feed himself...I'm happy to report that he's doing well with that. He also loves his sippy cup, and I hope to have him off the bottle soon. He army crawls fast as lightning and climbed the stairs the other day with very little help. So happy and thankful for his progress. Still a long way to go, but thankful for how far he has come.

***Jessica and Emma Grace are both enjoying gymnastics. They were practicing their moves last Tuesday night after getting home and Emma Grace's bottom lip met Jessica's knee cap. Yep, busted swollen lip for her. I know it hurt!

Jessica's social life has taken off. We don't see her much on the weekends. She prefers to go to her friends' houses because it is more quiet. I understand that , but we miss her! I've made a rule for no sleepovers on Saturday nights, though.

Uncle Arthur and Aunt Shannon in Colorado offered to fly the girls out next week for their fall break. It was such a sweet offer and a very appealing one for the girls. But they are not ready to fly alone and will be staying home. I sure wish Gib had fall break so we could take off close by for a few days!

***Gib's school and work load have decreased significantly for which we are so grateful. He comes home earlier, and we get so see him and spend much more time with him. He is only taking one class this semester at UGA and only has one next semester and then he will be done. Whoo Hoo!

***Gib and I got to go to another GA football game a couple of weeks ago. Now another friend has offered us their tickets for the game this weekend. This is CRAZY to me! We haven't been to a GA game in years and now we might be going to our third game this year! I just have to see if I can arrange childcare for the day. I hoping Jessica might want to go with her dad. I would love to go but she has wanted to go to a home game, too. We'll see.

***Our biological family is now officially complete. We recently closed that chapter of our lives. We are not opposed to the possibility of adoption in the future, but we are excited to see what the future holds. I will admit that I was very sad and struggled emotionally because I'm a baby-lovin' fool! I would have one or two more if my body would do it (and if my husband agreed, of course!). But deep down I knew the best thing for our family, and for me physically, was to close that door and move forward.

***I'm still working with Rock Goodbye Angel. I'm still on a volunteer basis until the funding for my part-time salary comes in. I would absolutely do this work for free because it's about the mission, not the money. But the bottom line is that I need some extra money! I would rather get paid to do what my heart desires than be paid just to do a job. We have a dinner and candlelight service planned for October 15th which is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. If you are local and are interested, please visit the website above (or call) to register for your free dinner and parking pass to the event. Or if you would like to donate to the event or organization, you can do that, too! :)

***This precious baby boy has captured my heart. His name is Tripp, and he is an amazing little drummer. I cannot imagine what he and his mommy go through every day. I just pray for them. Will you, too?

Sorry no pictures today. :( I've got to shower while Matthew is napping.

Love,
Tonya

That Time Again...

2011-09-08T21:16:00.005-04:00

Yes, it's that time again.

There isn't a day of my life that I don't think about Grady. Especially now that Matthew is here, I wonder all things little boy and what could have been with him.

But the weather here has changed significantly in the last few days. There is a chill in the night air and the days are less humid and much cooler.

And it always makes me think of Grady. It has been almost three years since he went to heaven. Three years. Wow!

It had been a long, hot summer of being pregnant with him in 2008, so when the weather turned cooler, I was ever-so-thankful. And since the weather is doing the same now, my mind can't help but "go there".

Back to my pregnancy with him. Back to all the dreams we had of our first little boy. Back to the joy and anticipation of what it would be like to bring him home.

But none of that was meant to be. His time on this earth was short. Way too short in my opinion.

Emma Grace had to do a time line for school, and it is due tomorrow. We put a significant event from every year of her life on the time line, and she was adamant that Grady be the "event" for 2008. God love her...she has a picture of her baby brother who is not alive on her time line. She insisted that it be an "in color" picture, not a black and white. We chose, in my opinion, the best color picture of him since his right cheek was so bruised from the pressure of him being in the same position so long.

It warms my heart and makes me so happy that she thinks about him and remembers him as part of our family like she does. But, she had to remind me tonight as we were putting the picture on that she never got to see him. Grrrrr. That will forever be a regret, until the day I die. Literally. The fact that I didn't give these girls of mine the chance to see their first baby brother in person breaks my heart. But we thought, at the time, that we were doing the right thing. Hindsight really is 20/20.

And speaking of this, a good friend of mine is a teacher at Jessica's school. She has Jessica in a special group they have, and they were playing an ice breaker game called "Truth or Lies". Jessica said she had three siblings. Everyone said it was a lie. Apparently Jessica smiled and said, "No, that's the truth".

I remember after Grady died how worried I was that he would be forgotten. I can honestly say that he will never be forgotten in our immediate family. His name gets brought up, almost on a daily basis, around here. And it makes me smile.

He is my first boy. My third child. My angel waiting in heaven for me. The rainbow in the sky after a storm and the butterfly that flies in front of me. He is the reason that I have a heart for hurting people. He is one of the many reasons I look forward to heaven. Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

It's that time of year again.

And I miss him.

*If you read this tonight or tomorrow morning, Matthew has a check up with the neurologist tomorrow (Friday). If you would say a prayer that the appointment goes well, that would be wonderful. Thanks!*

Love,
Tonya

The Disrepair Funnies

2011-09-06T21:48:00.003-04:00

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this tonight. It's something light-hearted and easy and funny. To me at least.

This past weekend, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and niece and nephew came to visit. They live in Colorado and came for a long weekend. They spent the first part of their visit with my in-laws and finished their stay with us. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized how much our house is in disrepair and is in need of serious attention.

It started with the fact that we gave them our bedroom because it is the coolest at night...because our A/C unit is not cooling properly. (Despite the service in July where all things checked out just fine. Thank goodness cooler weather is here and we can hold off till next summer!)

As I offered Shannon (my sister-in-law) some water, I said "I'm sorry I don't have any ice, our ice maker is broken". (Fortunately we have a Brita water filter pitcher so the water was at least cold!)

We explained that the missing shingles on the roof were torn off during a storm in June. (Guess we should get on that! We have made some calls but not followed through very well).

As they were settling into our room, I showed them where our laminate is pulling away from our baseboards. It is literally shrinking and in some places has made a big bump. I didn't want the kids to trip going to the bathroom.

I also had to explain that the lamp on my nightstand was broken. Emma Grace knocked it off a long time ago and it hasn't worked since. (Yes, I tried replacing the light bulb!)

As one of them went to the trash can and placed their foot on the pedal to raise the top, I had to say, "Sorry, it's broken. You have to lift the lid."

Sunday morning as Shannon went to get coffee, I told her I would pour it because the lid to my coffee pot was broken.

I feel like I'm leaving out something that is broken in addition to all of this, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is. I find this hilarious. I've gotten used to all of these things and have just learned to live with them. But, I must admit that I was a little embarrassed at all the explaining I was having to do. I know they don't care, but it was a definite eye opener for me.

Time to start a honey-do list!

We had a great time with their family this weekend. It was too short, though. We hope to see them again soon!

Love,
Tonya

Follow Up Post...Special Needs

2011-09-04T20:21:00.004-04:00

I don't have much time to blog tonight as Gib's brother and his family are here for their last night. But while the kids are getting a bath, minus Matthew who has been in bed for a while already, I wanted to share with you Matthew's latest achievement.

He pulled himself up yesterday on the sofa.

And I cried.

And I must add that he was trying to get Jessica's iPod. I think it's funny that he's already motivated by electronics :)

He only needed a small nudge by big sister, Jessica, the first time and was then able to do it on his own the next 4 or 5 times. It makes me so happy to see our hard work paying off. It takes him so long to build the strength to do something like this, and it feels like it will never happen. Then he "gets it" and takes off with it. He is certainly unsteady and we lend him a hand when, and if, needed. I can't wait to go to physical therapy this week and show his therapist.

Just wanted to share and have this milestone documented. Thanks so much for your comments and emails and most of all your prayers for Matthew and our family!

Love,
Tonya

Special Needs

2011-09-01T22:17:00.006-04:00

To look at our little Matthew, you wouldn't know anything was wrong with him. It's not until you spend time with him and watch him maneuver around that you find things a little "off". So many of my friends comment on how "normal" he looks.

And he does to the untrained eye.

He also looks "normal" until I tell people he's 13 months old and answer their question of whether he's walking or not by telling them he's not pulling up by himself yet and is nowhere near walking. Shoot, he can't even get himself from lying down to a sitting position!

But, we are working on all of these things.

Daily.

Some days I have more time to work with him than others. If I could, I would spend my entire day on the floor with him, but other parts of life must be taken care of. And the truth is, it wears him out when we do serious physical therapy work. It makes him use muscles that he's not accustomed to using, and he gets very frustrated with himself and me.

And it wears on my momma-heart.

I so badly want him to be able to do things that babies his age, and even younger, can do. I don't want him to be teased. I don't want him to be "different". But the truth is that he is going to be "different". To what extent, we just don't know yet.

And I'm finally starting to absorb that truth.

I've known it all along, but lately, seeing how far behind he is and how slow he's progressing, it is becoming more clear to me. Matthew is a "special needs" baby. His needs are not as great as many others in the world. And believe you me, I count my blessings for that each and every day. But if we're all honest, we don't want our children to be "different" at all. We don't want them to struggle. Life is hard enough, and kids are mean enough, without throwing in a disability on top of things.

No one will make any firm predictions about his future. I believe he will eventually walk, but he might be two or three years old before that happens. He very well may need to wear a brace on his right leg, which the physical therapist has already talked about. He rolls his right foot in when standing and turns it out when army crawling.

Through all the heartache that his physical challenges bring, it also brings so much love to my heart for him. He has no idea that he's any different from anyone else at this point in his sweet, innocent, young life. And I love that! He just loves life and we love him!

But I also cannot tell you how much I rejoice in the smallest progress that he makes. Something that so many parents just take for granted. If he feeds himself with his right hand instead of his left, I'm clapping and making a huge fuss over it. If he stands with just a small nudge on his behind instead of a big lift, I'm praising him for that, too.

I'm definitely his biggest cheerleader and rejoice in the smallest improvement. He is moving in the right direction, slowly but surely. I just have to remember to be patient. I remind myself how much worse things could be. And in the scheme of life, his disability or "special needs" really isn't that bad.

Do I wish things were different? Sure. I would be lying if I said no. But they aren't, and I'm trying to embrace that I am the mother to a "special needs" child. And from what I've heard and read from other parents to these special little ones, he will bless my socks off in ways that I could never imagine!

We love him no matter what!!!

Love,
Tonya

A Divine Appointment

2011-08-29T09:52:00.006-04:00

I went to a "Service of Remembrance" yesterday at the hospital where Grady (and Emma Grace and Matthew) were born. Grady was not being honored, but I was invited and chose to attend. I went simply to support the families of the babies who were being honored. It is complicated to describe exactly what this ceremony was about, but I'll do my best.

Until recently, and with many hospitals, when a pregnancy is lost in the early weeks the only option for the "fetal remains" is "hospital disposal". I hate both of those terms in quotes, by the way. Through the efforts of the bereavement committee and a few key individuals, they are now able to offer something more. Families may choose to have the baby cremated with other babies at a funeral home and have the ashes buried together in the memorial garden at the hospital. Yesterday was the first remembrance ceremony to honor those babies.

There was a good turnout of families, and I sat next to a lady who was instrumental in getting this put into action. I noticed someone's keys and program were in the seat to my right, and when the lady sat down, I made sure to ask if she was saving that seat for anyone else. She said no.

I continued talking to the lady to my left and finally introduced myself to the lady to my right. We had a short conversation as she was too upset to talk. The chapel began filling, and I was afraid they weren't going to have enough seats. I looked at the lady to my right, we'll call her "K", and told her that I was going to go stand in the back because I wanted someone else to have the seat if they wanted it. To my surprise, she said something like, "Oh you can stay next to me and be my support. I'm here alone and am not doing very good".

So I did.

I put my arm around her and gave her a little squeeze and told her I would stay and support her. Through our conversation that followed, I was amazed by the details of everything that happened surrounding her baby's death. The ceremony was the first thing she had done to recognize her loss, and she said she felt like she was ready to start doing more. I was able to share some suggestions with her and encourage her that it does get easier. It has been almost 11 months since her baby went to heaven.

After the ceremony in the garden, I thought I would go inside to find her gone. But nope. That sweet woman waited for me to thank me and say goodbye. I gave her my information and truly do hope that she will reach out to me. I told her that I don't always have the right thing to say but am a good listener.

I share this not to toot my own horn, but to share what a heart God has given me for bereaved and hurting people. Funny thing is that as I was driving to the ceremony yesterday, I actually questioned myself as to why I was going. And in that thought process, I realized my deep desire just to be there for others and provide a little comfort and encouragement if possible.

God, on the other hand, had a divine appointment for me and "K" to meet. And if we never meet again, I hope the time and words we shared left a little spark of hope in her heart.

Love,
Tonya

Just Some Words

2011-08-23T21:53:00.003-04:00

How can it possibly have been two weeks since I last posted?!?!

I just sat down to blog about Matthew's 12 (and 13) month updates, and I'm honestly too tired. I am frustrated with myself that it has taken me so long because I'm forgetting exactly what he was doing at one year. At least I have memories from the Bahamas to draw from to help me some. :)

I've been seriously considering not blogging anymore. I feel like I've lost my blogging "voice", and I have found it hard to carve out time to devote to it. I'm disappointing myself, and in many ways, I feel like I'm disappointing those of you who visit my blog, too. I feel like I used to have so much to say. And, believe me, I still do! Never at a loss in that department. But I feel like a lost sheep who can't find her way back home in this blog world right now...

I still grieve Grady and would love to share. However, I feel like I've said it all before.

I love my family and want to share about them, but haven't you heard enough about us all by now?

I still struggle with organization and keeping a clean house. Nothing new in that area of my life.

I'm trying to revamp my grocery budget and save our family some money, or at least have extra to apply to the more "fun" aspects of life.

My children are growing too fast, my husband still loves me (I think), my hair is still white as snow and I'm still trying to figure out this thing called life (which I know will never really happen).

Nothing new.

And truly I'm not complaining. Just trying to justify my absence from this blog of mine, and from you, my sweet blog friends.

One thing I do know for sure is that my hands are shaking so bad that I can hardly type this. Buddy started barking out the sidelights of the front door. As I approached the door, I could have sworn the door knob rattled, and I noticed the door was unlocked. Oh my! (Jenny, I'm thinking of you! HA!)

And the other thing I know for sure?

I'm going to bed!

Night Night!

Wordless Wednesday (almost)

2011-08-10T22:16:00.008-04:00

SO HAPPY TO BE ONE!

What is a Rainbow Baby?

2011-08-09T22:33:00.015-04:00

I asked myself that question when I stumbled upon a blog once. I emailed my sweet friend Ebe to ask her, and she very simply explained that a rainbow baby is the one who is born after a baby/child who dies.

OK.

Made sense to me, but I took it to a whole new level with Matthew's first birthday. In so many ways, Matthew is our "rainbow". I cannot emphasize enough how much he is absolutely NOT a replacement for Grady. He never could be. Grady was his own person. He had his own heartbeat. He lived his own life. Granted he lived only inside of me. But he lived. And that's so, so very important to me.

While Matthew is not a replacement, he has brought such immense healing to our hearts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what life would be like with a 2 1/2 year old Grady running around. And it's strange...I don't often think about what if Grady was here and Matthew wasn't? I think that's because Matthew is physically here, and Grady isn't. (I hope that's not confusing) I think about having them both here. But the reality is that if Grady had been born alive, Matthew would not be here because my husband would have gotten neutered, and we would have been done.

D.O.N.E. Done.

But that wasn't God's plan.

And I'm so, so very grateful.

As Matthew's first birthday approached, I contemplated the theme we would use for his party. I've mentioned before that he absolutely loves racing, so I definitely thought about a racing theme. I even ordered some race car invitations from Sam's with his picture on them, but when I went to pick them up, they looked awful. They were supposed to have an oil spill on them, but it made them look just dirty. So, I didn't buy them and chose something different. And they turned out great! This is the picture that was on his invitation...

The caption said "Roll on over to have some fun, Matthew [last name] is turning one." It had a baby wagon on it and was super cute.

A wonderful local woman makes the best cakes, so I contacted her for the job. I knew I didn't want to buy a store-made cake because I gave Matthew some of Jessica's icing from her birthday cake, and he broke out around his mouth. I'm hoping he doesn't have a peanut allergy!

I decided to go with a rainbow theme because it's his first birthday and I could get away with it! We have plenty years ahead to celebrate whatever he's into at that time, and a rainbow theme made me happy. Because, he is our "rainbow baby".

I'm a member of a facebook group for bereaved moms called Hope Mommies. Just the other day, a mom posted the following about "What is a rainbow baby?" I don't know who originally wrote it, but I want to share it with you...

Rainbow babies:
In some circles, babies born to families
after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies."
The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm.
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow
...does not negate the ravages of the storm.
When a rainbow appears,
it doesn't mean the storm never happened
or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.
What it means is that something beautiful
and full of light has appeared
in the midst of the darkness and clouds.
Storm clouds may still hover
but the rainbow
provides a counterbalance
of color, energy, hope and love.

I just think that's beautiful, and a great description of our Baby Matthew. Matthew brings such love, hope, energy, laughter and joy to our lives. But it doesn't mean that Grady's death didn't occur or that his death doesn't still affect us in many ways today.

So, I had Tracy make cupcakes in a rainbow fashion for Matthew's first birthday. And, to bring a true element of personalization, I had her make his smash cake with a race car. I think they all turned out GREAT!

There's a story behind the next picture.

When I was pregnant in the fall of 2008, Emma Grace colored that picture in her 5 yr old class at preschool. It says, "The rainbow reminds us of God's promise to Noah." I was working at the preschool, and she brought it to me and said, "Mommy, this is for Baby Grady's room." I told her how beautiful it was and that we would definitely hang it up in his room.

