REALLY?!?!

Has it REALLY been six days since I've posted? I can't believe it! We've been busy this week...spent LOTS of time at the pool...had lots of errands to run...leaving not much blogging time for me. But that's okay. Summer is here, my girls and hubby are all home, so enjoy we will!

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REALLY?!?!

That word has been prevalent in my life lately, in many different and unexpected areas.

First of all, I've talked to several people lately who have sincerely asked how I'm doing...some close friends, some mere acquaintances. When I've expressed that I'm still struggling with Grady's loss, that's the response I've gotten...REALLY?!?!

Yes, really.

Why is it so hard to understand that I'm grieving my child who died? (more to come on that soon...)

And people wonder why it's so easy to put on the fake-face and act like I'm just fine!

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REALLY?!?!

I never, ever expected to get the reaction and responses that I did from my post about regrets. Not just comments on my blog, but emails too. They were all sent with the best of intentions, and I read every one of them. And, I admit...maybe I was a little too hard on myself. I shouldn't have used the word "stupid". That was just how I was feeling the day I wrote the post. And I ALWAYS try to be honest with you about my feelings. I had a friend even go so far as to look up the definitions of "stupid" and "shock" and send me a long email. After reading what she wrote (she works with bereaved parents all the time - it's her full-time job, in fact!), she was absolutely right. I was in shock. It's just that simple. When I was writing that post, I felt very stupid because some things were very clear to me while others were lost somewhere in the muddy-muck of my grief, sorrow and despair over my precious, beautiful, still son. I cannot go back and do it over. And this friend is right...she suggested not to give my regrets so much power...to accept them, be thankful for the good decisions I made and move on. I'm trying each day my friend! Thank you!

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REALLY?!?!

That was my reaction when Gib came to tell me that one of my friends called from her parents' house in IL to offer us their Disney Club vacation points that were going to be wasted. How amazingly thoughtful was that!?!? We picked some dates to try the Hilton Head Disney Resort, but unfortunately, everything was booked. We are on a waiting list...maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. But I was blown away by the fact that she thought of us out of all of the people she could have offered the points to. I know she reads my blog, so, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Your thoughtfulness means SOOO much to us!!!

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REALLY?!?!

That was my reaction to one of my neighbors at the pool last week. She came over to sit with me on the side of the pool while the kids were swimming. She sincerely asked how I was doing. She did NOT respond with a "REALLY?!?!?" when I told her I was still having a hard time...good days mixed with bad. She, in fact, told me how beautiful she thought Grady was and that she STILL has his announcement on her refrigerator. I would have NEVER expected that!

I tell you...nothing surprises me anymore. With the exception of a very few, the people I thought would have been there, and stayed close through the grief, seem to have drifted far, far away. The people I wasn't that close to and didn't think would give me and my situation much thought have been the ones to say and do the most touching things. I don't know if this person reads my blog, but if you do...Thank you so much! You touched my heart in a very special way!

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REALLY?!?!

That was the reaction I had when I got a call from Dr. Joe's (my OB) office Monday morning. I was told he had a "gift basket" for me.

I knew immediately what it was.

The night after Grady was born, Dr. Joe came in and sat on my bed with me for over an hour. He held Grady, told me how beautiful he was, told me how we shouldn't have lost him, and somehow, during that long conversation, gardens got brought up. Don't ask me how...I think it was because I told him I did everything I could to have a healthy baby, including eating as many organic foods as I could afford.

Right there on that bed, November 13, 2008, Dr. Joe promised me the first tomato out of his garden. I know he's an honest man, but hear me when I say, I NEVER expected to get any vegetables from him!

I drove to his office late Monday morning to get this beautiful vegetable basket!



I was blown away at his thoughtfulness and truth to his word! By the way, Emma Grace has given him a new nickname in our house, "Good Ole Dr. Farmer Joe"! Too cute!

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REALLY?!?!

That's how I feel right now. It has been seven months to the day that I first held my baby boy in my arms! On one hand, and on most days, it seems like an eternity. On the other, it seems like only yesterday!

Dear Grady,
I miss you my sweet boy! I send love and hugs to you in heaven every day, but especially on this, your seven month "angelversary/heavenly birthday". There's not a day that goes by, sometimes not a minute, that I don't think about you. I've been thinking a lot lately, with our new summer routine, about what we would be doing differently and how we would incorporate you into our fun. We all are missing you, wishing you were here with us, but happy for you and rejoicing that you are with your heavenly father who loves you even more than I/we can. That's so hard to imagine, but it's true.

Emma Grace and I were just talking tonight about the fact that you will NEVER get a boo-boo. Emma Grace said, "If he got one, God could just heal it". And that's true...but we talked about the fact that you will never hurt or cry or know what pain is. Jessica brought you up at dinner, too, asking me where I would take you to get your hair cut (they got their hair cut today). I told her you probably wouldn't have enough hair to need one yet.

I love how your sisters make you a part of our lives, keeping you alive in their hearts and in our home through conversation. You will NEVER be forgotten! I love you and miss you more with each day that passes! But, I also know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to seeing you again...alive and happy!
XOXO,
Mommy

Love,
Tonya