Unfortunately, it never got hung. I did laminate it, we put it on the table at Grady's service and obviously still have it (and I do still have plans to hang it in Matthew's room...I've just got to get a frame!). It was sitting on Matthew's bookshelf in his room, and as I was dusting one day, I thought it would be a great thing to talk about at his party. I used Emma Grace's picture to try to explain what a "rainbow baby" was to our guests. I made it a point to say that a rainbow usually follows a storm, and that every time I see a rainbow it reminds me of Grady, and God's goodness, and the hope and promises we have in Jesus.

Grady's death was definitely a storm in our lives, but Matthew is certainly our rainbow. More later...

Love,
Tonya

Tidbits from T

2011-08-05T10:29:00.021-04:00

Hi friends! Yes, I'm going to give you Matthew's 12 month stats and share part 2 of his first birthday celebration soon. But I thought I'd do a quick blog post and catch up on other areas of our life. Yes, believe it or not, there is more to our lives than Matthew! (But he's a huge part of it!) :)

***The girls started back to school this past Monday, August 1st. Matthew and I were sad to see them go and were quite lonely during the day. Yes, I made them pose for these dorky pictures.

Gib thought I was dorky for making them hold signs, so I got to be in one of the pics, too.

***Jessica tried out for volleyball at school this week, but didn't make the team. :( I think Gib and I were more sad for her than she was for herself. She wants to take gymnastics, and the class I signed her up for would have conflicted with her game schedule. It worked out for the best for now, but I hope she will pursue this again because she does have good hand/eye coordination.

I'm not sure I mentioned it before, but Jessica got braces the beginning of June. She looks great in them and has adjusted well to having them. We'll see how she does after getting them tightened for the first time on Monday.

She is growing up way too fast, but I'm so proud of the young girl she is becoming. She has started babysitting for the three children across the street, ages 3, 2 and 9 months. She is very responsible and has such a sweet spirit. I sure do love that girl!

She will probably kill me for posting this picture, but I took this picture of her sleeping the other night. I used to take sleeping pictures all the time when she was younger. I just felt like I needed a recent one. Even though she's getting big, she will always be my "baby girl".

***The school put Emma Grace on the wrong bus the first day of school. I only freaked out a little. Gib, on the other hand, my mild-mannered husband, just about flipped a lid. He was livid. Turns out there is another subdivision with a street name the same as ours, and Emma Grace and two other little girls got put on that bus. Emma Grace spoke up to her teachers several times, they checked with the office several times, but the transportation department was to blame. I know we all make mistakes, but I put our subdivision name on her form, so there should have been no confusion. The bottom line is that she made it home safely and has come home on the correct bus since. I spoke with the assistant principal and her teacher called to apologize and check on her. It's all good.

Emma Grace will take gymnastics on the same day and time as Jessica. That couldn't have worked out better! I'm excited that she is getting involved in an activity again. She really is happy just hanging out, playing with friends, Matthew, her sister and Buddy. And talking. That girl of mine talks nonstop. Wonder who she gets that from? *wink*

She has started sleeping in these eye covers. Do they crack you up as much as they do me?

This is how I find her a couple of hours after she goes to bed.

She had her first official sleepover recently. Well, I can't really say that. She has spent the night next door several times (but that's next door and in many ways like a second home to her), and she has spent the night at MeMe's house. But, another sweet friend of hers invited her to go to the American Girl store, out to dinner and to spend the night just before school started. She did great and had a GREAT time! Thanks, Reagan!

***I'm contemplating running a half marathon with Gib in October. CRAZY!!! I am so out of shape that I get winded walking up my driveway. Not sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I've got to decide SOON!

Our grocery bill is out of control, and I absolutely HATE going to the grocery store. I'm thinking about making a monthly menu, shopping for the main ingredients and only going once a week for milk, fresh fruits/veggies, lunch meat and bread. I found a blog called Grocery Shrink and she blows my mind on how she can feed her family of seven on $350 a month! And they don't eat a lot of junk or processed food. Hmmm. Makes me think for sure. It all overwhelms me but if I could feed my family for $600 a month I would be thrilled.

I'm continuing to work with Rock Goodbye Angel, a local organization that provides support for bereaved families. We are currently searching for a meeting place near the hospital where Grady was born to start a support group, and we are also praying for funding to hire me on part-time. Exciting!

What's not so exciting to me is leaving Matthew. I have never had to put any of our children in any type of childcare setting other than the church nursery. I always said, though, that if an opportunity came along for me to use Grady's life/death to impact others that I would do it part-time. I can make phone calls and work on the computer while he naps, but when we really get into the hospital, I will have to leave him to go educate providers on our services and be present for bereaved families, if the so desire. I found an awesome lady to keep him one day a week, so that makes my heart happy! He will be with three other babies right about his same age. Granted, he is behind in his development, I think it will be great for him to see what they're doing.

***Speaking of Matthew, he's army crawling everywhere and is into everything! Like this box the other day.

He blew me kisses with just his mouth yesterday morning while we were strolling around in Target...melted my heart! He loves to sit in the buggy and look around.

We are for sure going to have to take him to a race when he gets older. As I was leaving the dentist the other day, he was enthralled with the cars that were passing by on the busy street. I can only imagine how he would love the loud, fast cars at a race track.

He got a wagon for his birthday from MeMe and GranDave. It's been a huge hit, for Matthew AND the girls! What's wrong with this picture?

He is feeling much better this week. He had an ear infection, fever and a cruddy nose last week. It turned into a cough and wheezing. Thankfully, I had the nebulizer and medicine already. I hate that a cold can't just be a cold for my kids.

Matthew loves Buddy, but I'm not sure the feeling is mutual. Buddy is great with him, though, and every now and then, they "play" together.

***Grady has been on my mind more than normal lately. I think about him everyday but I've found myself really thinking about him and missing him so much. I think a lot of it is the fact that he would be old enough to start preschool this year. He would have turned three this November. It's hard to believe he's been gone almost three years!

***Gib is back at work. Thankfully he does NOT have testing again this year. People at work have commented that they've seen him smile more lately than they ever have before. We are all hoping to see him more and spend more time with him. We got spoiled having him with us so much this summer.

He is wrapping up his summer classes at UGA and only has two classes left to finish his specialist degree. He mentioned a doctorate program the other night. Please, Lord, not more school!!! In all seriousness, I'm very proud of him. I simply have no desire to go back to school. Ever. Unless I absolutely have to for some reason.

***We are looking forward to a visit from Gib's brother and his family in early September. They have not visited in four years! We loved spending time with them in the Bahamas and are looking forward to them coming for a few days. The kids have a blast together, and so do we adults! Speaking of the adults, we will be going to the UGA vs. Boise State football game at the Georgia Dome while they are here. It has been a long time since I've been to a Georgia football game. I'm looking forward to it! I just wish it was going to be in Athens to get the full effects of Georgia football!

***So much for being a "quick" blog post as I mentioned in the beginning. Now I'm realizing why I don't blog much. I started this post Friday morning...it's now Saturday morning, and I'm just finishing it!

Have a great weekend!

Love,
Tonya

Thankful Reflection

2011-07-30T11:07:00.014-04:00

I can't believe that one year ago today we brought our sweet boy home from the hospital! I remember the chaos of that day...trying to get things ready at home, both girls had open house at school, and crazy me took the time to write this post.

The next day, I shared some pictures of his homecoming in this blog post.

Words truly cannot express the thankfulness I have in my heart today.

For Matthew.

For Emma Grace.

For Jessica.

For Grady in heaven.

For Gib.

And for my heavenly father, without whom I would have none of these blessings in my life.

Thank you Lord for my beautiful children, both in heaven and here on earth. Thank you for my wonderful husband who loves me when I'm hard to love. Thank you for our extended family and the friends you've brought into my life. Thank you for your love, your Son and the gift of His life. Thank you for the promise and hope of heaven.

Pictures like these warm my heart beyond words.

Have a great weekend!

Love,
Tonya

Matthew's First Birthday Celebration (Part 1)

2011-07-25T07:50:00.015-04:00

Our sweet boy turned one while we were in the Bahamas on summer vacation. I wish I could say that I woke up in a joyful mood that morning, but that's not the case. I was ever so thankful for him and the gift and blessing of his life, but I've never felt more like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Seriously.

I'm not sure what was wrong with me, except that I had a ton of emotions pouring into that day.

I remembered back to that day one year prior. We tried everything to keep him in longer, and I wasn't ready for him to be born but was so thankful that he was born alive and healthy. I was exhausted because I didn't sleep well at all on vacation, even though the bed was more comfortable than mine at home. I had only been in my swimsuit twice and hadn't gotten out as much as I'd hoped. I was having a good time, but I was kind of ready to be home (the older I get, the more of a home-body I'm becoming). I was giving up hope that I would be able to have a much-needed heart-to-heart talk with my brother-in-law since it was our last day there. Suffice it to say, I was in a foul, foul mood.

Gib talked me into going to breakfast that morning since it was our last day there. I still wasn't dressed when they left, so I went later to catch up with them. They were seated just before I arrived, but somehow chairs were miscounted and there was nowhere for me to sit. That was the final straw for me. I left breakfast and went back to the room to do some laundry, shedding some tears in the process. I can't leave out the fact that Grady was on my mind that day, too.

Little did I know, they sang "Happy Birthday" to Matthew at breakfast. And I missed it. Then I was even more sad and mad at myself for my attitude. At least Gib took some pictures of him.

When Matthew went down for his nap, I took a nap, too. And I'm thankful to report that I woke up in a much better mood! I finished the laundry, apologized to everyone for my attitude, got my swimsuit on and joined my sweet family in the ocean. It was Matthew's first time in the ocean, and he LOVED it! He kept sticking his fingers in the water and sucking on them. The water in the Bahamas is VERY salty!

The girls got to enjoy the ocean a bit more than their mom, dad and brother, thanks to Aunt Kerrin and Uncle Bob (which really aren't their aunt and uncle at all, but they're family and were wonderful with the girls on vacation!!!). I did manage to get some pictures of the kids together in the water, and Aunt Kerrin took a family photo, too.

By the time Gib, Matthew and I got out, we didn't have much time in the ocean because we had to get dressed for Matthew's birthday dinner celebration. Uncle Arthur (Gib's brother) chose a great place called Bimini Road in Marina Village on the Atlantis property.

We sat outside which seemed like a great idea at first but after a few minutes proved to be a mistake. It was SO hot! Matthew was sweating, so I took his birthday shirt off and let him just wear his birthday bib. Aunt Kerrin arranged for a fan to be brought out which helped a little.

Daddy tied a straw in a knot for entertainment.

Sisters were being their usual silly selves, sipping their lemonade and making silly faces.

And this sweet, stray kitty found its way onto the balcony to celebrate with us, too.

My sweet niece, Kylie (with my sister-in-law, Aunt Shannon), almost missed the party, but she perked up soon after this was taken.

Here are the girls with Aunt Kerrin, of whom we are all very fond. (Aunt Kerrin is Aunt Shannon's mother for those of you who might be interested)

Matthew saying, "Another picture? Really?!"

All of a sudden, there were fireworks going off not too far from us. We said they were for Matthew's first birthday. Truth be told, though, they were for the Miss Teen USA pageant that was being held at the Atlantis Resort. We had a perfect view!

Matthew opened his gifts from Uncle Arthur and Aunt Shannon, Kylie and Collin. He got a precious smocked outfit and a stuffed shark.

Our waitress (with a little help from Uncle Arthur I do believe) had the outside band sing "Happy Birthday" to Matthew, while a crew of the servers sang to him, too. Matthew didn't quite know what to think of it, as evidenced by his stares at them. Cousin Collin was pretty curious, too.

I didn't let him have cake because when I let him try some of Jessica's white birthday icing, he broke out around his mouth. I didn't want to take any chances out of the country, so he celebrated with a YoBaby yogurt and a number one candle. The candle wouldn't stay lit, though, because of the huge fan we had blowing on us.

A festival came through the village, with loud drums, singing and costumes. The kids seemed to enjoy it, as did lots of adults.

Daddy and his birthday boy. Someone was super hot and sleepy...

Our server with the birthday boy before we left.

A picture of Pops (Gib's dad) with his grandchildren, minus Matthew because he was strapped to me!

I forgot Aunt Kerrin took a picture of me with them, too. I'm not sure what I'm doing here other than cracking up and trying not to fall over...maybe the question should be, "Where is Matthew trying to go?"

I hate that this picture turned out blurry, but I love it still.

These two girls were two peas in a pod the whole trip. Cousins and fast friends forever!

And take a good look at this next picture. I cannot tell you how it warms my heart. Long story, but good. So, so good!!!

It really was a GREAT way to spend Matthew's first birthday! I was honestly a bit bummed not to be at home to have a party for him on his actual birthday, but we did that after we got back. We had such a great time with the family we were with, I wouldn't have had it any other way!

Many thanks to Uncle Arthur for giving Matthew a first birthday that's going to be VERY hard to top!

Love,
Tonya

ONE

2011-07-17T21:05:00.004-04:00

This little man turned ONE yesterday!

Oh, how I love him!

He/we celebrated in the Bahamas at a restaurant called Bimini Road complete with a band that sang to him, fireworks and a festival that came through town. Much, much more to come soon, including lots of pictures. We got back to the states today, and just in time as there is a tropical storm warning there now. Just wanted to say...

Happy Belated First Birthday Sweet Love!!!

Love,
Mommy

Hi!

2011-07-01T20:37:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to pop in and say a quick hello! I can't believe I haven't blogged in such a long time. I really do miss it! And you! I have lots to share, but I have two girls waiting on me to watch a movie with them now that little brother is in bed.

Little brother who, might I add, has started belly crawling! Two days ago. So much for containing him on vacation this summer! He has trouble with his right arm and leg, but he gets where he wants to go. Just another thing to work on in physical therapy...

I hope to get at least a "Tidbits" post up soon, but I have a couple of other posts to share also. I have missed you, my blog friends, and just wanted to say a quick hello!

Off to watch Facing the Giants. In Jessica's new room upstairs. Exciting!

Toodles!

Love,
Tonya

11 Months

2011-06-16T21:38:00.016-04:00

Wow, only one more month and this little guy will be one whole year old! I absolutely cannot believe it! And he will get to celebrate in the Bahamas! Whoo hoo!

My pictures aren't great and he's in his jammies, but I am determined to get his monthly update posted on the correct date for once! The sign is such a challenge and my computer doesn't have photoshop to do anything fancy, so this is what we have...

Words cannot express how thankful I am for this sweet boy and how much I love him. He is growing up too fast, but it's oh-so-fun to see his personality continue to develop. He isn't saying much still. He has mastered the "bah, bah, bah" sound, and he loves to grunt. He is very purposeful in his grunting, though, and will often raise his eyebrows when doing it. He wants to say something and that is his way of communicating right now. Sometimes we grunt back at him, but more often we say something to him, like "Mama" or "Dada" or "cup" or "ball" or whatever is there...you get the idea. I'm sure my pediatrician will have an earful for me at his 1 yr check-up.

He has learned to give me kisses, and oh my goodness, it is the sweetest thing ever! (except, of course, when his big sisters learned to do the same!) He opens his little mouth and leans into me/us, drool and all. That's what makes them so sweet! I. Could. Eat. Him. Up! And truth be known, I do most days! :)

This is his most favorite lovie. It's an Angel Dear lamb that Gib's cousins sent when he was born. He sleeps with it every night and holds it close to him all night long. I'm going to have to get a second one to have when this one gets dirty!

He still isn't crawling and isn't even close. He continues to roll and is now sitting very well. His physical therapy is progressing very slowly (and is pretty much at a standstill right now considering I can't get up and down off the floor without excruciating pain to my knees when they stretch, not to mention if he were to bang them...). He is starting to favor his left arm/hand again and is very temperamental about me doing anything that he doesn't want me to with his right. If I hold his left arm down to force him to use his right, he uses his right...to move my hand off of his! Too funny! The therapist told me to put a sock on his left hand instead of holding it down. He promptly and proudly removed the sock. The girls heard her say to tape it, so I guess I will try that, but he will have to have long sleeves on first. I'm not going to tape his bare skin!

He is finally using his tongue more when he eats, and I've been giving him a few finger foods. Problem is that he doesn't put the food to his mouth. He tries to pick it up, and if he succeeds, he just holds it in his hand. If I put it in his mouth for him, he goes to town. I keep telling myself to be patient. He still has a great appetite, gets three solid meals a day and 4 or 5 bottles of formula. He has mastered drinking from a sippy cup and is very proud of himself, as are we. He will drink from it and if we say, "Yay" he puts his cup down to clap for himself. His clapping is very cute, right hand in a fist and left hand open. Hopefully, we will get the hand splint in two weeks because he needs it to help hold his right hand open.

After physical therapy this week, we went to Chick-fil-A for lunch. He sat in a high chair for the first time in a restaurant, and he did great! I have the cutest picture on my phone, but I just tried to download it, and I can't. Bummer.

He continues to love to watch racing on TV. Gib says his favorite is Carl Edwards, #99. I'm still not sure how Gib stumbled upon racing one day, but he did and it captured Matthew's attention. When I'm gone and racing is on, I can rest assured that's what the "boys" are doing. He loves to play on the floor with his toys, and of course, jump in his exercauser.

He had his first visit to the pool one day last week. He wasn't so sure at first, but that only lasted a few seconds. He loves it! We have now gone three times and he just splashes and has a great time. The water was freezing to me today because it was cooler and rained last night, but it didn't bother him one bit!

He sleeps great, eats great, poops great, pees great, smiles a lot, and loves his big sisters. Not much more to add except that he's such a love, and we are oh so thankful for him!

Just for fun, this was him getting a bath tonight. Gib put him in the tub and made a mohawk on top of his head. I usually have his tub in the big tub, but since I can't get on my knees right now, I've resorted back to bathing him in the sink. And, what a wet mess it is because he loves to splash!

For the record, and just in case you're interested, Gib took pictures of my injuries earlier this week. They might not look bad, but I can assure you they hurt! However, I would much rather it be me than Matthew! And, I still can't tell you what a miracle it is that he is fine. Really. Praise God...again and again and again! Check out my second toe on the foot to your left. I think I broke the end of it if that's possible. Now the whole thing is black/blue.

Love,
Tonya

Today, I'm Thankful

2011-06-13T09:47:00.008-04:00

This day has already started out much better than yesterday. I'm so, so very thankful. Let me explain...

My morning started off yesterday with Gib sharing some news that made me very angry. I cannot go into details here, but it has nothing to do with our marriage or our immediate family. Everything is fine on the "home front". But to say I was angry would be an understatement. I was furious, and I let him know. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad about an upcoming situation that I'm dreading oh so much. I threw Matthew's dirty diaper on the ground and said some not-so-nice things. I don't curse often, but I did yesterday. NOT a good way to start the Lord's day to say the least.

I showered and got ready for church, but Buddy needed to go out once more to finish his business. I was holding Matthew, put Buddy on the leash and out we went. I walked down to the sidewalk, and my sweet friend from down the street was walking with two of her children, one in a stroller. Buddy got excited, but I parked him and told him to stay. I expected him to obey. I turned to say something to her, and Buddy took off. He spun me and Matthew around so fast I didn't know what was happening. I tried to hold onto him simply because I didn't want him to scare my friend's children. He was excited but to see an 80 pound dog running after you can be quite scary. I couldn't hold him, though. He drug Matthew and I into the street, and we took an ugly, ugly fall. I still have asphalt in my elbow.

I am sore today. I have a raw elbow and two skinned knees, small cuts on my foot and a broken toe. It is truly only by the grace of God that Matthew is okay. I fell on top of him and his head scraped the road, but it is superficial and you can hardly tell today. Once we fell, we actually kept sliding. Somehow my left arm/elbow shielded him from the road. It felt like Matthew's head hit hard, and he was screaming. I literally saw his life as we know it flash before my eyes as I was heading back into the house. I just knew we were going to be heading to the hospital with a head injury. S.C.A.R.Y. He cried but never threw up or tried to go to sleep. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I realized he was okay.

Today, I am so, so very thankful. Thinking back on yesterday morning just makes me sick to my stomach.

To my sweet friend who was there yesterday, I know you feel bad, but please, please don't! It's not your fault that my dog cannot control himself! I so-very-much appreciate your help in getting Buddy back into the house and you looking out for Emma Grace, too. I hope your children weren't too scared, and soon I'm sure the memory of seeing me fly across the road will actually be pretty funny!

Today, I'm thankful for a new day. For a baby who is alive and well. For good friends. And for the loving grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father who guarded and protected Matthew yesterday.

Thank you, Lord!

Love,
Tonya

Kissing and Clapping

2011-06-10T09:11:00.003-04:00

Hello to my long, lost blog friends!

I don't know what my deal is lately. I want to blog, but I find other things to do instead. I do have to say, however, that I've been fairly productive around my house and it needs to continue! We had a garage sale last weekend and most everything that didn't sell was donated. What a good feeling it is to clean stuff out!

Anyway, the topic of this blog post isn't about cleaning...it's about clapping and kissing.

Matthew has learned to do both this week. Oh my.

He. Is. So. Stinking. Cute.

But, I'm a little biased.

When I ask for kisses, he opens his mouth and leans into me. Be still my heart! I think his favorite person to kiss is Jessica, though. She gets the most of any of us. He knows a pretty girl when he sees one!

He has also learned to clap his hands. It's not your typical clap, though. Nope. His right hand doesn't open. So, he claps with his right hand in a fist and his left completely open. He doesn't know the difference...he's just proud of himself, as are we. I'm thankful he has at least learned to do the motion of clapping and is appropriate with it when we say, "Yay" to him.

He has been fitted for a splint for that right hand, and we should get it at physical therapy next week. The original thought was that he would only sleep in it, but the occupational therapist said he might need to wear it more often. He is again favoring his left hand and has become very temperamental about anyone messing with his right. If he doesn't want to move it, he doesn't want anyone else to move it either. I'm glad he is asserting some independence, but unfortunately, he won't win this battle.

Just a short update on our little man. He has recovered well from his double ear infections from last week. He had his first trip to the pool earlier this week. He wasn't too keen on it at first, but ended up loving it! He will be 11 months in just a few days, so a more detailed post will come soon.

Hope y'all have a great day!

Love,
Tonya

Tidbits from T

2011-05-27T09:52:00.005-04:00

~~I'm a boring blogger these days. I know. Nothing really exciting has happened for me to share. But I'll share some not-so-exciting things with you anyway.

~~School is out for the girls. This first week has been busy, yet boring, for all of us. We've had appointments but haven't had the chance to do much of anything fun. I keep telling the girls that we have the whole summer ahead of us. But as usual, I know it's going to fly by.

~~Emma Grace missed her last day of school to what turned out to be a sinus infection. Now, unfortunately, Matthew is suffering the stuffy nose syndrome along with a cough. He is also rubbing one of his ears, and to be honest, I don't like the way his cough is starting to sound. No fever, though, and still happily playful, but a trip to the doctor might be in his near future, too.

~~Gib still has two weeks of work left before his summer officially begins. But right as work ends, his online classes will start up again. No rest for the weary, I'm afraid.

~~We are hoping to take a summer trip with Gib's brother and his family sometime in July. Matthew might be spending his first birthday out of the country! We will see how it all plays out, and I'll share more as details unfold.

~~A sweet friend gave me a jogging stroller that I can't wait to put to good use. (Thank you Leah!) I walked a couple of days with a friend of mine and it felt so good to get my blood pumping again. Lord knows I need to get in shape! Where, oh where, is my motivation? If someone finds it, could you please tell it to come visit me?!

~~Jessica is turning 12 tomorrow, and I honestly can't believe it. To my surprise, she did not want a party. She is having a friend over tonight and another tomorrow night. Whatever makes the birthday girl happy is good with me!

~~We have a busy weekend ahead. Birthday fun for Jess, a graduation party for a sweet girl we haven't seen in years and a trip to Dahlonega on Sunday to spend some time at MeMe's house with her and her family. I was hoping to have my friend April take some family pictures of us outside at MeMe's house, but I felt bad asking her AND I was only able to get my hair cut, not colored this past week. I know that seems so vain, but if your hair was as white as mine, you'd understand! I'm hoping Monday will be a quiet day at home.

~~See. I told you nothing too exciting was going on with us, but I wanted to check in and say hi anyway. Hope all of you have a fun, safe Memorial Day weekend!

Love,
Tonya

10 Months Old

2011-05-16T09:20:00.015-04:00

Matthew got this hat at the NICU reunion we went to this past weekend. I think he's VERY cute in it! And, I think he feels the same way! I cannot believe that my boy is almost one already! It seems like just yesterday that I was writing his nine month post. Maybe it feels that way because I was so late getting it up!

I wish his eczema wasn't flaring again in these pictures. He does have good days with it, but it always seems to be inflamed when I take pictures. This is an 18 month outfit, by the way. And once again, the sign was very interesting!

I took the paper away, and he wasn't happy.

Many things are still the same with sweet Matthew, but here's an update anyway.

--He still loves to eat. We are slowly introducing finger foods, but he did not do well this morning. I gave him some banana which he promptly gagged on, and he followed with the same reaction to a cheerio. Pureed breakfast it was!

He can take or leave the bottle now that he's getting just formula. It's a struggle to get him to take it at times, but he must have the nutrition that comes from it. He doesn't love the sippy cup, either. He will pick it up and chew on the tip, that's about it.

--He weighed 22 pounds at the neurologist on Friday, May 6th. He is quickly outgrowing some of his 12 month clothes, and I just bought a box of size 3 diapers yesterday that I'm considering taking back for size 4. His thighs are chunky and delicious, as are his cheeks!

--He has settled into two solid naps a day, one morning and one afternoon. He usually wakes up happy and talking. If he wakes up crying, I know he didn't get his nap out. Some days it's easier to get him back to sleep than others. His morning nap is usually 1 - 1 1/2 hours and his afternon nap is 2 hours, sometimes 3! He sleeps 11-12 hours at night, but someone needs to tell him about sleeping in on the weekend! I often have to wake him to get him fed and the girls to school on time, but he's awake bright and early on Saturday and Sunday! I'm SO ready for summer break!

--He has mastered rolling. And rolling. And rolling. Across the room in no time! He also loves to turn in circles on his hands. Of course, he can turn better circles to his left than he can to his right. We are still working on that right side. He tries to army crawl, but he just doesn't have the strength yet. We have spaced his physical therapy out to every other week now to give him more time to work on mastering new things.

--The neurologist was pleased when we saw him on the 6th. He was very positive and encouraging about Matthew's prognosis. Matthew still struggles with that right arm/hand. To just look at him, you would never know he had any issue at all. He can move it in general but has a very hard time with more controlled, fine motor skills on that side. I'm going to talk to his physical therapist about having occupational therapy do an evaluation on him. I want to intervene early if he needs help.

--He gave up his paci, literally overnight. He absolutely refused to take it one day and acted like I was torturing him when I tried to give it to him. So, it's gone! He hasn't had it in about a week now. I'm glad he gave it up so easily, but I didn't think it would happen so soon.

--He loves to sleep on his tummy now, but he often wakes up soaked with pee. I've switched to overnight diapers and they help sometimes. (And yes, I do point "it" down when I put his diaper on!) I've been doing lots of laundry lately!

--He still isn't doing much in the way of "talking". He still just grunts and makes noises. Occasionally, he has put an "m", "b", and "g" in front of his sounds but nothing consistent. He has come up with some new noises, though, that are quite sweet, entertaining and high-pitched at times.

--He loves to ride in the stroller and still does very well in the car. His favorite toy is a beaded teether. He loves his sisters and Buddy (the dog). He laughs at his bottle when he's done with it, which he has started trying to hold some, too. He loves to hold paper or books, and when he does, he turns them in circles in his hands. He still loves his mobile, but I only put it up for short times so he doesn't pull it on top of himself.

I put him in the corner behind the mobile because I wanted to show how much he loves this thing! But, he is usually on his back, like this...

And just because I think it's sweet. I went in to check on him after he went to sleep at nap time today and found his toes sticking out of his bumper guard...

And this is often what I see when I go check on him and he's not asleep...

We love you Matthew! Happy 10 month birthday!

Mother's Day, 2011

2011-05-09T09:09:00.012-04:00

I hope all of you had a wonderful Mother's Day yesterday. Mine was quiet, which was nice.

Saturday, the girls and I attended a picnic at the River Forks Park & Campground for a balloon release with Rock Goodbye Angel. It was absolutely beautiful! (other than the fact that it was cold and very windy!) I've never been there, but our family will be taking a day trip when the weather warms up a bit more. It only costs $5 to get in and there's an awesome playground and beach area on the lake with picnic tables, grills, and plenty of grass and trees to relax under.

We released balloons for babies who have gone before us. I released a balloon for Grady, as well as balloons for several of my friends' babies, too. It is amazing to think that 2 1/2 years ago, I knew absolutely no one who had lost a baby...

Jessica seemed fine while we were there, but she fell asleep on the way home, which is VERY unusual for her. Later in the day she told me her throat hurt. Upon Momma T's inspection, I found a very red throat with some white pus pockets. Off to the urgent care we went. So glad we did because she had strep. Because she started on antibiotics Saturday night, she felt great this morning and was able to go to school.

So, we spent the morning home from church yesterday. I originally thought it would be great to sleep in...Gib could get up with Matthew, etc. However, I was already awake. I went to the kitchen to warm his bottle, and Gib went to Matthew because he was crying. Gib had picked him up, and when I walked in, he all but lunged for me. How's that for a sweet Mother's Day present? And the even better part? He let me snuggle him on my shoulder for at least five minutes while his bottle warmed. That was definitely better than any sleep could ever be!!!

As I was rocking him, I couldn't help but think back to the previous two Mother's Days. I was heartbroken in 2009 because Grady wasn't with us and last year, I was pregnant with Matthew but had no idea if he would be here this year or not. (I just realized that I never did a Mother's Day post last year...BAD, BAD!) My heart was full and overjoyed to be holding that baby boy yesterday morning, as I am each and every day.

Emma Grace woke up after Matthew went down for his morning nap. She brought me a gift she made at school. It was a beautiful bracelet with different beads. She snuggled in my lap for a long time which was doubly wonderful. Not long after, Jessica followed. Wow, that girl has gotten so big! She ~~smothered me~~ snuggled with me, too which was triply wonderful! She sent me a beautiful text with a flower on it wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. I love my children more than there are words in the human vocabulary!

Matthew ate some banana and sweet potato puffs for the first time yesterday. And he LOVED the banana in this mesh teether.

He even decided to be "cool" and just veg with Daddy. I've not seen him this relaxed on someone's lap in a long time. He's very busy these days! (In case you're wondering, Gib is holding a burp cloth, and if you look closely in the picture below, you can see Gib kissing Matthew's head. Sweet!)

And of course, I had to snap this picture when I got back from the doctor with Jessica Saturday evening. This hasn't happened in a long time either.

Since we didn't go to church yesterday, there was no dressing up for us. This is the only picture of me and my kiddos that was taken.

Jessica made yummy brownies, and we completed the night with spicy Chinese food and a game of Yahtzee, in which Emma Grace beat us BAD! Two Yahtzees! Go Eggiey! (I know that spelling makes no sense, but it's how she spells her nickname!)

Speaking of her, she also made me a card at school. You know the kind, with all the fill in the blanks. Here's a sampling...

My mom can do many things! I think she's best at...takeing care of us and loveing me.

My Mom has a pretty smile! I like to make her smile by...huging her.

My Mom is smart! She even knows...when to make me happy.

My Mom is as pretty as a...flower.

I'd like to tell my Mom...I Love You.

She is special because...she makes banana pudding and buys me clothes.

She's all about the "love" for sure! And she always has a way of remembering Grady in all that we do. I came home from the store and getting dinner last night to find this written on the driveway.

As usual, I've spent too much time on this stupid computer this morning. Gotta try to get something accomplished today!

Love and blessings to you!

Tonya

Tidbits from T

2011-05-04T08:40:00.004-04:00

***This is a super busy week for our family. Or at least it seems that way.

Monday, I met with the founder of Rock Goodbye Angel to discuss some opportunities to serve bereaved moms who have lost babies. Yesterday was Emma Grace's field day. Matthew and I went for the afternoon fun, and it was HOT! He was so sleepy but such a trooper, as usual. I'm hoping he will continue in that same fashion today as Jessica has a track banquet from 3:30-5:00. After that, we have to go shopping for her an outfit and new shoes for her Chorus performance tomorrow night. (Don't get me started on that! She has to wear all black with black shoes that she will never wear again...UGGH! She borrowed black boots in the fall and winter but those won't fly this time of year. Not to mention that I somehow didn't get the email that was sent out, and Jessica just told me about it last night. DOUBLE UGGH!) Friday, Matthew has to go to the neurologist, Mr. Personality himself. And Saturday, we have the balloon release and ice cream party to honor our babies. Busy, busy.

***Emma Grace received an award last week, called a Dragon Award, for sportsmanship. She was selected by her classmates for this, and we were so proud! She was honored on the stage with a special lunch. I went, but she requested that I not bring Matthew. So funny that girl! It was a special time just the two of us.

***Matthew has mastered the art of rolling. And rolling. And rolling. All over the place! This is such a huge accomplishment for him. He is building strength in his right arm, and his therapist is going to be thrilled when we go back next week. He gets from his back to his tummy in no time flat. And he is actually enjoying his tummy, even rolling over on it to sleep. The bad part about that, though, is that he has woken up every morning soaking wet. Two nights ago, he wasn't happy on his tummy and couldn't find his paci, so at 3am I turned him to his back to find he was wet up to his chest. So, a change of clothes and a new sheet it was. Fortunately, he went right back to sleep.

When he's on his tummy, he is trying to move his legs and get them under him. He is showing the beginnings of doing an army crawl. It's my guess that he will be all over this house very soon. What a blessing! But what a challenge...

***Heeding my own advice is so hard. I used to tell moms that any amount of breastmilk they gave their babies was better than none. And that is the absolute truth. But for myself, I set the bar super high and strive for a year. I did it with Jessica and Emma Grace. But, unfortunately, my breastfeeding/pumping days are a thing of the past. For good.

I gave it up last week. I just couldn't do it anymore. I honestly had grown to hate it. I never loved it, but I knew I was doing a great thing for Matthew. It got to the point, though, that when I would sit to pump, I would almost have an anxiety attack. The stress of that would inhibit my let down, and I would get frustrated about that. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Of course, I had the internal dialogue with myself..."You've done it for 9 1/2 months, it's okay to stop now." And the flip side... "You've done it for 9 1/2 months, you can do it 2 1/2 more!" But the truth is that I needed to stop for myself. I am still struggling with the guilt, especially since Matthew isn't taking his bottles like he was before. But I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders these days.

***If it comes to mind, could you please say a prayer for my sweet husband? This is an extremely stressful time for him at work. He is preparing for the EOCT (end of course testing) at his school for close to 4,000 students. He is a perfectionist when it comes to his work and gives 110%, plus this is a huge responsibility for one person. He was awake at 2:30 this morning and will work late every night until (and after) the testing is over, which is in two weeks. I worry about him, obviously because I love him, but also because of his past heart issues. He had a heart attack in May of 2007. Not your typical heart attack due to blockage, but due to an artery spasm which decreased oxygen to his heart muscle. He takes medication daily to help keep those vessels relaxed, but stress can aggrevate the problem, so please pray that he does okay. And that I can be supportive and encouraging to him during this time. Thanks!

That's all I have time for right now. Thanks for reading!

Love,
Tonya

Remembering Our Babies This Saturday...

2011-05-02T14:22:00.003-04:00

Please click on this link to view an invitation for a local event to honor and remember our babies' birthdays. It is this Saturday, May 7th from 10am-12pm. If you cannot attend but would like a balloon released for your baby, please let me know. Also, please forward this to anyone you think might be interested.

This amazing, fairly new, organization is called Rock Goodbye Angel, and I'm super excited about working with them. Big things to come with this, I hope! It has the potential to be life changing for bereaved moms/families in our area where there is very little to no support for these types of losses.

More later...

Love,
Tonya

9 Months, 4/16/11

2011-04-27T14:19:00.001-04:00

Better late than never! I don't know what's wrong with me! I've been working on this post since the 19th, and I'm just getting it finished. Grrrr!

Matthew is 9 months old, and I honestly can't believe it! I absolutely love him to pieces! His eczema was really flared up the day I took these pictures, and again, he was more interested in the sign...

Here are some facts about this boy of ~~mine~~ ours.

***At his check-up on April 15th, he weighed 21 lbs, 6 oz (65%) and was 27 3/4 inches long (35%). His head didn't grow very much; it was 17 3/4 inches (45%). He looks very proportionate to me, and of course, the pediatrician wasn't concerned about his head size bouncing around. We see the neurologist again next week, so I'm curious to see how he plots again on their chart.

***He is wearing 9 & 12 month clothes. He has gone through such a huge growth spurt lately. He wasn't in 6 month clothes very long at all. Many of his 9 month clothes are getting tight, and he just started wearing them! 12 month fits him the best. Size 3 diapers still fit him well, and he doesn't have any shoes yet, so I have no idea what size he wears. :)

***He has pretty much mastered sitting by himself. He cannot get himself into the sitting position, but once placed there, he balances well. He's not at the point that I just plop him and leave him. No, no. I sit behind him just in case he needs a hand. Literally. He doesn't sit up super straight yet, but he sits.

He isn't anywhere near crawling as he isn't able to put enough weight on his arms to get on all fours yet. Shoot, he can't even do tummy time for very long. It will be a long process for sure, but we're working on it.

He moves his right arm great now, Praise The Lord, but he does NOT like to put weight on it. That's the big thing we are still working on in PT. That and getting him to utilize the muscles on his right side.

He opens his right hand, picks up toys with it, and is able to transfer a toy from one hand to the other. His right hand is still in a fist when he is relaxed, but I stretch and massage it several times a day, usually when I'm giving him a bottle.

***Speaking of the bottle, he is eating more solids these days. He's up to three meals every day. His diet includes oatmeal, squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, avocado, bananas, pears and peaches. At least for now. He gets 5-6 bottles a day of varying amounts depending on his solids. I'm pumping, still, and hating every second of it. He gets supplemental formula to fill in the gaps.

He has four teeth and is trying to cut two more. He is having the hardest time getting his top two front teeth in (he has the ones on either side up top and the two bottom center). Yesterday his gums were so swollen that when he smiled I could see it hanging down. Poor baby! He doesn't fuss much, though, which is amazing!

I'm starting to think about letting him try some finger foods. I'm just not quite sure he's ready, and unfortunately my pediatrician was no help. Uggh. I have introduced him to a sippy cup. He holds the handles, puts it to his mouth and chews on the tip, drinking out of it occasionally, and usually choking when he does.

His first time with a sippy.

***He grinds his teeth together, but since he doesn't have his top teeth yet, he has to scoot his bottom jaw over to reach the teeth on the side. Too funny!

***He still sleeps like a champ. 11 hours a night, 2-3 naps during the day that total about 4-5 hours. He has learned to roll from his back to his tummy very well which is great! (well, he rolls to his left side, but not to his right so much. Go figure!) He has started doing it in his sleep, which isn't so great because he hates his tummy! He wakes up and protests until ~~someone~~ I go turn him over. He hasn't figured out how to get from his tummy to his back yet. Apparently when he did it a few weeks ago, it was a fluke! Oh well. We take what we can get!

***He loves to play peek-a-boo. He puts the burp cloth over his head, or his bib when he's in the high chair, and pulls it off with a huge grin or a little laugh.

***When he can work his way down to the end of his crib, he loves to grab his mobile with one hand and shake it. I'm on it as soon as I hear it. At 5:09 am this morning in fact! We will be lowering the crib mattress soon. Yes, for the first time!

***He still loves to jump in his exercauser.

***He loves to "clap" his feet.

***He loves to hold his paci the wrong way.

***He has healed completely from his hernia surgery. At his post-op appointment last week, the doctor felt a true hydrocele (fluid filled cyst) that developed as a result of the surgery, but he wasn't worried. He said they go away, and if it was still there at 2 yrs of age to come back to him. Here's a picture of him the day after his surgery. See the two little incisions on his lower abdomen?

***I've been so focused on his physical development and delays that I haven't given second thought to his verbal skills/social development. He's happy. He engages. He laughs. He makes noises. I honestly didn't think much of it. But he's WAAAY behind, at least according to his pediatrician and the sheet I got from his physical therapist. The therapist did say, however, that with babies, they typically don't do anything about speech "delays" until age two. I know babies develop on their own time line, and I wouldn't be worried if it weren't for his brain injury. Only time will tell. All of that deserves a post itself.

***He has gotten to the point that he cries when I leave the room, or even if I get up from the table and go to the kitchen sink. He is just starting to show signs of stranger anxiety, too, but not it's not too bad yet.

We love you Matthew, our big 9 month old bundle of joy!

Little, Big Things

2011-04-26T21:59:00.007-04:00

Today, the little things have added up to be big things. This is one day I'm ready to say adios to! I should be finishing up Matthew's 9 month post, but I'm not sure I have the patience tonight to upload the rest of the pictures.

Sigh.

Instead, I think I'll share with you what a comedy of errors my day has been.

1. Decided while I was pumping this morning that I would try to organize some of the pictures on my computer. While clicking and dragging pictures into new folders, I somehow made my sidebar with the titles of my folders disappear. That put an end to my organizational efforts. And for the life of me, I can't get the page back to the way it was.

2. Was feeding Matthew a bottle before we left for physical therapy. I started watching something on TV and looked down to a full bottle. For some reason, the nipple had clogged and nothing was coming out (even though it was breastmilk). Sweet, laid back Matthew wasn't fussing a bit. He was just sucking on the nipple with nothing coming out. Changed the nipple, finished the feeding and was late leaving for PT.

3. Couldn't find my keys. Looked everywhere. I mean everywhere. Spent so much time looking for them that I almost called the therapist to say that we weren't coming. Found them in my purse that I had left in the car after taking Emma Grace to school. I sooooo don't remember putting them there and never leave them in the car.

4. Got a text early in the morning from hubby asking if I could bring the checkbook by his work. Sure, we were going right by there, so Matthew and I took it on our way home. It fell down between my seat and the console of the van. I picked it up, handed it to Gib, he opened it to find no checks. Luckily, I had enough cash for what he needed.

5. My gas light came on driving home. Prayed I would make it to the gas station, which I did. However, as I was putting my debit card up, it fell on the other side of the console and is now jammed in the side of the seat, and I can't get it out. It is still there tonight at 10:11 as I type this.

6. While I'm looking between the seats, I see the new book of checks that fell out of the checkbook when I picked it up from its previous tumble.

7. Took Buddy out when I got home but decided it was a pretty day so Matthew would come with us. Put his cute little hat on because the sun was bright and out we went. Got the mail. Hands full with baby, mail and leash, and the wind decided to blow Matthew's hat off his head. And it kept blowing. Away. Put the leash and mail down on a shrub and chased the hat with baby in my arms.

This was taken the other day, but isn't he cute in his hat? I couldn't let it get away!

8. Other small things have happened like dropping things left and right, splattering water all over myself while washing dishes tonight, and my girls having a hard time listening and following directions.

I know these are small, little inconveniences, but today they have seemed big. Huge ,in fact. I've been one big grump. I'm ready for bed. And I hope tomorrow will be much happier, more productive and less clumsy!

The View From Here

2011-04-20T21:49:00.006-04:00

Tonight, at this very moment, this is the view from here.

I couldn't resist!

Love,
Tonya

Tidbits from T

2011-04-17T09:42:00.008-04:00

It's a rather chilly Sunday morning here. I personally don't know because Gib got up with Matthew and took the dog out, but he said it was cold and our heat kicked on. They are both napping again. I'm alone because the girls had a sleepover last night, so I thought I would catch y'all up on some Tidbits.

~~~We didn't go to church this morning because the girls aren't here. At this point, we go to church for them. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. Matthew still doesn't go to the church nursery (imagine that!), so we sit in the lobby area. There is a television but it's very hard to concentrate on the message. We opted to stay home today. I'm thinking we will probably put Matthew in the nursery this summer, maybe around his first birthday.

~~~I took the girls to see the Atlanta Passion Play yesterday at the Atlanta Civic Center. Gib and I went years ago, but this is the final season and was the last chance to take the girls. Poor Emma Grace had one of her bad headaches, and I had no medicine for her. She was a trooper, though.

Speaking of her, I have to share something cute. If you live in Atlanta, you're familiar with "Spaghetti Junction". This is where two major highways meet, but there are probably 4-6 bridges that intertwine. As we passed under spaghetti junction yesterday, Emma Grace asked me, "Don't they call these spaghetti straps?" Funny girl!

I had not been to the Civic Center since I graduated from high school, back in the day. It was an adventure for sure. I've lived in Atlanta all my life, but I'm not a fan of downtown, nor do I know my way around very well. We made it there with no problem, but leaving was a different story. In my navigations, I ended up taking us smack in front of Piedmont Park. On a typical day, this would be fine. But there is this *sort of big deal*, yearly event called The Dogwood Festival at Piedmont Park. Yep. Enough said. *Sigh*

~~~Since the girls were at a sleepover last night, Gib and I had a date night at home. We ordered spicy Chinese food and watched a movie. I fell asleep during the movie but am gonna catch the parts I missed today before we return it. We don't have dates very often, so it's nice when we do. :)

~~~Matthew turned 9 months old yesterday. I can't believe it! He had his check up Friday. I'll include details about that in his 9 month post in the next day or so. But I was very disappointed in my pediatrician. Maybe he was having an "off" day, but I felt rushed and like a bother to him. And, of course, I left with something else to worry about...nothing major, but something. *Sigh* More to come on the little man...who is really not so little!

He is doing great from his surgery. His incisions have almost completely healed. We have his post-op appointment Tuesday, right after and right next door to his physical therapy location. That was a blessing, not to have to make the drive all the way to CHOA-Scottish Rite.

~~~I've been following a blog that a friend passed to me of a 23-week preemie baby boy. His name is Pierce. If you feel led, would you pray for him? You can click here to go to his blog. He has already defied any medical explanation as to why his heart is still beating. He needs serious prayers and major intervention from God's mighty healing hand, both of which he has already received. But, he faces a very long road ahead. And so do his parents.

~~~Gib is still super busy but seems to be managing his stress level pretty well. At least outwardly, that is. There are only 25 school days left for his work and LOTS of testing to be done in that time frame. One of the biggest and most difficult tests to organize and administer comes at the end of the year (he's the testing coordinator at his school of 3,000+ students). It was a nightmare for him last year...I didn't think he was going to survive it. But I'm hoping this year will be better for him. As for his own schooling at UGA, there are just a couple of weeks left for that. But again, A LOT of work needs to be done in a short time frame. I know he will get it done, and we will do our best to leave him alone. Then it's SUMMER...YAY! (He will still have classes, but they will be online which is always nice!)

~~~I'm not sure if I ever shared this on my blog, but Jessica DID make the basketball cheerleading squad for next year! I'm so proud of her! There were lots of girls who tried out and only about 10 made it. She knew she wouldn't make the football competition squad because she can't do a back handspring. But we were all shocked that she made basketball, including her. She is so excited and can't wait. I'm excited that it's basketball where the games are played inside in a controlled environment!

She dumped her old boyfriend and got a new one in the same day. Uggh. But she didn't tell me about the new one until this week. That girl has never been interested in boys, and honestly, she doesn't seem very interested now. She could be fooling me good, but I don't think so. I think this is middle school, and I need to get used to it. But it's H.A.R.D.

She doesn't talk to me much. This is nothing new as she has always been very quiet like her daddy. I feel terrible asking her 20,000 questions, and I know she gets sick of it. But, I don't know any other way to let her know I care about what's going on in her life and that she can talk to me about anything. Advice anyone?

~~~I got a call from the Chaplain at the hospital where Emma Grace, Grady and Matthew were born. This is the hospital where I'm part of the bereavement committee and would love to be a perinatal loss coordinator one day. She had been in touch with two ladies who have started an organization to support mothers/families who have experienced infant loss. I'm going to contact them tomorrow. As much as I want to do something specific in honor of Grady, this may be a great way to start reaching out to others in a personal way. I will let you know if anything comes of it.

~~~A sweet friend of mine got me a subscription to E-mealz after reading on my blog that I was in a dinner rut. I don't follow the meals exactly each week, but it has definitely given me more options and sparked new dinner ideas. Thanks, Erin!

~~~I posted this on facebook, but my friend, Suzanne (the nurse practitioner who was by my side for Emma Grace, Grady and Matthew), is going on a mission trip to Haiti in June. She has asked for the following items: cloth diapers (you might have used them as burp cloths), plastic pants to go over the cloth diapers, children's underwear, matchbox cars and/or small My Little Pony or doll figurines. The cars and dolls/figurines are to give to the children after she examines them. She thought of them because they are small, and she can fill a backpack with them. If you live locally and have any of the above items that you might be willing to donate, please email me or leave me a comment with a way to get in touch with you. Thanks!

That's all for now. I always hit publish and think of more stuff that I could have included. Look for Matthew's 9 month post soon. I'm going to try to get his picture taken today.

Love,
Tonya

My Mom

2011-04-13T21:24:00.006-04:00

I promise happier posts are coming. I'm working on a post about my mom. I've referred to her on my blog, but I've never shared anything about her. I'm going to try to scan some pictures of her and tell her story here soon. Mainly for my girls to read one day. They still talk about their Granny and they sure do miss her...

And so do I.

Four years ago tonight was one of the hardest nights of my life.

I was sitting at her bedside, holding her hand, listening to her groan with every breath, waiting for each one to be her last. She had lung cancer that had gone into remission but came back quickly and with a vengeance. She also had a heart attack a couple of weeks prior while she was in the hospital with pneumonia. She came home on hospice and died three short weeks later.

The day she came home from the hospital, we had a hospital bed in her room and a bedside commode. As I helped her off the commode, she put her arms around my neck with tears in her eyes and said, "I never thought I would get this bad". It. Broke. My. Heart. I knew she would get to that point, but she didn't want to accept it.

Just three days before she died, on Tuesday, she began to decline rapidly. Her pain increased, her breathing was more labored and we believe she suffered a stroke during her sleep that night. Hospice sent out a crisis nurse to stay around the clock with her. I went to her house on that Tuesday night after teaching a childbirth class. I debated on going because it was 11pm, but I'm SO glad I did. It was the last time she spoke to us. The next day when I went to visit, she was completely unresponsive. She wasn't responding to pain stimuli and had a foot drop which are both signs of neurological damage.

I had no idea she was in such a state or I never would have taken Emma Grace with me. I remember sitting on the other bed in her room with Emma Grace in my lap. She had just turned four. She kept asking me why Granny wasn't talking. I told her that Granny was very sick and would be meeting Jesus soon. Her response several times was, "No Mommy, Granny needs to stay here with us". Sweet girl.

The other noteworthy thing to mention is that my mom was insistent that she see the girls that Tuesday afternoon. As soon as Jessica got off the bus, we went over. They both climbed up on her bed and she loved on them and they on her. It was the last time. I remember feeling very inconvenienced by my mom's persistence because I had spent the day at her house (like I did every day), and I had to teach that night, but oh how glad I am that I took them. That was the last time Granny got to "eat them up".

She was unresponsive from Wednesday morning until the time she died, with the exception of a very short time. It was the middle of the night on Thursday night/Friday morning and the hospice nurse called me in from the sofa. She got my stepdad up from the guest bedroom because my mom had started stirring. I went beside her and asked her if we could see her pretty eyes. She opened them and tried to mumble something. We were telling her we loved her. And then her eyes closed. Not to open again.

The weather was beautiful on that Friday, and I kept telling her what a beautiful day it was to meet Jesus. None of the hospice nurses, nor any of our family, could believe she was still holding on. Even though she was a Christian, my mom was a very superstitious woman. I happen to believe she knew it was Friday the 13th and didn't want to die that day. She waited until 12:14am on Saturday, April 14th to take her final breath.

The end was not as peaceful as I had hoped. I won't go into the details just in case my girls do read this at some point. I hadn't wanted to be the "nurse" to take care of her alone at the end (even though my brother and stepdad were there, they relied on me to do everything), but our hospice did not have another crisis nurse to send out after the last one left at 8pm. It wasn't long after that nurse left that her hands started turning blue. I believe she didn't want a stranger in her home when she died.

I had a TERRIBLE experience with the on-call nurse. I had given mom some Morphine but felt that she needed more. She told me not to give her anymore Morphine even though she was groaning louder and louder. I was torn about what to do. If I gave her more Morphine and it helped, that would have been great. But, if I went against the nurse and gave her more and she immediately died, I would have to live with the fact that I "killed" her. Even though she was clearly dying, I didn't want to live with that for the rest of my life. So, I didn't give her the Morphine. And I should have. I still agonize over that four years later.

Her final breath was obviously very emotional for me. But it was more spiritual than I ever dreamed it would be. My brother was at her feet. My stepdad and I holding her hands. My brother said, "She's gone. Momma's gone". I checked her pulse and there wasn't one. I'm not sure what came over me, but I immediately started praying. There was intense sadness but the same amount of relief. Watching someone you love suffer is absolutely exhausting. She wasn't suffering anymore and for that I was grateful. As sad as I was, I felt peace that she was in heaven with Jesus, my dad, her parents and the others who had gone before her.

We called hospice because they had to send a nurse to "pronounce" her and ended up waiting THREE HOURS! The lovely nurse who was on call (from earlier that night) wouldn't return my pages/calls. Did I mention she got fired? Yeah. I usually don't take pride in those sorts of things, but her behavior and lack of respect for our family was heinous in my opinion.

In the time we waited, we opened the envelope where she had written her final arrangements. I curled up in the fetal position on the other bed in her room and cried. And cried. And cried. At one point my stepdad came in and looked at her. He said, "You and Eddie (my brother) have someone to go home to. Who do I have now?" Broke. My. Heart.

One thing I regret is that I wasn't allowed to tell my mom that she was dying. I'm not pointing fingers or placing blame, but others in my family didn't want to share with her the reality of the situation. Their thinking was that if she knew the truth, she would give up. This might have been true. But, I think deep down she knew. I regret not being forthright with her because I think all of us could have had some really healing conversations with her before she left us.

So, four years without my mom. Even though she wasn't always the most positive, encouraging, uplifting person in my life, she was my mom. And she loved me. And I loved her. A lot. And I miss her every day!

Thanks for enduring this. I needed to write it.

Love,
Tonya

It's Late and I'm Overcome...

2011-04-12T22:44:00.003-04:00

...with emotion.

This will be short as it is late, and I need to go to bed. But, my heart is heavy right now, and I just need to share. Maybe it will feel a little lighter if I do.

Matthew is having a hard time settling tonight. I think his tummy hurts. I just went to his room and he needed more than just his paci. He needed some cuddling. Apparently, I did, too.

As I was rocking him, I was overcome with emotion. The wonderful weight of him on my chest. The fullness of his sweet self in my arms. The tears welled up in my eyes.

This was not always the case. I sat many nights in his room in that same rocking chair, rocking and longing for my Baby Grady. Missing his weight and breath on me. Arms empty and aching for him.

Tonight, I am so thankful for the gift of Matthew's life. For the joy and healing he has brought to my heart. For a God who created him, fearfully and wonderfully, to be part of our earthly family.

But, even among the happiness and love I feel for him, I can't help but remember the times when things were different. I still miss my first born boy. Even though he was still, he was still born. He was a person. His life mattered, even though he didn't live outside of me. He left a hole in my heart that belongs to him and him alone.

I don't take these moments with Matthew for granted. Not for one second.

But, my heart is heavy, for I know there are too many moms rocking in rocking chairs tonight with empty, aching arms. Tears streaming down their face.

And it simply breaks my heart.

I was that mom. And the pain of such loss still stings. And it never goes away. And I never forget. And I never want to...

Love,
Tonya

More on Matthew

2011-04-06T10:03:00.009-04:00

It's amazing to think that one year ago yesterday, we found out that Matthew was a boy, and I announced on my blog that I was pregnant with him.

When I look at this picture, I see someone who wasn't even sure her baby would live. And someone who certainly never thought the baby she was carrying would be having surgery exactly one year later.

I am amazed by Matthew and how well he is doing. He woke up at 8:30 last night, took some Tylenol, drank a bottle, ate some applesauce and hung out with us until about 10:30. He had a breathing treatment (it's a prophylactic thing since he had RSV and the breathing tube can irritate his airway), another bottle and that sweet baby slept till 7:30 this morning!

He woke up his normal happy self. Took more Tylenol, had a bottle and was back asleep around 8:45. It is currently 10:06 and he's still sleeping. (Update: he woke up at 10:30ish. He took a bottle and we played for a while and he's back down now for another nap. I would NEVER know he had surgery yesterday. Amazing! So thankful!)

He can't be on any straddle toys for 5 days, which means no exercauser for him. He is going to be so excited when he gets back in it...he loves that thing! We sat in the floor and played this morning, and thankfully, he still enjoys just being on his back to play, rolling from side to side. Hopefully by the time we go back to physical therapy next week, he will be sitting up pretty good. Hopefully! He's getting better each day.

I'm so thankful for the anesthesiologist we had yesterday. She was very conservative and she even used the word "obsessive" to describe herself. Love that! She was an older woman who has been doing this 30+ years. She brought up some great points about Matthew's hole in his heart (PFO - patent foramen ovale). She said we should discuss with his cardiologist the possibility of an air bubble in IV tubing getting through his PFO. She "de-bubbled" his tubing to the n'th degree, but it's something I never would have thought of on my own. She also had the surgeon use a local pain medication, instead of doing an epidural/caudal block, for longer pain relief post op. She didn't want to introduce anything into his spinal column or take a chance with his porencephaly. I was literally in tears because she was so thorough and careful with him. The anesthesia was my biggest worry of this surgery, and after meeting with her, my mind was at ease. I was so very thankful for that.

I was also thankful that I talked to the surgeon about checking Matthew's right side, too. I had noticed that his sac was bigger on the left and right as the day progressed. The left was definitely bigger, but it made me a bit suspicious. I hated the thought of Matthew having an extra incision just for the sake of exploration, so needless to say, it felt good when there actually was a problem...justification for the extra cutting. I certainly didn't want him to have to go through this again later down the road!

That about sums it up for now. The weather here is beautiful, and the winds have finally calmed down. I'm sure lots of time will be spent outside the rest of this spring break week. Will try to post again soon. Thanks again for your prayers!

Love,
Tonya

Home!

2011-04-05T17:36:00.007-04:00

In the lobby, waiting to be called for surgery. I was a trooper for not having much to ~~eat~~ drink this morning!

Been weighed. Vitals taken. Gown on. Ready!

Mommy decided to make Daddy be the one to go back with me until I went to sleep.

Daddy rested his eyes and Mommy read her book while they waited for me. The anesthesiologist came out and told them she got my IV on the first stick. I don't remember any of it!

About 45 minutes later, Dr. R came and told Mommy and Daddy that he was all finished with my surgery. He said I did have TWO hernias, but the second one was smaller than the first. I'm so glad Mommy asked him to look on the other side.

The nurse brought me to my Mommy's arms when I was ready. I was SOOOO sleepy still.

Then all of a sudden, I decided I was ready to wake up. I opened my eyes a little earlier, but I was too sleepy to keep them open. I drank some apple juice and some Mommy milk and was ready to go home!

I found the red light on my pulse oximeter very intriguing and couldn't stop playing with it.

The IV in my foot didn't bother me much at all.

We were hoping the nurse would hurry up and come take my vital signs one more time so we could go home!

Ahhh. There she is! Let's go!

------------------------------------------

I forgot to take a picture of us leaving. We were starving and ready to head home. The actual surgery probably only took about 45 minutes. Matthew pulled the trick of holding his breath in recovery, so they monitored him for a little longer than normal in the post op room. So far he has done great. He's a bit fussy but not too bad. At least not yet. The doctor didn't give him anything for pain. Tylenol or Mortin should do the trick. He is currently sleeping again, so we'll see what the night brings.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, prayers and comments. It means the world to me that you care for our boy and our family so much!

Oh, and the spacing with all these pictures is driving me crazy! But I'm too tired to go in and fix them all. Maybe later...

Love,
Tonya

The Big Day

2011-04-04T14:45:00.007-04:00

Tomorrow is Matthew's surgery. It is scheduled for 12:30pm and should last about an hour, maybe a little longer. I spoke to the nurse at the surgeon's office Friday and they are going to go ahead and check the other side while he is under anesthesia. We have to be there at 11:15. Fortunately, I'm still pumping breastmilk because he can have a bottle tomorrow morning as long as he is finished by 6:30. I'm planning to get him up in the night, around 11:30 or 12:00, to give him an extra feeding. Just because.

Of course, I'm anxious about the surgery. But I'm more anxious about the anesthesia. I'm just praying that everything will go fine and telling myself that babies have surgery every day, many of which are much more severe and intense than what our little bear is having done. Somehow that makes me feel a little better. A little.

I know many of you have already been praying for our sweet boy and we SOOOO appreciate that! Please pray that everything goes smoothly with the surgery/anesthesia, with no complications. Also, please pray that he won't be screaming hungry in the late morning. He does love to eat! Hmmm, guess he gets that from his Momma!

I will update tomorrow afternoon/evening when I have a chance.

Thanks again for praying!

Love,
Tonya

What.......?

2011-03-31T11:32:00.006-04:00

What to blog about? That's the question that plagues me these days.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten on this page to compose a new post, but then I change my mind. I just don't know what to write about. And it's not for a lack of ideas, for my brain is surely swimming with lots of thoughts and feelings about lots of different things.

Example:

I could blog about how I'm missing Grady and my mom something terrible these days.

I could blog about how I've seen certain friendships in my life change over the last two years. Some in good ways. Others not so much. It makes me happy and sad. Mainly sad.

I could blog about how happy my heart feels when Matthew smiles at me, first with his eyes.

I could blog about how I miss my husband terribly on these intensely busy, long days of work and school. I keep telling myself this is a season of life that won't last forever.

I could blog about how I've done a decent job of keeping my house straightened up since cleaning it really good a couple of weeks ago. Sure there are places that need my attention, but it's much better than it was.

I could blog about how I've grown to love the bookmark tool on the computer, and I recently used it to pick out my necklace I want for Mother's Day this year.

I could blog about the fact that I'm excited to get my hair done tomorrow and am seriously considering chopping it off. Seriously.

I could blog about how anxious I am about Matthew's upcoming surgery...more the anesthesia than the actual surgery.

I could blog about how excited I am that next week is Spring Break for Gib and the girls...even though Gib has already informed me that most of his time will be spent doing school work. But if things work out, I will be seeing one of my besties from out of town. :)

I could blog about the fact that Jessica has a boyfriend, and I'm ~~a wee bit~~ a lot freaked out about it, seeing as how they ride the bus together. And one of her friend's took their picture this week. And his arm was very awkwardly around her shoulders (note: hand not even touching her shoulder!). And how my stomach felt a little sick when I saw it. And how Jessica said he only put his arm around her because her friend told him to. And how I don't want to admit that she's growing up...

I could blog about how good it feels to have some bills paid off from our recent tax refund. And barring anything unexpected, we have enough left to take a summer vacation. :)

I could blog about how scared we were for Gib's brother and his family last week in Colorado, when the wildfires came within one mile of their house and they had to evacuate, not knowing if their home was still standing or not. Everything turned out fine.

I could blog about how easy it is for others to blow things off. But I guarantee if it was happening in their life, it would be a big deal to them.

I could blog about how Emma Grace's school conference went absolutely great yesterday. She is doing great, reading on a third grade level and blowing her teacher away with her math skills. She is pretty amazing when it comes to numbers, I must admit.

I guess I should have just done a "Tidbits" post, but I honestly didn't know where this was going when I started writing. I could take each one of these ideas/thoughts and expand them into a full post. But I just don't want to today. So there.

So long.

For now!

Love,
Tonya

Disappointed

2011-03-25T22:21:00.004-04:00

That about sums it up tonight.

I'm disappointed.

I really was hoping for good news today, but truthfully, I wasn't expecting it.

Why would I?

The hole in Matthew's heart has not closed.

It is tiny.

Very tiny.

It does not require surgery.

And, I'm so thankful for that.

But, I'm still disappointed.

It wasn't what I wanted to hear today.

Love,
Tonya

A Quick Request

2011-03-24T23:06:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to take a minute and ask you to say a prayer for Matthew's appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow (Friday). I'm not super anxious about it because even if the hole hasn't closed, surgery will not be necessary. PRAISE THE LORD! However, I would absolutely LOVE for it to be closed so we can mark this one off his list. One less thing to have to think about.

His appointment is at 3:30, and I am anxious about how he will behave. With the exception of today (in which he took NO afternoon nap...long day!), he has been napping from 2-3 hours in the afternoon. If he's super mad and agitated, they will not be able to get the pictures they need of his heart. I'm going to try to tweak his schedule a bit tomorrow and get him down earlier, but he doesn't do well with tweaking. He's a little man who likes his schedule! Please pray, also, that he is happy and cooperative. It's not painful at all, but it does take some time to really examine the area.

Thanks for the prayers! We appreciate them so very much! I will update as soon as I can.

Love,
Tonya

My Kiddos and MeMe

2011-03-23T23:22:00.009-04:00

We had a great visit with a special friend who my kids call MeMe. She is the mom of one of my best friends, April, from high school. She is like a second mother to me and a third grandmother to my children. She always remembers them and makes them feel special in all sorts of ways.

MeMe came to visit Monday afternoon. The girls had no idea she was coming, so they were very surprised. She took some great pictures of my kiddos. Words absolutely cannot describe how much I love these three.

And I got behind MeMe's camera and snapped this one of the four of them.

All of us are looking forward to another day with MeMe very soon. We love you! Thanks for coming!

Love,
Tonya

Online Photo Storage

2011-03-21T11:23:00.004-04:00

Happy Monday!

So far, I've been somewhat productive...if you count doing three loads of laundry, pumping milk, playing with my baby and now blogging. Oh, and getting the girls to school and cleaning up more from Emma Grace's birthday party yesterday. Now to make a weekly menu and grocery list. Uggh!

Gib finally showed me last night how to upload pictures from our camera to the computer. I was amazed at how easy it was, including making new folders and such. Now, I'm on the hunt for a good, FREE online photo storage option. I know Shutterfly and Snapfish are good for printing and such, but I want a place to store them, download from, share on my blog, etc.

Do you have a favorite online photo storage site/company? If so, please share who and why.

Thanks so much!

And, because I can just click on them and it's much easier than plugging my camera in, here are a few pics for you to enjoy.

Love,
Tonya

8 Months Old

2011-03-17T12:46:00.017-04:00

Matthew turned 8 months old yesterday, but his big sister got first dibs on the blog spotlight. The monthly picture proved to be quite a challenge this time. His toes or the sign were way more interesting than looking at me for a silly old picture!

That side wasn't working well, so I tried putting the sign on the other side.

Not much better. I love it, though, because this really portrays him at this age, which is exactly what I want!

Some facts about this sweet boy...

He is in 6-9 month or 6-12 month clothes and is wearing size 3 diapers (and so far I've really loved the Sam's brand!) He is only eating one full meal of solids each day, which is dinner. He just doesn't seem very interested during the day, and it's still a challenge with his sleep schedule. I could add it in, I guess, but then I feel like he would be eating waay too often. I want him to get enough, but I don't want to start bad habits of overeating. He is usually up from 4 or 4:30 - 7:00, which is the longest span of time that he is awake during the day. Dinner just makes sense and is the easiest meal to give him.

I took Emma Grace for her check up and put him on the scale. He weighed 20 lbs, 2 oz. He has gained almost two pounds in about a month. His cheeks are still huge and delicious, as are the rolls on his thighs. :)

He continues to be a great sleeper. He sleeps 11-12 hours at night and about four hours during the day, split between three naps. His daytime sleep schedule is becoming more and more regular which is nice to be able to plan outings around. Not that we do a whole lot, but when we do, it's nice.

His skin has become a challenge for me, though. He has always had sensitive skin, but he has some pretty bad eczema on his face. I'm trying to get it calmed down some, but I can't seem to find a certain "trigger". He doesn't get a bath every day, but I did bathe him today. I put some Aveeno Baby Eczema Care lotion on his body after his bath. BIG MISTAKE! When I went to change his clothes later in the day, he had a terrible rash all over his body. Uggh. It just looked like it felt miserable. But he wasn't a bit fussy. He got a second bath before bed, so hopefully it will look better in the morning. I'm looking into some natural baby products by Shaklee. I'm hoping they work. I've heard great things about them.

He is still getting the hang of rolling from his back to his tummy, and he continues to learn to sit up. His therapist did comment this week that his trunk muscles seem to be getting stronger. His biggest challenge right now is getting his right hand open AND putting weight on it. If you notice in the picture below, he is putting weight on his right arm, but his hand is in a fist. We want his hand open. I stretch it several times a day, and he will open it when he is trying to grasp something. But he does not like to have it open on a flat surface. I'm confident he will get there....in time. He is moving in the right direction, slowly but surely.

He is still very socially happy, and doesn't seem to have stranger/separation anxiety yet. I'm hoping he won't! He still loves to "talk" back and forth with us and at times "cough" with us. I have to share this story because it is SO cute. And typical of the male species, I think...

Wednesday, I was pumping, and he was in the exercauser next to me. I was talking to him while he was playing. All at once, he pooted and quickly turned to look at me. I acknowledged him, and he grinned a huge grin and turned his head away. He pooted again. He turned again to look at me to see if I'd heard. I acknowledged him, and he grinned and looked away. This continued several more times. I was cracking up, like seriously doing a belly laugh with tears in my eyes, because he was SO proud of his "talent". I would have loved to capture it on video.

His cardiology appointment got changed to next Friday. I was disappointed, but one more week isn't that long to wait. Maybe that hole in his heart just needs those extra seven days to close completely! His hernia surgery is scheduled for April 5th, and I'm ready to put it behind us.

He is cutting about four top teeth right now. His gums are completely swollen across the top, but he's such a trooper. Never fusses. Amazing! One broke the skin today. Funny thing is that it is not one of the middle two. It is the one just to the right of the right middle top tooth. Does that make sense? I hope so. He's gonna look so funny if his middle teeth don't come through soon!

He is doing great, and we just love him to pieces! His smile brightens my day, and his cheeks are simply scrumptious! Thank you so much for praying for our boy with us!

And, in case you were wondering, he finally did a face-plant into the sign!

Thank you, God, for this sweet little love!

Love,
Tonya

Happy 8th Birthday Emma Grace!

2011-03-16T22:30:00.010-04:00

(The pictures above were taken very early this morning before school.)

I cannot believe that my baby girl turned 8 years old today! It seems like just yesterday that she was born. We were filled with fear and uncertainty as to whether she would even live, and if she did live, we had no idea what kind of life she would have. (If you're new to my blog and have never read her story, click on her picture on my left sidebar.)

God is good, and I give all the glory to Him for the gift and blessing of her life. He used the wisdom and knowledge of the NICU doctors and nurses to take excellent care of her. He used the advances in technology to help save her life (and her very sick, preemie lungs). It is only by His grace that she is alive and doing so well.

Praise God for this sweet and spunky, double-dimpled, green-eyed girl!

I hope her birthday was good; she said it was. I baked cupcakes to take to her class today. After school, she and I played a game of Sorry and attempted to put together a puzzle that I got her for her birthday. She enjoyed writing in a journal that her sister gave her, and after Jessica and Gib got home, we headed to Chick-fil-A for dinner (her choice).

Once home, she opened two more presents, both board games, per her request. Life and Pay Day. I can't wait until we have some time to learn both of them. :) We sang and ate chocolate cake, and by then, it was time for bed.

Her party will be Sunday afternoon, so the celebrating isn't over yet!

Dear Eggiey,

Happy Birthday sweet girl! I hope you will always know that I celebrate your life every day, not just on your birthday. I don't take one day of you being here with me for granted. You drive me crazy sometimes, but I love, love, love you! And I'm SO thankful that God chose me to be your mommy! I hope you had a great day today, and I can't wait for your party on Sunday!

Hugs and kisses and LOTS of love!

Mommy

Perspective. Progress. Patience.

2011-03-15T14:30:00.003-04:00

These three "P" words have been plaguing me lately. That and the word "time", but that's a different post for another day.

Perspective.

This is a work in progress for me. If I'm honest. I hate that Matthew has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, even if it is mild. And I'm SO thankful that it IS mild. But the words alone (cerebral palsy - CP) make me cringe for some reason.

Even though his CP mild, when I see him work so darn hard to put the fingers of his right hand around an object, it breaks my heart. When I see him want to sit up and can't, it breaks my heart. When he tries his hardest and just can't roll over, it breaks my heart. He's going to have to work harder than the normal baby, that's for sure.

My momma heart just wants him to be perfectly fine.

And he IS perfect.

He is perfect just the way God created him. And God knows I love him inside and out, just the way he is.

But I still don't like it.

And yet, I'm still trying to embrace it. (The diagnosis of CP that is.)

Unfortunately, through the circumstances of others, my perspective has changed a bit lately. Matthew's CP is still a big deal, and we are going to have to work hard with him, for sure. Honestly, I love working with him. I love seeing when he can do something new that he couldn't do just a few weeks ago. It is my honor and privilege to help him reach his full potential.

But, I do know things could be so much worse than they are. We are extremely blessed in these circumstances. It's not the way I would have written Matthew's story. But this is the way God is writing his story. And I accept it. I'm embracing it. And I'm trying hard to make the most of it every day, focusing more on the positive and less on the negative.

Progress.

Matthew has made so much progress since starting therapy in late January. Just at Christmas, he could barely move his right arm. Now he moves it and with much more purpose, reaching for objects and often transferring from one hand to the other. He has fallen in love with tags, which brings back great memories from Emma Grace (she loved tags on everything...so much so that my friend got her a taggie blanket.) That's beside the point. Matthew focuses hard and really uses his right hand at times to get the tags between his fingers. A taggie blanket might just be in his near future, too! He might have to borrow his sisters for the time being. Who cares if it's pink and has her name on it, right?!

He used to not tolerate being on his left side at all. He would fight me with all of his being when I put him in that position to play and practice rolling over. Now, he can get himself to his left side all by himself, resting with his right leg bent at the knee while his left leg is straight. He just has to work up the muscle strength on his right side to be able to hoist himself over the rest of the way.

*Update: He has started rolling over from his back to his tummy via his left side. YAY!

(Now I have to teach him to roll to the right side!)

He can sit in a tripod position a little longer now. His trunk muscles are getting a bit stronger. I can see progress. It's just slow. Which leads me to my last "P" word for this post.

Patience.

I need to be patient. I certainly don't want to wish away this baby time, and the time that I can still cuddle him and have him "under control" (ie. not crawling/walking). But it's very hard to see younger babies doing so much more than he can. I have stopped reading the Baby Center email updates on what your baby should be doing. His age has to be adjusted for his prematurity. He can do some things, but he's lagging behind on the motor milestones. Rather than get discouraged every time, I just don't read them. I know he will catch up.

And I will enjoy every second of him, just the way he is.

And I will rejoice and be thankful when he reaches a new milestone, like he did yesterday.

I just need to be patient.

And I need to add a fourth "P" to this post.

Praise.

Not only am I praising God for Matthew's accomplishment of rolling over yesterday, I'm praising God for a very special baby boy who was born. My friend, Sara, had a healthy baby boy yesterday. Levi Ryan is their rainbow baby, who is an amazing gift through God's grace and embryo adoption. Hop over to her blog to see pictures of him and celebrate the gift of his life. He's such a cutie!

Love,
Tonya

The Other Way...

2011-03-14T16:38:00.004-04:00

Matthew just rolled over the other way...from his back to his tummy! Not once, but twice!

GO MATTHEW!

And he didn't just roll over. He rolled onto his left side, which just two weeks ago he wanted absolutely no part of! This is such great news for him because it means he is activating the muscles on his right side.

I can't wait to tell his therapist tomorrow!

Working on another post which I hope to get up tomorrow but had to take a time out and document this huge milestone for my sweet baby boy. He is progressing slowly but surely. If you've been praying for him with us, THANK YOU!!!

Hope you are having a great day!

Love,
Tonya

Tidbits from T

2011-03-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

***I started writing this Monday and am just getting back to it. I would just delete it, but it has good family info in it that I want to document, and I certainly don't feel like starting over!

~Happy Monday everyone! I'm not sure I'm ready for this week, but it's here and I must embrace it!

~Jessica has her very first track meet this afternoon. She is very excited, and Gib and I are excited for her. I'm not sure if I have this right, but I think she is running the 4x400 and 3200 meter. We went after church yesterday to get her some spikes. I had never heard of them until now. I hope she is able to run in them because she hasn't practiced in them at all.

***Update: turns out she didn't need the spikes afterall!

Unfortunately, they are making up a meet from last week, so we will be at the track from 4-7pm. I'm not so sure Matthew will hold out that long, and it's much cooler today. I plan to stay as long as I can. She has another meet on Thursday and Saturday, both away. I'm not ready for all this traveling!

***Update: Jessica's meet went well. She completed her events and we were very proud of her for trying her best. Matthew, Emma Grace and I only stayed until about 5:45pm. It started to get cold when the sun went down, and Matthew was very tired (even though he slept on my chest in the Baby Bjorn most of the time). Jessica will not be traveling and participating in the track meet tomorrow because of limited entries and it being exam week. I am honestly happy to have her home. :)

She has also decided to try out for cheerleading. Oh me. We will support her in whatever she wants to do, but cheerleading is a very expensive activity and has become very dangerous. She did take a few years of gymnastics and cheered for a short time when she was 5 and 7, but other than that, she has no experience. I'm proud of her drive and desire to try new things. She says she is going to try out for volleyball in the fall.

~I'm not digging the lack of communication of middle school. I don't like to rely on my child to give me messages and details. I often have questions for which she has no answers. I never thought I would say this, but I miss the papers/memos that came home in the previous years.

~I took Emma Grace to get her eyes checked last week. I called on Tuesday and they happened to have a cancellation for Wednesday morning at 8:45. The pediatric ophthalmologist that we see is at Emory, over an hour from our house. It was rush hour, and without the HOV lane, we would have been seriously late! I ended up keeping her home the whole day because we didn't leave the appointment until after 11am.

Her eyes are great. She has 20/20 vision and everything else they checked for was fine. I voiced my concern about a brain tumor in disguised language so Emma Grace wouldn't hear me use those words. The eye doctor said that typically if there was a tumor in that area, the optic nerve would be enlarged/swollen, and hers was fine. That put me at ease a little. She has her well-check next week, so I will talk to her pediatrician about our next step then.

That girl's room is in some serious disarray. SERIOUS. She will straighten it, but she has so much stuff that it still looks messy. Unfortunately, we are going to have to have a day where we take everything out of the room, purge and sort, then try to put it back in order. She loves to hang onto the smallest things, and she knows where everything came from. She pulled out a random stuffed octopus last night that I had never seen before (well, apparently I had but forgot). She said she got it from "Mrs. Lori's treasure box at preschool". She was 3! Goodness me.

She has decided she wants a Hello Kitty birthday party this year. I'm planning to keep it simple and not too big. I've found a few cute games they can play. The goal is for her to have fun.

~Matthew has, what I believe to be, eczema on his face. They are tiny, round, red bumps in a cluster. I think he got too hot in his car seat yesterday and now he has a rash on his back and neck. I called the doctor to see what they recommend for eczema, but when the nurse called me back, I was in the middle of texting someone and pressed the mute button and she couldn't hear me. Then she hung up. I'm hoping she calls me back!

***Update, she never called back. I had to call her. She told me to use Eucerin or Lubriderm on his eczema. If anyone has any natural remedies, I would love to hear them. One patch is kind of close to his mouth.

Other than his rash, he is doing well. Gib has found that he absolutely loves to watch racing on television. I went grocery shopping yesterday for the week, so I was gone a while. I came home to find him STILL in his exercauser. Gib said he had had a great time watching the race on TV, in surround sound, of course. Whatever makes everyone happy I guess...

His surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, April 5th. That was the week I was hoping for because Gib and the girls will be on spring break. I don't know an exact time, but it will be an afternoon surgery.

Uggh.

Poor baby.

He can have clear liquids up to 4 hours before the procedure, but he is going to be HUNGRY! The good news is that it will be done at an outpatient surgery center much closer to our home; right next door to where he goes for his physical therapy, in fact. I'm anxious to get it over with!

He goes to the cardiologist next Friday, the 18th, to see if the hole in his heart has closed. I'm so glad that surgery won't be needed even if it hasn't, but I sure would like to just close that chapter completely.

~Gib continues to be super busy with school and work. We, unfortunately, don't see him much. And when we do, he's usually sleeping or has his nose in a computer. I keep telling myself this is just a season...this too shall pass. I think he tells himself the same thing.

~I had a great lunch on Saturday with a friend of mine from nursing school, and then I went to Walmart to exchange some things. It was nice just to be out by myself. I always feel so selfish for craving alone time, but I do, and I know it's good for me.

~I started reading the book "one thousand gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I'm only on chapter 2, but WHOA. It's the perfect book for me right now. I can relate to so much of what she writes and her words are definitely speaking to my heart.

~I had my yearly check up with Dr. Joe a couple of weeks ago. I had another full circle moment while there. He takes a picture of mom and baby at their 6 week check-up and has them hanging all over the halls and in the exam rooms of his office. I remember after Grady died how badly I wanted mine and Grady's picture on the wall. And I remember seeing a lady's picture whom I had seen at my last regular appointment with Grady and was very sad that his story hadn't turned out as well.

I looked for mine and Matthew's picture. I found it. And it brought great joy to my heart.

But, at the same time, I longed to have two pictures on Dr. Joe's wall.

I'm SO, SO, SO thankful for the one I have though!

We went to lunch afterward (Mexican, YUM!) and as always, it was fun. I got to hear all about his new adventures with raising chickens and building portable chicken tractors. I seriously don't know how he has time to be in practice by himself and do all these other things. I felt bad because I didn't get to talk to his staff very much. Dr. Joe talked my ear off! :) It felt like old times. I sure do miss seeing that crew regularly!

~Menu planning has gotten very boring for me. I feel like we eat the same things over and over, but I'm operating on quick, easy and affordable right now. Thankfully, my family doesn't complain or they might go hungry!

~I'm about over pumping milk. Seriously. I don't know what it is lately, but I'm really starting to hate it. I'm trying to hold off until he's a year old. But it's getting harder. I'm down to only four times a day which isn't too bad. It's definitely doable. I just gotta hang in there! I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself.

~I've started making daily lists. I try to keep it at 5 or 6 things so it's manageable for me. For some reason this helps me get things done. It's crazy, but there is definite satisfaction in crossing something off a list.

~Well, time to decide if I will be lazy or productive today. It's such a gloomy, rainy day here which immediately puts me into lazy mode. I don't have a list today...maybe that's my problem!

Love,
Tonya

Tiny Angels

2011-03-04T14:19:00.003-05:00

For my angel mommy friends. In honor of our babies, our "Tiny Angels", who we love and carry in our hearts forever.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.

How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.

Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.

Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?

Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

I Just Don't Post

2011-02-28T22:29:00.007-05:00

Lately, it seems that when I'm struggling with things, I just don't post.

When I was dealing with my raw grief for Grady, I posted A LOT. This was my safe place to come and share my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure why it has become hard for me to "go deep" lately.

Maybe I don't have the mental or emotional energy. Maybe I feel selfish. Maybe I think people don't really care what I have to say. Maybe I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe I don't want to sound like the "Debbie Downer" that I feel like I am.

You see, I'm struggling with some selfish thoughts that have to do with a few people in my life who I love very much. They all stem from expectations that I have or had at one point. (Speaking of which, I have a post that I started on December 19, 2010 still sitting in my inbox. I'm not sure if I will ever finish it and post it.)

I feel terrible that I expected anything from anyone in the first place, but it's hard for me to dismiss my feelings and brush them under the rug. Expectations only set you up to be disappointed. People will let you down, no doubt about it. Which is precisely why my eyes need to be turned more toward Jesus than people. That's a whole different post!

Anyway, in addition to that, my heart has been so burdened lately.

I'm heartbroken for the family of beautiful Kate McRae that her cancer has returned.

I'm heartbroken for the orphans in the world who desperately need a home. I found this blog recently and spent hours reading the story of the adoptions of their special needs children, one of who was five years old and weighed only 15 pounds when they brought her home. Her most recent post included a few children whose time is running out to be adopted before they are institutionalized forever. Oh, my aching heart. If I could save them all, I would.

I'm worried about my own little Emma Grace and her headaches. She is having them very frequently. They are not all severe, but they are all on the right side of her head and in and around her right eye. I've tried to pinpoint a trigger and can't seem to find one. I am going to have her eyes checked first, although I don't think that's her problem. She has some other concerning symptoms that precede her headaches, and to be honest, I'm scared to know what's going on.

Scared. To. Death.

Of course, my mind immediately races to the worst. I can't seem to help myself. I can't turn on a happy button and pretend that something might not be wrong.

My heart is heavy for my friend, Rachael, as her Baby David's first birthday is tomorrow and he is spending it in heaven. They came up with an awesome idea to celebrate his L.I.F.E. Visit her blog if you want to read more. I wish that I had thought of it myself to honor Grady. I need to figure out what I'm going to do to honor that precious boy and his family. I've been thinking about it but nothing has blown me away yet.

I'm anxious for my friend, Sara, as she is so close to having Baby Levi, praying every day for his safe arrival. I want him to be born now!

Oh, the list could go on. My heart is heavy. That's all I've got for now.

Love,
Tonya

The Park

2011-02-26T15:00:00.001-05:00

I absolutely LOVE the small town where we live. I have to admit that it was a HUGE adjustment when we first moved here, and the only thing I liked was the school. But, I have since met so many amazing, awesome friends, and my girls have awesome friends, too. We have settled into a church that we love, which isn't too far from here, and honestly, I would love to stay here until all of our kids graduate from high school.

But one thing that I don't love about this area is the park. My apologies to all of you native "---------ians" (I've never disclosed where we live on my blog, but if you live here, you know what that word is!). I mean absolutely NO disrespect to you or this amazing town we live in. But, coming from Gwinnett County, where the parks are new or newly updated, the park here was quite a shocker.

In fact, Jessica was 6 when we moved here. We were driving around and passed the park. I called it to her attention and her words were, "That's the park?!" Don't get me wrong...it has swings and slides and the essentials needed to have a good time. But we were very spoiled from our Mountain Park park that we frequented often.

All of that said, when I have the opportunity, I still enjoy taking the girls to the Gwinnett County parks to play. We have only been back to "our" park a couple of times since moving, but there is a great one near Gib's work that the girls enjoy.

Last Saturday, I volunteered at a consignment sale, and Gib had administrative duty at his high school. He took all three kids with him, and I picked them up when I was done. The weather was BEAUTIFUL, so we headed to the park.

I kept Matthew in the Baby B'jorn because he was absolutely exhausted from all the ladies oohing and aahing over him. He was interested in the noise for a bit, but then relaxed very sweetly on my chest. He didn't sleep until we got in the car to come home, but he sure was comfy!

My girls absolutely LOVE these spinning things. I would be sick as a dog, but they hold on for dear life and have me spin them FAST!

They see-sawed.

And went down the slides.

And ran around and just had a blast. Surprisingly, neither one of them got on the swings this trip.

Someone was MOST unhappy when it was time to go. I couldn't help but chuckle when I took this picture. It is SO Emma Grace!

I'M READY FOR SPRING TO COME AND STAY!!!

And maybe the next time we go, Matthew can try out the swings.

Maybe.

Love,
Tonya

Busted

2011-02-25T13:46:00.003-05:00

He was supposed to be sleeping. Instead I found him doing this...

Having fun with his paci...using that right arm!

GO MATTHEW!

Rolling...

2011-02-20T22:10:00.004-05:00

So I don't forget and so I can document the date, our big boy Matthew rolled from his tummy to his back last night! I got it on video, so I guess I need to enlist my tech-savvy husband to make it into something I can put here.

I was getting Matthew ready for a bath last night, and I put him in his crib with just his onesie and a diaper. He was really trying to reach and turn himself to get his paci. I ran to get the video camera. I just felt like he was going to do something big. He was so active and determined.

After trying multiple times and not being able to, Jessica helped him turn from his back to his tummy. Once on his tummy, he started kicking his legs and working hard. Before we knew it, he had worked his way from his tummy to his back! Jessica, Emma Grace and I were all there, so he had lots of cheering to help him celebrate. He was clueless, but we were PROUD! I hope this is a sign of more great things to come!

Maybe I'll get the video up, but I wanted to share for our family memories.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Love,
Tonya

Matthew, 7 Months Old, 2-16-11

2011-02-18T22:24:00.001-05:00

Sweet Matthew. I cannot believe you are 7 months old already!

You are growing too quickly for my liking. You are one of the cutest babies I've ever laid my eyes on. For sure! I don't think your cheeks can get any bigger. They are one of the things I love the most about you. I love, love, love to kiss them, which I must do about 100 times a day. My lips get lost in them when I love on you. Sweet love!

Last week when we took Emma Grace to the doctor, I put you on the scale. I made sure you had on a dry diaper and light weight clothes. The scale said you weighed 18 lbs, 6 oz! WOW! You have the sweetest rolls on your legs, chubby fingers and feet and a big pot belly. You are simply delicious! You are definitely getting longer because your onesies are getting too tight to button at the diaper. We made the jump to size 3 diapers, and you're mostly wearing 6-9 month clothes.

You are mainly still eating mommy milk. Some days you don't get any formula; others 2-6 oz. You are eating one meal of solids a day, mainly because that's all I can fit in with your sleep schedule. (More on that in a minute.) I don't give you much rice cereal because it really constipates you. You have one frozen cube of avocado and sweet potato in the evening when we eat dinner. Squash is next on the list for you to try. You still drink 6 1/2 oz of milk every three hours with a little deviation for your last two feedings. I forgot what a challenge it was to introduce solids into the daily schedule. I'm looking to get you a sippy cup soon so you can start practicing.

You are working super hard on your motor skills and development. You have improved even more with your right arm/hand. You move it almost equally as much as your left. You are spontaneously reaching with it to grab toys, and you are able to bring them to your mouth. I checked on you the other day at nap time and caught you holding your paci in both hands over your head talking to it...too cute! You are also learning to transfer an object from one hand to the other (usually from right to left).

You can now reach your toes by yourself on the right side. That leg isn't as flexible as your left, so you don't get it up as far, but baby steps are proving very successful for you. It wasn't long ago that you could only touch your knee on the right side, so you've come a long way baby!

You have such a desire to sit up, but your muscles just aren't strong enough yet. Because the cerebral palsy affects your right side, you tend to lean to the left. We are working hard on helping to activate your muscles on the right and keep you sitting straight when you do. We lean you to the left and wave toys on your right to get you to move toward them. We also prop you on your right elbow for a few seconds to try to build some strength in your neck and shoulder.

Each time you finish a bottle, you waste no time using your core muscles to try to sit yourself up. I had to put you in the bouncy seat the other day while I was in the kitchen. I looked down and you were working HARD to get out of that seat!!! Too cute!

I really have a hard time knowing what to do with you for play and stimulation. You and I spend a lot of time together on the floor or you in my lap. You love your exercauser, but you're not supposed to be in it much because you can't sit on your own yet. It has the potential to encourage your poor posture which we don't want. You love to be on your back under the activity gym or just on your back with toys to the side of you. But the back of your head is just a little flat, and I'm trying to keep you off of it as much as I can.

You want to turn over, but you don't want to do the work needed to accomplish that. You are SO resistant to being on your left side at all! Your physical therapist said that is because if you want to play, you have to use your right arm and those muscles on that side, and it's much harder for you. I make you do it, but you are one strong little bear! You give me a good fight for sure! Even the therapist said you were one of the strongest she has ever had. You tolerate your left side better, but it's not your favorite either.

Tummy time has gotten better, especially since a special someone bought you one of those bees off eBay! (Thank you so much! He loves it!)

They really stress this for you, and you are able to tolerate it longer than before, especially if I time it right. I hate it, though, because you only stay awake for a short time and you usually spit up a lot on your tummy. Oh well. You are finally able to push up for a short time on your hands and you even wiggle your legs like you're trying to crawl. This week, the therapist showed me how to try to get your right hand open when you're pushing up.

You have to be the best sleeper in the world. Seriously! I try to rock you for a few minutes to snuggle with you, but when you're tired, you just want to be in your bed. I give you your lovey lamb and paci, kiss you and tell you, "Night, night, I love you". And I walk out. You "talk" to yourself for a few minutes, and go to sleep. But as of right now, you don't cry. The only time you cry is when you're overtired and have lost your paci. Sometimes at bedtime, you will fall asleep with your bottle or on my shoulder while I'm burping you. I treasure those moments when you're asleep and snuggled in my arms. Truth be told, I could sit there and hold you all night! Well, maybe half the night 'cuz I love my bed, too!

I've actually been keeping a sleep journal for you because I think you sleep too much. Yep, too much! You go to bed anywhere from 6:30 - 8:00pm. I know that's a big range, but it all depends on if you get your late afternoon nap. If not, you're in bed very early. If so, you're up till about 8pm. You wake up from 6:00 - 7:00am. I usually have to wake you up on school mornings to feed you before we take Emma Grace to school, but I let you sleep as long as you can on the weekends. :) Once you're up, you only stay awake for 1 - 1 1/2 hours at a time and you're ready to go back to sleep. Sometimes you just need a little catnap, but most of the time you will sleep for at least an hour, sometimes two. I mentioned this to Dr. E and he didn't seem too concerned. He said the fact that you are happy and seem fine when you're awake is "worth its weight in gold". He mentioned that your brain could be repairing those neurons/cells that were damaged from your brain bleed and porencephaly, and your brain can't do that when you're awake. I think you're doing lots of growing, too!

You have found a crazy way to soothe yourself to sleep. It's very hard to describe, but basically you shake your head back and forth, from midline to the side, rubbing the back of your head on the bed. (I'm convinced you're going to have a permanent bald spot on the back of your head!) I first noticed it when you were sleeping with me when you had RSV. It concerned me at first because I thought you were having a seizure. You also do it sometimes when Jessica and Emma Grace talk to you in your highchair. And you have a huge grin on your face the whole time!

You are learning your name and will turn to me when I say it. You have also become very interested in our dog, Buddy. You love to watch him, and just the other night, you broke into a full-on grin just looking at him while he was sitting next to you. After dinner one night, you grabbed a handful of the fur on his head. You loved it, but he didn't think it was so great. In typical Buddy fashion, he tolerated it until I could get your hand free.

You have learned to blow air out of your mouth without producing bubbles. You love to "talk". You do great riding in the car (you only cry when you're overtired). You love to play on your back. You like to put your blanket/burp cloth/bib/lovey over your face to play peek-a-boo. But you don't know how to get it back off, so you end up getting frustrated. You still love to just lay in your crib and watch your mobile. We occasionally lift you up so you can see it up close and personal.

Your sisters absolutely adore you. Emma Grace has a hard time holding you because you are so big and squirmy. Jessica can hold you for a bit longer but not by much! You love to just watch them and you smile at them all the time!

You have stolen our hearts, precious boy! We are SO proud of you and SO thankful that you are part of our family!

We love you more than words can say!

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

Happy Valentine's Day! (and 15th anniversary)

2011-02-14T08:33:00.012-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! And a special wish to my sweet, wonderful, amazing husband. This is our 21st Valentine's Day together, even though we've only been married 15 years. In years past, we always celebrated this day by going to our favorite Chinese restaurant. In the early 90's, we had a couple of years when we were officially "broken up". But I would hold my breath waiting for the phone to ring to be asked out to dinner. And low and behold, he always came through. Off to Chinese we would go...as "friends". Yeah right...

Since I never got our 15th wedding anniversary pictures up, I decided I would share those today, in honor of my husband and the love we share. (A certain little someone decided to come into the world *early*, not long after our anniversary, which created a bit of chaos in our house, and I honestly forgot!)

In trying to decide where to celebrate, Gib suggested we go back to the place where we spent our wedding night, Chateau Elan. I thought it was a wonderful idea. We happened to mention to our waitress that we were celebrating our anniversary, and she brought us this beautiful plate of chocolate covered strawberries. It was hard to eat them, considering we had already enjoyed a huge dinner buffet and some sweets from the dessert table, but we I managed to put them away. I never turn down chocolate!

Our waitress took our picture in front of the fountain.

Then Gib and I went on a little stroll. We found a garden area with a bench and sat out as long as we could in the heat. This was on July 10th (anniversary July 8th). I was very pregnant with Matthew (actually I was only 32 weeks, but you know I get BIG! And for the record, this was the day that I had the excruciating pain in my uterus that led to me being hospitalized just days later). Hot summer night. Didn't last long!

I attempted to take our picture.

We saw another couple, who was also expecting a baby, and they very kindly took a picture of us.

I am holding in my hands the sweetest love letter EVER! I would love to share it, but it is too special, and I don't want to embarrass him. In it, he listed his top 15 memories/reflections of what he loves most about me. He then went on to say that we need to be married longer "because a list of 15 is nowhere near enough to list the things I love about you". Awww, how sweet! I'm hoping his list will be VERY long one day!!!

So, my sweet Gib, Happy Valentine's Day to you! I love you SO MUCH!

XOXO,
T

Tidbits from T

2011-02-10T08:18:00.004-05:00

**Emma Grace is home sick today. I had to pick her up early from school on Tuesday because she had such a bad headache. I truly think she gets migraines. They always start in her right temple and end up "in" her right eye, and I can't pinpoint a trigger. She didn't have a fever and nothing else hurt. After some medicine and a three hour nap, she woke up feeling much better. However, when she went to bed that night, the headache was back. I kept her home until 10:00 yesterday morning so I could monitor her and make sure she felt well. She was bouncing off the walls, playing with Buddy and seemed fine. But when she got off the bus yesterday, she said her throat hurt and she had another headache. Last night her fever spiked to 101 and again at 5am. She is still sleeping and we are heading to the doctor. Strep is running rampant through her class at school.

Sigh.

Can it be summer yet! PLEASE?!

**Snow is on the ground again here but fortunately everything is moving as normal.

**Jessica is running track and is absolutely worn out after practice every day. Poor thing came home, had dinner, showered and immediately started on her homework. We were still up at 10:15 last night working on a paper for Social Studies. Normally it wouldn't have been a big deal for her, but for some reason, the teacher decided that each paragraph had to have a compound sentence AND a compound complex sentence. REALLY?! For a Social Studies essay. Whatever. I was NOT happy! She just got the assignment yesterday and the rough draft was due today. Poor girl was so tired that she could hardly write. She will be in bed extra early tonight.

**Matthew continues to melt my heart every day. Jessica pointed out that he smiles with his eyes before his mouth actually forms a smile. Yes, he does. He is absolutely the best baby I've ever seen! I do worry that he sleeps too much, though. I am keeping a sleep journal before I contact the doctor about it, but on Monday he was only awake about 5 hours. He is perfectly happy and seems fine when he is awake, but he can't stay up longer than 1 - 1 1/2 hours at a time. When I lay him down, he goes right to sleep with no fussing. He sleeps 12 hours at night. I'm really not complaining. I just want him to be okay.

He has two white shining teeth on the bottom. He has learned to blow out of his mouth with no bubbles. And, of course, he's still a little chunk. I can't wait to plop him on the scale at the doctor today when I take Emma Grace.

**I'm very frustrated with Kroger. I understand that it's all about marketing, but I hate that they increase the price of items and then stick a yellow "LOW PRICE" sticker next to it. One week an item will be $2.99, the next $3.19, the next $3.55. It really makes me mad!

**I was hoping to take Buddy to the groomer to get all spruced up, but I've had too many extra things hit my budget this month. Gib and I are going to have to suck it up and do it ourselves. I hate to bathe him, but he's overdue for sure.

**I'm trying hard not to be bitter and hurt by a few people in my life. I hate when people don't keep their word. If you say you're going to do something, then do it. I understand that life is busy and things come up. But when it happens over and over again, enough is enough. Don't make promises that you can't keep.

**I'm excited about an upcoming consignment sale in our town. I'm volunteering for a three hour shift so I can shop early. I'm looking for some toys for Matthew and some clothes for that growing boy! We made the official jump to size 3 diapers yesterday. I couldn't squeeze him into size 1-2 any longer. Poor boy. We gave the extras to his girlfriend across the street.

**I went to Sam's yesterday and treated myself to a piece of pizza and a diet coke (mixed with just a taste of cherry coke) all for $3.00. It was a BIG piece of pizza and it was yummy! Truth be told, I could have eaten two! Yes, I am still a pig these days!

**And last but not least, my sweet friend Sara is having a hard time. She is in the hospital on bed rest with a miracle baby who was conceived through embryo adoption. AMAZING! Her fifth baby, Samuel, was stillborn just a few days before our Baby Grady. She is traveling down that scary road of pregnancy after loss, and she had quite a scare with the baby last night. If you feel led, please pray for her peace of mind and the safety of Baby Levi. And pop over and give her some blog-love right here if you want.

That's all for now. Gotta shower and get ready for our trip to the doctor. I am NOT excited about taking Matthew in the sick waiting room. I will find an alternative if at all possible!

Toodles!

Better

2011-02-07T09:08:00.003-05:00

Just thought I better pop in for a minute and let y'all know that today is a better day. At least it is so far! Lots of things are going on with me right now. Not sure if I will share, but I would appreciate your prayers...

I'm trying to get used to this new routine Emma Grace has embarked on. She now wants to ride the bus in the mornings which is great because I don't have to wake Matthew or get out in the school traffic. But, I had my "groove on" for our morning routine and it has gotten changed up a bit. Quite a bit in fact. The biggest challenge is getting her up, dressed, fed and to the bus stop by 6:44. (We weren't leaving home till about 7:10 when I drove her.) I find myself holding my breath for Matthew to wake up. He goes so long at night that when he wakes up he is hungry NOW! Speaking of, sweet boy went to bed last night at 6:50 pm and slept till 7:00 this morning! He was only up for 50 minutes, and he was ready to go back down. It is now 9:15, and he's still sleeping! That Little Bear does love to sleep!!! And I love that he loves to sleep!

On a different note, I've enjoyed making my own baby food so far. Granted I've only made avocados and sweet potatoes but it's easy and much more economical! He gobbles up the avocado and had his first taste of sweet potato yesterday. He loved it, too! I'm still trying to figure out how and when to incorporate his solids, though. Right now it's kind of "fly by the seat of our pants". It has been a long time since I've done this. It will all fall into place eventually, I'm sure.

I hope all of you have a wonderful week!

Love,
Tonya

If...

2011-02-06T13:04:00.001-05:00

The phrase, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" can't be more true than it is today.

That's all I have to say.

For now.

Oswald

2011-02-04T08:28:00.006-05:00

Emma Grace took the bus to school for the first time yesterday morning. Jessica came home from school Wednesday sick with a stomach bug. (I'm not 100% convinced she didn't get a bad chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A because she said she was perfectly fine until she ate. She went with the school to celebrate getting all A's on her report card, compliments of the school. Nice treat for the kids!)

Anyway, Emma Grace thought the bus was fun and wanted to ride it again this morning. But after she got up and heard the rain, she wanted me to drive her, then wanted to ride the bus, then drive her and so the story goes. She ended up riding the bus. (And a big thank you to Nicole who kept both of my girls dry this morning with her umbrella!)

Since Emma Grace was up early and had already eaten breakfast, I turned Oswald on for her. After she was safely on the bus, I sat back down to finish giving Matthew his bottle. Oswald was still on. The remote was too far away, and I was too lazy to get up again with a 17 lb bundle in my arms. So, I just sat and watched.

Weenie, the dog, had lost his ball of yarn. It fell out the window and kept rolling away. He and Oswald followed its trail. Along the way, it had tied people up and gotten caught in trees. When they found what was left of it, the dog, Weenie, was still able to play with it. On the way back to untangle everyone, they had found ways to play with it and make it useful. It was used as a jump rope, a swing, a clothes line, a knitting project, a hammock, a limbo stick, etc.

It reminded me of the following post that I wrote a long time ago about my grief and a ball of yarn. My reflections about all of this are below, after this post.

My Grief & A Ball of Yarn

What could those two things have in common???

A LOT!

Today has been one of those days where I've had a lump at the base of my throat all day. The tears wanted to come, but I wouldn't let them. Although, for some reason, I almost fell apart at Kroger tonight. No trigger. Nothing. Just almost started crying. But I composed myself. I fought it hard. The tears didn't come.

I haven't had a good cry in a long time. I let the tears well-up in my eyes and then blink them away. I keep swallowing until the lump doesn't feel quite so big. I keep taking very deep breaths so that I can get some air to help me not feel like I'm suffocating so much. It just takes soooo much energy to grieve. It takes soooo much energy to have the kind of cries that the love and hurt and lost memories of Grady bring about. There are times that I just don't have it in me to let go. And there are times when I don't feel "safe" to let it out.

You see, what I've found with this grief, is that it is somewhat of a personal thing. Yes, it is great to share my feelings with those who love and care for me. Yes, it is great to share my feelings with those who have walked a similar road. No, it is not good for me to keep it in. But the truth is this.....the ugly cries that really need to come to work through something like this are best done in private. Not just so no one sees how truly ugly I am while crying but for me to get the maximum benefit, or release, out of that sob session. And for me, that's literally what it is.

I think for many people they don't grasp the depth of the pain of losing an unborn baby. People say things like, "At least you didn't get to know him", "Something might have been seriously wrong with him", "At least you have two other children", "There's a reason". I don't know why, but one of the things I hated MOST to hear after Grady died was, "Well, you look good!" To me, that implied that I must be doing good if I looked good. Sure, the fact that I dropped 30 pounds in two weeks probably had something to do with it, but PLEASE! That is not the kind of weight loss regime that one desires! Anyway, I got so tired of it, that one night, when some poor soul (and I honestly can't remember who it was and if it was you and you're reading this, I do sincerely apologize!) brought a hot meal to our house, that person made the mistake of saying, "Well, you look good!" I know everyone who said this desperately just needed something positive to say to me and they were trying to make me feel better. But to this unfortunate person I replied, "Well that's a good thing because if the outside matched the inside, I'd look like sh--!"

So, what do my grief and a ball of yarn have in common?

When I went to my RTS Bereavement Training in March, we did an eye-opening exercise. We stood in a group of 6-7 people holding a ball of yarn. We were instructed to hold a piece of yarn in one hand and throw the ball itself randomly around the circle. Each time you threw the ball of yarn, you held onto a piece of it and you had to name how a mother (and/or father) bonds with the baby before that baby is ever born. So, our ball of yarn got thrown around the circle several times. Some ways mentioned that bonding occurs were hearing the baby's heartbeat, seeing the baby on ultrasound, feeling the baby move and kick, feeling baby's hiccups, preparing the nursery, naming the baby, baby showers, buying clothes/diapers, imagining life/holidays/vacations with the baby, etc. You get the idea.

All at once the leaders told us to stop. We then raised our arms over our heads and held up this "web" of yarn. It looked pretty cool from the bottom looking upward at the intertwined pieces of yarn. Then they told us to drop our yarn in front of us. It didn't look so cool anymore. In the middle of us was A BIG MESS! It was then explained to us that this is what grieving parents, who have suffered a loss, EVEN BEFORE BIRTH, have to unravel. As we were trying to "wind up" the yarn back into a neat ball, we kept encountering knots where the yarn would have to be more carefully worked with.

This is much like the grief that I have been, and still am, working through. From the viewpoint of an outsider, it shouldn't be that hard to lose a baby before he was born. After all, "I didn't get to know him". But nothing could be farther from the truth. I knew Grady very well. I knew him better than anyone else. And I knew him for 36 weeks and 5 days.

And I'm trying to clean up that mess and unravel the tangled yarn internally. You see, that tangled yarn is a good depiction of how my insides feel. It tells the story very well that my heart is broken. That even if I can work through some of the heartache, I will encounter bumps or "knots" along the way that may take longer to straighten out. That yarn is the clean-up that I'm trying to tackle every day. That mess of yarn represents the memories that I have of Grady, the memories that I won't get to make with Grady, the deep love that I will always have in my heart for Grady.

He's my son. My baby boy.

And I will never forget him!

And I will never let anyone else forget him, either.

And although I can't physically carry him here in my arms...

I will always carry him in my heart, forever and ever!

The original ball of yarn that bounced out Oswald's window was very much like my grief in the beginning soon after Grady died. While I've unraveled and worked through many of the kinks and knots of this "messy ball" in the last two years, the yarn and grief are still a part of me.

The ball of yarn started to unravel and I had to deal with each piece of it as it did. I had to learn how to live with it. How to incorporate it into my life and how to make the best of the situation I was faced with. The show paralleled this idea when everyone was first all tied up and tangled in it. But instead of being miserable, the characters decided to make it useful. Just like us grieving mommies have to decide to move forward. It's a choice. One that takes a lot of energy and hard work.

And what's left of the ball is usually then small enough for us to live with, cope with and tolerate on a daily basis. Just like Weenie was still able to play with what was left of his small ball of yarn. I'm so thankful that the ball gets smaller because I honestly can't imagine if it stayed as big as it starts in our hearts.

Love,
Tonya

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-02T06:00:00.003-05:00

The joys of having two big sisters!

Tidbits from T

2011-01-29T09:45:00.005-05:00

**So glad today is Saturday. And I'm even more glad that we are expecting beautiful weather. Sunny and 60 degrees! I plan to get myself and all the kids outside today for some Vitamin D! Maybe I'll attempt to wash my van. Not sure yet. But I definitely want to open the windows when it is warmer and let in some fresh air!

**Gib and I had a date (sort of) last night. We went to a couples baby shower for some friends of ours. It was lots of fun to hang out and just be out together without the kids. Except I didn't see my hubby much as I mainly hung around the fondue table, eating, drinking and socializing. Good times!

And for the record, just one more time, I would totally have another baby if my body and husband would allow it. I love all things baby! But it's just not gonna happen.

**I'm regretting the fact that the physical therapist suggested we blow up our exercise ball for some of Matthew's therapy. My girls constantly fight over whose turn it is.

**I have lots of errands that I need to run today, but I'm choosing not to. I really just want to be home with the kids and not so busy, especially after the busy week we had.

**I ran across a blog yesterday whose baby was born without a heartbeat, but they revived him and he lived for 9 days. They concluded that he laid on his cord. Exactly the same speculation as Grady. I can't get that family off my mind, and I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had gone to the hospital sooner. It wasn't meant to be. My heart breaks for them.

**I've really enjoyed some of the new shows on Oprah's new OWN television channel. My faves so far are Enough Already with Peter Walsh and Behind the Scenes, Season 25. I watched an episode of Enough Already this morning and the woman reminded me a lot of myself. She had suffered a lot of death/loss in her life, too. Except I don't have the amount of clutter she did. But I will admit that every time I have to throw away something that my girls make, it creates tension inside of me. I know I have to get rid of things and can't keep everything, but I have to MAKE myself do it. Otherwise I'll end up on one of those shows. However, I would love for a professional to help me organize!

The point I was trying to make, before I got sidetracked, was that I love reality TV. The Biggest Loser is probably my all-time fave.

**My family room looks like baby central, and honestly, I love it. There's a swing, exercauser, activity gym, bouncy seat, another activity mat and random toys. I clearly remember a time when I longed for these items to fill my house, but instead it was the same as it was before, with no evidence of a baby being born anywhere except in my grieving heart. I'll take this clutter any day!

**I enjoy my pajamas way too much. If we don't have something planned, I often stay in them most of the day, which I know makes me less productive. It might sound crazy, but if I shower and get dressed early, I am more productive. I said at the beginning of the year that I was going to be better about this, but it hasn't happened yet. Just like exercising hasn't happened yet. It's all about choices, and I haven't been making the right ones in these areas. *SIGH*

**I reactivated my Facebook account and found an old friend that I grew up with. It has been so nice to reconnect with her and find out how she and her family are doing. She is one of four other friends who share my same birthday, September 10th. Only one of the others was born the same year as me. Pretty cool to personally know that many people born the same day!

**Speaking of being productive, its noon and I need to get busy doing something. I made breakfast but need to do the dishes and start some laundry.

Here's to another relaxed, ordinary day at home with the fam!

Love,
Tonya

Appointments and Teeth

2011-01-27T22:23:00.001-05:00

This has been the week of appointments for sure!

Tuesday, Matthew had his first official physical therapy appointment. It went really well. Unfortunately, it was not the same one who did his evaluation, so she was not able to see the improvement he had made on his own since our last visit. I really like this lady, though. She's very good, sweet and gentle with him. She commented on how happy he was and how much he smiled. She said that she could "see pure joy on his face". Yes. That's what he brings me every day.

PURE JOY!

He wants nothing to do with the reclining position anywhere (which makes me very sad because we/I have loved the bouncy seat!). It's all about trying to sit up these days, and he's getting a little better with tummy time. In fact, he stayed on his tummy the longest he ever has during therapy. They had the coolest Playskool bee that he absolutely loved. I was ready to go buy one for him until she told me they were really old. Oh well. If I were more knowledgeable about ebay, I might try there, but it just overwhelms me!

I wish I had gotten a picture of him on his tummy with the bee, but this is the only one I got this week. Tummy picture next week for sure!

Yesterday was Matthew's big day of appointments. Thankfully, Gib decided at the last minute to go with me. The weather started out terrible. It was so nice to have an extra set of hands and a chauffeur to drop us off and pick us up at the front door. Thanks BeBe!

First was his appointment with the pediatric surgeon. I REALLY liked this doctor. He had an excellent bedside manner, but we did not get the news we were hoping for. Our Little Bear must have surgery. Instead of having a hydrocele like we thought, the doctor called it a hernia. His intestine has not fallen into his sac, but there is a definite opening that did not close between his abdomen and scrotal sac. It starts out small in the morning and gets larger as the day progresses. This is a sure sign that there is fluid communicating between his abdomen and his sac. He said it didn't feel like a simple hydrocele where the fluid is contained, and that it will not close on its own. The doctor went into a long explanation, but the gist of it is that prolonging the surgery could impair the development of his testicle on that side. So, we are going to try to schedule surgery in April during the week of spring break. He goes back to the cardiologist in March for another echo to check on the hole in his heart. The doctor said the anesthesiologist would want an echo before surgery and that it was fine to wait until then. I'm not excited but am thankful that it is a common surgery and will be done as outpatient. I will certainly be asking for prayers as the time gets closer!

I was amazed that we were in and out of the surgeon's office within an hour! Fortunately, the neurologist (who is across the street) was able to see us early, so off we went.

Matthew had a very good visit and got a great report from the neurologist. However, Mommy did not have such a good time. I don't like change, and I don't embrace it well, even though I know it's a part of life. I was expecting Dr. S., Mr. Personality himself to come in, but instead walked a tall blond woman who was the PA. There is absolutely nothing wrong with PA's, but we did not schedule our appointment with her, and I did not want to see her. Especially since Dr. S was there. I did not hide my surprise well and actually was very rude to the woman when she walked in. She was very nice, but I still don't know how we ended up with her. And I did apologize for being rude. But even when I was checking out, the receptionist looked puzzled and scheduled his next visit with Dr. S. Part of the reason I was disappointed was because I wanted him to see how Matthew had improved. Oh well. Maybe Matthew will blow his socks off when we go back in 4 months.

Yep, 4 months!

If you remember from Matthew's 6 month check up, I was concerned about his head circumference. They measured his head at the neurologists office and plotted it on their growth chart. I voiced my concern to the PA, and she showed me the curve and where Matthew plotted. He is following the curve almost spot-on which is exactly what we want. This put my mind at ease.

Matthew has a few small flat spots on his head that I'm a little concerned about. Emphasis on the word *little*. He likes to sleep in certain positions and often falls asleep in his car seat on the way home from taking the girls to school. I leave him in the car seat on the floor of his room and he takes the best nap! Anyhoo, I wanted her to look at these areas. She said she could see what I was talking about and that it didn't concern her right now. But then she said we could do a "banding screen" at the children's hospital to screen him for potential problems, etc. I politely declined a test that isn't absolutely necessary right now. I truly think once Matthew learns to sit up, it will help tremendously. It will also help when he learns to roll over and sleep on his tummy. I can't wait to see him curled up in a little ball with his bottom in the air...

We were home by noon yesterday and our second appointment wasn't supposed to start until 11:40. Woo-hoo! Gib worked on school work, Matthew napped, I messed around on the computer and enjoyed connecting with a childhood friend on facebook (yes, I reactivated my account last weekend), and enjoyed some snuggle time with my Little Bear when he got up from his nap.

Today I took Matthew to get his 6 month shots that I delayed from last week. He cried, of course, but recovered nicely and was smiling again in no time. Fortunately, with the exception of physical therapy next week, we don't have any more scheduled appointments in our near future.

--------------------

Quickly onto another topic...teeth.

Jessica lost her last baby tooth last night! I can't believe it! She is done with baby teeth forever. It really does make me sad that she's growing so fast. This means that she will definitely be getting her braces in May. Oh me. Good times. I guess. She's excited, but I know from experience that the excitement wears off very quickly!

And Matthew is cutting his second tooth already! I noticed it night before last while bathing him and dug my fingers in to get a better look today. I can't wait to see two pearly whites shining below when he flashes his handsome smile, which is like, all the time!

That's all for now.

Love,
Tonya

Double Dog Dare-A-Thon

2011-01-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

Saturday night, the middle and high school ministries of our church hosted the annual Double Dog Dare Marathon. From 8-10pm, they issued a new dare every 10 minutes for the students to complete. The winner of each dare would be awarded a prize the next morning at church.

Jessica invited two friends with the same name, Sidney and Sydney, to share in the fun. However, Sidney with the "i" (featured on my blog many times before) wasn't feeling well and couldn't make it. We sure did miss her!

Apparently, the girls had a little photo shoot of their own before the dares started rolling in.

I do LOVE these two! Could eat 'em up!!!

Jessica and Sydney.

I think they are trying to be models...oh me!

Here are the dares as best as I can remember:

Dare: Build the biggest fort you can. Not that big definitely fun making it!

Dare: Make a sundae on someone's face using ingredients of your choice. We didn't have ice cream, so we used mayonaise and chocolate frosting topped with sprinkles, black eyed peas and icing. The X across Jessica's face stands for Xtreme, which is what the middle school program at church is called.

Dare: Dress up in a costume. I was putting Matthew to bed for this dare, so I'm sure I don't have it 100% correct. Jessica had all sorts of different clothes on, starting with a dress she wore years ago to a Daddy-Daughter dance.

Dare: Cover yourself up to your head in something, inside or outside. (The winner covered himself in wood.)

Dare: Put as many spices in your mouth as you can at one time. Spice labels must be in the picture. We took these spices and put a little of each on a spoon and dumped them on Jessica's tongue. I thought this was a lot, but a friend of ours son won with 37 spices! The pictures that follow tell what it tasted like...

Dare: Make a mummy out of duct tape. We had to borrow some duct tape from our neighbor. Gib was nice to Sydney and didn't wrap her too much. If it had been Jessica, I have a feeling she would have been COVERED! We did have to help her stand up and make sure she didn't fall and hurt herself. She was able to waddle like a penguin which was cute!

Dare: Paint your face like a superhero or villain. We chose the Joker. JESSICA WON FOR THIS! She won out of the 6th, 7th and 8th grades. She got a gift card to a yogurt place that looks pretty cool. Can't wait to visit and use it! She plans to take Sydney with her to celebrate.

Dare: Build the tallest tower you can out of whatever you wish. We couldn't think of much, so I suggested putting it on top of some chairs.

Dare: Blow up and attach as many balloons as you can to someone.

Jessica couldn't move. She had 63 balloons pinned to her! We counted as we popped them in the picture below.

Dare: Do something that makes you laugh. Well these girls couldn't think of much, except for the fact that every time they stare at each other, they laugh...

The girls participated in every dare except one. It was to put as many clothes pins on someone's face as you can. OUCH! We only had a few, so we knew they wouldn't win. Gave them a little break to rest.

Lots of fun and looking forward to it again next year!

Love,
Tonya

Touched By A Text

2011-01-23T21:47:00.006-05:00

I have a lot of friends who are pregnant or who have recently had babies. I have friends in all different age groups, but I honestly never thought I would be 38 and have this many friends still having babies, let alone have a six month old myself!!! I had my first when I was 26. My plan was to have four children, each three years apart, which would have meant I would be finished having babies at 35. Well, we all know the best way to make God laugh is to make a plan of your own.

That's not the point of this post...

One of my good friends had a baby just a little over a week ago. I saw her and her beautiful baby girl at church this morning. I am so happy for this sweet friend. This is not her first child or marriage, but she has finally found true love and happiness in a wonderful Godly man, and she deserves every bit of it!

I received ~~a text~~ three texts back-to-back from her today. The following is what I read...

"I want to tell you that I held [baby girl's name] today and just cried for you. I cannot imagine how empty your arms felt. I don't mean to bring this up to cause you to cry but to honestly be able to tell you how sorry I am that God had that in His plan for your life. I know that His will and plans are always perfect but that doesn't mean that we always like the road He takes us on. You are an amazing and strong woman to endure what you have and I admire you and your never ending faith in Him."

This meant so, so much to me. Two years after Grady went to heaven, she is still thinking about me and my empty arms and what it must have been like.

I wish I could say that I don't remember, but I remember all too well...

I remember the gut-wrenching realization that he wasn't moving anymore and wasn't going to move again.

I remember the words of Dr. Joe, "I don't see a heartbeat either," confirming what I saw on the ultrasound screen.

I remember not knowing how in the world I was going to give birth to a dead baby.

I remember not knowing how in the world we were going to tell the girls their baby brother had died, inside of me. That just wasn't supposed to happen.

I remember how deafening the silence was in the c-section room when he was born and there were no cries...only sniffles of those in the room.

I remember seeing Grady for the first time, knowing he was dead but still warm from my body, looking like he was sleeping like a newborn might be.

I remember asking him what happened and why he had to go.

I remember spending two days with him, holding him on my chest and in my arms.

I remember kissing him goodbye, placing him in the basket and handing him over to the funeral director.

I remember crying myself to sleep in the rocker in the nursery, wishing to have him back on my chest to feel the weight of him safe at home and not just in a cold hospital room.

I remember the suffocating feeling of not being able to breathe deeply because my heart was so broken.

I remember waking up each morning and thinking, "No. Not another day to live through this hell."

I remember how it took me three hours just to get dressed because I was so depressed.

I remember how badly it irritated me when people would say "Well, you look good." What was I supposed to say in return? Thanks. My baby died. I'm not eating because I feel like I'm going to throw up all the time and I've lost 30 pounds in two weeks.

Oh, I remember every second of it. And it lives within me every day.

I'm so very glad that my friend didn't keep her thoughts and feelings to herself. It meant so much to me that she thought of me and Grady and let me know. Too often, people want to say things but are afraid of making that person cry or making them sad. Yes, I got very teary eyed when I read her text. But I was touched beyond belief. The tears are always there. They just surface more easily depending on the situation or circumstance.

I love the poem on my left side bar called Remembering by Elizabeth Dent. If you've never read it, take a minute to before you leave my blog.

And I don't know if this particular friend reads my blog regularly or at all, but if you do...

Thank you! I love you and am so happy for you!

Love,
Tonya